Sodevastated

Hi Dandylion,

I really appreciate that you care about me and reading your post made me realize that I need more help than I thought I did. I'm going to see my pediatrician tomorrow and tell him how I feel and see what he can do for me. I will also call and make an appointment with my therapist. I talk to my MIL almost every day and she has been a great support and understanding. Unfortunately, I feel that my friends have not been too supportive and that they don't understand me. Some of them don't know how to handle me and my grief, others have just detached. This situation has shown me who my true friends are. My grief and depression has made me not so sociable and I have had a really hard time seeing people.I' ve just shut down due to my loss and pain. I just feel like staying at home. I haven't met several of my friends since the day my AH did, which was 6 months ago but we text now and then cuz I haven't even felt like calling people. However, I have met friends now and then who have been supportive to me throughout this journey. I have one or two friends whom I really can share my feelings with. There are also support groups but I don't know if I'm there yet to join those, and majorly they are for people who've lost someone due to other causes than addiction and I'm not sure it's the right place for me. Also, having the baby to take care of now makes it a bit harder to go places. I have been talking to a priest from my church and that has helped but maybe there is more help they can offer.

Thank you for caring. It means the world to me

Hugs

Sodevastated

It feels good to hear that it's Ok to not breastfeed if I can't. Thank you! I really do want to do that but I feel that I am too depressed without the meds and that it could be a good idea to take those to feel better, even if I have to stop breastfeeding. Maybe it would be better in the long run. I would like to join Alanon to talk to people who have similar experiences and to work on myself. I think it would help me. But I think I'm not ready yet and I want the baby to become older before that.

dandylion

Sodevestated.....I think you are soo right...that many people don't know how to deal with a grieving person....!
That is why it is so wise to deal with and talk to only those people who are able to understand. You may find that other mothers can relate to what you are going through. I think a loss/grief group would be good for y ou....it doesn't matter how you lost your l oved one!! IF YOU ARE HURTING NOW--YOU ARE READY NOW.
I am so glad t hat you are going to see your pediatrician and therapist.....

You might be a person who can "shoulder" a lot...and, people may not know what your real needs are....They may assume too much...
My Dear---the squeaky wheel gets the most oil. You have to ask for what you want/need and tell people what that is.....
Ask for visitors...ask for help with the baby...ask for people to babysit also that y ou can go to appointments, church, etc....
Social workers are good at knowing how to find that services are available for you...the hospital has social workers...mental health workers know how to find social workers...County services have social workers on the staff....

does your MIL live near enough to see you? If so...she might be the p erfect person to babysit while you go out of the house, etc.

How much longer do you plan on staying at your mother's house?

Sodevastated

I've come to understand (like you said) that it's only useful to talk to people who understand. It gives me relief. I've found a support group for those who have lost their partner and who've become single parents. I think I will go to those meetings to share thoughts, emotions with people who can relate to what I'm talking about. There is also a support group for single parents which seems kind of nice- they arrange activities etc. For single parents. It might be helpful to join this group as well. The thing is that both of these groups are located in the city that I moved to. My parents live in a small town and there's nothing like it here. So I'll join the groups as soon as I move back. I hope I will be ready to do so soon. Another support group I've found is a church group for grieving people. So there are a few groups I could join where I might meet people in similar situations to mine and maybe find new friends who can be supportive and vice versa. However, I do need to look into if there's someone who can help me out with the baby so I can attend meetings and go to church. I found a fabulous church in my new city and they offer babysitters during the meetings, which is great.

My MIL also lives in my new city so she can't help me out right now but she will when I move back because the help will be needed there. I only have a few friends there and my family lives in my hometown so I will need her help. I want her to be a part of the child's life. I don't want to isolate him and make him a lone child. He needs all the people he can get around him.

I have been like a turtle retiring into my shell since the day my AH died and also a bit dissapointed at the lack of support from friends, which made me retire back even deeper. With the loss and sadness as the icing on the cake it became even worse. But I've come to the conclusion that I know who my true friends are and who are not, and what I can expect from them and to look for people who will always be there for me no matter what (and vice versa).

Thank you Dandylion for your enormous support and your big heart

dandylion

Sodevestated......I am so p leased that you have located some support groups.....especially, the ones with single parents...and the ones that plan activities. As well as a grief support group.....
I can see how awkward it is, logistically, right now...located far from some of these services....
Where are your doctors located...small town or bigger city?

Maybe, you and your MIL can live in the same home, together for a while, when you return to the big city? It would be tremendous help for you...and, I don't think you should be living alone for a good long while.....
It takes a while to complete the grieving process.......

Is the priest and church in the small town? If so, whenever you need some solice, you could go over and sit in the church, light a candle, and visit with the priest or whoever is around........

The most healing thing for what y ou are going through is human contact...compassionate human contact!
Right now, sleep helps a l ot, also......lol....

I am glad for your long post.....please keep us informed as to h ow you are doing....we care about you...and, we worry if we don't hear.......

Ariesagain

It sounds like you will have several options for support in the environment where you'll end up, which is wonderful. It's particularly nice that your MIL will be there...she may be the one person who can understand best the loss you're going through and it's lovely that you have each other.

In the meantime, I'm sure Aaron is keeping you busy and I hope your mother is being more gentle with you now that he's here?

You're doing everything you can.

Sending you a hug.

Sodevastated

Hi Dandylion,

My doctors are here in town so they can offer me help. The church is in the city. There are churches here as well, I just haven't been in touch with any of them.
Your idea about living with my MIL isn't too bad. She lives alone with her teenage daughter and they would love having the baby around. It could be good for me too not being alone in the apt with my baby. She could help me out and it would feel good not being alone. Being alone with the baby reminds me even more about that my AH is gone and it hurts so bad and it's so empty without him. I hate the thought that he's never ever going to come back and that I have to live with it. That hurts the most.

