So down and sad.

Old 08-28-2007, 05:08 PM
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So down and sad.

I am at my wits end (miserable but trudging on – just) so just had to post….

I have been back and forwards to my A 3 or 4 times. He always left me to ‘party’ and would come back weeks or months later when life wasn’t so good and it hadn’t turned out the way he wanted. We have been married 5 years, together 9, but living separately for more than a year.

4 months ago he walked out again. He then proceeded to try and sleep around as much as he could. He had a complete meltdown with everything and finally got some help for his gambling (not his drinking though) as it was that or bankruptcy. Through that (he had the kids at the pub with him drinking and gambling all day and that’s what caused the ‘bottom’ for the gambling) he turned to me every day until the gambling counsellor could see him.

He was sending (as he’s done all along) text messages daily with how much he loved me, saying good morning ‘wife’, how much he missed ‘us’ etc. He put all our photos back on the fridge, stuck on the wall, on the mantelpiece, told me he kissed them before going to bed every night, blah, blah, blah.

Then he met and slept with a 22 year old (who looks 18, he is 42) one weekend. Within a day and a half a blown up picture of a closeup of their two faces cheek to cheek was on the mantelpiece smack bang in the middle of all our pictures. He told me all about what he’d done in bed with her (always wanted to tell me about all his conquests and their age as he has a thing about younger girls – his aim was always to get an 18 year old) – yuck. I was around dropping off something when I saw it.

I asked him what he was going to tell his children about the picture and he said he’d say she was a friend and they’d had a few drinks, got the camera out and had some fun, and that it was no problem and he had nothing to hide.

He also said he truly loved me, but I’d made it clear I wouldn’t sleep with him (he’d tried to physically get me into bed quite a few times since leaving the third time and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t), and she was just a distraction. Said he’d never love her but she was ‘fun’ and she was nice to be with and if he could get some regular sex that would be great. She is a uni student in a city a few hours down the road, so he can only see her now and then – perfect – sex when he wants, do what he wants other times. All this was 6 weeks ago.

I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him and threatened other action. Did not hear from him for 6 weeks. On the weekend there was a musical performance with a lot of our friends in it (we are in local theatre), and if they weren’t in it they were in the audience. An audience of 900 or so people, and the entire theatre community in our town.

He turned up with his 3 children (12, 14, 16 and I miss them) and the 22 year old. I felt so humiliated. My friend said she’s his daughter’s friend surely, she’s a teenager!!! I said ‘No, apparently she’s 22’.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I hate that he did this in front of all our friends and with his children. He looked good – haircut, hair dyed. He’s going to gambling counselling so is doing better there. Still drinking though of course. He had debts to pay off big time, but will inherit about 750,000 from his parents when they go so is not worried. He has the 22 year old trophy, he has his children etc etc. I have no money (he cleaned us out with gambling) and I was the one who went into the relationship with quite a bit – he had none. I have no children (gave up having them to be with him), can’t afford a house, am lonely and miserable. I have been doing everything I can to be positive but I just feel like it’s all so not worth it. I hate him. The abuse I let myself endure for years has led me here, and still he comes out on top (or so it appears). What a waste of nearly 10 years of my life. It makes my skin crawl to think I ever let him touch me and put up with his weird sexual things and abuse over the years.

Just so sad.
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Old 08-28-2007, 05:17 PM
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After reading this I have to ask whether you want to stay married and, if not, when are you going to do something about it. If you have no children in the equation, why do you put yourself thru further pain if you are separated?

Have you gone to AlAnon or gotten any individual therapy? It may help you clarify what you want for the rest of your life.
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Old 08-28-2007, 05:25 PM
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hi- i can really relate to this. of course, not exactly... but what torture. i am so sorry. my husband of 10 yrs also left/kinda came back, acted like he wanted to come back-- then he met someone 22 yrs younger-- we don't have kids, so i am spared that torture. but for me anyway, i feel unnecessary, replacable with the better, younger version-- i think this can really be painful for women- to know that what you thought was special was not good enough- it feels like the second he was sure could get a better, younger version, that was the second i was thrown away. it was no problem for him, after 10 yrs, and crying just months before about how i was the most important thing in his life, and he didn't know what he'd do without me. i wasn't expecting the dumping, and it sure makes you not trust anything-- now i am dealing with major confidence issues- i feel like the only reason anyone would like me-- IF anyone will ever like me again-- is if they couldn't get anyone better and younger-- that i am one to settle for, not to cherish. it's an awful feeling. i am sorry you are experiencing it. the sooner you can break ties and start doing things that have nothing to do with him, the better-- this is hard and takes time, but the more steps you can take to get away from feeling badly about yourself, the better-- in time, i hope to reclaim my sense of self-- good luck.
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Old 08-28-2007, 05:37 PM
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I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

You cannot go back and change what happened between you, but can you pound a stake into the ground and change your course right now? Why not divorce him, sever contact with him as much as humanly possible, and head in the direction of your own dreams, leaving him to live his creepy life while you get on with building your joyful one ?

Could Australian divorce laws work in your favor? Here in the States, in many places, you are entitled to 50% of everything he has if you divorce. That might go a long way toward starting to rebuild your own life without hair dye, sex games, gambling, viagra (soon) and his typical alcoholic attitudes toward relationships. Forgive me for saying so, but I don't see that there's anything there that you would want...why not cut all ties and step away from this yuckiness once and for all?

