I made a decision to drink several years ago while married. I had been sober for three years and one day decided to drink. One drink began a five week binge and a three week hospital stay; I was one of those drunks who saw things and acted like a blender among other things. At some point during the pain, I knew I was full; full of booze, full of pain, full of not living again. This happened rather quickly after spending quite some time on my knees in my hospital room. My Wife choose to allow me to stay in the marriage and loved me inspite of my insane desire to destroy myself and those around us and I am more than grateful she made that decision. As a drunk, I was a criminal and a bum and I would be a drunk today if I had not realized that I needed to be full.
I needed something I could hold on to. As an active alcoholic for over 30 years, I needed more than meetings and sponsors and steps. I needed a new life. In order to get this new life, I had to realize, on my own that I had drank all of the booze I would ever need; I was full. I needed desperately something larger and more durable than any man or woman, who would hold me in the palm of their mighty hand and love me through anything. All I had to do was ask that larger and more durable being for help and listen for the instructions. I did and I live to tell about it today.
Recovering people occaisonally like to give advise... forgive me but I will not. Your decisions and the outcomes are yours. Several good women over the years did not stick with me because of their considered feelings regarding who, what, why and how I was living my life. I in no way blame them; I was not ready to live like others. Today, at 50, I have been married for the first time for six years and I would not trade this special love for anything. This is just another product of that new life I spoke of before.
I get off by myself and get down to a private place so I can get on my knees. Regardless of my place in the scheme of life, I always get on my knees to talk to a god of my understanding. By the way, I don't have to be the right person, the wrong person... if I have difficulties, I go to someone who has the answers, if I am willing to simply listen. This is not ******, sorry, but it works for me.
I will say this in close, when difficulties are pitting me against anything, I pray, listen and go on with head held high. Take care in all.