QUACKERs.... Part 4
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
AH Calling me at work: (back story - has been off since last September on 'sick' leave and did a 30 day program in October, but hasn't bothered going back to work since then. We are also living separately due to the drinking/drugs and he's not happy about that)
AH (sober at the time): I got a letter from the work lawyer. Said I have to go to testing tomorrow and do some stupid return to work thing. They aren't allowed to only give me 24 hours to go, they have to give me lots more time than that, I know the rules!
Me: (works in HR) Actually, 24 hours is normal to give for testing given your work's drug & alcohol policy. Maybe you should go get a lawyer and talk to him/her about all this? I think that's the best thing you can do right now, honestly. I don't know what your options are right now and they will.
AH: I don't want to think about it right now, so mad!
AH's decision? Calls me back 2 hours later and is LOADED! Going on about how no one can dictate to him if he can be drunk OR sober!
Next day (while I'm at work):
AH (still drunk): You're a horrible wife and you screwed me over!
Me: Ummmm... how did I screw you over?
AH: You didn't hire me that lawyer and when I didn't go to testing today now they will fire me! What kind of wife doesn't do that for their husband????
Me: I wasn't aware that you wanted me to hire a lawyer for you.
AH: You always do this, will help everyone else but NEVER ME! I love you man, but you don't know how to be a good person. Only ever want to help yourself, never anyone else.
Me: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I have to go back to work
AH: See??? Always helping everyone else, but can't be bothered to help me when I really need it!!
Me: They pay me...
AH: They shouldn't, you suck. No one likes you anyway. They should fire YOU and see how you like it!
Me: <hangs up>
AH (sober at the time): I got a letter from the work lawyer. Said I have to go to testing tomorrow and do some stupid return to work thing. They aren't allowed to only give me 24 hours to go, they have to give me lots more time than that, I know the rules!
Me: (works in HR) Actually, 24 hours is normal to give for testing given your work's drug & alcohol policy. Maybe you should go get a lawyer and talk to him/her about all this? I think that's the best thing you can do right now, honestly. I don't know what your options are right now and they will.
AH: I don't want to think about it right now, so mad!
AH's decision? Calls me back 2 hours later and is LOADED! Going on about how no one can dictate to him if he can be drunk OR sober!
Next day (while I'm at work):
AH (still drunk): You're a horrible wife and you screwed me over!
Me: Ummmm... how did I screw you over?
AH: You didn't hire me that lawyer and when I didn't go to testing today now they will fire me! What kind of wife doesn't do that for their husband????
Me: I wasn't aware that you wanted me to hire a lawyer for you.
AH: You always do this, will help everyone else but NEVER ME! I love you man, but you don't know how to be a good person. Only ever want to help yourself, never anyone else.
Me: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I have to go back to work
AH: See??? Always helping everyone else, but can't be bothered to help me when I really need it!!
Me: They pay me...
AH: They shouldn't, you suck. No one likes you anyway. They should fire YOU and see how you like it!
Me: <hangs up>
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sueby, that’s rough. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. Glad you hung up on him. Maybe it’s time to just his calls go to voicemail. He can feel victimized to a computer chip.
I hope you’re okay.
I hope you’re okay.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pizza......Yes, in fact, I did read it. I have always loved the Quackers----mostly, because it is a reminder that any of us who interact with or live with non-recovering alcoholics, typically, receive tons of twisted and ridiculous verbiage. The content is usually sooo Krazy that it is probably funny to outsiders, but for us members it is usually a j=matter of laughing instead of crying! Out usual advice is to simply disengage or ignore it----as, seriously engaging with such Kraziness accomplishes nothing, except for driving us Mad,
Hence the name "Quackers". We are advised to picture the alcoholic as a small duck quacking and flapping it's wings----just quacking.
Pizza----can you share with us, specifically, what kind of reaction were you hoping to get from us?
I thought he came across as being very manipulative in a passive-aggressive way. Also, quite accusatory, in my opinion.
I think that you were smart by not taking the bait and cutting him off.
Hence the name "Quackers". We are advised to picture the alcoholic as a small duck quacking and flapping it's wings----just quacking.
Pizza----can you share with us, specifically, what kind of reaction were you hoping to get from us?
I thought he came across as being very manipulative in a passive-aggressive way. Also, quite accusatory, in my opinion.
I think that you were smart by not taking the bait and cutting him off.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Hi Pizza, when I read your quack what I thought was when he said it was a shame
there was no reconciliation, you didn't gray rock/medium chill him & it's too bad cause
that was the first bait he threw at you. Better to have said "maybe" and gone into another
room. He only said it as an intro to an argument (really just to rant at you) as to why you
won't reconcile.
I had to read the responses on the website many times before I could rattle off something
without having to engage. And, "you could be right" was the comment that would
silence my RAH when I would use it, which wasn't often
And as he continually baited you, this is a chance for you to state
"I won't discuss that right now, as opposed to telling him to stop making it all about him.
