cdk1972

I'm new to this. But I need support/advice...something. I am in my mid thirties. I am not naive about alcoholism. Unfortunately, i met and fell in love with an alcoholic. Also unfortunately, he is drinking again after having about 5 weeks of sober lucidity, admitting he had a problem, wanting to stop etc. He has now started again, is defensive about it, trying to convince me and himself he is in control. I don't want to live my life like this. I cannot talk to him about his alcoholism for obvious reasons (defensive, says i'm trying to control his life, it's not my business, etc.) I know that whatever I say will or do will never, ever change him. It will not make him stop. That is up to him. But it hurts me that alcohol will always be ahead of me. I know the disease. At the same time, i 'm not ready to leave. I'm not sure what is stopping me. He has an answer/counter for anything i say to him. It's always my fault. My problem, not his. And i constantly feel guilty. But i realize i'm also losing myself. He is a cop, and co workers have warned him about his drinking. He never, ever uses at work, though and is smart enough to never do that. But they still know about it. And he is becoming more and more hostile to their "constant nagging".
How do i deal with this? Is my only option to walk away? I do not want to live with an alcoholic, but I DO want to live with HIM. I am beginning to think that there is no bottom for him. He has admitted to me (while drunk) that drinking is his escape. He has admitted to me that it conceals the pain of his previous divorce, all the **** he goes through with his line of work, etc. But he also says that counseling is useless. He will never go. I think it also has to do with his macho-ness as a police officer. I am at a loss. I feel depressed all the time. I feel like i cannot bring anything up for fear of a confrontation. Am I just resigned to this unless i leave?
thank you for letting me vent. Any responses will be well-received.
Thank you.

ARealLady

CDK:

Welcome to SR!

You will find many, many people here who fell in love with men/women who are As. Some of us found it easy to leave the relationship because we hadn't hitched our wagon to their star. Others married their A, mingled lives and finances and had children together....read those stories on these boards and you will discover just how difficult it is to walk away. And you want to walk away when you know that nothing you do is going to stop your A from drinking. That decision is the A's and only the A's. So yes, if you stay with your A you are resigning yourself to what you are experiencing right now....unless, HE decides to get help.

As don't like getting the "lecture" as XABF referred to it and you get exhausted, as I am sure you realize, just thinking about telling them one more time to stop. You don't make your A drink, his divorce didn't make him drink (but that is probably why he is divorced) and his job doesn't either. Those are HIS excuses for drinking and until he comes to terms with who HE is by seriously working a programme he isn't going to stay sober for long.

Think about it. What kind of life could you and he have together if you "feel depressed all the time... .feel like i cannot bring anything up for fear of a confrontation"? That's not a healthy start for happy ever after.

My advice? Get out and get out fast!

ARL

fuster

1. Your partner is not over his ex-wife, that is obvious from what little you shared about his personal therapy for getting over her. He is not there and all the alcohol in the world will not help him in that regard.

2. Based on the foregoing, your partner/husband is hopelessly confused about his own problems and where they come from. A hallmark characteristic of alcoholism is blaming other people, places and things for one's own misfortunes and uncomfortable feelings (which for an alcoholic is basically ANY feelings other than intoxication).

3. No one, not you or anyone, can help him get better. Until he chooses to admit he has a problem + desire to ask for and get help to get better, he will only get worse; alcoholism is a progressive disease, eventually fatal if given enough time and high level of abuse.

4. Your question you have to answer is: Am I doing everything I can to take care of myself? That means: a) letting go of the other person and his problems; b) realizing you have no control over other people in your life; and c) understanding that the best thing you can do for a loved one with alcoholism is to detach from them (which probably in your case means either kicking him out until he gets out of treatment, or you moving out under the same conditions for him).

denny57

Welcome, cdk, glad you're here!

The two cannot, unfortunately, be separated. I stayed a very long time thinking they could. I know now I was in love with potential, the man I thought he could be. Eighteen years later the marriage is ending in divorce; in truth, it should have ended 15 years ago.

