how do i deal?

Old 08-11-2007, 05:17 PM
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"believe the recovering friends in here like Tazman because they, unlike my Jay, are in TRUE recovery,"

Got to second that, hbb! Much of my new understanding about this disease comes from all the wonderful people who post about their recovery experiences over on the Alcoholism board. And I love it when they provide insight on this board.

Interesting that XABF thinks he is too special to attend AA because he doesn't want to associate with all those alkies who have been ordered to AA and have to sign in. He seriously told me the ONLY meeting he would consider attending would be George Bush's! And yet, when you read about recovering As' experiences with AA, they often say that they thought they were going to be outsiders initially only to discover everyone at AA had been thinking, saying and doing the same things! And, as I reminded XABF, the people who run the meetings aren't signing in....they are there because they know the programme works! Service!!!

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Old 08-11-2007, 06:04 PM
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In My case, S will not go to AA because he says, "There's no way i'm going to go to a place where i've probably arrested half of those people at one time or the other...how would i ever be taken seriously if i'm right there beside them?" Of course, that was when he DID have a problem. He doesn't right now. Told me yesterday if he wants to relax with a scotch it's none of my damn business. So i guess you also need to relax on your three days off when nothing else in the entire world is going on?! I can't get over how mean he was yesterday. I keep hearing his angry voice rolling in my head over and over. and it scares me a little bit. I'm scared he'll call again and be mean again, and i always cave and become weak and start crying instead of being able to say, Screw you don't ever talk to me that way! It is in my head, but never able to come out of my mouth. it's like i freeze up. I can't believe how crazy i feel in my head. I don't even trust my own thoughts right now.
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Old 08-11-2007, 08:08 PM
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I'm scared he'll call again and be mean again, and i always cave and become weak and start crying instead of being able to say, Screw you don't ever talk to me that way!

I've started asking myself alot of questions lately. It's been a long time for me.
What do I want in a relationship? How do I want to be treated and loved? What are my boundaries? What am I going to do when the line is crossed?

This mean and nasty aspect of the As is so hard to deal with. If I can't control the behaviour of someone else what do I do? I'm learning about detachment. It's not easy.
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:09 AM
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But how do i not take it so personally and hurt so much? When he says mean things to me, I automatically feel bad,guilty,hurt, whatever. Although my conscience mind knows it's him saying things in defense, i believe there is some truth to what he is saying as well and it hurts. I've been terrified in thelast two days expecting a phone call from him. I hate this so much. I can't even get through the day like a normal person.
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:13 AM
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If I'm in a meeting working on myself I'm not available to take phone calls from people I'm dreading.
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by cdk1972 View Post
I'm new to this. But I need support/advice...something. I am in my mid thirties. I am not naive about alcoholism. Unfortunately, i met and fell in love with an alcoholic. Also unfortunately, he is drinking again after having about 5 weeks of sober lucidity, admitting he had a problem, wanting to stop etc. He has now started again, is defensive about it, trying to convince me and himself he is in control. I don't want to live my life like this. I cannot talk to him about his alcoholism for obvious reasons (defensive, says i'm trying to control his life, it's not my business, etc.) I know that whatever I say will or do will never, ever change him. It will not make him stop. That is up to him. But it hurts me that alcohol will always be ahead of me. I know the disease. At the same time, i 'm not ready to leave. I'm not sure what is stopping me. He has an answer/counter for anything i say to him. It's always my fault. My problem, not his. And i constantly feel guilty. But i realize i'm also losing myself. He is a cop, and co workers have warned him about his drinking. He never, ever uses at work, though and is smart enough to never do that. But they still know about it. And he is becoming more and more hostile to their "constant nagging".
How do i deal with this? Is my only option to walk away? I do not want to live with an alcoholic, but I DO want to live with HIM. I am beginning to think that there is no bottom for him. He has admitted to me (while drunk) that drinking is his escape. He has admitted to me that it conceals the pain of his previous divorce, all the **** he goes through with his line of work, etc. But he also says that counseling is useless. He will never go. I think it also has to do with his macho-ness as a police officer. I am at a loss. I feel depressed all the time. I feel like i cannot bring anything up for fear of a confrontation. Am I just resigned to this unless i leave?
thank you for letting me vent. Any responses will be well-received.
Thank you.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT! LEAVE NOW! DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE IN GENERAL WITH WEAK POTENTIAL. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT I AM SURE! MG IN VEGAS.
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:41 AM
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But how do i not take it so personally and hurt so much?

Denny is so right. By attending meetings, getting informed, and working on your own issues.

This is what I'm learning: Taking it personally is your issue, believing what he says is your issue, waiting for the phone to ring is your issue, processing emotions in a healthy way is your issue, not setting boundaries is your issue. Concentrate on that. Focus on you. You have to work at it.

