Blogs


Notices

Moving On

Old 02-21-2013, 01:43 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blackandblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Moving On

I have questioned the decision to stay or leave since this roller coaster started 3 years ago. I reread my old posts and wow, have I come along way. Today, I am not questioning anymore but this transition is not without difficulty. What's different this time? I have stayed no contact and have maintained my distance for several weeks now.

I cannot count the times I have caved and gone back. I cannot count the times I have broken no contact. I cannot count the times I have put up with treatment I would not wish on anyone. I cannot count the times I said I was done and then was not done. Whenever I have been tempted to run back in the last few weeks, I just prayed and said just for today I will not contact him. I was not ready to say it's over.

And then I found out that when I decided to take space, he relapsed and started injecting heroin again as soon as I detached and went no contact. I am letting go of any shame or guilt or responsibility around his relapse. It did show me that he has had no recovery in place and that I was delusional to think otherwise. I wanted to believe. I wanted my fantasy. And all I can say is that since I started really letting go, I am finding me again.

While I have had a lot of time and distance from him, he has occupied so much of me these last few years. Although I am grieving still, I am regaining strength I have not had since before I met him. I am not sure where this will lead and somehow I trust that I am doing what is best for me. I think I could accept amends from him in the distant future if he were to ever make it to that point in recovery, however, I have to let go of that for now. I still pray for him and at times, my feelings are completely paradoxical. For the first time I can honestly say that I acknowledge and actually feel like I am going through a break-up. There is so much unknown and I am okay with that.

I am doing my best to hold it together and at times still break down. I trust this will get better and could always use words of wisdom. I owe these new personal discoveries and movement toward sanity and serenity to the SR forum, Al-anon, therapy, friends and family, yoga, music, and prayer. Thank you. I am so grateful to all of you. Goodnight.
blackandblue is offline  
The Following 25 Users Say Thank You to blackandblue For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), Ann (04-10-2013), anond (04-12-2013), Archangelesk (04-10-2013), atalose (04-10-2013), BunnyNest (04-12-2013), divinespark (04-11-2013), dollydo (03-12-2013), EnglishGarden (02-21-2013), EverHopeful721 (03-12-2013), GardenMama (03-12-2013), horriblethisis (03-30-2013), julez (03-12-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), Lily1918 (02-21-2013), Momzo (03-30-2013), pianogirl1193 (04-11-2013), rsk (04-11-2013), sedona (04-10-2013), ShootingStar1 (03-14-2013), supportforme (04-10-2013), tjp613 (03-29-2013), Vale (03-30-2013), WanderingGypsy (03-29-2013), wicked (02-22-2013)
Old 02-21-2013, 03:13 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lily1918's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Blog Entries: 1
I have no wisdom but I have hugs to send you! and prayers too
Lily1918 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Lily1918 For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), blackandblue (03-29-2013), julez (03-12-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), Vale (03-30-2013), wicked (02-22-2013)
Old 03-12-2013, 02:06 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blackandblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Today = 7 weeks, 4 days and counting without the insanity. Moving on while anxiety-producing, is so liberating. Anyone else moving on, moved on, or considering moving on- want to share your story here?
blackandblue is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to blackandblue For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), laurie6781 (03-12-2013), mfox (04-11-2013), Vale (03-30-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 09:04 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blackandblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
10 Weeks Today!

I am counting the weeks since I laid this relationship to rest. Today = 10 weeks. No visits, no contact, and no drama. I am waiting for my broken heart to catch up with the rest of me that is ready to move on. I am free at last but far from over it and still deeply grieving. Especially as he plummets into the abyss of full blown heroin relapse.

What have I learned? He was never sober really- so he did not relapse truly. He just went in and out of different levels of addiction. But by the grace of God, I am free. Free from fear, obligation, and guilt. Free from the emotional burden of his choices. Detachment with love has been the only way that has restored me to sanity and has allowed me to be me again and to face my own stuff.