Keep reading and posting!

cdk1972

Wow. It's interesting that I KNOW this, yet reading it from others makes it sink in. I read areallady's response and started bawling (don't mistake, i APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY SO MUCH). Why is this so hard? I know that I have to get out , but I don't even know the first step. We don't fight about this: it has been brought up three times in a year, but those times were NOT GOOD. I have been quiet. Sitting by as it has eaten away at me. It is now beginning to destroy me. Breaking up with him right now would honestly be a slap in his face. I'm sure he thinks things are fine right now. I am so scared to walk away, but i know it's the right thing to do. I'm scared I won't get through it...i'm scared of entering the world of being single, and confronting heartache. I'm scared i'm scared i'm scared. I love his daughter. His family. What is going to happen? Thank you everyone for replying.

ARealLady

"Breaking up with him right now would honestly be a slap in his face. I'm sure he thinks things are fine right now."

(((((((cdk))))))) Keep reading and learning. Breaking up with him might be the slap he needs....but then again, you won't know until you take that step. There are no guarantees. It takes courage to take that step and, yes, there may be some bad fall-out. XABF made some very dirty threats towards me. Your A thinks everything is fine because you aren't in lecture mode right now and he has seen no action from you. To be honest, he probably doesn't give much head space to your relationship.

Have you read "Co-dependency No More" and "Beyond Co-dependency" by Melody Beattie? She chooses alcohol addiction to present co-dependent behaviour from both sides of the coin. In the second volume she explains WHY As are bad relationship material without a year of sobriety behind them. Very enlightening.

We're here for you.

ARL

cdk1972

My other question is this: Do I explain my reasons to leave? He won't accept them or listen to them. He will be in denial and I know that somehow he will, in his mind make it my fault. He will not take responsibility for it, i know he won't. So is it a moot point to try and explain why? And if no explanation, how do i do it?! And why am i feeling not ready?

ICU

Welcome to SR CDK!

How long was he married and how long ago was the divorce final? Do you know if it's really final?

Alcohol issues are more than enough to deal with. But if he's struggling emotionally with the divorce on top of that, then where are you on his list? Third? Fourth? Ask yourself if that's enough for you!

I learned to ask myself, why I was willing to settle for soooo little. That in itself led me to months and months of soul searching...but that's where the key was!

Things that helped me 'get ready' to make my decision was some Alanon reading material (meetings in my area are VERY limited), counseling, and reading codependency books by Melody Beattie. I only found this place (SR) several months 'after' I left him and it has been a very instrumental piece of my recovery as well. Wish to God I had found it sooner though!

Keep coming back!

AWEDA

cdk,
I am so sorry you are going through this.I feel your pain, it is so hard to get out of a relationship with an addict. If I had my life to live over.......... The pain I see in my children's eyes when they see their friends with their Fathers is heartbreaking. I am sorry to say things probably will not get better, they will get worse. It took me 24 years to realize this. He does not live in our home anymore as I have a PFA against him,he never hit us but the terror we felt while he was drinking was very real. He lives in yet another half way house (this is after jail losing his job trips to the mental hospital, he lost everything but still blames me for all of it. Please get out while you can,I am 40 years old and believe I can start over someday with a man who will love myself and my children because we deserve happiness. The knowledge I have learned on these threads has helped me tremendously please keep posting and God Bless.

hbb

((((CDK)))) (((((AWEDA))))) I'm thinking of you both. CDK, it is hard, my exabf left me about a month ago and i know it's hard and i'm sad but he has sooooooo many problems and is a 33 year old that has been drinking since he was 17. They have a long road ahead of them and you don't want to be dragged down with them.

ARealLady

"So is it a moot point to try and explain why?"

Yes, in my experience and from what I have read both here and elsewhere. He will make it your fault. But, don't worry about what he thinks about YOUR life and remember that he reasons through his addiction. Of course, his reasoning is distorted.

"And why am i feeling not ready?"

