bellakeller

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BackToSquareOne

Hope you're back in recovery mode NC, stay strong , stay positive and never give up. The withdrawal will pass, it always does. Use the wisdom that's obvious in your posts to make better decisions going forward.

NobleCause

i have learned that the power of positive momentum should not be taken for granted - staying the course is much easier than getting on board. i thought that that one night of drinks months ago would be simply that - a night. but i have that reaction when i drink which begs more and more, so one night became a week and then it wasn't very long till i'd drunk myself hopeless, ashamed and angry. and that's a rough spot from which to enact positive change. during that time, i also became estranged from family (but of course i am in the right), moved from a big house on a leafy street to an apartment on one lined with bars, and kept a masochist's schedule in a job that, once challenging and exciting, has become a marathon of fever pitch tedium and never ending deadlines. i've screwed up my probation right and left, my best friends are no longer speaking to me, and i seem to spend more time with my lawyers than anyone else. i am alone, i am outrageously defensive always, and i am incapable of seeing the world in anything but black and white. it is fair to say that i am likely depressed. but i am not complaining. it just became easier to pacify myself with a drink than deal with any of that. i've wanted to be sober again, like a sad soul on the outside looking in, but couldn't juggle needs long enough to get it right again. until today, of course. today, day one, i am writhing and sick and angry and all of that ugly stuff, and i'm also aware that the symptoms will pass. i am toying with this theory that waiting for the impetus to change is a losing battle. heard a dude in an aa meeting say - 'bring the body and the mind will follow', or something to that effect. well, i'm giving that a shot.

apologies if that was missing your point, or way too much information, or an annoying read. i just reread this entire thread and am realizing that i have a tendency to sound like a whiny jerk when i post here, so i'm perhaps gonna lay off of posting for a while. plenty of things i need to focus on fixing in the non-virtual world anyhow. be well, you all.

Dee74

I think posting here is exactly where you need to be NC - I'd advise posting more not less.

When I came here in 07 I made a commitment to post daily - not saying you need to do that, that's just what I did.

For various reasons, I thought about not posting here after a while too - I realise now that that was me looking for a way out of the commitment I'd made because it was working for me coming here - but it was also challenging and uncomfortable at times...and a little scary.

I really hope you change your mind

D

ReadyAndAble

Whiny jerk? Hello? This is a site for people struggling with addiction. You're an alcoholic. That's not whining—that's reaching out. I think it's a way of reaching in, too, because in order to write about our actions and feelings, we first have to examine them. (And I don't know about you, but I had a serious backlog of unexamined actions and feelings.) It's good to get it out. Even the negative stuff; maybe especially the negative stuff. This recovery thing is serious business. People here get that. I keep checking in, so you must be doing something right.

And you're right: you are nothing if not persistent. Thank God for that. Because that persistence is what is going to save your life. I know the problems with work, friends, the law, and life in general seem overwhelming, but they can all be traced to one single root cause. The good news is that it means you really just have one problem to address. You do that, and the rest will undoubtedly become a whole lot easier to manage.

Congrats on Day 1. Hope to hear all about your Day 2 tomorrow.

davaidavai

You're a great writer!

NobleCause

it is difficult for me to reconcile what i've become, how i've been living, what's in my mind. and lately, posting here means confronting and revealing a reflection of myself that i'd honestly rather not see. perhaps it just seems easier to duck the mirror and slip out the back. i'm likely also a little protective of making myself accountable to anywhere or anything at this point - another failed attempt and i'm not sure that i would even be able to care anymore.

thanks, RAA. day 2 was rough, it always is. my body's been screaming for whiskey since i woke up sick in the middle of last night. i certainly made no friends today, but i did not drink.

Deserto

Glad you're back, NobleCause.

Yeah, but that's how you'll become better friends with the most important person of all -- yourself.

Sorry if that sounds a little cheesy -- I know it does. But I'm really happy for you.

soberlicious

This has been huge for me...momentum. It works both ways and I don't have to tell you that the negative momentum seems to have a life of it's own. Logically then it follows the same is true with positive momentum. Let the momentum of even one tiny success carry you onto to another tiny success and let the momentum pull you along. Each time the momentum is broken by drinking, the pull downward begins anew.

I have heard you say more than once that it's just easier to drink, or just easier to duck out than deal. It is not easier. It is very clearly not easier. Don't confuse "easier" with "familiar". New patterns are not "harder", they are just not familiar, therefore often uncomfortable. Continually effing up seemed easier for me in the past because I knew how to do that and did it well. In reality, it's waaaay easier now. I have no worries about what I've done while drinking, job security, losing my kids, being able to pay my bills, having friendships...so much easier. Even through tough times, and life guarantees plenty of those, it is easier to deal without a muddled up booze soaked brain. A certain pride and confidence came with taking charge of my life.

You don't sound whiny at all to me. Please keep posting. If your writing during these struggling times has the impact it does on so many, just imagine the inspiration your sober self will bring to others. I, for one, have complete faith that you can do this and do it once and for all. Don't underestimate yourself.

ReadyAndAble

Good to see you, NC. Hope the new day is going well.