Letting him go felt so painful. Looking in the mirror also has been painful. But it is in this darkness that I feel I will soon emerge transformed anew. And that is so exciting and so scary. Through it all- darkness, pain, shame, regret, humiliation, chaos, depression, loneliness, hurt, sadness, anger, blah blah blah- this did not kill me. I have no doubt it would have taken me down eventually. My broken wing is starting to heal and I hope soon I can fly again.
blackandblue is offline  
The Following 17 Users Say Thank You to blackandblue For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), EverHopeful721 (03-29-2013), gothbarbie (11-06-2013), Impurrfect (04-11-2013), Jodie77 (03-29-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), lesliej (03-29-2013), LoveMeNow (03-29-2013), mfox (04-11-2013), rsk (04-11-2013), stress (03-30-2013), Sunshine2 (03-29-2013), supportforme (04-10-2013), tjp613 (03-29-2013), Vale (03-30-2013), ViG516 (03-29-2013), WanderingGypsy (03-29-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 09:16 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
((((blackandblue)))) What a wonderful, inspiring post. Thank you so much for sharing your amazing ESH!
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), blackandblue (03-29-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), Vale (03-30-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 09:27 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
I can relate to this post so much. I moved out of my ax-fiance's house Feb 26 after getting engaged in Dec (and being "together" for 3.5 years). There was no room left for me after his plethora of addictions. Your post has given me inspiration. I know how hard it is. It's a gnawing feeling of missing him, hysterically crying, hating him, praying for him, hoping he'll come crawling back, and trying myself to move on and laugh again. I've been through an emotional holocaust and so have you.

Right now you're still in the stages of grieving and that's a cyclical swirling process that has no rhyme or reason but will eventually die down like a hurricane that has run out of steam. Afterwards you will have full clarity and be so thankful that you are away from the madness. I believe this because although I'm still in the pits of grief with my fiancÚ, I also went through a divorce w my xahusband and literally thought I was going to die or never heal. Time gives clarity and it gives healing.

Remember this: cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him.

Big hugs xx
Jodie77 is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Jodie77 For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), blackandblue (03-29-2013), EverHopeful721 (03-29-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), LoveMeNow (03-29-2013), sedona (04-10-2013), stucna (03-29-2013), supportforme (04-10-2013), Vale (03-30-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 09:29 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 17
It has been almost a month since I have seen my boyfriend of 10 years. He was/is a heroin addict. My gut is telling me that he relapsed, but of course he denied it. The last time I saw him we got into a fight when his sobriety was questioned. He told me he was done and that I just didn't understand or get anything. Well I decided to read codependent no more and to take time to really do some thinking. I realized how sick I had become and I had a lot of searching to do. Since I haven't seen him I feel better. I am not sick with worry, I am not crazy trying to look for drugs or any sign of drugs, I am not questioning or worrying about everything. I started to work out and go out with my friends and enjoy the things that I used to. One day I sat down and kinda felt guilty that I felt a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I love him so much, but sure don't miss some things. I guess towards the end all I felt I was in the relationship was the enabler with money.


Now that time has settled he is questioning me like "are you just dumping me"?? Well he's the one that said he was done then just basically pushed me away. I sure don't see him trying to win me back. He texted me today saying he "needs" to see me tonight or tomorrow because he can't go on not knowing what is happening. I hate to think this way but I just got paid today. Is that why he needs to see me now??

I just feel like right now I need more and he needs less if that makes sense. He hid his addiction for so long ( 10 years?) and that is how long we have been together. I need someone to be there for me and to want to do things with me. Maybe he isn't capable of those things right now and that's ok. He needs to put himself and his recovery first. He asked for help a year ago and it has been a long year. I tried so hard to make it work dealing with a recovering addict, but I just don't think I can do it. I get so sad, but then I think of how I was treated and how I felt. I guess what really opened my eyes is when my birthday rolled around. The way all my married male co-workers treated me and made me feel so special. I got treated like a princess! Then I go home and didn't even get a card!

I am hoping to sit down and have a talk with him cause right now we both have no idea what is going on. But I will most likely have to move on for both of our sakes!
ViG516 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to ViG516 For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), blackandblue (03-29-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), LoveMeNow (03-29-2013), supportforme (04-10-2013), Vale (03-30-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 09:46 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
ViG516,

Your story rings true with me as well. It's amazing how they do the discarding then feel persecuted after. It's the poor pitiful me syndrome....I love you, get away from me. Come back. It's madness. I'm glad you're doing things that are making you happy and finding yourself again. Reading Codependent No More has really been insightful. You're taking all the necessary steps (that's what people tell me). I'm still in a deep pit of depression and longing and obsession.

I too did not get even a birthday card from my fiancÚ. And both years prior he broke up with me ON my birthday. They are very sick. It's all about them.