Drinking and being nasty is HIS issue. Not yours to deal with. Work at not adding to your own problems by taking on his issues. Inform him of your boundaries. In your own words you could say something like "I don't like to be spoken to like that and if it continues I'm going to hang up."

If you don't feel strong enough to enforce your boundaries about how he speaks to you then just don't answer the phone when he calls and spend the time working on yourself.
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Old 08-12-2007, 01:21 PM
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This is how i'm feeling right now:
I have always been dismissed when I have tried to express my feelings. By my father, by my co-workers, sometimes by my friends. I have learned that my feelings don't matter to a lot of people. I don't trust my own emotions sometimes. I have tried to validate myself, and say that it doesn't matter what other people think, only me, but if that's true, then what's the point? I don't have to live my life with JUST ME, i have to interact unless i want to be a hermit. I feel depressed, and unworthy and scared to ever trust anyone else again. He hasn't called, and a part of me is breathing a sigh of relief, and the other part is devastated that he hates me. I love this person. As stupid and terrible as that sounds, I still do. I've been with him a long time. I'm just very scared right now and feeling very weak and very unhappy about being....here? There? Anywhere.
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Old 08-12-2007, 01:42 PM
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I have always been dismissed when I have tried to express my feelings. By my father, by my co-workers, sometimes by my friends. I have learned that my feelings don't matter to a lot of people.
That might just be how you perceive it. Many of us have a disease of perception. I know I do. I see what I want to. The truth is usually something different.

I don't trust my own emotions sometimes
Good. Feelings aren't facts. With me, situations lead to feelings, feelings lead to thought, and though leads to action. Or better said, re-action. Usually some re-action that just makes things worse.

I've been told over and over that "It's none of my business what others think of me". My job is me. To keep my side of the street clean, and do the next right thing. By doing this consistently, things ALWAYS turn out for the better. Not how, or when I would like them to, but they always turn out good, usually in surprising ways.
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:41 PM
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I am reading Codependent no more. And i"m learning. But here's where I keep getting stuck-the question is, "If you stop reacting, what is the worst that can happen?" Well, the worst that can happen is that I will once again be left alone and scared and depressed. I was so lonely and depressed before i met him. I know i can't rely on someone else to make me happy, but that lonely world scares the hell out of me. And we've been together for awhile, and i've grown to appreciate his company until as of late. I'm scared to be without him, and so it makes me question if it was that bad or not....he DID call today, as AReaLlady said he probably would...and i didn't answer. Frankly, i was scared he would tell me to F off. and he called again tonight-neither time leaving a message. I'm scared to talk to him, bc i'm scared he will say he never wants to see me again. How messed up is that? I should be jumping for joy....
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:47 AM
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JMHO...if you have to ask yourself "is it THAT bad", then it probably is. I know for me, i was so willing to settle and after being out on vacation Sat. night, i talked with a new guy for about 3 hours, nothing other than chit chat and you know what, for the FIRST time in 2 months i actually didnt think about my ex and it was nice to see that someone paid a little attention to me for the first time in a while. Yes i'm sad and probably still in denial but knowing that life will and does go on and you don't have to settle is something new for me i know EXACTLY how you are feeling and it is a process, you will be sad, mad, depressed and all that unfortunate stuff but you will come through shining on the other end and you DO deserve better and not have to settle
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Old 08-13-2007, 08:04 AM
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" "If you stop reacting, what is the worst that can happen?" Well, the worst that can happen is that I will once again be left alone and scared and depressed. I was so lonely and depressed before i met him. I know i can't rely on someone else to make me happy, but that lonely world scares the hell out of me."

CDK...if you go back up to the beginning of this thread and start reading some of your posts you were already feeling depressed within the relationship with your BF. The feelings you were experiencing caused you to "re-act" in order to protect yourself in the long term. You made a decision to change what you could change. You took control. And I don't see that as being "the worst" thing that could happen...quite the opposite!

You mention that you were "lonely and depressed" when you embarked on the relationship with your BF. Ever considered that you were your ABF's perfect target for a relationship? Co-dependents are attracted to needy people. And your A told you himself that none of his relationships work out. Has to be that each of the other women he has been involved with before you reached the same conclusions you did.

(((((CDK)))))), be good to yourself. Autumn is coming and new activities start up then. Think about new groups or classes you could try as a diversion. See this stage of your life as an opportunity to keep growing.

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Old 08-13-2007, 09:37 PM
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I was okay today. Maybe because I thought he'd call again, like he did yesterday. I felt powerful that I didn't pick up. Now today, he didn't call at all, and i can't stop crying again. I'm back to he hates me, i can't handle it. I am getting through my book, Codependent No More, and it's like a biography of myself. I'm reading it every spare second i can to keep my mind off things. But i am full of dread. I'm a teacher and i go back to school next week and i dread questions from everyone about how "we" are ...everyong was so excited for me that i finally found someone. I feel like i failed again. have to show everyone again what a failure i have become. I miss him and i want him to call. i don't want to answer, i just want him to call.
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Old 08-13-2007, 10:02 PM
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"i dread questions from everyone about how "we" are.... .I feel like i failed again. have to show everyone again what a failure i have become."

