Originally Posted by
Nirvana1 
I have been following your thread from day one. One question that I have for you is what in your life is different now than when you had 6 months sober?
I guess I'm wondering if the initial detox period is more difficult this time or if there is something else keeping you from doing what you did to have that much sober time before?
i have learned that the power of positive momentum should not be taken for granted - staying the course is much easier than getting on board. i thought that that one night of drinks months ago would be simply that - a night. but i have that reaction when i drink which begs more and more, so one night became a week and then it wasn't very long till i'd drunk myself hopeless, ashamed and angry. and that's a rough spot from which to enact positive change. during that time, i also became estranged from family (but of course i am in the right), moved from a big house on a leafy street to an apartment on one lined with bars, and kept a masochist's schedule in a job that, once challenging and exciting, has become a marathon of fever pitch tedium and never ending deadlines. i've screwed up my probation right and left, my best friends are no longer speaking to me, and i seem to spend more time with my lawyers than anyone else. i am alone, i am outrageously defensive always, and i am incapable of seeing the world in anything but black and white. it is fair to say that i am likely depressed. but i am not complaining. it just became easier to pacify myself with a drink than deal with any of that. i've wanted to be sober again, like a sad soul on the outside looking in, but couldn't juggle needs long enough to get it right again. until today, of course. today, day one, i am writhing and sick and angry and all of that ugly stuff, and i'm also aware that the symptoms will pass. i am toying with this theory that waiting for the impetus to change is a losing battle. heard a dude in an aa meeting say - 'bring the body and the mind will follow', or something to that effect. well, i'm giving that a shot.
apologies if that was missing your point, or way too much information, or an annoying read. i just reread this entire thread and am realizing that i have a tendency to sound like a whiny jerk when i post here, so i'm perhaps gonna lay off of posting for a while. plenty of things i need to focus on fixing in the non-virtual world anyhow. be well, you all.