dandylion

sodevestated.......

Sodevastated

Aasharon, all of you are my private cheerleading team and I'm so happy I have you! Thank you for your long and cheerful post Aasharon.

I'm trying to stay calm with Aaron and mostly I manage to, but it's hard when I'm exhausted, especially at nights.

I hope that my grief and depression during my pregnancy won't affect Aaron too much in the long run and that he won't be a sad or depressed child just because I felt like that.

I will always keep coming back to you my cheerleading team, my angels, my support. I'm so happy that I have you all to turn to and I never feel alone knowing you are there for me and Aaron. I have learnt so much about addiction and have come to understand my own situation with my AH and most importantly :

" You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it".

These words have helped me to remove the blame and guilt from myself for my AH's's outcome and to realise I couldn't have done a thing, even if I knew what was going on- because he just wasn't ready to quit and that's the sad conclusion. You all have helped me so much in learning and understanding that. You all and this board have been, and still are a blessing from above. Reading about others and posting myself with your feedback has been priceless. Thank you thank you thank you ❤❤❤❤❤

Grouphug😘

dandylion

Sodevestated......I appreciate your thanks...as, O know the others do, also!
You sound like you are a gracious and compassionate person. I think that will rub off on Aaron, too.

I don't know if you ever look at youtube videos...but, I did see some good postpartum videos of women who have struggled through it and overcame it...
Their experiences and inspirations might be very comforting for you to see.....
Apparently, fearing that the baby might be affected is a common worry that mothers have...but, these mothers all seem to have normal, happy babies....

irisgardens

Sending you love and hugs-yes, it is like a roller coaster-but already you are showing that you can do things and you are willing to accept suggestions that make things better. These are wonderful traits and strengths. Your compassion and resilience also shine through. Praying for you MIL as well-the grieving is so hard...and yet...everything you are working on is amazing and wonderful. This is where a true survivor shows their colors-finding good and better in the midst of the hard and dark. So glad to know you-it is an honor!

Sodevastated

[QUOTE=dandylion;6302581]Sodevestated......I appreciate your thanks...as, O know the others do, also!
You sound like you are a gracious and compassionate person. I think that will rub off on Aaron, too.



Thanks for the compliments above. I'm glad that I've made such a good impression on you. I do watch YouTube videos sometimes. It could be good to hear what other mothers have to say, mothers who are not even close to what I'm experiencing. Then I will not that am not doing too bad after all = )

Sodevastated

Irisgardens, my dear friend. Thank you for praising me. It gives me strenght to believe I will make it through all of this. I know you all have been through rough experiences in your lives and when you advice me to do something that is going to help me feel better I take it seriously. I do so because I know it comes from people who have survived things just like I'm doing now, and you know what you're talking about. I would not have found the strenght to surive if it weren't for Aaron. He has made me fight for survival. He deserves a mom who is able to and will take care of him and give him a good life. And besides, I'm the only parent he has and that makes me feel even more responsible for everything. I would not have cared or even tried to survive if I haven't had him. You could say that he saved my life. Mommy's little angel, mommy's light and strength. He will get to know that when the time is right.

If I survive this, I think I will be able to survive anything that comes in my way. I've already experienced the worst.

Thank you for your prayers. Bless you Iris

PuzzledHeart

SoDev, I pursued my graduate degree when my son turned one. I took my entrance exams and wrote up my applications when my son was deep into his colic period. It was fantastic preparation for the year ahead.

I felt a little strange when I finally got to campus - I thought I was going to be the only parent there. That was not the case at all, and the parents I befriended are still friends to this day.

One time, my son got the stomach bug and puked all over me and the floor the night before a group assignment was due. The morning after, I met with my group. We were all supposed to work on the issue individually and then compare results. When I told them what happened the night before, the rest of the group expected me to follow my gastrointestinal recap with an apology for not doing the work. But when I pulled out the sheath of paper containing my answers, they knew they were busted. Only one other person in the group had managed to pull it off. He and I listened patiently as they talked about hangovers and scheduling conflicts. But they knew that their excuses paled in comparison to mine.

In other words, moms rule in school!

Sodevastated

Wow, well done Puzzledheart ! What an accomplishment to finish school while having a baby to take care of. I hope I can do it too. At the moment Aaron's impossible. He cries all day long and I'm home alone and I just can't do my assignments for school. As soon as I sit down by my computer...he starts crying. He falls asleep and I think : Yes, now I will be able to get to work! And then 5 mins later he starts over again. Oh dear...I'll try working on my assignments in the evenings when my parents are at home. Thanks for the words of encouragement 😊

PuzzledHeart

SoDev,

Yep! I did much of my reading with my son in the Baby Bjorn or in the sling. It was the only way he would stay quiet while I studied. If I was lucky, I could put him in the baby bouncer seat and bounce the seat with my foot. That could give me fifteen minutes. Or sometimes I would do a combo - put him in baby bjorn, take him to the kitchen, turn on the kitchen vent, then study.

Once he got past his colic stage, it got so much better. A bit of puke was nothing compared to the constant crying!

Sodevastated

Puzzledheart thanks for sharing that. So it was the same for you. Good to know I'm not the only only one. I really really hope the colic will pass soon so I can get to work. Really need to get my certificate. If you made it with a crying baby, I hope I will too.

