how do i deal?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
I am practicing in my mind how to say NO. I just hope i have the strength to do it, and not be sucked in by him....
(((((CDK))))))))
You are not alone. I got sucked in this afternoon.....stupidly picked up the phone with no caller ID displayed on it and there he was. I stayed cool and detached and rang off pretty quickly with an excuse....then went for a walk.
Mental note to self......ALWAYS check caller ID!
ARL
(((((CDK))))))))
You are not alone. I got sucked in this afternoon.....stupidly picked up the phone with no caller ID displayed on it and there he was. I stayed cool and detached and rang off pretty quickly with an excuse....then went for a walk.
Mental note to self......ALWAYS check caller ID!
ARL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
How the Hell are you so strong? I dont' get it. i wish so much i could have that, or at least show it. i can't. i have constant anxiety, wondering what he's doing, what his parents must think, about all the plans we had, bla bla bla. it makes me feel as though i could fall apart at any moment. haven't heard from him in over a week...i know that's a good thing, but i know its coming and i'm scared scared scared.
i guess i still have trouble with detaching. sometimes i am good-and mad and hate him, and then other times.....can't handle it.
i guess i still have trouble with detaching. sometimes i am good-and mad and hate him, and then other times.....can't handle it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by cdk1972 
Yes, I do. And he doesn't go out , but his excuse is, as a cop, he sees and deals with so much that I could never, ever understand. Just give him that one bit of pleasure to get his mind off this. Just this ONE pleasure. and that makes me feel guilty. For so many reasons: One, that I alone can't take his mind off of it (granted, i know this isn't about me, but for some reason that still rings in my head). and two, why can't I help him? He's so depressed and sad and hurting, what can I do to help him? Again, i'm aware of how co-dependent that is, but i can't help feeling it all the same. His alcoholism is making ME feel crazy, guilty, hurt, unworthy, foolish and illogical. He works in the K9 unit, which deals 90% in drug/alcoholuse, so in his mind, since he is nowhere NEAR as bad as the alcoholics he comes into contact with, this is NOT A PROBLEM. "Some people smoke pot, some people eat a lot, some people work out...I have a few whiskies-so mind your business". What i don't get is, with how schooled he is in drug and alcohol training, doesn't he HEAR himself? He is text book, doesn't any of his behavior ring a bell?!?! He has a degree in criminal justice/drug and alcohol/social work. How is this POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!??!
Some quotes he said today on the phone:
I don't need you telling me this, everyone at work already thinks i have a problem, you all can mind your own business.
Every relationship i've had i've heard this same BS, i don't need it from you....
HELLO!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??! Listen to yourself!!
Am i going crazy? Am I missing somethign?!?!?
Some quotes he said today on the phone:
I don't need you telling me this, everyone at work already thinks i have a problem, you all can mind your own business.
Every relationship i've had i've heard this same BS, i don't need it from you....
HELLO!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??! Listen to yourself!!
Am i going crazy? Am I missing somethign?!?!?
I personally have known an ADDICTIONOLOGIST, a medical doctor psychiatrist specialist in treating addiction/alcoholism that himself is in recovery. Anyone able to think clearly will ask how is this possible. IQ, education, money, or lack of means nothing.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by cdk1972
He's just so cold and unapologetic. And angry. and I know it shouldn't get to me, i know its his problem, but it does get to me. I guess its that control thing of mine, but i feel so guilty. What is this hold he has on me? Any normal person would never take this kind of treatment.
Sadly his behavior is akin to that of a patient in a hospital mental ward. Alcohol for an alcoholic is a very toxic chemical that alters the mind. That is the alcohol talking and they are very protective of continuing to use it.
Non alcoholics can drink and they may get woozy, drunk, hungover, or tired, but not insane.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
i just don't understand it, i guess. and i guess i am addicted to him just as much because i am willing to be with a person who treats me less than what i deserve. what is WRONG with me.what happened to me to make me BE this way? Jeezus. I feel like such a trainwreck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
CDK,
That's a great question to ask...what made me this way?
Funny thing is that I didn't start really UN-doing all of my codependent behaviors -- and I put up with much more than you, for a long time -- until I learned the answers. I did it through a really good counselor/therapist, but any way you can answer them will be helpful.
How did I get this way?
Was there anything about my family life that trained me to react this way?
Have I always been like this, or was there something in THIS relationship that triggered it suddenly?
Do I treat myself any better than HE treats me?
What's one small thing I could do.....tiny tiny tiny...that would start to prove to myself that I CAN be the kind of strong person I want to be?
