Never thought id see this day
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Never thought id see this day
My fiancé of almost 8 years finally entered rehab for his addiction to opiates.. Cocaine..and freebasing coke.. Today is his second full day and tonight will be his 3rd night. He has cled me about 5 times today and keeps saying how he's not getting enough out of this program and how he can't stand it there and wants to come home.. But he always ends the convo with how he's going to try and stick it out for the rest of the day. I miss him so much.. But have continued to encourage him to stay. He hates the down time and feels extremely bored. I know part of recovery is learning to cope with being bored. I just thought he would have more one in one therapy... I'm trying to get him to stay the very least a week. What do I do? What do I to him? I have so many mixed emotions. I want him to get the proper help! I want to be supportive.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Your fiance has the support of the staff at the rehab center.
You need to get support for yourself. Al anon could be a good tool for you to get face to face support.
I'm suprised he is allowed to call you so much.
You can be of most help to him by learning about co dependency and letting him do his time in rehab with as little contact with you as possible.
It may sound harsh, but those of us in relationships with addicts are not the ones that can be supportive of the addict getting better, they are the only ones who can make that happen.
You need to get support for yourself. Al anon could be a good tool for you to get face to face support.
I'm suprised he is allowed to call you so much.
You can be of most help to him by learning about co dependency and letting him do his time in rehab with as little contact with you as possible.
It may sound harsh, but those of us in relationships with addicts are not the ones that can be supportive of the addict getting better, they are the only ones who can make that happen.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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He's a fisherman so we are used to being apart for weeks at a time and only talking once or twice for 2 minutes per trip! I thought this would be easy but it's so different because he is NOT fishing! I also hate how in the dark I am about what the treatment plan is for him. On the website they say how they involve the family but so far it doesn't sound like they have any plan along those lines. I know it's only day 2 but I really feel like it's important to include me because we are a family. They say It's a family disease..treating only one half just doesn't sound that promising. I've been in therapy of my own for a year now but my therapist doesn't seem to have any experience with my situation. I know I'm rambling but I have so much on my mind. I have so many questions and I'm trying to maintain a household.. Be a mom.. And a college student. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry sometimes.. I want time to hurry up.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dreamer, it is very common for them to want to come home in the first few days, even the first few weeks. They will make excuses about how bad the rehab is, but most rehabs are about as good as the willingness of the resident to grasp on to the program. They will feign illness and heart problems and abuse...but I have seen many many rehabs when my son was in them and I worked at a rehab for a couple of years...and almost all of them are excellent with counselors available 24 hours for the residents who feel a need to talk.
One think you should know is that rehabs are there to help the residents and family members often feel left out, and if they call to inquire about their loved one, the rehab may not engage in conversation with them. It's a privacy thing and the rehab is there for the person needing, not the world outside.
I hope your fiance sees this through. And I hope you find a program for yourself so you can find your balance again and peace...regardless of how this unfolds for him.
Hugs
One think you should know is that rehabs are there to help the residents and family members often feel left out, and if they call to inquire about their loved one, the rehab may not engage in conversation with them. It's a privacy thing and the rehab is there for the person needing, not the world outside.
I hope your fiance sees this through. And I hope you find a program for yourself so you can find your balance again and peace...regardless of how this unfolds for him.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Dreamer)) - I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a loved one who has A's (addicts) still using/drinking.
I get that you want to be part of his recovery. I can only tell you, from my own experience, that what he really needs is to be among other RAs. It's not a slight toward you, but you don't understand how the addict mind thinks and you never will unless you become an addict.
Recovery is tough. It's like someone just took your entire life and everything you felt comfortable with and turned it upside down. This is not only true for A's, but for codies who love A's.
The best thing I can suggest is work on YOUR recovery. What makes you happy? What makes you feel secure?
FWIW, it was my codependency that led me to addiction. When I finally chose recovery for my addiction, I came "back" to SR...a site I'd lurked on for a couple of years.
What was amazing to me, was I found my "home" here. I wanted to be THE ONE that made my beloved A's change. I wanted to be there for them, through thick and then.
What I've learned, since then, is what *I* want matters! Who knew?
I have THREE XABF's, my "picker" is obviously broken
However, now that I have some recovery (in addiction and codependency), I'm realizing that what I want matters.
I'm not saying just toss him to the curb. Your relationship with him is for you to decide. I will tell you that rehab isn't a cure. It simply gives the A tools to use toward recovery. It's still up to the A to use those tools.
As a recovering codie, I also have tools to use, and I got them from here and al-anon.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I get that you want to be part of his recovery. I can only tell you, from my own experience, that what he really needs is to be among other RAs. It's not a slight toward you, but you don't understand how the addict mind thinks and you never will unless you become an addict.
Recovery is tough. It's like someone just took your entire life and everything you felt comfortable with and turned it upside down. This is not only true for A's, but for codies who love A's.