Big hugs xx
Jodie77 is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Jodie77 For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), blackandblue (03-29-2013), EverHopeful721 (03-29-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), LoveMeNow (03-29-2013), supportforme (04-10-2013), Vale (03-30-2013), ViG516 (03-29-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 09:49 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
Remember this: cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him.


Those are some powerful, truthful words!
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), blackandblue (03-29-2013), EverHopeful721 (03-29-2013), Jodie77 (03-29-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), mfox (04-11-2013), supportforme (04-10-2013), Vale (03-30-2013), Wing (04-11-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 09:50 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blackandblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Thanks Jodie77- That is funny because I just posted on your forum and with all you are going through, thank you for reaching out to me with encouraging words. I am learning that grief is an opportunity and the only way is through.

ViG516- I know your cycle well. I have lived it and then I got off of crazy train because it was making me sick. I honestly don't think he wanted to hurt me or cause me any pain or grief. But he wanted company. Company in his misery as the saying goes- misery loves company. He replaced me with other heroin using women, men, dealers, enabling friends and his isolation. I was a buzz kill. Yep you are right. The partner of an active addict will always be second best. It's heroin first, heroin second, heroin third, and me last if me at all. I have learned a lot about self-sooting and self-love. That is the gift this disease has given me. Looking inward sucks at first and then it's not so bad. We get to clear out our own dark closets and make way for a new story. You are right- we do need more. More from ourselves, from those who love us for real, and from the world that has so much to offer. And coincidentally enough, if you have faith, everything we need is provided. I just know I will not give my time, energy, and love to a black hole ever again. I pray for him everyday but from a safe distance. Take care of yourself. Eventually you realize you are better off talking to a wall than an active addict.
blackandblue is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to blackandblue For This Useful Post:
Anaya (04-13-2013), ColetteTocca (03-30-2013), EnglishGarden (03-29-2013), EverHopeful721 (03-29-2013), Jodie77 (03-29-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), lesliej (03-29-2013), LoveMeNow (03-29-2013), supportforme (04-10-2013), Vale (03-30-2013), ViG516 (03-29-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 10:37 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 17
Jodie77-
That's funny you said about him breaking up with you on your birthday! Had that happen a few years ago. Not only that but his mother also called me and basically told me that going out for my birthday was ridiculous and To "grow up". My theory is to celebrate every birthday you have as you never know what may happen in life. Life is to short!

Black and Blue-
Funny you say about misery loving company. I told a close friend that the one thing I don't miss are the "bad" days. I haven't seen him in a month but did get a text one day that he was having a "bad" day. I thought to myself well " your bad day" will NOT be "MY bad day". His bad days consisted of him laying in bed or on the couch not wanting to do anything or even talk. I just sat there and felt sorry for him and of course did everything! Then if I asked him to do something it was a big fat NO followed by "you don't get it" blah blah! Then it would bring me down as well. We never went anywhere! Or if we did he would bitch about it the whole time or leave early. So I was miserable even then too!

Did the addiction start before you met him or while you were with him?
ViG516 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to ViG516 For This Useful Post:
blackandblue (03-29-2013), EverHopeful721 (03-30-2013), Jodie77 (03-30-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), stucna (03-29-2013), supportforme (04-10-2013), Vale (03-30-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 11:08 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
lesliej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Black and Blue...
I always felt a kinship with you, we have shared a similarity of struggle...and I have always appreciated your beautiful voice in expressing that struggle. I am happy for you that you have made a decision. Ten weeks on the path to solid ground...toward sanity and serenity. Solid.

It has been 13 months for me. I will say that occasionally the craving, the longing, still visits me. Co-dependency...as I have come to experience it, really is the attachment to the person who is attached to the substance. Addiction is a cunning baffling phenomenon and touches so many lives...like the worst kind of spider web it branches outward, and inward.

As time goes by the cravings subside, I notice them less and less...but they do occur in subtle ways. Perhaps because I have not entered into a relationship with someone else...which I prefer for now, to be in relationship with self...to tend to my own life and focus on direction and purpose and well being. It has been best to tend to self and healing...let the cravings/urges/yearnings be noticed...and keep letting go, without distraction.

It makes me empathize with my ex and his, as yet, unsuccessful battle with cravings and urges.

I like to think of it as comparable...that my desires to see him, the yearning to be with him...were just the same as his urge to use. They lessen over time. Life fills in...in really great ways. But if I am not tending to my spiritual well being I run the risk of caving and relapsing.