Me and Aaron take turns crying. He cries cuz he's in pain and I cry because I'm depressed, miss my AH and I'm disappointed and quite mad at him. Today was the first time I used my computer since he died. I found all his and our pics and his music, our wedding planner etc. on the computer and I cried in agony. Hurts so bad. I so hate drugs and addiction.

hope778

I know these feelings. I was just in deep thought about this today myself. When my husband was in active addiction I was left to be a single mother to our newborn. I found out he was using just a couple weeks after DS was born. He was never around. So many feelings - pain, sadness, grief, powerlessness, anger, resentment... and then the feelings of peace, hope, and indescribable love when looking at your sleeping baby. All is well in those moments, and you realize you were created precisely for him and to be his mother. And not one other person on this earth could fill that role like you can. And you start to realize that no matter what circumstance surround you, there is hope and strength inside you to become who and what you've always known you could become.

My husband is in recovery, but we're still not okay. I still don't know from one day to the next lately if we'll make it. So I feel those feelings of being the sole provider. All plans I make for the future (buying a house, saving money for DS, etc) all only include myself. I cannot rely on my husband. He's never shown me that I can. It's empowering to know, though, that you and I both have all the power and strength within us to make the future what we need and want it to be.

We're with you in this! Hang in there. You're truly doing a great job.

PuzzledHeart

That took a lot of guts. I'm so sorry.

You have every right to hate it with every bone of your body. I'm joining your club.

You will. It won't be easy, but you will do what you have to do to get by. I sang songs about economics to my son. No, I don't remember any of it now. They were probably so awful I must have intentionally erased them from my brain.

Sodevastated

Hope, I'm sorry you had to, and still have to be the sole provider and parent. But you too are doing a great job. Your son will be proud of you one day when he's able to understand what sacrifices and job you've made for him. I'm really proud of you and it's good you're focusing on you and DS. That's all you can do and that is more than enough. I hope your husband will pull himself together and put a lot of work in staying sober. It's one thing becoming clean but so much harder staying clean, which my AH couldn't/wouldn't pull off. I really hope and pray that your AH will do better than mine. We can't do the work for them. That's what I've learnt here on SR. I did everything in my power, and even more so to help my AH get rid of his addiction but it still didn't help because I wanted him to quit more than he did. Oh, if I only knew then what I know now...

Aaron is helping me to heal. He's my angel, and your son is yours. Keep up the good work Hope and remember that we at least can put hope in our children. They will always be there with us no matter what and that is a big gift 💖

Sending you love, prayers and blessings and a big thanks for posting

Sodevastated

Thank you Puzzledheart. Yeah,turning the computer on wasn't a funny thing, but then again nothing has been a funny ride since my AH died. The morgue, pregnancy, cleaning the apt where he died, the funeral, the lies, the autopsy.. well the list goes on. I'm amazed in a way that I've survived all of this. When he died I was sure I would too, going through the horrific experiences I had to encounter.I thought I would have a heart attack. But wow, I did survive and the only explanation to that is that I have a powerful heart. I can't see any other explanation. Comparing school to this - it's a piece of cake and I'm so darn stubborn and full of pride that I will make it, even if it's the last thing I do. LOL. You're giving me strength. Thank you 😊

hope778

Your survival is amazing, SoDev! It really is. You are a great strength to us even if you feel weak. You are a leading example.

dandylion

I k now that you ladies know what I am talking about here...as you have been through some things, already that you never dreamed that you would face or have to live through....
I had always heard, growing up, that we all have much, much, more inside us than we ever know (like in the Wizard of Oz)...In my adult life, I, too have face some heartbreaking losses and some challenges that looked impossible to meet....And....every single time, the courage only came when I was IN the situation....often, trembling and scared out of my wits...nausea with dread...that the courage came to me and allowed me to do what was needed..BUT, it only came at the very second that I needed it! Not 5 minutes before. (lol...why, in hell, didn't it come 5 minutes before?)......
I think that there is a Life Force that we are blessed with, which propels us forward in life...to keep on living...to keep on going...that is not even a conscious process. Observe the baby that is just learning to walk--they fall down hundreds of times...and,just get up and do it again....(they certainly don't consciously think about it)....
How did I go through a divorce with three little kids....the strength just came at the seconds that I needed it...(I thought I would pass out, walking into a courtroom).....
How did I complete a demanding graduate program as a single mother with three kids, no money, and almost no help, at all--except encouraging friends--I really don't know, except that the courage came at the moments that I needed it....
How in the world did I speak at my husband's funeral....I really don't know...some Life force just carried me.....

We all have more inside us that we really know.....

Ariesagain

I've been away dealing with family stuff for a few weeks but I wanted to let you know I still have my SoDev pompoms out and am still on your cheerleading squad.

You're doing really well, sweetie. Good for you.

I have had friends who were successful with colicky babies by cutting out dairy and wheat in their own diets...maybe something to try?

Sodevastated

Hi my dear supporters,

I found a song that totally describes my emotions by Evanescence -My heart is broken. Here it is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu-ISHH550k

Be back posting later.

Hugs to all of you //SoDev

aasharon90

Hi sweet sodev.......
I added your song here where you can
just click on the link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu-ISHH550k

Continue to know and believe that
time will heal your broken heart and
that you are not alone.

One of your SR angels keeping
you in thoughts and prayers for
peace.

dandylion

Sodevastated.....after listening to the song...and, studying the lyrics....I can totally understand how this song speaks to you.....
I think it encapsulates what a broken heart actually feels like.