The best thing I can suggest is work on YOUR recovery. What makes you happy? What makes you feel secure?
FWIW, it was my codependency that led me to addiction. When I finally chose recovery for my addiction, I came "back" to SR...a site I'd lurked on for a couple of years.
What was amazing to me, was I found my "home" here. I wanted to be THE ONE that made my beloved A's change. I wanted to be there for them, through thick and then.
What I've learned, since then, is what *I* want matters! Who knew?
I have THREE XABF's, my "picker" is obviously broken
However, now that I have some recovery (in addiction and codependency), I'm realizing that what I want matters.I'm not saying just toss him to the curb. Your relationship with him is for you to decide. I will tell you that rehab isn't a cure. It simply gives the A tools to use toward recovery. It's still up to the A to use those tools.
As a recovering codie, I also have tools to use, and I got them from here and al-anon.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I can share a little about our rehab experience. My husband went into rehab for opiate based pain meds, Xanax, and cocaine. He also decided he wanted to leave after the first couple days. didn’t like it there, didn’t think it was right for him, didn’t like the people. I think mostly it was a natural reaction to being put in a new environment, with people he didn’t know, there was a structure he had to follow, and it was stressful. And normally stress would prompt using, but he couldn’t use in rehab of course ! The doctors and staff thankfully knew how to work with him, and the longer he stayed, the more familiar it became, and then he was ok. He got hit with those feeling again a couple times, but he ended up making it through a 90 day program.All rehabs are different, but my husband’s rehab also allowed him to call me, and he was even allowed to have a laptop to use in off time. So we communicated daily.
I agree with you however, there are differences in the types of treatment, and all rehabs are not alike. Some have more one: one and others are more group oriented for example. The goal is the same, but I think people do have specific needs, and respond better to certain programs. But I doubt he could tell in two days time, so my guess its anxiety right now. It sounds like you had a look at what they promoted as their program, so it should be close to that. If your fiancé signs a privacy release then they will more freely talk to you, otherwise they are limited on what they can share legally. My husband did this, and I was able to talk to his doctors, and keep updated on how they felt he was doing progress wise.
His rehab also promoted family involvement, and I agree with you on this too – it’s important to include family because it is a family disease. Initially however they focused mostly on my husband with evaluations, getting him settled into the structure of the program, stabilizing him. I wouldnt worry about being left out at this point.
I also used a therapist when my husband was in rehab, and she was a big help to me, so Im glad to hear you already have one. If the one you have isn’t up on addiction issues, then you could ask for a referral to an addiction specialist where you could get some brief counseling and answers to your questions. My therapist was able to do this, and then I also relied on her to discuss my feelings. She helped me think things through, and helped me process my feelings about things in the past, and concerns for the future.
But going back to your question about how to reassure your husband.. what I did was to remind mine of the big picture, the ultimate goal. He made the choice and I was proud of him, I recognized that it was a difficult process and didn’t minimize his feelings but tried to hold firm on his needing to see it through. Its hard. We can only do so much, they are the ones to make that ultimate commitment to stay.
I saw you’re a mom. Me too. My son was just an infant when my husband went into rehab. There’s also a forum on here for parenting in relation to addiction issues if you want to check that out.
I will send up a prayer your fiancé keeps sticking it out day by day….
I agree with you however, there are differences in the types of treatment, and all rehabs are not alike. Some have more one: one and others are more group oriented for example. The goal is the same, but I think people do have specific needs, and respond better to certain programs. But I doubt he could tell in two days time, so my guess its anxiety right now. It sounds like you had a look at what they promoted as their program, so it should be close to that. If your fiancé signs a privacy release then they will more freely talk to you, otherwise they are limited on what they can share legally. My husband did this, and I was able to talk to his doctors, and keep updated on how they felt he was doing progress wise.
His rehab also promoted family involvement, and I agree with you on this too – it’s important to include family because it is a family disease. Initially however they focused mostly on my husband with evaluations, getting him settled into the structure of the program, stabilizing him. I wouldnt worry about being left out at this point.
I also used a therapist when my husband was in rehab, and she was a big help to me, so Im glad to hear you already have one. If the one you have isn’t up on addiction issues, then you could ask for a referral to an addiction specialist where you could get some brief counseling and answers to your questions. My therapist was able to do this, and then I also relied on her to discuss my feelings. She helped me think things through, and helped me process my feelings about things in the past, and concerns for the future.
But going back to your question about how to reassure your husband.. what I did was to remind mine of the big picture, the ultimate goal. He made the choice and I was proud of him, I recognized that it was a difficult process and didn’t minimize his feelings but tried to hold firm on his needing to see it through. Its hard. We can only do so much, they are the ones to make that ultimate commitment to stay.
