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how do i deal?

Old 08-15-2007, 08:23 AM
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I agree with everything that has been said, but I know where you are. Im married to the love of my life. I struggle every single day with his anger. I havent gotten enough strength to let him go for good. I struggle with the fact that I will be in financial ruins because he will leave me and our kids high and dry. The only thing he can think about is what he is going through...to hell with everyone else.

I do find that screaming every profanity I know into my pillow seems to help reduce the rage that I feel toward him and what he has done.

He is probably lucky I dont keep the bat in the house anymore...because there have been times that I have thought about how good it would feel to beat him over the head with it.

I know...Im not a nice person. lol. I really truly cannot wait for the day that I know what the right thing to do is.
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Old 08-15-2007, 11:04 AM
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I know i know i know it's the alcholic talking/treating me this way, but how do i get over it? I recognize it, how do I quit being a complete uncontrollable bawling freak today? I'm devastated. I'm hurt.

I too am a uncontrollable bawling freak today. My A is sleeping off a drunk last night as he does each morning. We don't sleep together, when he does comes to bed, he falls into it fully clothed. The relationship has almost fallen completely apart. I have talked to him about his problem with drinking, and it works for a day and that night he's once again, walking up the street to the bar to get more beer. I'm devastated, I'm hurting, and I'm seeing the true man in there snoring. All of the talk of going camping, him building a fire for me, what a good life we could have, all of the excitement that he would bring into my life, was all just talk and perhaps his own wishes as well as my hope that things would actually turn out the way he had discribed them to me.
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Old 08-15-2007, 11:05 AM
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Same

I know i know i know it's the alcholic talking/treating me this way, but how do i get over it? I recognize it, how do I quit being a complete uncontrollable bawling freak today? I'm devastated. I'm hurt.

I too am a uncontrollable bawling freak today. My A is sleeping off a drunk last night as he does each morning. We don't sleep together, when he does comes to bed, he falls into it fully clothed. The relationship has almost fallen completely apart. I have talked to him about his problem with drinking, and it works for a day and that night he's once again, walking up the street to the bar to get more beer. I'm devastated, I'm hurting, and I'm seeing the true man in there snoring. All of the talk of going camping, him building a fire for me, what a good life we could have, all of the excitement that he would bring into my life, was all just talk and perhaps his own wishes as well as my hope that things would actually turn out the way he had discribed them to me.
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Old 08-15-2007, 11:05 AM
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Sorry about the double post, but the thread told me that I wasn't signed in.
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Old 08-15-2007, 11:46 AM
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I made a decision to drink several years ago while married. I had been sober for three years and one day decided to drink. One drink began a five week binge and a three week hospital stay; I was one of those drunks who saw things and acted like a blender among other things. At some point during the pain, I knew I was full; full of booze, full of pain, full of not living again. This happened rather quickly after spending quite some time on my knees in my hospital room. My Wife choose to allow me to stay in the marriage and loved me inspite of my insane desire to destroy myself and those around us and I am more than grateful she made that decision. As a drunk, I was a criminal and a bum and I would be a drunk today if I had not realized that I needed to be full.

I needed something I could hold on to. As an active alcoholic for over 30 years, I needed more than meetings and sponsors and steps. I needed a new life. In order to get this new life, I had to realize, on my own that I had drank all of the booze I would ever need; I was full. I needed desperately something larger and more durable than any man or woman, who would hold me in the palm of their mighty hand and love me through anything. All I had to do was ask that larger and more durable being for help and listen for the instructions. I did and I live to tell about it today.

Recovering people occaisonally like to give advise... forgive me but I will not. Your decisions and the outcomes are yours. Several good women over the years did not stick with me because of their considered feelings regarding who, what, why and how I was living my life. I in no way blame them; I was not ready to live like others. Today, at 50, I have been married for the first time for six years and I would not trade this special love for anything. This is just another product of that new life I spoke of before.

I get off by myself and get down to a private place so I can get on my knees. Regardless of my place in the scheme of life, I always get on my knees to talk to a god of my understanding. By the way, I don't have to be the right person, the wrong person... if I have difficulties, I go to someone who has the answers, if I am willing to simply listen. This is not ******, sorry, but it works for me.

I will say this in close, when difficulties are pitting me against anything, I pray, listen and go on with head held high. Take care in all.
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Old 08-15-2007, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by RufusACanal View Post
Several good women over the years did not stick with me because of their considered feelings regarding who, what, why and how I was living my life.
Did any of them have feelings considering how they were living their OWN life? I've said it before - I didn't make a change because someone was alcoholic; I made it because I was not happy with MY life.
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Old 08-15-2007, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by denny57 View Post
Did any of them have feelings considering how they were living their OWN life? I've said it before - I didn't make a change because someone was alcoholic; I made it because I was not happy with MY life.

