Moving On

Old 04-10-2013, 05:58 PM
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Remember this: cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him.

xx
I am beginning the process of getting out. And I love this quote.
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Old 04-10-2013, 06:05 PM
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Keep following the path you are on and it will lead you to some place wonderful!! You are doing great, this is minor little blip and you've handled it extemely well.

((hugs))
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Old 04-10-2013, 06:10 PM
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As you said, he was high and is still using. So in three months, he hasn't changed at all. But YOU HAVE - for the better!! As atalose said, you're handling it very well and you just need to keep moving forward. Stay strong!!
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:41 PM
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Wow, it's amazing to have enough detachment and recovery to not worry about what he is doing but still care for his wellbeing. It just does not have as much impact on my overall happiness anymore. It really is not subject to his behavior- only to my reactions. I admit, I am still hungover from seeing him. I feel like a newborn baby learning how to walk again without all of the codependent chatter in my mind and behaviors in my daily life.
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:56 PM
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That is very stong!
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:05 PM
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just keep taking your power back. continue to get him down to right size, just another faulty human.

I had a once very dear to me long time "friend" - ok more than that, he was my bestest buddy, dance partner, drinking partner, hair dresser - did I mention he was gay? but I was "in love" with him....or more like obsessed. AND otherwise engaged with my future second ex husband. after I split from my ex, met hank, moved out and set up shop, M got seriously jealous...i'd made him the center of my universe for SO long and then I finally get separated and unfettered from the husband, but had met someone else and he was no longer my everything. his ego didn't like that one bit.

so we "broke up" if you will. he called me one night and read me the riot act about how hank would ruin my life, and I said, this conversation is over. hung up and that was that. for MANY years.

then I thought, well....gee, MAYBE we can be friends again. and so with hank's permission, I tracked him down. AT FIRST the reunion was great...hugs and god I've missed you, etc etc. promise to stay in touch. and within a week.....he was back to playing games. even called up one night, to the house, LATE, left a drunken rambling unintelligible message.

thing was, he hadn't changed one bit. and what I once found fascinating and intoxicating (the classic come here, go away, you can't have me but i'll give you just enough to think you can) I found.......boring. predictable. childish. whatever hold on me I once let him have, I took back.

it's been 11 years now.
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Old 04-11-2013, 09:30 PM
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Black & Blue,
I am new. The situation with your AXBF sounds like the situation with my current BF, who I thought had some after effects from drug use in the 80s or possibly 90s. We have been friends for years and he told me many of the things that he did. When I asked him how was he able to stop he said that he "just stopped." Then told me that he never did H-every day. That if it was hard to stop he just took a percocet for a few days and then tapered off. Then said he would ocassionally still take pain pills. Then more recently has told me that he would still shoot pain pills since we were friends (for past three years) but not since we became intimate (only for past 2 months) as being with me has "inspired" him to stay clean and healthy. I have never dealt with anyone like this before and have no idea what to believe. He actually treats me wonderfully, but of course, I see all the ways that this could go south and I do spend a lot of time thinking about him, worrying about him, worrying about his health, worrying about if he is really using or not, etc. So is this "love" or is this "co-dependence". And how can one be loving and supportive without being co-dependent? Is it even possible for someone to "recreationally" use opiates? Perhaps over the years he is just such a long time user that he just has learned how to survive/keep it under control? Am I delusional?
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Old 04-12-2013, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
just keep taking your power back. continue to get him down to right size, just another faulty human.


Is it possible that my identity got wrapped up in his and that is the power I lost? Why did I give him all that power? Or did I get swept away by a tidal wave of narcissistic drug induced manipulation? Gotta check myself right there. That's where I got stuck. If I was the me I am today back then, I would not even be on this forum.

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
thing was, he hadn't changed one bit. and what I once found fascinating and intoxicating (the classic come here, go away, you can't have me but i'll give you just enough to think you can) I found.......boring. predictable. childish. whatever hold on me I once let him have, I took back.