I say all this just to share with you that I think the urges/cravings/desires are a little normal for the situation...if you get them, which you probably will. Even knowing all of the horribly emotional consequences...we can still occasionally want to re-engage..."pick up".

Keep going...one day at a time. I have been waiting since I met you to see your colors re-emerge and your capacity for flight be strengthened. You will always vbe free to hold him in your heart and pray for his well being, but you don't have to live and die in the destructive lifestyle of addiction/codependency... you have a choice...like all addicts do, like we all do, and you have made it. Keep choosing life. Your wing will heal. XOXO
lesliej is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lesliej For This Useful Post:
blackandblue (03-29-2013), EverHopeful721 (03-30-2013), Jodie77 (03-30-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), Vale (03-30-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 11:12 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
I haven't posted here in ages, but I came here today because I'm having issues with moving on and letting go. This was the perfect thread that I needed to read right now, very inspiring, and sort of makes me feel like I have to challenge myself to prove to myself that I can do it too.

LoveMeNow, what you said "cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him"... is something I've never really heard or thought about, but it's so true and I'm going to repeat that over and over to myself for the time being while I think about how bad I want to be with my AXBF still. As I sit here crying over pictures of him and another girl online...Why do I still have to obsess over him, his use, our relationship. Even when I declared no contact, I caved and was talking to him on a daily basis within a week.
kyles is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kyles For This Useful Post:
blackandblue (03-29-2013), Vale (03-30-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 11:23 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
Originally Posted by kyles View Post
I haven't posted here in ages, but I came here today because I'm having issues with moving on and letting go. This was the perfect thread that I needed to read right now, very inspiring, and sort of makes me feel like I have to challenge myself to prove to myself that I can do it too.

LoveMeNow, what you said "cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him"... is something I've never really heard or thought about, but it's so true and I'm going to repeat that over and over to myself for the time being while I think about how bad I want to be with my AXBF still. As I sit here crying over pictures of him and another girl online...Why do I still have to obsess over him, his use, our relationship. Even when I declared no contact, I caved and was talking to him on a daily basis within a week.
Hi Kylies. I have been thinking about you and your daughter. I am so sorry to read you are still hurting.

I can not take credit for those words. I read it in Jodi's post and copied it to another post because I thought they were very powerful.

I remember when I broke up with my first love after 5 yrs of being inseperable, my mother said something similar to me and it really helped me through my break up with him. Although I ended the relationship, it was still very painful.
I am sorry he is continuing on his path of self destruction, but I am happy to read he will not take you down with him.
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
blackandblue (04-12-2013), kyles (03-29-2013), Vale (03-30-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 11:29 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Hi Kylies. I have been thinking about you and your daughter. I am so sorry to read you are still hurting.

I can not take credit for those words. I read it in Jodi's post and copied it to another post because I thought they were very powerful.

I remember when I broke up with my first love after 5 yrs of being inseperable, my mother said something similar to me and it really helped me through my break up with him. Although I ended the relationship, it was still very painful.
I am sorry he is continuing on his path of self destruction, but I am happy to read he will not take you down with him.
Thanks LoveMeNow. I haven't been here in a while because I rarely have time with the baby and school. When I do have time, I find I'm usually feeling too depressed to even talk about it...don't have the energy to type even!

He's currently in an out patient rehab and actually seems to be doing well, but 1.5 months is not a long enough time to judge. Still expecting the worst instead of getting my hopes up like before.