I'm trying to sleep and eat. I will keep on posting to let you know how I'm feeling. Thank you so so much for caring ❤

Sodevastated

Hi Aries,

Yeah, there are places to get support when I get back home. I'm glad I have my MIL, after all it's her son and she can understand my pain. We are the ones suffering the most due to our loss. It feels as if I will never get over his death. He was the one for me.

Aaron is keeping me busy for sure and he keeps me going because I have to take care of him. My mother is somewhat more gentle now, but she is the way she is. You cannot change addicts, nor can you change your mother.

Thank you Aries for caring 💕💜

dandylion

Sodevasted......it is "normal" to feel the way you do,right now.
My sweet husband died suddenly and unexpectedly, a few years ago......
so, I understand how you feel. after this short time.....
I can assure you, that time helps ....
You will find this out, as you go along.....
This is the most painful time.....and it probably feels like it will never pass...but, it will. Mother Natu re has arranged for us to be able to endure and to go on living.......

Your MIL could probably use a grief group also.....

aasharon90

Hi sodevastated.....

It wonderful to hear that you are looking
and talking to folks that can lend you help
and spiritual guidance like the Pastor at your
local church and community. Having services
available to young moms and daycare for babies.

That to me is HUGE....!!!!!! What and awesome
gift available to you and ur little angel Aaron.

As I read about your journey I can sense
strength in you. A strong mom inside and
out as you continue to move forward in
your life and for your baby.

I like to hear about your little one if you
don't mind sharing about him with us. Like
what you have him dressed in and how he
sleeps when you look down upon him. Those
little fingers and how it makes you feel when
you rock him. How wonderful he feels after
he's had a warm bath with baby baths, powder
and lotions. Those little pampers, booties, onesies,
a soft blanket, booties, his little baby brush......

I spoiled my 2 babies when I had them yrs ago.
A boy and a girl 3 yrs apart. Such a special time
in my own life like many other moms out there
in the world.

I worried too that I didn't breast feed them
for a long period of time, but I did even if it
was for a little while. I wasn't able to produce
enough for them at that time and I wanted
to make sure they were satisfied and full so
I turned to bottle feeding and food as soon
as I could.

Us Italians gotta have food....lol

dandylion

sodevastated.......how are you doing, today.....
I am hoping that you are having a decent day for Aaron's first Christmas....?

irisgardens

sodevastated-sending blessings and Christmas hugs to you and Aaron...hoping it is an ok day for you.

Sodevastated

It's hard, I won't lie. It should have been our first Christmas at home together with our son, and instead I'm at my parents alone with Aaron. But it has been decent and I tried to make the best of it for Aaron and I took pictures of him to show him when he gets older. How are you doing Dandylion? Wishing you a Merry Christmas ❤

Sodevastated

Thank you for thinking of me and my son. It hasn't been a fun day -holidays aren't for anyone of us on SR, but it's been Ok and I did my best for Aaron. He is such a lovely and calm child.

Sending you some Christmas hugs too. Bless you

Sodevastated

I tried to look up places that can offer me help because I realize I need it more then ever. I'm experiencing the most awful time in my life. I'm trying to be strong for my son. He needs and has only me. I feel like a wreck- so empty and broken and I wonder, how the heck am I going to bring forth the strength I need to go on and create a life for the two of us? I have no strength and everything feels dark and hopeless. But when I look at Aaron and see his eyes, little fingers and how innocent and helpless he is, I realize I have to force myself to go on in some way. I owe it to him. His father abandoned him and I just can't do the same. It's just me and him now.

About Aaron ( of course I can and will share &#128522. He is so cute- his dark eyes, his little body, cute little hands and feet, so adorable. He even smiles sometimes even though he is just 9 days old. His smile makes my heart melt. He sleeps in his crib during night but when he starts crying I put him in my bed and then he almost always falls asleep, and mommy too. It feels good to have him close to me. He loves to sleep when amongst other people or beside mommy. Before he falls into deep sleep he peeks with his small eyes just to see that he hasn't been left alone. He is a social boy. My little angel.

Thank you for checking in on us. Sending you lots of hugs

Sodevastated

It feels relieving to hear your comments about the meds. I do have to take them to not go crazy and thank you for letting me know it's ok. I think it's more important to be able to take care of my son than to breastfeed him. After all I'm experiencing the worst time of my life and I have to take care of my baby at the same time. I think Alanon is the place for me to go soon.

hope

dandylion

Sodevestated....aat this point, if you are just getting from one day to another...CONGRATULATE YOURSELF!....seriously......

Getting from one day to another and taking care of baby, to boot....takes a lot!
You are doing better than you probably think you are.....
After all, your are going through tremendous physical and emotional changes, right now.....And the hormone swings don't exactly help.....

The more you are face to face with understanding and supportive others...the more it helps....
Better days are coming...hang on to this fact, girl.....! I promise you!

Thank you for your Christmas greeting.....
And, keep the stories about Aaron coming......we love to hear them!

Ariesagain

I heard this today and thought of you...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ifCWN5pJGIE

Hugs.

PhoenixJ

Grief comes in waves. Prayers. Strength in unity.

53500

Yes it is, don't worry about this, millions of babies thrive on formula including me and my three brothers! Our mom was (and is) a wonderful, loving person and could not have been a better mom. She did not breastfeed because it just wasn't done when she had babies. We were fine.

God bless both of you.