Work on yourself for now. Read some of the material that has been suggested. Start attending AlAnon. Set some boundaries to protect yourself. Gain strength through understanding. You'll know when you are ready.

((ck))

ARL

parentrecovers

alanon! try some alanon meetings, and keep posting! blessings, k

suzieq1972

Welcome to SR!!!

There are some very helpful things on here. So many people have gone through the same thing and have made it to the other side. One day I want to be on the other side too.

Just like you my AH is (actually was) a cop. I didn't ever think he would resort to drinking at work and the day before he had to resign due to his drinking and drugging, the assistant chief (who is a very good family friend) came by and told me that my husband had been drinking at work. I didn't believe him at all and of course my husband denied it. Now, I believe it. You learn that as long as they are using you really can't trust anything they say. In fact, my AH even lied to me while he was in rehab. He told me he didn't start taking drugs until after his back surgery in Oct 2006. Come to find out, he actually started using in 2004 after his car wreck at work. SO, if he says he's not drinking at work and he would NEVER do that...I would take it with a huge grain of salt. I'm only saying this from my experience...unfortunately.

I hope you find what you're looking for here and in life.

Loreena

Remember that you can never change another person, remember that alcohol is very powerful and we never win, it wins as long as the alcoholic continues to drink and in many cases - that is so. Remember that you have the power to change yourself, your thoughts, desires, heck, anything you want about you and who you want to be and what you are willing to put up with in your life..My AH had 10 years of sobriety and then drank - I never knew him when he drank, it was/is like a living hell on earth for me since he began drinking again. I chose to take him back, biggest mistake of my life, I choose now to leave him and am making plans, big plans for me, myself and I and am very happily doing so. It took a long time to get here though, too many years of my life wasted on trying to change someone else. You are not niave about alcohol, don't say that, read here, read on and on, everyone here has felt the devastation of this awful disease. We are here for you and can identify with what you are going through like no one else on earth could

..God bless you and big hugs.....L

St_Kurt

I've watched my parents deal with what you and your husband are dealing with most of my life. And of course, there's been my own involvement in my family's alcoholism.

Based on my experience, you have two options:

You can do what my father does: Live in a personal fantasy dream world denying the reality and pretending that you married the person you think you married (someone who in reality probably never existed).*

You can do what I do: Get out as quickly as possible and set strong boundaries in the areas of your lives that still intersect.

The results I've seen so far:

My father seems blissfully happy most of the time despite the fact that is wife spends most of her time comatose on pills and alcohol. He watches television and eats a lot for comfort. Every so often reality rears it's ugly head, he can't cope and he starts smashing things in an out of control rage.

I'm independent and have my own home. It's quiet and comfortable. I don't have to deal with their lies and manipulations unless I want to (and I usually don't). When I do need to talk to them, their sickness stands out in stark contrast to the life I've created for myself.

My parents have tried recovery several times in the last four or five years. One of my boundaries is that if I see them working at it, I'll participate in the process of healing the family. When they aren't - I walk away. It becomes easier and easier to walk away each time, even when the results are uncertain. The last relapse, I was working in a strange town where I knew no one and I was supposed to live at my parents' house for the summer. As long as they were in recovery, I agreed. When I discovered they weren't, I packed my car and left immediately. I knew no one, had nowhere to go and since I wanted to keep my clinic externship (I'm in vet. medical school) I ended up having to rely on hotels, campsites, and homeless shelters for a place to stay. I wasn't worried or scared. Anything is a step up from living with them when they are sick.

I wish you both luck. From watching what my parents have gone through, I know it can't be easy.