I saw you’re a mom. Me too. My son was just an infant when my husband went into rehab. There’s also a forum on here for parenting in relation to addiction issues if you want to check that out.
I will send up a prayer your fiancé keeps sticking it out day by day….
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
he's going to need more than ONE week! give it a little TIME. if he DOES leave early than sadly you'll know quite clearly how NOT into getting clean and staying clean he is.
From everything i have read here, it seems like the 28 days rehabs barely touch the surface of the problems. Of course, it is still really up to the individual and how motivated there are to stay clean.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by dreamer26
He's a fisherman so we are used to being apart for weeks at a time and only talking once or twice for 2 minutes per trip! I thought this would be easy but it's so different because he is NOT fishing! I also hate how in the dark I am about what the treatment plan is for him. On the website they say how they involve the family but so far it doesn't sound like they have any plan along those lines. I know it's only day 2 but I really feel like it's important to include me because we are a family. They say It's a family disease..treating only one half just doesn't sound that promising. I've been in therapy of my own for a year now but my therapist doesn't seem to have any experience with my situation. I know I'm rambling but I have so much on my mind. I have so many questions and I'm trying to maintain a household.. Be a mom.. And a college student. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry sometimes.. I want time to hurry up.
I too am surprised that he is allowed to call so much... When my ex was in rehab he was only allowed certain times he could call.. They do this so that the addict can focus entirely on recovery and not have the distractions from family and friends...
Use this time to start your own recovery program... Rehab is the easy part.. When he gets back home it's going to be a long uphill battle for both of you for a long time.. You will need the support of alanon or naranon just like he will need AA or NA....
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 25
Jerect I guess I didn't mention detox wouldn't take him because he wasn't physically addicted. He had to have a clean drug test in order for the rehab to take him. He is NOT at detox though they do have a detox program. I haven't heard from him today so in a way that could be a good thing. It's been a really hard day today.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
takes courage to stick it out
Originally Posted by dreamer26
What do I do?
tell him that the best thing that he can do for the both of you
is
to stay in rehab and get sober
he's not alone
it is hard for most all who enter rehab
takes courage to stick it out
the easy way is giving in
returning home before we have a clue
and then returning to using
onehigherpower
is
to stay in rehab and get sober
he's not alone
it is hard for most all who enter rehab
takes courage to stick it out
the easy way is giving in
returning home before we have a clue
and then returning to using
onehigherpower
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
he's going to need more than ONE week! give it a little TIME. if he DOES leave early than sadly you'll know quite clearly how NOT into getting clean and staying clean he is.
The first 30 days were completely no contact. He was not in a detox facility either. He detoxed at home and was clean when he went in, but even now, he is still foggy and achy and grumpy at times.
full detox is different than withdrawl.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Lily did he choose to go to rehab? You are so lucky he stuck it out,. And that you are through that. This week has been hell. My mind won't shut off with questions. I know it's going to be better in the long run. Living with an addict is hell also.. And having ocd myself makes it like 10 million times worse. My mind won't quit!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
ya, he chose to. He didn't stick it out though. He had 3 more months. Heroin ain't called the dragon just for laughs.
He did try to stay. He needed to pay his court fines and couldn't get an extension. Maybe he jumped at the excuse to leave.
He He liked it there, although he did express conflict with the vague HP of AA, he's a die hard Jesus freak, and insists to anyone and everyone its the only higher power worth having.
He is in celebrate recovery now, and likes it better cuz it matches the religion better.
how did I handle it? hmmm. well. I am a codependent, which means basically Im addicted to him and his love for me, as well as trying to cure him.
I went through an emotional withdrawl for the first couple of weeks he was gone but then I started to feel better.
I came here and found a lot of healing for myself, or so I thought. I went to al anon and got a sponsor, and realized I needed to work the 12 steps.
I recently switched programs to celebrate recovery about a month ago, and I like it. It does acknowledge the truth of the 12 steps, but takes them deeper into what are called the 8 principles... in short... the beattitudes. definitely not for everyone, but it helps me.
hugs to you. for me the only way back to joy was the 12 steps, now the only way to keep it is living the beattitudes, which are the same thing, but just with a bible thumpin twist
He did try to stay. He needed to pay his court fines and couldn't get an extension. Maybe he jumped at the excuse to leave.
He He liked it there, although he did express conflict with the vague HP of AA, he's a die hard Jesus freak, and insists to anyone and everyone its the only higher power worth having.
He is in celebrate recovery now, and likes it better cuz it matches the religion better.
how did I handle it? hmmm. well. I am a codependent, which means basically Im addicted to him and his love for me, as well as trying to cure him.
I went through an emotional withdrawl for the first couple of weeks he was gone but then I started to feel better.
I came here and found a lot of healing for myself, or so I thought. I went to al anon and got a sponsor, and realized I needed to work the 12 steps.