I will be hoping & praying that you find your way out of this mess you didn't create, and on to a life that really makes you proud and happy.

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Old 08-28-2007, 05:44 PM
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I'm sorry to hear this. Have you seen a lawyer? You do not have to be without anything.

Take care and keep posting.
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Old 08-28-2007, 06:09 PM
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I am sorry, I must be missing the point. How is he possibly coming up on top in your mind? He is obviously one sick monkey. His goal is to score with an 18 year old? He is not concerned about the money because he is counting on his parents to die? He tells you about his sexual escapades in bed and spends quality time with children at the pub? Wow!! Yes, he's definitely got it going for him.

Come on. It's time for re-evaluation. What's going on with you that makes you feel like a loser? If what you see is not a definition of a diseased mind, I don't know what is. You have to want more out of life that this pitiful, ill creature. Leave him in his muck and show yourself some respect. ((()))
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Old 08-28-2007, 07:00 PM
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Honey, he's not as happy as you think. He still has his addiction and as long as he does, sugar coating things by dying his hair and looking good on the outside, won't ever cover up how truly miserable he is inside.

It sounds like he is immature and trying to party his way to happiness.

You're in a much better place than he is. That's something to be thankful for.
You won't be lonely forever either. That's just a phase we go through for a short time.

Keep your chin up and keep doing what is right and good for YOU. You won't regret it down the road.
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Old 08-28-2007, 07:18 PM
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Hey everyone, thank you, thank you. Just needed to hear some others views and get it out.

I have an appointment with a lawyer to sort the divorce (paperwork and filing) out next week.

Our financial settlement was done when he first moved out over a year ago (he needed the money but there wasn't much to be had). The day after he said he wanted 'out' the house was on the market, it sold within a week, and 30 days later I was moving out (he wanted it all NOW).

My solicitor at the time said he was entitled to absolutely nothing as he had gambled mega thousands of dollars over our years, I had come in with money and he'd had none, my mum had given us many thousands and bought both our cars because the money all went. At the end there was not much to be had as it had all been wasted so it was kind of moot. He had to get 10,000 from his parents to cover the debts on credit cards I didn't know about, and still had lots of debt remaining. He probably could have taken me to court as I'm sure even though I didn't know about all the debts I was probably responsible for them too legally, but my family (my brother in particular) went ballistic and said if you want to go to court let's go and you won't know what's hit you and my AH backed down and took what he could get then as he needed it straight away. Took the good car and more than half the furntiture too.

We have been back together twice since then.... first time we went to joint counselling - only lasted 3 weeks. Second time he went to therapy alone and it lasted 5 months before he threw it in. That time as he was leaving he said he just needed time to think about whether or not he wanted to 'give me the flick'. I told him not to bother thinking, just be gone for good. Of course since then he has tried to get me into bed and been told to get away.

I have been seeing a fantastic counsellor for the last 6 months or so. Just got back from an hour with her, and have another hour tomorrow. I have severed all contact several times and been drawn back in with threats of self harm from him, and how he can't live without me etc etc. This time I think he's too preoccupied, but if he comes back or contacts me in any way every again he will be given very short shift. I can't bear to look at him let alone fathom talking to him. He is truly a creep. And, as my counsellor said has other issues underlying the addictions such as being a sociopath, a dominator and a complete con man. I just hate that I ever got sucked in with his charm at the beginning, I cannot believe I was ever so stupid, and the anger I feel towards myself is incredible.

I have made moves to get on with my life.... therapy, reading quotes, journalling, going out with friends, trying to save some money, keeping in touch with my family, joining new groups, getting back into my old hobbies.... this latest episode just threw me all for a loop for some reason and set me way back.

The children are his from his first marriage and I feel he is being such a poor role model for them, but not much I can do about it, that is up to their mother. I miss them though.

Thank you all again - you have no idea how much it has helped me just to hear plain speak from others who have been there. xx
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Old 08-28-2007, 07:34 PM
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I'm glad you checked back in, golden. Taking positive action always lifts me up.
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Old 08-29-2007, 06:08 AM
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Sure does Denny. I am feeling much better after my visit to my therapist....more things to work on in my next session, and I'm looking forward to it. Getting to the bottom of some of this stuff (why I feel like I do and have let these things happen to me) is hard work but so worthwhile.
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by goldenleaves View Post
Getting to the bottom of some of this stuff (why I feel like I do and have let these things happen to me) is hard work but so worthwhile.
It certainly is both hard work AND worthwhile. Good for you goldenleaves.
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Old 08-29-2007, 01:16 PM
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He sounds like a super A...hole. I would document the children in the pub, document as much of his addiction related stuff as possible. Gove the kids a camera and let them take nice photos with their dad at the pub. Nice influence on children.

Had the displeasure to enter a conversation with some grown men one of which was upset with his girlfriend. Seems while on the bed asleep he managed to shoot a significant amount of urine into her pocketbook. She was not happy about it. He spoke like it is completely normal to pee while u sleep.

Alcoholism can really cause a lot of demented sh....t. I was happy to excuse myself and walk away from those guys.
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Old 08-29-2007, 01:42 PM
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goldenleaves, I am also glad you check in. You sound much better in your attitude. It is our own attitude many time that make or break how our lives, our days will be.

Doing good girl.
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