~SK

* I just re-read this and I wanted to make sure it was understood that I am only referring to my father here and not to anyone else in this thread. It's a way of dealing with it (not a good one), but if you're on this board, you're probably not using this tactic. Cheers!

cdk1972

I know what I have to do, but it's so hard. I am completely co-dependent and feelings like, "How can I leave him alone?" keep swimming through my head. I know how stupid that sounds, believe me. ICU-His divorce was 6 years ago. It's not his divorce as much as his daughter living with mom in another state. He sees her often, but obviously not often enough, and he gets very depressed about that. Honesly, I wish he WOULD use at work and get in trouble. There never seems to be a consequence. He can get away with it, though, because he works nights, so comes home, has his whiskey, and sleeps all the next day and can go to work sober. Works out perfectly for him, right?He was so lucid and logic when he quit a few weeks ago. I don't understand what happened? So....does he KNOW somewhere in his head he has a problem? Was everything that he said what he truly believed? What happened to all that logic? Does he TRULY believe right now that he is okay with being an alcoholic or is he completely blindsided by it? I just want to know where the REAL him is?

LisaWayne

That is the REAL him. What we know about ourselves and alcohol is not usually enough to stop us A's from drinking. I knew I was an alcoholic from a very young age (15).. but I was not able to stop drinking until the age of 33. I thank God I did not have children while I was drinking... I could talk about it logically and agree with anyone who wanted to tell me that I had a problem. I could talk about it for hours and hours, usually while drunk. And I could moan about it for hours and hours over the toilet the next day... it wasnt enough to make me stop. I tried countless times and failed. The only thing I found that worked for me was AA. Until I was willing to go in and sit on my hands and listen, nothing worked. What is said about alcohol being cunning and baffeling is true and it is by all means POWERFULL!! The person you are talking about, is an alcoholic. The talking, the logic, the inability to deal with emotions without a crutch.. it's all a part of the package. Unless you have alcoholic tendencies yourself, it's hard to grasp, understand, that even when an alcoholic knows there is a problem and wants to stop.. usually, without help, its too hard. I cant tell you how many times I swore off alcohol only to be half way through drink #2 when I "woke up" and was "surprised" and upset to find myself with a drink in my hand again. That's that stange mental blank spot spoken about at meetings.

GiveLove

I'm afraid too that it's the REAL him you're looking at. But you have to start taking baby steps to move closer to a happy life for yourself, cdk. Have you picked up a copy of the book "Codependent No More" yet? Have you read it? There are a lot of things in that book that were very, very helpful to me in recognizing what I had to do ---- and it wasn't "run away as fast as you can" (though sometimes that is good advice)

I wasn't capable of doing that all at once. So I separated slowly, first by separating my finances, then by developing my own social support network of friends/school/work/naranon, then through talking with a counselor about what kind of life I REALLY wanted to have, and only then considering the idea of leaving.

Even then, I did that slowly. We spent more and more time apart, I started renting an apartment somewhere else but still seeing him, explaining that I couldn't live with the drinking any more. Eventually it became clear to me that I wanted someone LIKE him, minus the alcoholism and drugs. And then & only then did I broach breaking up.

Nothing has to happen fast. Take it as slowly as you need to -- but take some action for yourself. You cannot control his drinking. You can only decide whether you want to live in close proximity to it.

Hugs,
GL

sunshine321

Read Getting Them Sober (order on the internet). It's really helped me to gain some strength. I think cops are hard personalities to begin with (authority figures) but an alcoholic/addict cop must be impossible to deal with. I know it's hard because I live with an active alcoholic too. At least you don't have kids with him yet. It makes it that much harder to leave when you have a baby with them. Take your time and build up your self-esteem and your strength. That's where I'm at now. Taking care of me. The book says that by enabling him, you are only helping him stay sick. You can't make him get help and you can't make him feel guilty for drinking again. He already feels like that anyway. It's not making him do anything about it. Attend Al-Anon meetings. As soon as possible. They will give you the face to face support you need. And this board is great for support.

Jenny

lillamy

(((cdk)))

I started quoting things from your post and ended up quoting pretty much the whole thing. You're not alone. There's so many of us dealing with similar situations.

I can relate to this more than you know. Al-Anon. That's the best I can do. Just being surrounded by other people to whom you're not weird or strange, people who are dealing with the same issues, people who understand and love you -- that's a very healing experience.