I am sorry for the delay in responses. I have to be honest with you all, even though i am not being honest with my friends and family- and probably myself. He called, told me to come over, let's talk, blablabla. I did. I knew inside i would cave, and i did. I'm just as weak as he is. He was very nice to me that night-of course, never apologizing, but just being nice. And yes, having several drinks. But then he started distancing himself from me, and then yesterday he invited me to coffee,....what? Since when do we go to coffee? So i said, just tell me what you're going to say. He told me that he will not tolerate me telling him what to do, and WEIRD-that the more i tell him, the more he wants to do it-and that it angers him so much he feels like he wants to lose control and that i should be glad i wasn't in the room with him when he read my e-mail (which is the e-mail that started this whole thing in the first place.) I guess i knew it was coming. I cried all night. Went grocery shopping today and had to repeatedly say to myself as i walked down the aisles, "Keep it together, keep it together....etc." i feel like i'm going through the motions because if i pause, i will break apart. I am sad for the loss of this relationship. I am sad for the loss of what i thought our future could be. I am sad for the hope i invested. I know he will probably not be successful-ever- in sobriety. His mind is too made up. I keep every single one of your words in my head, though. Constantly. I keep telling myself to feel this, and get through it. i keep telling myself that i have to detach and take care of myself. I can't thank all of you enough for your support. I just have so many questions. i'm so confused. i'm so lost and hurt and messed up in my head. I even reverted back to bad thoughts last night i used to have when i was younger (oh yea, to add to the trainwreck i already am, i suffer from clinical depression...i'm a class act, aren't I?) about me not even wanting to be here at all. Keep writing and i will keep being honest with you all. Because i can't tell my friends and family what i post here. so again...thank you. And here's a funny story to add a light hearted note-i'm a teacher and coach - today during volleyball practice i walked around all morning with a pair of underwear inside my pantleg-they had clung to the inside of my sweatpants in the drier. nice. i'm falling apart.