CDK? What stops you from telling your colleagues that YOU broke off the relationship because you discovered that your BF was an A? When people ask I tell them the truth. I take no blame for what is HIS problem....I have had friends sympathize but pat me on the back for recognizing that the relationship was going nowhere. Hold your head up high. You have done NO wrong!

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Old 08-14-2007, 12:32 PM
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CDK, i know how you feel about wanting for him to call. I think about that everyday of my life since this break up. I keep thinking he will call and say he screwed up but have to come to the realization that deep down inside i dont want him to really call because i'm too weak still and will probably be sucked right back into the drama and mess he calls life.....no contact is the best for yourself, let him wonder what you are doing easier said than done, TRUST ME, but one day you'll be glad because you will be one more day further along in your recovery and stronger.
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:06 PM
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Dear CDK, I have read alot on this site but never replied. I don't have a whole lot to say but I just wan't you to know I was in an EXTREMELY similar situation as youjust a couple of months ago. And I all my sympathy goes out to you, it is such a difficult situation. For me, I believe it is the most difficult situation have and will ever go through. I thought in the end love would find it's way and he would put our love before the alcohol. But unfortunately he lost everything that was important to him (except the alcohol) and NEVER could admitt why. It was like he could not add 2+2. No matter how obvious the signs were he blamed anything and everything he could except the drinking. My heart goes out to you and anyone who is in a similar situation.
And to answer your question about if you should explain the reason for your leaving to him. Do it if you need to hear your self say it, but either he will take one of two paths (or both). He will either continue to deny all responsibility (which is so difficult for his partner) OR he will take responsibility, beleiving himself that he has "relized" his mistakes and what he needs to do to fix things. But I promise you, the second is Temporary. I wish it weren't, but it is. We always want to give love the benifit of the doubt, but in the case with alcoholism, it is just not so. It is sad, but it is true. And we just hope we learn from this, and learn the bottom line of the people we create relationships with. That they will choose us over anything that makes us hurt. And it is very posible.
Sorry, this was SO much longer than I meant it to be. I just really felt and related to everything you said in your messages. I wish you the best life....
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:07 PM
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my heart goes out to you...

Dear CDK, I have read alot on this site but never replied. I don't have a whole lot to say but I just wan't you to know I was in an EXTREMELY similar situation as youjust a couple of months ago. And I all my sympathy goes out to you, it is such a difficult situation. For me, I believe it is the most difficult situation have and will ever go through. I thought in the end love would find it's way and he would put our love before the alcohol. But unfortunately he lost everything that was important to him (except the alcohol) and NEVER could admitt why. It was like he could not add 2+2. No matter how obvious the signs were he blamed anything and everything he could except the drinking. My heart goes out to you and anyone who is in a similar situation.
And to answer your question about if you should explain the reason for your leaving to him. Do it if you need to hear your self say it, but either he will take one of two paths (or both). He will either continue to deny all responsibility (which is so difficult for his partner) OR he will take responsibility, beleiving himself that he has "relized" his mistakes and what he needs to do to fix things. But I promise you, the second is Temporary. I wish it weren't, but it is. We always want to give love the benifit of the doubt, but in the case with alcoholism, it is just not so. It is sad, but it is true. And we just hope we learn from this, and learn the bottom line of the people we create relationships with. That they will choose us over anything that makes us hurt. And it is very posible.
Sorry, this was SO much longer than I meant it to be. I just really felt and related to everything you said in your messages. I wish you the best life....
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Old 08-14-2007, 01:19 PM
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OOPS, I get really confused on this site and I accidently sent my message twice as well as replying to an old posting of yours CDK. I didn't see the new ones. So sorry for the possible confusion!
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Old 08-14-2007, 04:43 PM
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I appreciate your responses. I just got an e-mail from his daughter-who has no idea about the breakup i'm sure-she's only 8 and i lost it again. I am trying really hard to detach, i really am. But it's like someone turned on a faucet and my eyes will NOT stop leaking! I was at the grocery store and this lady said, "do you want to go first? i have more than you do" and i started bawling. I'm so, so sad. i know that this will pass. I just need it too soon. Because i don't know how much longer i can take this. Thank you to everyone.
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Old 08-14-2007, 08:38 PM
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I feel like i failed again. have to show everyone again what a failure i have become.

Remember that old fairytale about the Princess? If people start asking questions just say sometimes you have to kiss alot of frogs before you meet your handsome prince.

Sounds like this frog said "Ribbit." Moral of the story is keep trying. You'll find true love in time. Believe it, because your capable of loving and deserving to be loved.

Last edited by Lady BlueMiles; 08-14-2007 at 08:40 PM. Reason: spelling correction
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