You would obviously have to ask them... I was the perpetrator not the victim.
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Old 08-18-2007, 09:59 AM
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CDK

I can relate to your situation in the fact that my AH is also a police officer who will not get the professional assistance he needs. He is too macho to admit he cannot do it himself. He has admitted he will never go to AA. He too has seen the "real alcoholics" living under bridges and at the homeless shelters and he is of course not one of them. I dont mean to be so pessimistic but I dont hold out much hope that he will succeed in sobriety. During 13 years of marriage he has abstained for only 4 months. At this moment he is on day 18 of sobriety.
Remember that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Attend AlAnon and take one day at a time.
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Old 08-20-2007, 10:46 PM
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Hello again, cdk1972: How are you doing now? I don't see posts for the past few days; I hope that is a good thing?

I am a recovering codependent AND alcoholic/drug addict. Double trouble. The pain you feel will not kill you. Remember that. Also remember that the other person does not cause your pain; it comes from within you. That means you have some control over it, to a point. The feelings you have are painful because for so many years you have used a system to manage emotional feelings that your family taught you to put in a compartment, close the door and ignore or feel that if it is there it is bad. Not so much a "their fault" thing here, just that "it is what it is". You have to live through the pain, not use your old (unhealthy) ways to push it aside.

For starters, you can learn that you derive self worth from what others think about you, and you do things to get people to "love" (albeit a distorted definition) you. In a way you buy their love, but the price is very high. You compromise self worth at the expense of them responding in a way that you feel is positive. If you fail to have the relationship, regardless of how miserable it is in many ways, you feel intense shame about yourself as a failure, and the bad or imperfect image of yourself rears its ugly head.

Once you get to a point where you can accept some basic thinking changes that Ms. Beattie (and some other authors by the way) can tell you about, you will tolerate the painful feelings you have during times like this and you will see that "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". And out the other side you go, healthier and you will slowly learn to love yourself for who YOU are, not for who others think you are.
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Old 08-21-2007, 04:12 AM
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"he will do whatever he wants WHENEVER he wants"

I have heard this from every single friend my ABF has. I'm so tired of hearing it. And I'm tired of knowing that it's true. Even worse my ABF says:

"When someone tells me not to do something, it makes me want to do it more."

Maybe I should tell him to drink more, kill himself, sleep with every woman he meets, spend all his money, etc.
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Old 08-21-2007, 12:28 PM
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I am sorry for the delay in responses. I have to be honest with you all, even though i am not being honest with my friends and family- and probably myself. He called, told me to come over, let's talk, blablabla. I did. I knew inside i would cave, and i did. I'm just as weak as he is. He was very nice to me that night-of course, never apologizing, but just being nice. And yes, having several drinks. But then he started distancing himself from me, and then yesterday he invited me to coffee,....what? Since when do we go to coffee? So i said, just tell me what you're going to say. He told me that he will not tolerate me telling him what to do, and WEIRD-that the more i tell him, the more he wants to do it-and that it angers him so much he feels like he wants to lose control and that i should be glad i wasn't in the room with him when he read my e-mail (which is the e-mail that started this whole thing in the first place.) I guess i knew it was coming. I cried all night. Went grocery shopping today and had to repeatedly say to myself as i walked down the aisles, "Keep it together, keep it together....etc." i feel like i'm going through the motions because if i pause, i will break apart. I am sad for the loss of this relationship. I am sad for the loss of what i thought our future could be. I am sad for the hope i invested. I know he will probably not be successful-ever- in sobriety. His mind is too made up. I keep every single one of your words in my head, though. Constantly. I keep telling myself to feel this, and get through it. i keep telling myself that i have to detach and take care of myself. I can't thank all of you enough for your support. I just have so many questions. i'm so confused. i'm so lost and hurt and messed up in my head. I even reverted back to bad thoughts last night i used to have when i was younger (oh yea, to add to the trainwreck i already am, i suffer from clinical depression...i'm a class act, aren't I?) about me not even wanting to be here at all. Keep writing and i will keep being honest with you all. Because i can't tell my friends and family what i post here. so again...thank you. And here's a funny story to add a light hearted note-i'm a teacher and coach - today during volleyball practice i walked around all morning with a pair of underwear inside my pantleg-they had clung to the inside of my sweatpants in the drier. nice. i'm falling apart.
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Old 08-21-2007, 12:31 PM
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Oh, i forgot to add that when he dropped me off yesterday, he told me, don't give up on me just yet, i just have some thinking to do, and i'll get back to you. He also told me when i was crying, that i feel sorry for myself and just cry to get attention from him. that i'm a big girl, and if i can't handle what he does or says to me, then it's my problem. I guess he's right, but he takes absolutely NO ownership in anything. Is that part of his disease? Why is it always on his terms? I just hopped out of the truck without saying a word.
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Old 08-21-2007, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by cdk1972 View Post
He also told me when i was crying, that i feel sorry for myself and just cry to get attention from him. that i'm a big girl, and if i can't handle what he does or says to me, then it's my problem.
((((((CDK))))))))