I recently switched programs to celebrate recovery about a month ago, and I like it. It does acknowledge the truth of the 12 steps, but takes them deeper into what are called the 8 principles... in short... the beattitudes. definitely not for everyone, but it helps me.
hugs to you. for me the only way back to joy was the 12 steps, now the only way to keep it is living the beattitudes, which are the same thing, but just with a bible thumpin twist
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 25
3 months seems like a long time.. 3 days has felt like a year.. Maybe I'm codependent but I always thought I was just hopelessly in love. I'm used to missing him.. But he's usually on a fishing boat with 6 other men and a sattlelite phone.. Now he's in a rehab with both sexes and I'm not used to that. I have this annoying immature fear he will think he relates better to the people on rehab than to me. We have been together since we were 18 and have known and liked each other since the 6th grade. We both just turned 26 in march. Recovery is scaring me in so many different ways then his active addiction that he's had for the last 5-6 years not including his marijuana use since he was 12
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I really need a meeting but I'm afraid ill cry.. I feel like I've faced so many of my own demons and it's taken a year so far in therapy.. And now it's his turn and for some reason I want it to happen over night! I know it's not going to but ahh! And another thing is we both haven't really found our religion.. We aren't spiritual.. And are not sure about the bible.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hope your both doing ok today Dreamer.
It sounds to me like your feelings are normal. Codependency takes things to extremes on a consistent basis and makes things unmanageable in people’s lives. your the only one who can evaluate your life and make that call. I think major change is initially upsetting to most people, and we are allowed to have varying emotions over it for a while.
Sometimes we worry our loved one will get into a new situation (could be a job, hobby, rehab) and meet new people, or start growing in a direction away from us. It sounds like you and fiancé have a strong bond. I have ways had that with my husband, and I think even though it was tested, and we had to step away from each other for a while to work on ourselves, just knowing we had this strong foundation between us, gave comfort, we knew it was safe to do that work, and in the end it would make what we had together stronger.
I know when I was working with a therapist and taking care of business. It really showed me how progress can be made, but over time. I find it very much the same with addiction issues my husband faced. He had certain issues to work on, and then his addiction therapy was mostly based on cognitive behavioral therapy. It does take time and practice.
Neither of used the 12 step approach. We both believe in a HP, but for us addiction is more a medical issue like depression, or even OCD. We learn how to manage it, and remove ourselves from it. And so for us HP plays a role, but just the same as if it were any other medical illness.
I know sometimes we need a personal connection though. Face to face nods of understanding in response to our words, or even a hug from someone in the same kind of painful situation. I had some of that by working through my husband’s rehab. They had some group meetings just for family, and some shared between patients and family. Those were both helpful. Maybe check with the rehab and ask about this for yourself. It's ok to reach out to them and check, especially since they mentioned offering family involvement/support. Some addiction therapist also sponsor their own group sessions & I read on another thread where you did get a referral? Thats great. And with alanon, you can always try it, the meetings are supposed to have no cross talk, so you can listen and share freely. Its your choice to decide if you want to work the steps, or only use their in-person support.
It sounds to me like your feelings are normal. Codependency takes things to extremes on a consistent basis and makes things unmanageable in people’s lives. your the only one who can evaluate your life and make that call. I think major change is initially upsetting to most people, and we are allowed to have varying emotions over it for a while.
Sometimes we worry our loved one will get into a new situation (could be a job, hobby, rehab) and meet new people, or start growing in a direction away from us. It sounds like you and fiancé have a strong bond. I have ways had that with my husband, and I think even though it was tested, and we had to step away from each other for a while to work on ourselves, just knowing we had this strong foundation between us, gave comfort, we knew it was safe to do that work, and in the end it would make what we had together stronger.
I know when I was working with a therapist and taking care of business. It really showed me how progress can be made, but over time. I find it very much the same with addiction issues my husband faced. He had certain issues to work on, and then his addiction therapy was mostly based on cognitive behavioral therapy. It does take time and practice.
Neither of used the 12 step approach. We both believe in a HP, but for us addiction is more a medical issue like depression, or even OCD. We learn how to manage it, and remove ourselves from it. And so for us HP plays a role, but just the same as if it were any other medical illness.
I know sometimes we need a personal connection though. Face to face nods of understanding in response to our words, or even a hug from someone in the same kind of painful situation. I had some of that by working through my husband’s rehab. They had some group meetings just for family, and some shared between patients and family. Those were both helpful. Maybe check with the rehab and ask about this for yourself. It's ok to reach out to them and check, especially since they mentioned offering family involvement/support. Some addiction therapist also sponsor their own group sessions & I read on another thread where you did get a referral? Thats great. And with alanon, you can always try it, the meetings are supposed to have no cross talk, so you can listen and share freely. Its your choice to decide if you want to work the steps, or only use their in-person support.
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