fuster

I'll second the reading recommendations by ARealLady: "Co-dependency No More" and "Beyond Co-dependency" by Melody Beattie. Also check out her daily devotional book "The Language of Letting Go" .

cdk1972

so...i told him today that i couldn't do it anymore. that it was about me, that these were MY feelings, i know i can't ask him to stop, but that it was hurting me to be with him. He yelled at me. Told me to F off. Told me that he will do whatever he wants WHENEVER he wants, that he's heard this song and dance with every relationship he's ever had, and guess what...he's not changing, so deal with it or not. I've never heard him be so mean before. He was SO angry with me. I could literally hear his voice trembling. He told me i'd better get off the phone now, or else he'll be forced to hang up on me. I know it's the "Addiction" talking. I know that he's defensive and in denial. But why does it hurt so bad? Everything he said was basically a walking contradiction. "He's NEVER put drinking in front of anybody-not that it's any of my business what the H he does anyway"....My God. I knew this is what I had to do and I understand what he's doing, but why can't i just say, "he can't talk to me like this...screw him" why am i uncontrollably bawling and feeling guilty? Where is my strength????

cagefree

Sorry (((CDK)))
Your strength is that you recognize it for what it is and quit making excuses


Guess you won't have to worry about him becoming mr perfect for another woman...


I bet he was more angry with himself. They hate facing direct consequences of their actions. Mine would probably rather jump into a pool of milk a week past the expiration date rather than be held accountable and responsible for his actions and choices.

cdk1972

So is the complete failure i'm feeling right now my co-dependence? I feel like I need so badly for him to understand where i'm coming from-he obviously didn't hear anything I said, only what he wanted to. I was very careful to use "I" messages, not to blame him, but to focus on, this is what I am feeling, and I am hurting right now because I am not able to express my feelings in this relationship-and that's really what i focused on even moreso than his drinking. So right now i'm feeling like my words didn't matter at all. What i said isn't important. I know i know i know it's the alcholic talking/treating me this way, but how do i get over it? I recognize it, how do I quit being a complete uncontrollable bawling freak today? I'm devastated. I'm hurt. I feel like i should've kept my mouth shut. I feel like i disappointed him I feel like he hates me so much right now. And i was even expecting the WORST before I called him!

ARealLady

((((((cdk)))))))))))

Cry all you need to and take good care of yourself this next little while. You made a very important decision about YOUR life and you are now back in control of it. I agonized for months about breaking off with XABF because I did not want to feel guilty either but it was a huge lie he told me which finally made me call STOP!

"he will do whatever he wants WHENEVER he wants"

I swear that some As seem to be reading from a set script. Would you say that to the person you love? XABF accused me of being "self-centered" because I told him I needed to focus on my life. Your A told you to "F...off"....a reaction similar to the ugly threats XABF made to me when he got my break off email.

Thinking of you.

ARL

cdk1972

To Areallady-read right above what you last wrote-i think i wrote that while you were writing your last comment...and you missed it...I NEED HELP!

denny57

It is important, to YOU. I've come to understand that when I express my feelings, I have no control over whether someone else listens or understands them. What matters is that I am true to myself.

((()))

cagefree

I fight these thoughts every day with a codie recovery plan.

Give yourself permission to feel, validate yourself and your feelings. Who cares if your a bawling freak today - if you need to, cry all over the place! We've all been a mess at one time or another and another and another. I have stood exactly where you are now, wondering why he doesn't get it, trying to figure out what I had done wrong that he didn't get it.

This has NOTHING to do with you (((CDK)))

Write it out in 50 different launguages with pie charts, blinking arrows and bold-face explicit lettering and he'll still only choose to hear what he wants. You can expect this from an alcoholic.

Can I suggest a good read? "Codependent No More"

ARealLady

"how do i get over it? I recognize it, how do I quit being a complete uncontrollable bawling freak today? I'm devastated. I'm hurt. I feel like i should've kept my mouth shut. I feel like i disappointed him I feel like he hates me so much right now."

