xxzzfile

For me the answer was to feel the feelings. Not fight the feelings. I had to finally go through a lot of bad events without picking up a drink. Sure it hurt like hell. Each event made me a little stronger.

NobleCause

it's going. haven't picked up. things have been pretty heavy in the life changes category this week, both good and not so, so i've gotten some opportunities to practice accepting life on life's terms sans escape. turns out that's not my specialty. i'm far from graceful in handling emotions and communication, i'm prone to overwhelm, and in moments of defeat i find myself looking for an out and yearning for a drink in the deepest way. but i've been able to squeak thru by reminding myself that a drink is not a drink - a drink is a bender or more that will only make things worse. and in spite of my occasional apathy, i really do want to make things better. it's been encouraging to find that within some of the tougher moments i've also found little bolts of affirmation - the startling realization that this, for all of its intensity and stress and confusion and pain, is what it's like to show up, front and center, to my own life, chin up and eyes open, rather than blacking out and passing out in the next room.

@Ollie909: never been a writer and doubt it's in the cards for me, but thank you for the kind words. blathering on to the extent i do about my wretched soul feels painfully self indulgent at times - happy at least to know that it's not punishing for you to read.

NobleCause

And now for a test - in the morning i'll be heading back out for a week of hotel minibars, airport lounges, and cocktail hour meetings. The last trip was such a disaster that it's impossible to not be apprehensive about being back in the scene and banded to colleagues of the drinking variety. Earlier tonite, I became so convinced that it was inevitable that I was going to fail and pick up, that I began to talk myself into getting a drink tonite to break the seal and ease the disappointment later on. Thankfully, I recognized the insanity of that logic and did not. I'm cautiously optimistic that this will all be ok.

Ollie909

I love your optimism and logic. Enjoy yourself and have a wonderful week.
Tell me how it went when you get back. OK. Until then. Talk soon

NobleCause

Crawling back once again, this time thru the fallout of a bad freak-out black out resulting from an attempt at controlled drinking. Not sure what I'm doing anymore, actually I don't suppose I ever did, but I've caused enough chaos lately to know that I need to change some stuff pretty quickly, pretty drastically. To that end, I made a deal with myself the last time, and, having called my own bluff in a pretty big way, have decided to follow thru with AA, at least for the short term. It's not my favorite reality, but in my gut it feels like the responsible, necessary thing to do, and I'm beginning to think I might not make it if I continue trying to prove that my way works. I found a meeting to hit on Friday as soon as I'm back in town, til then I'm laying low and working on keeping an open mind. We'll see.

Nirvana1

I'm happy to hear that you keep giving sobriety a shot. Getting sober was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it has also given me a life I would have never imagined. It has been the ultimate payoff for hard work, and I wish you all the success that has been given to many people who have put in the work.

Dee74

sounds good NC - certainly worth a try

D

peaceful1

Hi NC,

I'm kinda new here, so sometimes I don't feel "qualified" to respond to people who are struggling with their addictions. However I do know what it feels like to constantly let myself down by listening to that little voice in the head...It makes you feel so low, so helpless.

That little voice is not who you are, you are so much more than that! The less we identify with the thoughts in our head, the stronger we become. Little by little that voice grows weaker and we become stronger. Don't give up.......I know you can do this!

BackToSquareOne

Hang in there NC, you have the desire, you know that the notion "I'll control it this time" is a thought that gets vaporized as soon as alcohol enters your bloodstream. For me, my best intentions didn't mean a thing once booze entered the picture. Don't be hard on yourself, look forward not back, you know what doesn't work so let go of those things and keep searching for something that will work. Give AA a shot, it's a battle you can win!

Ollie909

Yes, NC keep the open mind. I hope to hear, after your meeting or before, that something was said that you were not thinking about. A blind side catalyst. A big Wow, that begins a new mind set delivering you away from the addiction downspout.
I know some. There entire lives just managing. There not very happy, by the way

NobleCause

what i like about aa: i fit in perfectly. what i dislike about aa: i fit in perfectly.

tho i haven't yet squared all of the intellectual & philosophical conflicts that aa kicks up in my mind, being there felt helpful. and it also helped keep me sober thru a weekend of blistering urges that spun my head back thru the normal paces (maybe i'm not, maybe i can have two, i'll start again tomorrow, i probably won't get caught, it's been a long week, etc, etc, etc)... i think the plan for now is to keep going.

ReadyAndAble

Good job, NC. Do whatever it takes. Lots of things about recovery are not an ideal fit for me... but if it's a choice between that and being a drunk, it's a no-brainer, you know? Take what you need and leave the rest, as the saying goes.

NobleCause

Agreed. I never thought I'd say this, but it feels sorta good to stop trying to figure all this out in my head. I tend to challenge every direction in life that I am given, but this time around I'm doing my best to give that a rest, and instead to just say less, listen more, and be grateful for the guidance.

NobleCause

not too much left to say. i've been doing court for a lawsuit related to my dui, and, in a fit of exasperated depression-stress-rage-exhaustion, i found my way into the mini bar in my office a few days ago. life seemed unpleasant enough to warrant a break, and the irony of it all eluded me in the moment. tonite, knee deep in cheap scotch and tom waits albums, i am the cliche before the storm. yet another faceplant, would be downright comical at this point if it weren't also pathetic.

back to aa next week, little hope that anything will work at this point, but this time i'll raise my hand, find a sponsor, try to engage. seems to get harder each time that i quit. would be nice to just be done with it.

Dee74

if 20 years taught me anything it's that drinking only serves to make things more unpleasant NC.

You've got to be in it to win it NC...it really boils down to that I think.
Cliche or not...nothing changes if nothing changes.

I really want to see you do this.
Do follow up with the sponsor - what have you got to lose but some misery?

D

NobleCause

for much of this week, i've listened to testimony and stared down the most compelling examples imaginable of the misery and destruction that my drinking has caused. i know that drinking makes nothing better, i know what it's cost, and i hate myself for doing it. sometimes tho, it is the only thing that makes sense to me.

you are correct, i am not in it to win it tonite. i am nearly a fifth in and i imagine the weekend will also be a lost cause. but i will return to aa soon. soon as i can muster the motivation and a few sober hours.

Dee74

when it's the only thing you know to do, I think naturally it's the only thing that makes sense.

You can;t learn new skills by doing the same old thing NC.

It's making those different choices and not drinking - learning to deal with stuff sober, reaching out for support before not after, getting through incident by incident, trigger by trigger and step by step that's the key to moving forward I think

The longer you avoid action the deeper the hole you dig NC.
The weekend is only a lost cause if you decide it is.

What about really making a bold stroke and making a different choice right now - why not make tomorrow day one?

D

soberlicious

It is so sad to me reading this thread. It's like watching a life waste away before me right on the screen.

Put the bottle down and give yourself the chance to be the woman you want to be.

NobleCause

Right? Imagine how much it's sucked for me to live it. Reached the end of my rope today and wound up in a pretty bad spot, so......

New attempt at a happy ending: tomorrow will be Day One. Again. But for the last time. (I'm nothing if not persistent.)

Nirvana1

I have been following your thread from day one. One question that I have for you is what in your life is different now than when you had 6 months sober?

I guess I'm wondering if the initial detox period is more difficult this time or if there is something else keeping you from doing what you did to have that much sober time before?

I don't want to sound prying or anything but maybe you can find the tools that worked before and just follow that same path to sobriety?