Florence

We had this argument last night. Um, so you want me to praise you endlessly for doing things that you should be doing anyway?

YOUR BOX OF COOKIES IS IN THE MAIL.

m1k3

Isn't that the truth. Just heard it again in the last month.

This is while she was listing the reasons her latest binge wasn't really her fault.

MeredithD1

Florence

I got a new one last night when the "R"AH was updating me on his job search.

(Background, he was a chef by trade and is struggling to find work that won't put him around booze.)

He told me he applied for a job at a local steakhouse/bar that was looking for a chef and kitchen manager, and that his addiction counselor asked him what the difference was between that place and the old place. He said, "Well, I'm in recovery now [note: he relapsed less than three weeks ago and doesn't have a sponsor], I won't be into the old clique, and I won't be tempted to go bar hopping after work." Quack, quack, quack.

Which sounds really nice to a total newbie, but pal, YOUR PROBLEM WAS NOT SOCIAL DRINKING.

Ponder

I heard this pile of crap come out of his mouth last night, after somebody brought him a mason jar of hooch;

"I do GREAT on the PURE stuff. I don't get sick.."

There was more blah blah blah, but I just stopped listening. Sorry, but alcohol is alcohol. I just wish he could stop bullsh*tting himself.

passionfruit

AH:
C, I am ready, now, to go through with this divorce.

Me:
You are? So what has brought you here?

AH: There is no communication between us for one. (I have been nc with AH for the last 2.5 months. lol. hmmmmmmmmmm?)

AH continues: I fully intended to walk into the sunset with you.
I have seen christian counselors and secular counselors and I TOLD THEM THE TRUTH. And they all told me its time to divorce you.

Me: okay. So did you tell them about your drinking, E?

AH: I don't drink, C.

Me: When was the last time you had a beer E?

AH: Do you remember the last time I saw you? Remember me holding the door for you? Remember me asking you if you to be my wife? Do you remember that day? That was the last time.

2.5 months ago. Yet, He doesn't drink.



QUACK QUACK QUACK

He believes this stuff..........Geez Louise..........



I accomplished my goal.......Slide out the back door nice and quiet.......

Seeking Wisdom

After many years of AH hiding alcohol, endless lies, mood swings and bizarre behavior ...
AH: “We need to see a marriage counselor because YOU have an attitude problem”.

.................................................. .................................................. ....

On a hot summer day ... after finding 4 small bottles of COLD wine hidden in a large bag kept in the very warm trunk of his car "supposedly" untouched for 6 months ...
AH: “I have no idea how those got in there, must have been from last winter”.

.................................................. .................................................. ....

In response to my question “why are you slurring your words and your eyes are glazed over?”
AH’s alternating replies,
“I have no idea what you are talking about, it must be stress”
“I have no idea what you are talking about, it must be because I am tired”
“I have no idea what you are talking about, it must be my sinuses”

.................................................. .................................................. ....

After going through detox and swearing he would not drink anymore....
AH insisted he go to a grocery store 5 minutes away just to get a loaf of bread for supper ... and came home 90 minutes later... without the bread.
AH’s excuse,
“I was really tired and it took me a long time to walk through the store”.
Never could explain why he forgot the bread.

.................................................. .................................................. ....

AH called around 10 pm to say he would be home in a few minutes after going to an AA meeting. Once more he showed up 90 minutes later insisting he had just stopped by the store for some Tylenol. I later found wine bottles hidden in his trunk.
AH’s excuse, “Oh after the AA meeting, I remembered I had wine hidden at the office and felt guilty, so I went to the office and picked up the wine so I could throw it away”.
.................................................. .................................................. ....

I wish I knew then what I know now .... I wasted a lot of years thinking I would get logical answers from someone consumed by an irrational addiction.

SusieC

Hi everyone, this is my first post!

Some quacks (now fortunately only memories...)

(while trying to explain to him why is it hurting me if he's drinking):"Why do you hate me?" or "Oh, so I'm the bad guy again, right?"

"I didntd drmk anthing, I swwear!"

"I'm not an alcoholic, I just have to go to the pub all the time because all my friends are there, I have other people in my life, everything is not about you!"

"...and now everybody hates me because of you, because you tell everyone I'm an alcoholic which I'm not but everyone believes you!" (I've never told anyone anything like this of course...)

"You're just trying to humiliate me, you know I'm not an alcoholic!"

