It has been almost a month since I have seen my boyfriend of 10 years. He was/is a heroin addict. My gut is telling me that he relapsed, but of course he denied it. The last time I saw him we got into a fight when his sobriety was questioned. He told me he was done and that I just didn't understand or get anything. Well I decided to read codependent no more and to take time to really do some thinking. I realized how sick I had become and I had a lot of searching to do. Since I haven't seen him I feel better. I am not sick with worry, I am not crazy trying to look for drugs or any sign of drugs, I am not questioning or worrying about everything. I started to work out and go out with my friends and enjoy the things that I used to. One day I sat down and kinda felt guilty that I felt a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I love him so much, but sure don't miss some things. I guess towards the end all I felt I was in the relationship was the enabler with money.
Now that time has settled he is questioning me like "are you just dumping me"?? Well he's the one that said he was done then just basically pushed me away. I sure don't see him trying to win me back. He texted me today saying he "needs" to see me tonight or tomorrow because he can't go on not knowing what is happening. I hate to think this way but I just got paid today. Is that why he needs to see me now??
I just feel like right now I need more and he needs less if that makes sense. He hid his addiction for so long ( 10 years?) and that is how long we have been together. I need someone to be there for me and to want to do things with me. Maybe he isn't capable of those things right now and that's ok. He needs to put himself and his recovery first. He asked for help a year ago and it has been a long year. I tried so hard to make it work dealing with a recovering addict, but I just don't think I can do it. I get so sad, but then I think of how I was treated and how I felt. I guess what really opened my eyes is when my birthday rolled around. The way all my married male co-workers treated me and made me feel so special. I got treated like a princess! Then I go home and didn't even get a card!
I am hoping to sit down and have a talk with him cause right now we both have no idea what is going on. But I will most likely have to move on for both of our sakes!