dandylion

Hi, sodevestated.....my computer has eaten my last 2 (long) posts to you, in the last 2 days!

dandylion

Sodevestated.....my computer has just eaten the third...third....long post tp you!
I am quietly, tearing my hair out.....
I will try to post, later today...
I have not forgotten about you!!

Sodevastated

Thank you for your long response Aasharon . It's full of hope. I think you are right, that life will change over time with me and Aaron taking step by step. I'm so happy I have Aaron. He is my light, joy and hope in life. I hope his life will be good no matter how my life will turn out. I want to be a good mom and give Aaron all the love I can. About the baby clothes, Aaron is a tall boy ( like his dad) and he has already outgrown a lot of clothes! He is such a beautiful and calm child. I think he will bring me a lot of joy and laughter in life. He's the only positive thing in my life. I hope we can make ourselves a good life and that Aaron won't suffer because he doesn't have a father.

You did great getting sober. I wish my AH had done too. He was aware that he could die, and yes he was an addict, but he had the choice to try getting sober -if he had wanted, but I guess he didn't or he wasn't ready to quit.

I read posts on SR all the time, when I have time to. It helps me understand addiction and that there are people that are in a similar situation and that I am not alone. It helps me to read. I'm happy I found SR.

And you're right, you never know what life might bring. I hope there will be something positive that lays ahead for me and Aaron.

Thank you again Aasharon.* It helped to read your words ❤💖💜

Sodevastated

Oh no,not again Dandy. Sorry you spent so much time typing. I know that you're thinking of me. So glad for that. I hope your computer will start working. No stress. Sending your hugs, and please don't tear your hair out ❤

PuzzledHeart

dandylion, I'm not the only one who has been experiencing that lately. I've learned the very hard way that if I take too long to write a post the interface eats it up. I try to remember to copy my post before I hit the post button. So if my post disappears, I can paste and then you all can then be subjected again to my logorrhea.

SD, one thing that always helped me when I was going through heartbreak and sorrow was to seek out moments of beauty. Even if it was something stupid like watching steam rise from a cup of coffee. At first, it wouldn't even register - my heart was like a closed off lid. But eventually the exercise allowed me to recover one millimeter at a time. Even when my mother was deep into her battle with cancer, I remember how the sunlight streamed from the hospital windows and lit up her face as she spoke. It was those little moments that saved me from retreating into misery (She's still has cancer - but is stable at the moment).

It doesn't matter what they are - just something, anything - I was glad for the promise of rope to pull myself out. As long as you can acknowledge something beautiful every once in a while, you're going to be OK.

irisgardens

That is beautiful, Puzzled! Exactly the kind of thing I try to do--if there is sunlight through the windows (& they are dirty or there is dust in the air)-I enjoy the way the rays filter through, a leaf found on the street...a special color-right now enjoying teal, fuschia, and orange together and not together, blue green, turquoise.

dandylion

Puzzledheart...I think you are right...and, I think I have spent too much time, typing....Thank you for your tips....
I agree with you, Puzzled and with Irisgardens....the healing power of beauty ...even in the smallest places....it always reminds me that we are part of a Grand Universe......
Thank you for this reminder....

dandylion

Hi, sodevestated....I am going to type fast, so that I don't lose this post!..lol...
Mostly, I want to remind you that your grief will not last forever....and, certainly not for a lifetime. The thing is...when you are in the worst p art...especially in the early weeks....it FEELS like it won't come to an end.
I think that people need frequently reminding of this fact when they are feeling so bad that they don't see the end of the road, yet.....
Remind yourself, every day, that this is not going to last forever.....
It is understand able that you would feel anger about the "lies" and the betrayal that you feel....You have been very, very hurt...and it is normal to feel anger when others have hurt us!!
You will process through a kalediscope of different emotions over the next several weeks.....All normal and necessary for the healing.
Actually, grief is the beginning of the healing process......
I hope you will continue to practice the wailing wall exercises...whenever, and wherever you get a chance It helps to externalize the anger....
I'll bet you can already begin to see small changes in Aaron...?

You have so much of life in front of you.......

Sodevastated

Dandylion, Yeay you managed to post! I also copy and paste when posting. I'm typing on my phone and it isn't too reliable. My phone has eaten what I've written too a couple of times. That's when I started cooy+paste...

It's actually good to focus on and enjoy the little things and also accomplishing small goals. I have little strength and energy and that's why it's perfect to enjoy small moments - the sun, a good cup of coffee, a walk, playing with Aaron etc. One day if/when I feel better maybe I will be able to enjoy bigger things in life. Thank you dear friends for you posts!