Do not answer the phone if he calls. It's not strength, it's self-respect. Promise yourself you can call him back in one hour if you'll just let the call go to voicemail. It'll be a hard hour but you'll be teaching yourself something: you're worthy of respect and capable of being strong when you want to be.
Strength is something you grow one tiny step at a time. Think about one you can take...you deserve joy, not this madness he deals you.
Hugs,
GL
That's a great question to ask...what made me this way?
Funny thing is that I didn't start really UN-doing all of my codependent behaviors -- and I put up with much more than you, for a long time -- until I learned the answers. I did it through a really good counselor/therapist, but any way you can answer them will be helpful.
How did I get this way?
Was there anything about my family life that trained me to react this way?
Have I always been like this, or was there something in THIS relationship that triggered it suddenly?
Do I treat myself any better than HE treats me?
What's one small thing I could do.....tiny tiny tiny...that would start to prove to myself that I CAN be the kind of strong person I want to be?
Do not answer the phone if he calls. It's not strength, it's self-respect. Promise yourself you can call him back in one hour if you'll just let the call go to voicemail. It'll be a hard hour but you'll be teaching yourself something: you're worthy of respect and capable of being strong when you want to be.
Strength is something you grow one tiny step at a time. Think about one you can take...you deserve joy, not this madness he deals you.
Hugs,
GL
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Look in the crystal ball and tell me where you're life and your sanity will be 5 years from now after living with an active alcoholic. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and worse and worse...
Think about that for a while. You'll make the decision you want to make when you're ready to make it.
Think about that for a while. You'll make the decision you want to make when you're ready to make it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
I know you are right. And I HAVE thought about those things. But somewhere in my messed up mind i think-well, it's better than what i'm going through now. Logically i know thats insane, but i'm SO DEPRESSED!
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
((((CDK)))) I felt just the same way in my first weeks of no contact....it does get better, i promise...just keep putting one foot in front of the other...it WILL get better....keep coming here and posting/reading and read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism....whenever i start feeling nostalgic, i start reading Getting Them Sober again and remember how much I do not want to be the woman who needs this book to survive....I don't want to be the woman using all of these strategies....too much....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
Tell me if this is normal: I am starting to feel guilty now. Like, I should never have told him that i thought his drinking is a problem, because that started off everything, and if i would've shut my mouth at least it'd still be okay for now. I know that's sounds crazy, but i'm so depressed. haven't heard from him for one week, and i constantly wonder what he's thinking, if he hates me, if he's angry at me, blablabla. I KNOW it shouldn't matter. I get it, but its not helping me feel any better. Why do i care so much what he thinks? I can't get over this depression i'm feeling. I hate it.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I know EXACTLY how you feel, as i feel guilty but you know why, it's because your heart is so quick to remember the good and not the bad that happened.
By you saying maybe the drinking wasn't so bad (as i debated with my exabf), your accepting unacceptable behavior and lowering your living standards. Mine was active for our first 3 months and it was AWFUL, I couldn't find him at times, passed out early, drove drunk, was a mean jerk that fought....and this was in the BEGINNING of our relationship.
As time goes by (7 weeks for me) i'm starting to let my guard down by saying things like "it wasn't that bad, maybe he didn't do anything wrong or with his ex, he's a good guy". I know how it is, but then i have to FORCE myself and say let go, he's not worth it, he has a major major drinking problem and is not willing to do the work. We deserve soooooooo much better than this.
I'm so sad today myself and depressed, heck i cried all morning but you know what, no one deserves to be treated badly by another person. DON'T feel guilty, as you didn't do anything wrong. Mr. C said on another post, guilt is for those that are guilty of something wrong. You did NOTHING wrong
keep your chin up, PM me anytime, i'd love to talk take care.
By you saying maybe the drinking wasn't so bad (as i debated with my exabf), your accepting unacceptable behavior and lowering your living standards. Mine was active for our first 3 months and it was AWFUL, I couldn't find him at times, passed out early, drove drunk, was a mean jerk that fought....and this was in the BEGINNING of our relationship.
As time goes by (7 weeks for me) i'm starting to let my guard down by saying things like "it wasn't that bad, maybe he didn't do anything wrong or with his ex, he's a good guy". I know how it is, but then i have to FORCE myself and say let go, he's not worth it, he has a major major drinking problem and is not willing to do the work. We deserve soooooooo much better than this.
I'm so sad today myself and depressed, heck i cried all morning but you know what, no one deserves to be treated badly by another person. DON'T feel guilty, as you didn't do anything wrong. Mr. C said on another post, guilt is for those that are guilty of something wrong. You did NOTHING wrong
keep your chin up, PM me anytime, i'd love to talk take care.
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