Ariesagain

Sending you hope, sweetie. The day will come when being "happy" is okay again. I promise.

But it will come in its own time.

Give that sweet baby a snuggle for me.

Sodevastated

You cheered me up, Hope. I think you're right about my AH not wanting this to end the way it did. He didn't want to die. He was using and it just happened because he made a miscalculation. He would say he's so sorry for what he did and the pain he has caused me. I hope he will be with me in life. When he died I thought I would feel his presence but I haven't felt anything at all. He's so gone. I don't even dream about him, but then again I don't dream at all ( technically people dream all the time just that we don't recall the dreams, but I don't even do that). I hope he will be with us through life in some way. I will try to talk to him at his grave and see if I will get any answers from him. I hope so.

Thanks Hope

Leaflet

Having a baby on your own is tough, but as your relationship with your kiddo grows you will have a tiny human who loves you unconditionally. There is nothing more motivating and fulfilling than loving and caring for a child. My daughter is my light.

Sodevastated

Teetree, you are right about that greiving can take many forms.Everyone grieves in their own way. I try to handle it my way, just surviving a day after another. I just have to fill my days with activities, like walking e.g and do that every day even if I don't feel like it to not become mental.

Yes, it is through stories about daddy from me and others who knew him that little Aaron will get to know his father and what a wonderful person the non addict was. Thank you for sharing your story teetree.

Hugs

irisgardens

Glad that Aaron is ok-you don't have to say anything that doesn't feel right-and being authentic about your feelings is super. Take good care of you.

Sodevastated

Thank you Irisgardens. My feelings are authentic alright. Feeling extra disappointed in my husband today cause his addiction spiraled. Looking into Aaron's eyes makes the feelings of disappointment and the sadness even deeper. He is such a lovely child and my AH is missing out on that.

Take care of you too❤

Sodevastated

Yeah it is tough, and especially when I move back to my own apt and have to take care of everything by myself. How will I make it? And the fact that I won't be able to give him as much material stuff as families with two providers, but I will give him all my love. He's the reason why I struggled to stay alive and why I'm still on this planet. I don't think I've would have stayed alive if it weren't for him. I live to take of and love him. He will be my light too. Thank you Leaflet.

Hugs

dandylion

Sodevestated....as I have said, before, I don't thinkit is a good idea for you to live by yourself for a good while...I believe that it wou ld be too much isolation and alone time for someone struggling with postpartum depression....
How about the idea of you living with your m other in law for a while? After all, she is Aaron's grandmother and you two might be able to support each other's grieving process...and, she could be a big help in caring for the baby......
If that isn't possible....don't just take my word for it....
I suggest that you discuss this with your therapist or your doctors and the pediatrician....
Get input from those who have dealt with this situation....
When you do move back to the bigger city...I do think that there is more opportunity for you to connect to a better social life....with a support group, other mothers, etc......that part will be a big advantage...but, I still don't think you should live, alone, in your apartment.......

teatreeoil007

Hi SoDev: Just want you to know I care.

Yes, his addiction spiraled. No doubt. I can imagine your profound sadness and grief.

One of your challenges is to combat the "spiraling" of your own thoughts when they start to veer in certain areas. The thought of him missing out on such an amazing thing as his own son, for instance. And while it is so true he is missing out, sometimes those types of thoughts can pull you down. I'm not going to suggest that you "just think positive", because I know when a person is truly depressed it's not just a matter of thinking positive. How can you NOT be reminded of your husband when you look at his child? That's only natural. I sure don't have all the answers to this. But you are entitled to grieve....that's okay....just remember you are worth it!! And, you are worth everything to that baby boy. Right now, as a new mom, you are basically his world. He is a miracle; you have been touched by a miracle, even with the accompanying grief. Sometimes it's hard to "see" past the grief. This may be where others come into play and you need someone to point out to you all the HOPE there is and JOY that can be in store. Sending you a big giant hug.

dandylion

sodevestated....I. like teatreeoil. do understand that you are having thoughts and feelings that are heartbreaking....
Anyone in your situation is going to....
I know that, at times, the pain is so sharp that it feels unbearable.....like, the p ain could swallow you up......it won't, of course...but, that is the way it feels. I have felt like that before, myself......
It is like a tide that comes in....reaches a certain level....then receeds back, again.....
My suggestion...let the "tide" come in....feel it...and feel it recede back out again.....
Know that, over time, the tides will become fewer and fewer...,and, more brief.

I hope that you have been able to put some of your thoughts on paper...to be thrown away.....or, try some version of the "wailing wall" exercise.......
Use whatever helps.....and crying is o.k.....crying can bring some release, in itself....

PuzzledHeart

I second dandylion's concerns. I would raise your future living arrangements with your doctor and pediatrician. At the very least, could you arrange for your MIL to come over on a regular basis, or vice versa? Even if you do have to live alone, knowing that companionship is arriving on a regular basis can help so much.

And you've gone through Aaron's First Fever. Yay! You sounded so much calmer than I was when my son got sick for the first time. I was a freakin' nervous wreck.

