Thanks impurrfect.
If I can't be happy or healthy though, it is pointless.
I am so, so sick of life kicking me when I am down. I want one thing, just one time for my efforts to pay off. I don't think it's wrong or selfish of me to want that.
Just knowing this cannot be anything good ruins every waking sober moment. Going through it all alone IRL makes it unbearable. I don't want to try anymore. It never pays off for me.