I can relate to this post so much. I moved out of my ax-fiance's house Feb 26 after getting engaged in Dec (and being "together" for 3.5 years). There was no room left for me after his plethora of addictions. Your post has given me inspiration. I know how hard it is. It's a gnawing feeling of missing him, hysterically crying, hating him, praying for him, hoping he'll come crawling back, and trying myself to move on and laugh again. I've been through an emotional holocaust and so have you.
Right now you're still in the stages of grieving and that's a cyclical swirling process that has no rhyme or reason but will eventually die down like a hurricane that has run out of steam. Afterwards you will have full clarity and be so thankful that you are away from the madness. I believe this because although I'm still in the pits of grief with my fiancé, I also went through a divorce w my xahusband and literally thought I was going to die or never heal. Time gives clarity and it gives healing.
Remember this: cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him.
Big hugs xx