My workaholic STBXH told me similar things. With time and a lot of help from books like Co-dep No More, I was able to identify my tears with the frustration of being unable to control STBXH's behaviour. Your BF could change what he does and says but he chooses not to because he really only cares about himself. And that is what I know about my XABF.

Please start caring more for yourself!

More hugs!

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Old 08-21-2007, 01:36 PM
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Hi CDK im so sorry your hurting so badly, always remember you did nothing wrong. You have tried and tried. My xab got so used to me forgiving him and going back, and each time i did he got worse. He used to call the shots too by the end, and it was this "dont nag or tell me what to do" attitude that brought me back to earth, so when i did detach from his drinking and mentioned nothing that i began to feel better and he just carried on with his life.

and the "dont give up on me yet" comment is to keep you dangling on. Call his bluff sweetie your worth more than that, is he worth dangling on for??? My jeckyll and hyde is bossy and is used to getting his own way with everything and everybody he is a law onto himself.

Use this time to get stronger and you will i promise you you will see through his manipulation,, he is wanting his drink and you, and he will try his darndest to get both.

Reading posts here helped me a lot you will hear stories that are a replica to yours, we are all dealing with alcoholics, and we all learn from each other.

Mair x
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Old 08-21-2007, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by cdk1972 View Post
He also told me when i was crying, that i feel sorry for myself and just cry to get attention from him. that i'm a big girl, and if i can't handle what he does or says to me, then it's my problem. I guess he's right,
No, he's not.

A great book is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it.

((()))
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Old 08-21-2007, 06:27 PM
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He's just so cold and unapologetic. And angry. and I know it shouldn't get to me, i know its his problem, but it does get to me. I guess its that control thing of mine, but i feel so guilty. What is this hold he has on me? Any normal person would never take this kind of treatment.
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Old 08-21-2007, 08:15 PM
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(((cdk))) hang in there - i have felt very low over the past few months too...read all of the books the wise people here recommend and focus on you - you will start to feel better - it is gradual, but it does happen...
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Old 08-21-2007, 09:11 PM
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Thank you so much. I'm trying, i really am. I've been reading like crazy, and do get a sense of empowerment-if only for a little while.I feel like such a trainwreck.i feel so used. and gypped. and so many other things. i don't know where to place my feelings. I am very low right now. In Cdepend no more it talks about detaching and letting go, and if you do your part, then your "higher power" will intervene and do theirs. I get the concept, but am still not sure how to truly detach. And i'm in an angry stage today, i've realized. I keep saying to myself, "F that. F this". which is not really like me. Then i break and become really low...and can't stop thinking about the things he said. it is magical how he would throw things in there to catch me/reel me in-"You are trying to make this all about you and how bad i'm making you feel bla bla bla" and then two seconds later, "don't give up on me, Kara". It was maddening. I seriously felt like i was going crazy! I still do!
(by the way....I love your picture-its comforting in a weird way...where did you get it?)
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Old 08-22-2007, 08:06 AM
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((CDK)) - i actually got the picture here - someone put it in one of my posts. it is animated - the stars twinkle....i felt the same way about it which is why i saved it...i think for me it symbolizes hope and the whole world of possibilities. i believe you can copy and save it if you like...

the detachment is tough and XAF's words still rattle around in my head more than i would like them to. i had to eventually go the no contact route, for ME. so i could focus on myself and my feelings without being influenced by his drunken rants or manipulations....i do know now that is what they are/were...but i still catch myself wondering if what he was saying is true...but it's not, it is just QUACKING...reminding myself of that has also helped. listening to music (not sappy stuff!!!) usually helped too....there are some good break up songs out there! there was a thread with all of those songs on it not too long ago - you might want to search for it...hope today finds you feeling a little better - feel free to PM me any time if you want to chat...(())
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Old 08-25-2007, 02:16 PM
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Just checking in with everyone and hoping you all are hanging in there. i am getting by day to day, as you all are.Still sad. Getting angry. Still missing what I thought was. Haven't heard anything, but know i will eventually from him, and I am practicing in my mind how to say NO. I just hope i have the strength to do it, and not be sucked in by him....God bless everyone!
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