Soberlicious is right, sobriety is much easier than active alcoholism. And was I ever "active." I was physically, intellectually, and emotionally exhausted. Just completely spent. I've read enough to know you're there too. What you're feeling—the thing you want to duck from—isn't sobriety. It's the fallout from years of abusing yourself. Sobriety is what will, little by little, wash those feelings away and make you whole again.

BackToSquareOne

Great posts soberlicious + readyandable. The life of an active alcoholic is not easier in any way form or manner, it sucks every semblance of peace of mind and joy out of your life and leaves you with a shell of a being filled with remorse, anxiety, depression and an unquenchable thirst for the brief period of solace that alcohol provides. It's kind of ironic that you only seek out the alcohol to get a brief respite from all the misery that the alcohol brought into your life.

NC, do you notice that people on here don't even know you but they like you because of the honesty in your posts. Face it, you're an awesome woman who just needs to rediscover that she doesn't need to be a slave to a substance to bring joy into her life. The gifts of peace of mind and joy were always a part of your being, they're just waiting for you to reclaim them!

NobleCause

i know i swore off the whining, but i'm at the teeth clenching phase of the craving and i'm having a hard time keeping up my stoicism. it's all familiar territory, yet somehow the magnitude and force of the inner revolt that mounts against the booze drought still shocks (as it does every time). i'm a bit better than i was yesterday, so i've got that going, but as the head clears and life comes in to sharper focus, well, that's when real courage is called upon. i have no doubt that sober life isn't less complicated or unpleasant in the long run than an actively alcoholic one, my challenge is in continuing to see thru the current moment where soft focus, subjective reality, and a drink is unquestionably the easier (in the sense of less resistance and discomfort) way. i've got a habit of getting caught in moments.

thanks all for the encouragement. it was a helpful way to start the weekend.

ReadyAndAble

I know it's hard to get over that hump—that's why so many people keep falling back down. But you have to remember that this is just the stage you go through to get to the other side. It will pass. This will all be a memory. Keep your eyes on the prize—your future. Remember the horrors behind you, too. You've been through worse than this. You can do this. If you turn back, you'll only find more horrors, and then have to go through this all over again.

I think it was Churchill who said that when you find yourself going through hell, keep moving.

Deserto

I there's a logical connection between these two sentences. Stoicism (or white-knuckling it) rarely works for long. So maybe some additional techniques could help.

Have you tried any AVRT techniques, or urge surfing? Here's some links that Dee has shared that might help:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3159594

Hoping some of this helps. I'm not a particularly New Age person but I found the book The Tao of Sobriety to be really helpful as well -- particularly for when those urges come barreling into our brains like a freight train.

Keep it up! It gets easier.

soberlicious

I agree, stoicism is not necessary or helpful. Deserto and Dee's links and recommendations are great. There are other ways to deal with urges/cravings...sounds wierd not to fight them, but give that stuff a look. It has worked for me.

freethinking

What has helped me to get back on the wagon, when I was feeling totally hopeless about my odds due to the amount of times I had drank again after swearing I never would, was to embrace the mindset that the past or present doesn't really exist. the only thing that exists is the very present. Right now. yes, I guess it sounds sort of acid-trippy, but the future and past are really irrelevant. Don't focus on anything but right now. Right now, you know why you don't want to drink. It's irrelevant how many times you've fallen off the wagon. Right now, you don't want to drink, and you won't. Right now is all you have, the rest is just in your head.

tomdecel

Sorry but not me. If all that I had to worry was the immediate moment, I would have continued drinking. It was the actual promise of tomorrow that pushed me over that initial misery when I did quit. Knowing in my mind, in my eyes and in my hearth that the quality of my tomorrows were directly affected by my quitting.

freethinking

Clearly, I meant this in the sense of worrying about the past or stressing about the future. He seems to be struggling with this past bender, and I am trying to share the mindset that helped me escape the mentality of "Look at what I have done and how many times I have done it, how can I possibly ever really achieve long lasting sobriety?". It's really hard to move forward when you feel locked into looking at your recent past actions. It's hard to explain, but at times I have had to pretend the past truly did not exist in order to move forward. And who knows, maybe it didn't ever really exist...

Dee74

Stoicism never really got me anywhere - all I did was inevitably wear myself down, get tired, and drink again.

Reaching out for support, even tho it was the last thing I wanted to do at the time, was the way forward for me, NC.

And I realise people have different views on this, but I'll add trying to focus on the day really helped me too.

I spent an inordinate amount of my time and energy in the past and the future, regretting what I'd done or worrying about what might be coming.

That energy was better spent on action in the 'now' IMO.
D

NobleCause

thanks all for the tips/links. made it thru some rough spots last night using the mindfulness "surfing" approach, and then finally just forced myself to sleep. sometimes sleep is all you got.

woke up today feeling downright decent however, sorta grateful, perhaps even a bit nervously optimistic... then paced the apartment for 3 hours stuck in a panic about how much fixing my life needs. mindfulness again, and now i'm trying to avoid comparisons and employ a 'day by day' frame of mind. reached out to a triathlete buddy i used to train with, one of the few souls it seems i haven't estranged in the past few months, and set up a running date for this evening. i'm wholly unprepared, but i figured it's time to start to join the human race and non-verbal bonding's about my speed right now.