Moving On
I have questioned the decision to stay or leave since this roller coaster started 3 years ago. I reread my old posts and wow, have I come along way. Today, I am not questioning anymore but this transition is not without difficulty. What's different this time? I have stayed no contact and have maintained my distance for several weeks now.
I cannot count the times I have caved and gone back. I cannot count the times I have broken no contact. I cannot count the times I have put up with treatment I would not wish on anyone. I cannot count the times I said I was done and then was not done. Whenever I have been tempted to run back in the last few weeks, I just prayed and said just for today I will not contact him. I was not ready to say it's over.
And then I found out that when I decided to take space, he relapsed and started injecting heroin again as soon as I detached and went no contact. I am letting go of any shame or guilt or responsibility around his relapse. It did show me that he has had no recovery in place and that I was delusional to think otherwise. I wanted to believe. I wanted my fantasy. And all I can say is that since I started really letting go, I am finding me again.
While I have had a lot of time and distance from him, he has occupied so much of me these last few years. Although I am grieving still, I am regaining strength I have not had since before I met him. I am not sure where this will lead and somehow I trust that I am doing what is best for me. I think I could accept amends from him in the distant future if he were to ever make it to that point in recovery, however, I have to let go of that for now. I still pray for him and at times, my feelings are completely paradoxical. For the first time I can honestly say that I acknowledge and actually feel like I am going through a break-up. There is so much unknown and I am okay with that.
I am doing my best to hold it together and at times still break down. I trust this will get better and could always use words of wisdom. I owe these new personal discoveries and movement toward sanity and serenity to the SR forum, Al-anon, therapy, friends and family, yoga, music, and prayer. Thank you. I am so grateful to all of you. Goodnight.