I suppose time and space does heal because a lot of my healing process I owe to having a lot of physical distance over the last couple of years and logical detachment thanks to recovery. But the emotional and spiritual detachment is more recent, as in just a couple of months. It's like coming back to reality from being possessed and then learning to trust reality as the truth. Yep, I get love drunk on the chaos and drama and mystery. His story is boring for sure. His life is boring for sure- all he does now is get high and drown in TV. But I know right now, a "healthy" partner would seem boring to me which is why I am flying solo until I trust myself again to not fall into codependent traps.

Anvil- Why is it that there is nothing more attractive than someone who has overcome hardship and understands struggle or is it the struggle itself? I don't think I could ever want anything different. Anyway, rambling now. Just trying to stay level and strong. Old habits die hard.
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Old 04-12-2013, 10:55 AM
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Why is it that there is nothing more attractive than someone who has overcome hardship and understands struggle

I dunno, my own MO was to find the damaged and STILL struggling hugely attractive. the wounded soul in the depths of those eyes that you could dive into and never resurface. the stories of nearly unfathomable loss, or trauma, which created an almost overwhelming desire to wrap them in your arms and just love all the pain away. part compassion, part maternal instinct, part savior. a damaged little boy lost inside a big bad boy's body, dangerous and delicate, fire and ice, risk and reward.

ah but I digress.......
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Old 04-12-2013, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
I dunno, my own MO was to find the damaged and STILL struggling hugely attractive. the wounded soul in the depths of those eyes that you could dive into and never resurface. the stories of nearly unfathomable loss, or trauma, which created an almost overwhelming desire to wrap them in your arms and just love all the pain away. part compassion, part maternal instinct, part savior. a damaged little boy lost inside a big bad boy's body, dangerous and delicate, fire and ice, risk and reward.
^^^^^^^EXACTLY!!! You nailed it, AH!!
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:47 AM
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Moving on, eh?

As I've mentioned in other posts, when the relationship with my AXGF ended, I did not mourn the loss of her, or the loss of the relationship. She did the one thing that I said I would not tolerate under any circumstances. So she was gone.

What I had to look at was my own choices and decisions all along the way with her. And in hindsight, I made decisions based on fear. I thought I loved her and didn't want to lose her, and I'm pretty sure she knew that. But at the same time, we clashed because there were things she did that weren't appropriate and I held my ground most of the time on those issues. It was unhealthy from the get go, and she gave me a huge, huge gift when she left. And I have no caring, warmth, or love for her in any way whatsoever.

These days, I have no wish for a romantic relationship. I have no desire to marry. Doesn't mean I'm incapable of caring about a woman, or even loving a woman in that way. But what it does mean is I'm still learning what it's like to be self-reliant and not depend on others to fill holes in me that I should fill by myself.

ZoSo
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Old 04-12-2013, 03:19 PM
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Zoso, Yep- moving on! The fear kept me stuck. The residue of fear, obligation, and guilt (those pesky maternal instincts) is probably why I still have attachment deep in my cellular make-up. I really believe that betrayal bonds are stronger than healthy relationship bonds. But you responded to the betrayal in the opposite manner- you ran! I am developing that skill- ha ha!

I keep finding and pulling out the hooks from my heart one by one through recovery. I am amazed at your resiliency and ease in letting go. You are one of several men I have come across that has an easier time letting go than most women I know. Not to generalize but it's just and observation. Dare I say- that you do not seem codependent to me. I am borrowing your boundaries until I can make my own if that's cool.

I am in the same boat and have sworn off dating and romantic relationships for the time being. Of course they say never say never. My relationship is an inside job and with my HP for the time being. Until I am clear on that, there is no way I would put myself out there again. I just want to remain resilient while not becoming too rigid in my ways after such hurt and torment. Time will tell I suppose. I believe I am on my path. Thanks for being a part of illuminating my path.

Oh and best to you in your final approach to the finish line!
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