My FIL isn't working since 2001 and the family is struggling with money and his alcoholism, this is one of his nice moments:

(after his wife spent their last money on food for the children: )
"Sooo, that's why I can't have a drink, because you are spending our money on useless stuff like this!!"

I'm sure there are more....

fedup3

Welcome SusieC and keep posting!

You know food really is overemphasized these days, you really don't need to eat everyday.

Portia123

Him: Are you mad at me? (the day after a binge, I get quiet, I don't want to talk to him, I'd rather be quiet than start a fight - I usually snap out of it in a couple of hours).
Me: No, I'm not mad at you. I understand your need to drink.
Him: I wasn't drinking!
Me: I know you were, I'm not an idiot but it's fine - I'm disappointed is all, you're in an IOP, I don't understand why you don't work your program, but it's your deal. Just let me have my space for a little while, and I'll be fine.

Him: Leave me alone, or "I don't want to hear your crap".
Me: Ok, I'll leave you alone so you don't have to listen to my crap. (hence, I leave for a nice quiet night in a hotel, or go to movie - something by myself).

Him: I'm going to a hotel, I don't want to listen to your crap.
Me: No, I'll go the hotel, I don't want you DWI.
Him: Fine, good.

I check in the hotel, I have a text on my phone, "Come home, I'm sorry"
Me: Sorry, already checked in, will see you in the morning.
When i come home, RAH says he's sorry, he's "done" drinking.
Me: I accept your apology, I'm glad your "done". Good luck with that. I love you.

Him: I don't like it when you sleep in another room.
Me: Well, you know I've told you 100 times I don't like sleeping with you when you are drunk, you snore and you keep me up all night fidgeting around.
Him: I wasn't drinking!
Me: Listen, I'm not an idiot. I will respect your right to drink - but you know I don't like you when you drink, I don't like being around you at all, so you have to respect my right to do whatever I need to do to not be around you when you're drunk.
Him: OK, but I'm sorry, I'm "done" drinking.
Me: That's terrific, good luck with that. I love you!

Kinda sorta the same little dance, in one form or another. I'm glad for this thread, been seeing the term "quacking" alot, wondered what it meant. Do the conversations described constitute quacking? Thanks for "listening"

Portia123

OMG, Callie - are you sure you don't live in my house!!??
Great post, thanks!!!

wywriter

From tonight -- AH wakes up at 9:00 and cusses me out at the top of his voice for playing music on the other end of the house...which I'd asked him before he went to sleep if it would bother him, and he asked me to leave the bedroom door open so he could hear it better. He decides to stumble to the nearest liquor store for a refill before they close. I don't realize he's gone and the dog starts freaking out, I think she needs outside and take her out, so I'm on the front porch when he comes back.

AH: (sits on porch and grabs a beer from a 6-pack) Want one?
Me: No, thank you.
*five minutes pass in silence*
AH: I knew you wouldn't be quiet.
Me: I turned down the music, and changed it to a type that I could understand the words at a lower volume.
AH: I meant I knew I'd hear about it from you.
Me: I didn't say anything.
AH: You were going to.
Me: Good night, honey. (I head back inside)

45 minutes later -- after much crashing and banging and at least two face plants between the front door and my office, and discovering I've moved my pillows to my son's room (he's at his bio-dad's right now) -- comes in and kisses me on the head.

AH: Good night, I'm going to bed.
Me: Okay, good night.
AH: I'd really like you to come to bed.
Me: Would you?
AH: (snarling and at the top of his voice) Oh, don't start!
(back to sappy-sweet) I'd really like you to come to bed.
Me: No, I don't think so.
AH: (a number of top-of-voice expletives)
(sappy-sweet) Okay, you stay up as long as you want.
Me: I will, thank you.

This is the same person who seemed surprised to see me sleeping in my son's room last night too -- right after telling me he didn't know why any man would ever want me, and how he hoped I would just curl up and die so he didn't have to suffer my mouth anymore. Yes, he complains I talk to much even when I don't say a word all day -- I've done it just to see if the quack would be the same.

wywriter

THAT'S IT, you nailed it! My AH says the same thing (or variations thereof) all the time. When he's sober he goes out of his way to cook, clean, change diapers, and recently he knew I was getting more and more fed up with his drinking away all of the household finances and so he bought me a bunch of stuff I've been needing for a long time (I'm nearly legally blind and my glasses were so out-of-date that I was having difficulty driving, I was going to the Y for exercise classes three times a week with holes in my workout pants -- that meant I could only wear dark-colored underwear so no one could see them -- and so on). He always makes a huge deal out of how he puts everyone before himself, and how I should be so grateful to have such a great husband, and of course how cruel I am to wish to deny him "a beer" after a long hot day.

lem0nade

I'll add some from my AH.

