sleepie

Thank you Trach. At my darker hours I need to talk about it. I have no IRL support.

I have offered support to many others here. It would never occur to me that anyone owed me anything. But thank you Trach for reminding me that I have made contributions and not simply taken with any reciprocation.

I am scared and alone.

Autumnlover19

Sleepie did you call your doctor's office to ask why the ALT could be high? I think you should do that. It may alleviate some anxiety without waiting weeks for answers. And I don't think that's asking too much of them. Thinking of you.

sunshinel

Sleepie. I agree with courage. I like you, and i think you are important and worth it. I dont post much but i have seen how you have encouraged others. You are kind, and that means everything.

sleepie

Thank you sunshinel

sleepie

It's a needle in my brain.

Why? What? Why is this happening? It can only be one thing. It certainly can't be anything good.

Good things don't happen to sleepie.

trachemys

"Good things don't happen..."

They don't. Good things are created. They are made by effort, by work, by sweat.

The work you have put in is Titanic. It's no wonder you're tired. Take a break. Rest on your laurels for a bit. Let life coast on by for a while. Recoup, recover. Try to relax.

FBL

Sleepie, you need to stop beating yourself up! Negative thoughts are pure poison to the soul. You're worth SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!!!

No one else can wave a magic wand and make it all better. It has to start from the inside. Treat yourself the way you'd want others to treat you. You're a good person, please start thinking positive thoughts about yourself! I guarantee you'll feel better.

Hawkeye13

Yes. this.
You matter sleepie--

SoberLeigh

Thinking of you, sleepie, and hoping that things will be looking up for you soon.

SnazzyDresser

Your new avatar is as colorful and vibrant as you are, sleepie!

courage2

sleepie, every day you're still out there is a victory for us all. try some cucumbers on the eyelids, or a cold compress, or what was it the lady used to say, "Calgon, take me away!"

You're a little piece of the universe with a flame in the center. Stoke the flame.

sleepie

So I called and left a message yesterday. They get back to me today. some kind of assistant wastes my time by not only giving me attitude but not knowing WTH she was talking about. Like literally going "What's that?" when I mentioned my ALT. So she takes a message for the actual nurse practitioner to call me back after completely upsetting me by being an idiot. So now there are TWO messages from me for the actual nurse practitioner to call me back. She never called today either. Health care here SUCKS. Especially if you are not made of money.

biminiblue

My ALT numbers haven't been in the normal range for 20 years - except once. I have no discernible issues because of it.

You're okay, I feel like you'll be okay anyway. At least that's what I'm praying for you to find out.

ALT numbers can do weird stuff for lots of harmless reasons.

sleepie

Why bimini?

I do not have what it takes to deal with my numbers being all over the place for years. I will die. I cannot take the stress. I was burned out on stress and ugly life circumstances a long, long time ago. I cannot live with a chronic health condition either. I already feel horrible and alienated form everyone else who gets to enjoy their lives as it is because of everything I have had to deal with.

courage2

Re meditation: Sorry sleepie, I completely respect your right to express yourself about your life, but not this. It isn't meditation's job to do anything. It's your job, if you want to benefit from meditation, teach your mind to meditate.

Re liver:

I used to be mildly anemic -- maybe still am, I'm one of those "if I just don't see a dr nothing will ever be wrong" (except for the breast cancer drs, because they have me in their vile grip, o well, and that provoked some anxiety in early recovery for me, so I DO understand scary health news in early recovery, and o, my mother died when I had 80 days -- You are NOT alone sleepie in getting unfun life events after getting sober).

Anyway, I used to give blood. So a couple of days before donating I'd stoke up on liver. Deep fried chicken livers! Heaven. I used to go to the grocery and buy a pint, and have the deli section fry them up for me & eat them hot out of the deli bag right there.

sleepie

I am not the Dali Llama. No thank you. Tried it. Doesn't agree.

I am considering just never going back and just living my own life for a change in blissful ignorance. I have been to so many doctors these last 2 years it is making my anxiety and depression 100 times worse and I cannot take it anymore. I am only human.

trachemys

I tried putting cucumber slices on my eyes but, they never made it past my mouth.

courage2

nice, trach.

Meditation for sure isn't everyone's cup of tea. I don't like to do aerobic exercise, myself, though some people swear by it. If my heart races, I think it's going to explode.

Health problems even small ones produce great anxiety and some of us are anxious people anyway. It's one day at a time, like quitting. Try to remember that if your numbers aren't crazy bad, you're not likely to die of liver disease or anemia or diabetes soon. And all those things have effective treatments, either via lifestyle or meds or both.

One more thing, sleepie -- ask around about how pleased I was with sobriety when I had 10 months. So pleased I relapsed. No one should go there. I know you won't. You're stronger than you think you are.

sleepie

A crazed homeless man came in where I got a coffee last night. He asked for a quarter so I gave him a dollar. He became angry and agitated and asked for ten. Then five. Then I had to go.

sleepie

Knowing I won't die tomorrow or that I can have expensive chronic but managable health ailments is of no comfort to me. I never got to have my day in the sun. That's what I wanted. I feel I deserved at least that much. Just one happy period in my life. Just one.

I have been mentally fooling around with using. Like maybe something not alcohol or anxiety drug related. Just something for a relief if only temporary from all of this. That is just what has been going through my mind even though the reality is I am to scared to even eat and have had only broccoli for 3 days now besides a piece of liver 2 days ago.