You give yourself time...T-I-M-E. You take care of yourself (read the Melody Beattie books, take a long bubble bath, turn your phone off, indulge in your favourite comfort foods, read threads on this forum created by members who were right where you are, know that you are not alone in how you are feeling). Go back to the beginning of this thread and read what you posted about your feelings. Validate your feelings through what you wrote. You did not imagine anything.

Within 48 hours of XABF's hateful email to me, I received an apology for his angry threats. Same old, same old. I will wager your XBF is going to drown his sorrows and within a few days be calling you to come back. You probably have disappointed your XBF....he liked having CKD, The Codie-Enabler in his life....but the bottle was always more important. Now, The New CKD has rocked his comfortable world....but the bottle is still there. His choice. Pity him.

ARL

cdk1972

I really, really, really appreciate everyone's response. It really does help me get through this. As a matter of fact, i'm going to Barne's and Noble to find that book right now. Of course, i'll have to wear big sunglasses so my eyes don't look like golfballs. And every time someone says ONE thing to me-the mailman just said, "I like your flowers" I start to cry. Nice. I feel like a total weak freakface. I hate this feeling. HATE it. But i will say even my closest friends aren't making me feel like these comments are! THANK YOU!

cdk1972

Oh. and here's my other fear: If he DOES call me and try to convince me and himself he's okay, blablablabla come back, we'll work it out, blablabla, how am I going to stand my ground? I'm going to be 100% honest - I can't promise that I can do that right now. What a mess I am. How pathetic am I.

Lady BlueMiles

Told me that he will do whatever he wants WHENEVER he wants,

Heard this a million times. It was my AH's way of telling me he wasn't going to respect any boundaries with me adapting and conceding every step of the way to avoid pain because it does hurt.

It started out with Happy Hour after work, then Friday night out with the boys, then Thursday, Friday, and Saturday with his friends. Today he comes and goes as he pleases and only comes home to vent, rant, rage or rest up.

Early on, it sounded kinda foolish to think about breaking up because he wanted to socialize after work for happy hour or wanted a night out with the boys. See what I mean?

cdk1972

Yes, I do. And he doesn't go out , but his excuse is, as a cop, he sees and deals with so much that I could never, ever understand. Just give him that one bit of pleasure to get his mind off this. Just this ONE pleasure. and that makes me feel guilty. For so many reasons: One, that I alone can't take his mind off of it (granted, i know this isn't about me, but for some reason that still rings in my head). and two, why can't I help him? He's so depressed and sad and hurting, what can I do to help him? Again, i'm aware of how co-dependent that is, but i can't help feeling it all the same. His alcoholism is making ME feel crazy, guilty, hurt, unworthy, foolish and illogical. He works in the K9 unit, which deals 90% in drug/alcoholuse, so in his mind, since he is nowhere NEAR as bad as the alcoholics he comes into contact with, this is NOT A PROBLEM. "Some people smoke pot, some people eat a lot, some people work out...I have a few whiskies-so mind your business". What i don't get is, with how schooled he is in drug and alcohol training, doesn't he HEAR himself? He is text book, doesn't any of his behavior ring a bell?!?! He has a degree in criminal justice/drug and alcohol/social work. How is this POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!??!
Some quotes he said today on the phone:
I don't need you telling me this, everyone at work already thinks i have a problem, you all can mind your own business.
Every relationship i've had i've heard this same BS, i don't need it from you....

HELLO!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??! Listen to yourself!!
Am i going crazy? Am I missing somethign?!?!?

Lady BlueMiles

Am i going crazy? Am I missing somethign?!?!?

I don't think your going crazy, but frankly, it appears to me from your posts you are being AFFECTED by this disease. (jmo)

I know I've been affected.
This is where I think Alanon meetings are going to help me. It's finally sinking in that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I certainly can't control it. I have to stop focusing on the A and focus on me. I got lost in the never ending trauma, drama, irrationality of living with an A . Hardly know myself anymore. But that's getting better.

cagefree

An addict will do anything to protect their greatest love - their addiction. They protect it with denial, threats, bargaining, etc.

Mine essentially left the relationship to protect his.

I gave myslf my own validation that it wasn't all in my head and quit believing the bs that came from him. I don't need for him to "get what he did" on order for me to moveon.