Thats pointless, and you have the right to not discuss something or set up
a time when you would like to, with ground rules, like NO yelling, each having a turn
to express their opinion, no snarky remarks, no sarcasm, the discussion is
only to come to come to a resolution of some kind.
As a mental health professional, do you interact with addicts/codependents?
there was no reconciliation, you didn't gray rock/medium chill him & it's too bad cause
that was the first bait he threw at you. Better to have said "maybe" and gone into another
room. He only said it as an intro to an argument (really just to rant at you) as to why you
won't reconcile.
I had to read the responses on the website many times before I could rattle off something
without having to engage. And, "you could be right" was the comment that would
silence my RAH when I would use it, which wasn't often
And as he continually baited you, this is a chance for you to state
"I won't discuss that right now, as opposed to telling him to stop making it all about him.
Thats pointless, and you have the right to not discuss something or set up
a time when you would like to, with ground rules, like NO yelling, each having a turn
to express their opinion, no snarky remarks, no sarcasm, the discussion is
only to come to come to a resolution of some kind.
As a mental health professional, do you interact with addicts/codependents?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Sueby, that’s rough. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. Glad you hung up on him. Maybe it’s time to just his calls go to voicemail. He can feel victimized to a computer chip.
I hope you’re okay.
I hope you’re okay.
He's a serial drunk dialer, so I've learned the calling patterns to tell how drunk he is and then decide if I want to answer. If he calls and there's no answer, then doesn't call back immediately, he's pretty sober and logical. If he calls and there's no answer, then calls back repeatedly, he's loaded and totally illogical. And he always texts if he's sober, hates talking to people then.
I actually thought he was calling to tell me how testing went. He had told our son earlier that day that he was going, and our son said he sounded sober. It is what it is, his choice to make and his life to live.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Hi Pizza, when I read your quack what I thought was when he said it was a shame
there was no reconciliation, you didn't gray rock/medium chill him & it's too bad cause
that was the first bait he threw at you. Better to have said "maybe" and gone into another
room. He only said it as an intro to an argument (really just to rant at you) as to why you
won't reconcile.
I had to read the responses on the website many times before I could rattle off something
without having to engage. And, "you could be right" was the comment that would
silence my RAH when I would use it, which wasn't often
And as he continually baited you, this is a chance for you to state
"I won't discuss that right now, as opposed to telling him to stop making it all about him.
Thats pointless, and you have the right to not discuss something or set up
a time when you would like to, with ground rules, like NO yelling, each having a turn
to express their opinion, no snarky remarks, no sarcasm, the discussion is
only to come to come to a resolution of some kind.
As a mental health professional, do you interact with addicts/codependents?
there was no reconciliation, you didn't gray rock/medium chill him & it's too bad cause
that was the first bait he threw at you. Better to have said "maybe" and gone into another
room. He only said it as an intro to an argument (really just to rant at you) as to why you
won't reconcile.
I had to read the responses on the website many times before I could rattle off something
without having to engage. And, "you could be right" was the comment that would
silence my RAH when I would use it, which wasn't often
And as he continually baited you, this is a chance for you to state
"I won't discuss that right now, as opposed to telling him to stop making it all about him.
Thats pointless, and you have the right to not discuss something or set up
a time when you would like to, with ground rules, like NO yelling, each having a turn
to express their opinion, no snarky remarks, no sarcasm, the discussion is
only to come to come to a resolution of some kind.
As a mental health professional, do you interact with addicts/codependents?
yes. Anyway I guess I like showing him the mirror to reflect his narcissism back to him, even though he won’t change. Just so he knows I see through him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by pizza67
yes. Anyway I guess I like showing him the mirror to reflect his narcissism back to him, even though he won’t change. Just so he knows I see through him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by pizza67
oh is this supposed to be him? Lol
If he was, if there was even a hint of remorse to be felt, a lesson to be learned a "take away" from your "chats" he would have already taken all that on, but he hasn't.
There is no mirror, he can't hear you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Narcs, of all catagories of mental illness are most resistant to "help" or intervention,
and as a mental health professional, you may know this? Above all, I sincerely hope
that you don't think you can change/cure/enlighten him about narcissism because
you are a mental health professional. This would be such a sad endeavor, to be so
consumed about making a point in spite of you and your children continuing to be
verbally and emotionally abused.
and as a mental health professional, you may know this? Above all, I sincerely hope
that you don't think you can change/cure/enlighten him about narcissism because
you are a mental health professional. This would be such a sad endeavor, to be so
consumed about making a point in spite of you and your children continuing to be
verbally and emotionally abused.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Narcs, of all catagories of mental illness are most resistant to "help" or intervention,
and as a mental health professional, you may know this? Above all, I sincerely hope
that you don't think you can change/cure/enlighten him about narcissism because
you are a mental health professional. This would be such a sad endeavor, to be so
consumed about making a point in spite of you and your children continuing to be
verbally and emotionally abused.
and as a mental health professional, you may know this? Above all, I sincerely hope
that you don't think you can change/cure/enlighten him about narcissism because
you are a mental health professional. This would be such a sad endeavor, to be so
consumed about making a point in spite of you and your children continuing to be
verbally and emotionally abused.