The best one ever is: "I have to keep drinking because if I completely quit, that means that the alcohol won and I can't let the alcohol win."

"I just want to have a few drinks and relax." (I'm not sure in what world "relax" means "start sobbing about how miserable your life is".)

"I bought some vodka for you. Just in case you decide you want some." (In case *I* want some?! What???)

"I need to know that you're on my side here." (Said while slurring drunk... I still have no idea what "side" he was even talking about.)

"The only reason you keep me around is for money." (Said while unemployed.)

"You've already decided in your mind that I'm an alcoholic so everything that I say and do from now on, you're going to think is being said and done by an alcoholic." (Uh, well, yes. Because you're an alcoholic.)

"I'm not an alcoholic because real alcoholics get DUIs, go to jail, have restraining orders against them, and have been arrested. None of those things have happened to me." (And I'm thinking... they haven't happened YET. Doesn't make you any less of an alcoholic.)

"I only drink because I'm depressed. As soon as my depression gets cured, I won't need to drink anymore." (Nevermind that he's been on antidepressants for months now and refuses to go to a counselor.)

"I won't drink anymore after the baby arrives." (Baby is almost a year old and the drinking continues.)

"You don't understand how much I love you. You'll never understand or appreciate it." (Oh, I see.)

"You should get some good life insurance on me because I'm not going to live very long. I want you to have money to take care of the kids until your next husband comes along." (I just roll my eyes.)

"I think it's a good idea that you want to clip coupons for groceries. Every little thing we can do to save money is good." (Said as he's headed out the door to the liquor store.)

"I didn't lose my job because of alcohol. It's just a coincidence. I know I missed so many days because I was hungover or having withdrawls so I had to stay home sick. Then I lost my job. The two aren't connected at all." (Riiiiight...)

"I just need to go downstairs to check on one thing." (Which means go chug some more alcohol out of my sight.)

"I don't have any friends in my life. I have no one to talk to except you. You're my only friend. You can't leave me or else I'd have no one." (You have no friends because you drove them all out of your life with your behavior!)

BecomingMe

Getting ready to leave my place after he came for the usual nightly visit with our 3 yr old (and showing signs of drinking) we started arguing about something (it had been heating up for me b/c he had been snappish and short-tempered during the visit). I tried to stop it and said, pretty calmly I think, that "This isn't a good time to talk about this. You've been drinking and we can talk about it another time."

So he snaps and defensively says something like "I wish you could understand how hard it is for me everyday and today was a really bad day!"

Bad, because the paper work for his DUI hadn't been filed by the police so his court date was bumped. Yep, I am sooooo insensitive to his pain.

BecomingMe

Ooh, yes! I get this one all the time. Sometimes with an added flourish:
"If you leave me I will have no reason to live." At least that quack didn't get by me.

LivFree

I miss my vino, and my vino misses me. This was after 1.5 months of abstaining, and just before she decided to take up social drinking in moderation.

She loves using vino instead of wine, as if that would make it sound more esoteric or acceptable.

fedup3

"No ONE can help me, it's a disease."

"You were put here on earth (talking about me) to take care of me!" Doesn't that just say it all.

hwsm

"This has to do with me and is very difficult, especially when I am alone here at the house. I know I can do it because I have done it before, but it is a process and I am scared"

"I know very well that I have to stop completely. But I am also tired of fighting with you about the same thing. And I cannot tolerate the way you treat me when I disappoint you"

hwsm

"I will tell you what. I am sorry and take responsibility for my shortcoming in your eyes. I was truly working on that issue, and unfortunately, when I do get it all together, you will not be around to reap the additional benefit of that. I was giving it 100% whether you believe it or not"

"I spent the worst weekend of my life this weekend. I suffered alone, white knuckling it without alcohol to try and get a few 24 hours under my belt. To try and use the time to discover if I really wanted to make the scarficise to be with you. I despaired, going through all kinds of feelings. My feelings for you, my feelings about myself, my life. I ran the gamut of emotions. I know I am lost without you, and there will never be another to replace you"