I know what was REALLY going on - and thats all I need. It took a lot of work on myself to get there.

cdk1972

I guess that is what i'm trying to do. Know/convince myself i am right, but i find that i keep faltering...what if i AM wrong and I am a complete B**** for accusing him? I hurt his feelings, I can't handle the fact that he hates me right now..blablabla. I am reading a book called, "Understanding the alcoholic's mind" by Arnold Ludwig, and it is amazing how textbook my ABF is...fits this book to a T! But why, then, if i realize this, do i feel so damn guilty? I know what he is doing right now. He is at home so pissed off at me he hates the sight of everything that is mine that is over there. He has probably even punched a few holes in the walls. I have never heard anger yesterday on the phone in my life. So I sit here thinking, oh, my God. What have I done? I've ruined his life, i've sent him in a downward spiral and on and on and on. I know better, I know that is the codependence in me, so why do i keep doing it?!!?!? Why do I feel so bad today? Why am I so worried about him hating me?

Mair

CDK!!! This is what they are like, i lost count how many times i walked away from him when he was out of control, not saying a word just walking away. i always thought that this reaction really p--- him off more than ranting about his drinking did. By saying nothing and walking away you are not giving him the excuse to blame you, mine always knew it was his fault no need for me to tell him.

I felt better when i didnt shout at him, i walked away with a clear consience till i got in the car and screamed all the way home!!!!!!

He doesnt hate you cdk, youve hit a raw nerve that is all. The only person he really hates is himself. You did nothing wrong, you did what weve all done. I wrote to my xab and told him much of the same as you that i loved him but couldnt put up with the drinking. Im sure if would have been a fly on the wall when he read it my name would have been dirt. He says he misses me and loves me and i really beleive he does but its not enough for him to stop, he told me the other day i'll sort myself out and we can try again yeh, he was on the way to the pub?? dugh. You have nothing to feel guilty about I dont' anymore and neither should you. Take care dol.

Mair x

Pick-a-name

Keep reading and posting,etc.,etc. and keep an open mind.

What I found was that as my denial started to crack, I was in a constant battle with myself......the truth started getting louder and louder (and I did not want to believe it). I was also used to believing what my AH said; that was well and good years ago BEFORE he became addicted, but not so good when he was telling me what he wanted me (and himself) to believe.

It's a process..by being here you are making yourself open to the possibility that things are not all that he says they are....good.

Have you read "Getting Them Sober"? I really love the gentleness of these books and practical tips. http://www.GettingThemSober.com

cdk1972

I have just read a sticky from Tazman-a former alcoholic. He says that the best thing to do is walk away and let him fend for himself, which is, in essence what you have said. Why does that send a stabbing pain through my stomache? I guess to be brutally honest, and as selfish as this seems, i think, "Well what if he doesnt' come back i'll lose him forever?" I KNOW that that would probably be the best thing. I know the cliche's involved- if you love him let him leave....etc. I KNOW all of this-do i want him like this anyway? balblabla. But where how do i find the strength to DO it anyway?!?!?!? I know it would be the best thing i could do for myself, so why is it so hard? WHERE DOES THAT INCESSANT NEED TO FIX/HELP him come from?!?!?!?

hbb

(((CDK))) I know exactly how you feel, i tried to "fix" my exrabf for 6 months while he was sober for the first time in about 14 years. He left me sober.....it's nothing YOU did, it's them. I know someday Jay will wake up and say he lost the best thing ever but you know what, i know in my heard i did EVERYTHING (but breathe) for him so i know that i walk away with not one regret. Chances are he'll go back to drinking because damn it, i was the best thing for him and he couldn't handle it. He can live a miserable life at the age of 34, i did my best and loved him too much i guess in the long run. You ARE doing the right thing, i know i go back and forth on here and cry daily still but you know what, we don't deserve this unaccepable behavior from our worst enemy. Stay strong, PM me anytime, we are all here for you

P.s. it's been well over a month for me and i'm still as sad as the first week, it takes time, it's a grieving process, but you know what, believe the recovering friends in here like Tazman because they, unlike my Jay, are in TRUE recovery, mine is a dry drunk aka JERK Keep your chin up