1) Idk where you get your info from, but there are others equally or more resistant than narcs. Eg bipolar, paranoid schizophrenia...your comment that “as a mental health professional you may know this?” comes off as condescension.
2) I harbor no illusions of being able to change him. I also didn’t say I did.
But thanks for the reminder as to why I rarely post.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Pizza, I did not mean to appear condescending at all- my thought process
is that there are many capacities that a mental health professional can
work in and I did not want to assume anything. I stand by my belief though
as narcissists being some of the most difficult to treat. For example, I don't
believe your husband will ever believe he is a narc and likely thinks you
are calling him names and always picking on him and insulting him and it
only serves as more fire for his awful behavior towards you and the kids.
I truly hope you will continue posting here, sometimes things are lost when
speech and facial expressions are not seen/heard, but everyone here wants
what is best for you and your children and only wish to help..
is that there are many capacities that a mental health professional can
work in and I did not want to assume anything. I stand by my belief though
as narcissists being some of the most difficult to treat. For example, I don't
believe your husband will ever believe he is a narc and likely thinks you
are calling him names and always picking on him and insulting him and it
only serves as more fire for his awful behavior towards you and the kids.
I truly hope you will continue posting here, sometimes things are lost when
speech and facial expressions are not seen/heard, but everyone here wants
what is best for you and your children and only wish to help..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hi Pizza.....don't forget....take what you liked and leave the rest...... please don't stop posting because you don't like some of the feedback. It would be a shame to miss out on all the great support here on the forum
Maybe it's time to ask yourself why you stay in the relationship. I stayed long after it was less than ideal but I know why I stayed. There were still good bits. I put my energy into those good bits and I accepted or ignored (possibly denied) the bad bits. I tried to nurture and encourage what was still good.
You say yourself he will never change so rather than focus on what upsets you about him can you try turning the focus around to yourself and find the things that make you happy about him? Even if it's when he's not in you get to choose the TV chanel or eat all the ice cream. He won't change but you can. By changing your own perspective you may be able to find some joy amongst all that heartache.
There must be reasons why you stay and maybe examining these will be helpful to you.
Maybe it's time to ask yourself why you stay in the relationship. I stayed long after it was less than ideal but I know why I stayed. There were still good bits. I put my energy into those good bits and I accepted or ignored (possibly denied) the bad bits. I tried to nurture and encourage what was still good.
You say yourself he will never change so rather than focus on what upsets you about him can you try turning the focus around to yourself and find the things that make you happy about him? Even if it's when he's not in you get to choose the TV chanel or eat all the ice cream. He won't change but you can. By changing your own perspective you may be able to find some joy amongst all that heartache.
There must be reasons why you stay and maybe examining these will be helpful to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by Amaranth
Hi Pizza.....don't forget....take what you liked and leave the rest...... please don't stop posting because you don't like some of the feedback. It would be a shame to miss out on all the great support here on the forum
Maybe it's time to ask yourself why you stay in the relationship. I stayed long after it was less than ideal but I know why I stayed. There were still good bits. I put my energy into those good bits and I accepted or ignored (possibly denied) the bad bits. I tried to nurture and encourage what was still good.
You say yourself he will never change so rather than focus on what upsets you about him can you try turning the focus around to yourself and find the things that make you happy about him? Even if it's when he's not in you get to choose the TV chanel or eat all the ice cream. He won't change but you can. By changing your own perspective you may be able to find some joy amongst all that heartache.
There must be reasons why you stay and maybe examining these will be helpful to you.
Maybe it's time to ask yourself why you stay in the relationship. I stayed long after it was less than ideal but I know why I stayed. There were still good bits. I put my energy into those good bits and I accepted or ignored (possibly denied) the bad bits. I tried to nurture and encourage what was still good.
You say yourself he will never change so rather than focus on what upsets you about him can you try turning the focus around to yourself and find the things that make you happy about him? Even if it's when he's not in you get to choose the TV chanel or eat all the ice cream. He won't change but you can. By changing your own perspective you may be able to find some joy amongst all that heartache.
There must be reasons why you stay and maybe examining these will be helpful to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
The latest: I’m “more aloof” after therapy (he always trashes therapy and my profession and has even threatened not to pay for my and the kids treatment), and because I resent him trashing therapy again, that means I hate him and assume the worst about him. And he finds it helpful to think of me as his ex wife rather than admit I don’t love him. (I Never said that. Said the opposite)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