Ariesagain

Those small, good moments are like stringing beads together...enough of them make a necklace.

I hope you give yourself some credit for how strong you are.

Sending you a hug.

Sodevastated

Dandylion, thank you for the reminder. It probably won't last a lifetime even if it feels like it. Yep, he hurt me really really bad, feels like he backstabbed me ( emotionally).and it hurts even more when someone you wouldn't expect does that to you, someone you trusted with your heart and soul.

I'm doing the vailing wall exercise. I even talk to Aaron about how I feel and that I'm so sad for us, and for him not having a dad. Aaron is getting taller and heavier. He smiles at me, and he even does that when he's asleep. So adorable. He reminds of his dad. I think he's going to have a lot of his features. Aaron is easy to take care of, sleeps and eats well, and is not at all a cranky child. I'm blessed to have him.

Sodevastated

Aries,that was a nice simile. I have to work on that necklace.

Oh, no I'm not strong at all. Many people have told me that, and I explained to them that I have no other choice than to go on, no matter how bad I'm hurting since I have a child to take care of. It's not only about me anymore. The only option to going on is suicide or getting locked up in a madhouse. I would say I'm suriving but maybe I will become strong when I get through this. Before my AH'S death, I too believed that people facing what I'm facing now we're strong and I admired them for coping. But now that I'm facing the same, I realised that you're doing it just because you have to- suriving minute by minute, wondering how you ever are going to get through to the other side.

Sending you a hug too

aasharon90

I'm not sure where you are located in this
huge world of ours, . Maybe its where
you have mild sunny days for a wonderful
walk strolling baby Aaron around?

Maybe near a park where there's laughter
of little ones being pushed on the swing,
or twirling around on a merry go round,
or sliding down a slide. Or just a pleasant
place with shady trees and a bench over
looking a pond, lake or the beach?

I hope you are taking lots of pictures
of baby Aaron like many of us moms
have done with our babies. Making a
keep sake book of all those first moments
you and he can treasure for a life time.

Journaling your journey in life with
him would also be something worth
doing too for theraphy and looking
back yrs from now on how strong
you really were and are doing life's
changes.

Just think, when Aaron is old enough
you can share with him how you came
here to SR to share with us and those
wonderful friends who shared with
you and kept you company during
these trying times as well as good
one.

All of us caring members/friends who
enjoyed you sharing with us about your
journey with your first born and his
daily progress growing into this
beautiful gift blessed from Above.

May the Light continue to shine upon
you both giving you strength, courage
and wisdom with each step you take
on this journey in life you are on.

irisgardens

SD-time and experience builds resilience and perseverance within (that is my definition of strong, as strong sounds so different to my ears and is not how things are within me during crisis). I am so glad that Aaron is such a great baby and that he is growing stronger. You, yourself, although you cannot feel it or tell-are quite a wonderful person (it shows in your writing and in your 'voice') and Aaron is a lucky, lucky baby to have a mother like you. It is so wonderful to get to know you and yet, the circumstances are so hard...so glad you are grasping the small moments-and as dandylion said-these moments can be strung together (later, your life timing later) as a strand of beautiful precious pearls...creating the next moments that are beautiful, precious and better.

dandylion

Actually, Ariesagain is the one who spoke of stringing the precious moments into a necklace......and, I agree...it is a beautiful image.....

irisgardens

:-) Thanks Ariesagain

dandylion

Sodevestated.....I have read (while doing some research for papers), that for almost everyone...during some moments, in their life, have had transient thoughts or fears of losing "control"......like suicidal ideation or "going crazy" ("locked in a madhouse").....It is not uncommon to have such "what if" fantasies.
To think of something does not mean that it will be acted on.
Fears are just fears. They are not fact.
Just so you know......

Sodevastated

Taking care of Aaron, tummy ache = (. Just want to tell all my friends here that I don't know what I would do without you. You're a gift from above. Be back posting when Aaron's better. God bless you all, my angels

aasharon90

Morning sodev.....I hope you and Aaron got some
peaceful sleep last night. Those little tummy aches,
maybe colic causing upset tummy. As always, check
with your doctor to make sure you are using right
otc - over the counter medicine, but believe there
is medicine for colic but not sure what I used back
in the day to soothe that tummy ache.

Take care of yourself too and look forward to
hearing back from you soon.

Love and care sent your way.

aasharon90

Just checking in with you and baby Aaron
to see how you both are doing today. Hoping
all is well and keeping you in my thoughts
and prayers.

When you have time come back to
see us and let us know if you need
anything.

Abundant care and understanding from
your SR family.