The thing that bothers me is that today I realize I'd do just about anything he said. Not that he controls me or ever tried to make me do something, it's just the fact that I feel he has that power over me. Today I was feeling so low about everything that I was like, "I totally would do whatever he asked and go along with whatever he said right now."
kyles is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kyles For This Useful Post:
blackandblue (04-12-2013), Vale (04-11-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 11:43 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blackandblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
ViG- The addiction long preceded me by 10-15 years. He started young and there is nothing, not one drug he has not tried. He made it sound like he was a recovering addict. I have come to learn over the last few years that he has never entered or completed any treatment program ever and has never committed to any real recovery. He has been to detox a few times and has attended some meetings but no therapy, no rehab, no treatment, no program, no support system and has never had a sponsor. He was not using his drug of choice at the time we started dating- heroin, but I think he was using other narcotics (pills) randomly and he was drinking and smoking pot. He just could not stand to be sober. He was always high. He mentioned wanting to quit everything once and for all and he had all these ways he felt he could do it himself. He believes he is the exception. I feel for him. I really do. It is painful to watch someone you love take the low road. After 9 months into our relationship he started injecting heroin again and that began the downward spiral. That is when the truth was brought to light about him, his past, his criminal history with drugs, gangs, drug-dealing, violence, guns, crime, etc. I thought it was all embellishment, but it was true. It is how he learned to survive after feeling rejected his whole life. It made him feel alive to be an "outlaw." And I guess loving him fulfilled a similar desire in me. I still care about him but I don't want to be a part of such destruction and devastation. I would never willingly enter into a relationship with an active or non-recovering addict with what I know now.
blackandblue is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to blackandblue For This Useful Post:
EverHopeful721 (03-30-2013), Vale (04-11-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 11:49 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blackandblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Lesliej- Great to hear from you again! I also feel the kindred connection and your support throughout my journey on SR has been so appreciated. I realize I have come so far. I do still get cravings. I do still miss him. And it is good to be reminded that it takes time and it does get better. I have some really hard days. Depression has been deep altering with relief and new breakthroughs. I guess that is grief in action. I cannot fill the void with anyone or anything right now. It's being filled in with recovery that is so desperately needed. I hope my heart can remain open but still protected while under repair. Lots of love to you and thank you for the encouragement through this painful transition.
blackandblue is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to blackandblue For This Useful Post:
EverHopeful721 (03-30-2013), Vale (04-11-2013)
Old 03-29-2013, 11:59 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blackandblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
VIG- He rarely wanted to do anything that was fun or real or active or playful or loving. It was always on his terms. In those beautiful but rare glimpses he would show up for a wonderful moment or even a whole day but there was always a black cloud of despair following closely behind. But those shiny and happy moments were like crack for a hopeless romantic like myself. I relish in those moments but I swear it was all an mirage, an illusion to keep me attached. He was playing a part. He was acting out a part for me. But he was not that. I believe it was all a game. I believe I got played by con-man and I am not just saying that because he is an addict. I do believe deep down he is good but he is so lost at this point. I do pray for him. I have just lost all hope for us.
blackandblue is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to blackandblue For This Useful Post:
EverHopeful721 (03-30-2013), Vale (04-11-2013)
Old 03-30-2013, 12:15 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
Originally Posted by kyles View Post
Thanks LoveMeNow. I haven't been here in a while because I rarely have time with the baby and school. When I do have time, I find I'm usually feeling too depressed to even talk about it...don't have the energy to type even!

He's currently in an out patient rehab and actually seems to be doing well, but 1.5 months is not a long enough time to judge. Still expecting the worst instead of getting my hopes up like before.

The thing that bothers me is that today I realize I'd do just about anything he said. Not that he controls me or ever tried to make me do something, it's just the fact that I feel he has that power over me. Today I was feeling so low about everything that I was like, "I totally would do whatever he asked and go along with whatever he said right now."
Kyle, I really hope you can talk to your mom or someone else in your family about how you feel. I am sure you are exhausted with a new baby but perhaps ruling out postpartum depression wouldn't be a bad idea????

If you are feeling overwhelmed, please ask for help. Both you and your daughter deserve to be happy and healthy!

Keeping you in my prayers!
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
blackandblue (04-12-2013), Vale (04-11-2013)
Old 04-10-2013, 06:51 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blackandblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Almost 3 months and man oh man- wouldn't you know- the stars and planets aligned to put my AXBF and me at the same place at the same time in our not so small city. I am keeping this on the "moving on" thread because I am still moving on. I thought about calling it the "accidental relapse." I was completely taken off guard. He was clearly high on dope. But it triggered a lot of feelings and fears. He was on his way to detox of which he apparently only made it through one day before bailing out. With enough detachment, I can see how difficult it is to get and stay clean. I do still care about his wellbeing and I still pray for him. All it took was a little encounter and a hug and all of a sudden I am love drunk again. Still hungover from it 3 days later. That "accidental relapse" made me realize I have a long way to go to be in the clear. Just taking extra good care of me right now and reaching out for a push in the right direction.
blackandblue is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to blackandblue For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (04-11-2013), EverHopeful721 (04-10-2013), LoveMeNow (04-10-2013), Vale (04-11-2013)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:41 PM.