Sodevastated

I agree with you Dandylion, it's no good idea to live alone in the apartment. It could make the depression worse. Also me and my AH spent some time in that apartment before he died and the memories hurt cuz he's gone. He's kind of there in the apartment and at the same time he isn't. Excruciating, painful. He even died there in the bedroom.

I'll see if it's going to be possible to stay with my MIL, or having her or me coming over to eachother often.

It's good to move back to the city though because all support groups are there.

Thank you as always for being there for me Dandylion

dandylion

Sodevestated.....considering the history of the apartment....would you consider moving to a different apartment...?

Sodevastated

You're right puzzledheart, I need company when I move back. I'm terrifred. Don't know if I'm going to make it, to live on my own with the child. How am I going to manage taking care of him all by myself? So scary.

The fever wasn't that scary, guess it's because I'm so focused on coping. After my AH died I'm not afraid of anything more, expect losing someone else close to me.

Thank you for caring about me and Aaron

Sodevastated

The sadness and the thoughts spiral all the time, Teetree. Just don't know how to stop it. I'm no good at being positive right now. When bad things happened to me in life before, I found a way to believe it could become better and try to get past it. But now, losing the love of my life and my life, I just can't find the strength to get back on my feet. The only light in my life is Aaron. Every day I think -I just can't cope another day and then I think -I owe it to my son, I have to fight to be able to take care of him. He has only me. He's all I got. I have to make it no matter how much I dislike life.

💗💖💗

dandylion

Sodevestated....the motivation of taking care of a child is a very, very, powerful motivator for a mother....you are strong that you can tap into this and navigate from day to day....
My question, for you, at this point is---are you talking to someone who has your progress at heart, every single day? You should be...You need lots of care and interaction with others (besides your parents)....You should be talking to a doctor, or a therapist, or a priest, or a social worker or a supportive friend every single day. (I am so proud of you that you are consistently posting to us every day! You need talking to a live person, in addition, though)
You should get out of the house...walking, or doing something outside of the house each day....
You need exercises that externalize your feelings...like the wailing wall or writing exercises.....
These are the things that will help you through this recovery phase..even if it doesn't FEEL like it, right now. You must trust that they will, over time, be the things that move you forward and bring you relief.....These are the things that keep you connected to the world and bring comfort to your soul....and,in the process, change the chemistry in your body.....

Maybe, you can share some more with us...what your daily life and specific challenges are...?
We care about you and will be here for you....we care about your welfare and we care about how you feel....

Ringo123

Good morning Sodevestated,
I echo dandylion's comments about being face-to-face with someone everyday and speaking on the phone--not solely texting.

As someone who is a loner by nature and has lingering fear of intimacy, I can tell you the benefit of speaking daily with another person. It takes work for me to reach out as it will with you. But it is soooo worth it!

Let's both reach out to someone today, ok?

Sodevastated

I have thought about it Dandylion. When my AH died I wanted to get rid of the apt ASAP, but after a few weeks I felt that I couldn't. It hurt too much to sell it, knowing that we had gotten it together and I wasn't ready to let go. I don't know what to do with the apt right now. I want to keep it and to make it my and my son's home and tell him that me and his dad got it together. Also I have good neighbours there who can help me out. But on the other hand it hurts to be in that apt. It feels like I'm waiting for him to get back home, although I know he never will. I think I have to try to live there and see how it feels. If it becomes to painful I will have to get rid of it and get another apt.

Hugs

Sodevastated

You're so right Ringo. Face to face is different than texting or being online. But I just can say it enough- I would not make it without you people on this board. No one understands addiction and my loss due to addiction the way you do. Other people can just try to imagine what it's like. I feel like I've become an introvert since the day my AH died, like an hermit, and I find it hard to connect with people. I've reached out to an old working collegue today though. She's coming to see my on Friday. She wanted to come earlier but I've just postponed over and over again. When I feel bad I just shrink into my shell. Thanks for the encouragement Ringo. Did you connect with sb today?

Hugs

aasharon90

You know.....after reading this, above, I emmediately thought, you know what.....you both bought this apt. not knowing what the future would hold, just like all of us, we don't know what tomorrow hold for us and that is why we live each day for tomorrow isn't written yet.

You both bought this apt. planning for the future. Then the enevitable happened, which was not planned.

This apt. and your little Aaron are gifts made in advance before your husband left. For whatever reason, and I believe things do happen
for what ever reason it maybe, you and Aaron would be set up in
a place to live, this apt, you both bought together and to carry on in his absence.

I know we should worry about the what ifs, but, what if you 2 were living with parents or a friend while preparing to look for a place to live. What if you didn't get this apt before he passed?

You would have to begin now looking for a place by urself? Where
as now, you don't have to. Your apt. is a gift already waiting for you
and baby Aaron. A gift your husband has provided for you and baby Aaron.

How wonderful is that? You have a place waiting for you with neighbors you like. A safe place for you and Aaron to call home
for now.

It's just enough, not over powering, but just right for you both
to settle in comfortably.