zjw

for what its worth my mom is in the same boat as me she like you goes to the doctor as often as she can financially. she has tons of health issues and no insurance. She like me cant afford it doesnt qualify for a subsidy etc.. on and on. She had a house that was fully paid for no mortgage etc.. she had to refi it to the max value to pay for all her medical bills.

She still goes to the doctor to take care of her issues now she has a huge mortgage payment to figure out as well and well more medical bills too. Its very sad. She now has more problmes more worries more bills and still has all the medical issues.

I guess i've become what i've become cause i've watched how it all play s out one way or another. It just stinks.

Anyhow Ya know how i feel about it all any how lol its a tough sitaution out there for many folks.

zjw

also I try to spend what little extra money i got on healthy food and running shoes etc.. anything l;ike that I see as an investment into my health and future etc.. I try know to skimp on costs there.

sleepie

Just walked 2.5 hrs briskly out of sheer anxiety.

2muchpain

Nice going!!!! Keep on trucking. John

sleepie

So today was nerve wracking and sucked. I am sure I won't be sleeping again.

This is not what I got sober for. I am sick to death of being kicked in the teeth by life all. The. Time.

Sobriety means nothing to me today. it amounted to nothing like all my other efforts.

Dee74

I think you would be far worse off if you hadn't got those 10 months of sobriety behind you tho, sleepie.

I hope the tests come out a lot better than you fear.
I hope there's someone there who can can ask what the results really mean, too

D

sleepie

I already know how it will go because I did all of this for female issues last year. Months and months of waiting, bank account draining testing, waiting, testing and dying of anxiety the entire time and being preoccupied with all of it all of the time. I won't be able to enjoy anything without this hanging over me liker a black cloud now.
I don't even care what the last 10 months would have been, my sobriety has not been rewarding. Only thinking that maybe, it could have been worse is not a thing that makes me feel good about any of it. I feel it is just more fruitless labor on my part.

I mean I see people on here going "I have severe anxiety, it's so severe, severe" everything's severe.... over things that turn out fine then they go ahead and keep drinking.

I quit drinking and now this. Of course I am an anxious wreck, who wouldn't be?

sleepie

I just wanted life to settle down after all of the drama of getting off benzos and alcohol. Instead, my health is worse, my bank account is empty and I am emotionally depressed from dealing with all of this and not ever getting to just live my life after everything I went through.

FBL

Sleepie, please stop beating yourself up! I'm sensing a lot of negative energy in your posts. I know you don't "do" positive thinking, but I really wish you would give it a try! I'm not talking about being phony or forcing it. Start by looking at the things you have in life. Being grateful for the simple things, like a roof over your head or being able to go for that brisk walk. I was at a restaurant yesterday and saw two little girls in wheelchairs and they both had the biggest smiles on their faces, they just looked so happy to be out and about. Seeing them reminded me that my problems seem pretty small by comparison.

I always love it when you go on other people's threads here at SR and offer encouragement...you're very good at it! And I bet you make them feel good too. THAT'S the kind of positive stuff I'm talking about. I bet you felt better after that walk yesterday, so why don't you make it a habit. Anything to get out of your own head for awhile.

Mountainmanbob

Truth is that your bank account would probably be in much worse shape if you were still doing benzos and alcohol.

In life for some the glass will be half empty
and as we know for others it will be half full.

MB

zjw

yeah but is your sobriety to blame for any of this?

I'd think the fact that your sober now would be serperate from health issues. IE drinking isnt going to make your health better or something. Its not like the doc rant the tests and said oh I see theres too much blood in your alcohol stream you should go out and drink. That would be nuts.

Sober or not Life is crap at times but please dont blame your sobreity for it.

Now I agree from the persepctive of hey I sobered up and life sitll aint great. I had the same issue. got sober and to be honest life still sucked pretty bad for a long while still its far far from perfect never will be etc..

24hrsAday

i hear you sleepie... We ALL Have Bad days.
I still do.. and (so far) I have Managed a day at a time
NOT to make the SAME old Mistake That ALWAYS
Makes things go from bad To WORSE!
I hope you can continue to keep doing the Next Right Thing...

Impurrfect

((Sleepie)) - totally get your frustration and worries. I just want to remind you that getting clean/sober doesn't mean we are healthy and happy. I have 9 years and almost 8 months in recovery and life is anything but a bowl of cherries.

I do know that had I kept using (and I'm VERY proud of you that you don't want to go back to drinking and benzos!!!), my life would be much worse.

What I've learned is life happens. People who have never abused anything get sick. My dad quit smoking 23 years ago but just spent a weekend in the hospital with congestive heart failure. He was diagnosed as pre-diabetic several years ago, lost weight...celebrated by buying, and eating, 3 dozen donuts. He SHOULD be a diabetic, the way he eats, but he's not.

I am not discounting your concerns because I have said "I got clean for THIS?!?" many a time.

Elevated liver enzymes do not automatically mean cirrhosis. It is a possibility but it's not a given.

I just want to send you some love and let you know I get it. I also want to congratulate on getting checked out! I have not done all the tests I need to have done at my age, but you (and my dad's situation) have inspired me to get it done. If I get bad news, I'll be right here with you, frustrated as hello.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

sleepie

Thanks impurrfect.

If I can't be happy or healthy though, it is pointless.

I am so, so sick of life kicking me when I am down. I want one thing, just one time for my efforts to pay off. I don't think it's wrong or selfish of me to want that.

Just knowing this cannot be anything good ruins every waking sober moment. Going through it all alone IRL makes it unbearable. I don't want to try anymore. It never pays off for me.

sleepie

I also did used to enjoy going to give support at other posts and at Newcomers. But after I was kicked a few times I was too down to anymore.

silentrun

Hi Sleeps. I have a song for you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsErzVYKUis

sleepie

Thanks SR.

I walked around for hours yesterday and all day today as well. I am still too much of a nervous wreck to even try and sleep. I hate every waking moment. I wish I had just one single family member or something to help me through this, or a supportive partner.... just any damn one IRL... I really cannot mentally handle all this stress. The past 2 years of medical tests and awaiting results and draining all my savings are killing me. I can't even enjoy life. It's no wonder I have two kinds of depression. I don't need depression meds, I need this s*** to GO AWAY.

SnazzyDresser

Pan's Labyrinth!

sleepie

It is a favorite. It is sad and dark like life is.

Abigmess

I'm really sorry that you live in a country where you have to worry about paying for healthcare .I can't imagine the stress this must cause .free universal healthcare is a real blessing