Once More Unto The Breach
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
NC, as you go back into a recovery phase keep in mind the mechanics of the whole thing so that you understand why it may take some time to get back to some semblance of awesome again. Drugs, alcohol, all the chemicals of abuse directly or indirectly target the brains reward system by flooding the circuit with dopamine. Therein lies the problem in that most things in day to day life including the simple pleasures can't come close to the effects of the chemical stimulation so it's quite normal that you'll want to whack the receptors with the alcohol stimulation to rekindle those feelings.
It took me a few years to actually find pleasure in the simple things again after decades of the instant gratification the chemicals provided. Most people get back to normal a lot quicker but it will take time for your brain chemistry to adjust. The cravings are normal and they will subside and eventually stop.
Her's a good version of the song you mentioned above : Peggy Lee - Is That All There Is (Original Stereo) - YouTube
Add another verse to it : "if that's all there is to booze... then it's a habit I gotta lose"
Guess that's why I'm not a songwriter...
It took me a few years to actually find pleasure in the simple things again after decades of the instant gratification the chemicals provided. Most people get back to normal a lot quicker but it will take time for your brain chemistry to adjust. The cravings are normal and they will subside and eventually stop.
Her's a good version of the song you mentioned above : Peggy Lee - Is That All There Is (Original Stereo) - YouTube
Add another verse to it : "if that's all there is to booze... then it's a habit I gotta lose"
Guess that's why I'm not a songwriter...
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Yesterday's planned taper took off in the late morning and throughout the day & night developed into a bit more of a blowout than intended - a final gut rotting, head splitting, mortifying, dangerous, raging black out binge to break the door down for Day 1. Dragging myself back home this morning, my only comfort was the thought that this can be it, that this doesn't have to happen again. I don't look forward to sweating out the next few days, but damn do I look forward to waking up like a normal person with some regularity again. Anyhow, here's to Day 1 - sick, tired, bruised, sheepish, humble, and nervous, but sober.
Thanks for the link, BTSO, that's the very version that was kicking around in my head.
Thanks for the link, BTSO, that's the very version that was kicking around in my head.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
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NC,
I have been busy with a new job and was not aware you were having difficulties...otherwise I would have offered my support and am so sorry you relapsed...though some do not make it back...please do not let that be you. Glad you are here at SR getting support. It took several relapses for me too...the good news is you/we never have to go out and drink ever again.
I have been busy with a new job and was not aware you were having difficulties...otherwise I would have offered my support and am so sorry you relapsed...though some do not make it back...please do not let that be you. Glad you are here at SR getting support. It took several relapses for me too...the good news is you/we never have to go out and drink ever again.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by Dee74 
the annoying question is - what are you going to do different this time?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
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Hey, NC, I hope you're getting some rest. Have you considered any other programs, or seeing an addictions counselor? Meditating and physical training sound like excellent ideas. I think I'm sober today because every time I relapsed, I would add something new to the mix, until I found the right combination for me. I guess we all have our own secret code to crack. I hope you unlock yours. 
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I tried a lot of times, just trying...I really was sincere.
The problem was, for me, I think, I just didn't do anything *new* each time...
I had the same drinking friends, and never thought about making new ones...
I had no coping skills with life or strong emotion (stress, boredom, anger, fear, joy) apart from drinking or getting high....and I never thought at all about developing those skills for myself.
When I look back, my relapses were as certain as the sun rising again in the sky.
I really hope what you're doing is enough NC - but if you can search your heart and know it's not, I hope you'll add something to the mix.
There's a lot at stake.
D
The problem was, for me, I think, I just didn't do anything *new* each time...
I had the same drinking friends, and never thought about making new ones...
I had no coping skills with life or strong emotion (stress, boredom, anger, fear, joy) apart from drinking or getting high....and I never thought at all about developing those skills for myself.
When I look back, my relapses were as certain as the sun rising again in the sky.
I really hope what you're doing is enough NC - but if you can search your heart and know it's not, I hope you'll add something to the mix.
There's a lot at stake.
D
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
Originally Posted by NobleCause
to be honest, i'm not entirely sure what i'll do differently this time, other than to just not drink. for the short term, i'm planning on keeping myself out of the line of fire by avoiding entirely the parties and drinkers that have been filling up my life lately... otherwise, my plan is to be as productive as possible and use my spare time to meditate, train for a triathlon, and get some of the practical matters of my life back in order a bit. i have very conflicted thoughts about aa, but trying to stay open to revisiting the idea of attending if it seems that things aren't working out my way...
I'm glad you're back and wish you the best of luck - take care of yourself over the next few days especially.
I was going to ask the same question as Dee, more or less. As I recall, the last time you quit (before your relapse) you 'tapered' as well. But now the tapering is over and you are on day 1.
NC, I already think all of what you posted above is a 'plan' (and I like it). Especially the part about not going to the parties and hanging with the drinkers - based on your posts, this seems to be where you get into trouble.
Great ideas too for the training, the meditation and sorting the practical stuff.
Dee is right though, my impression is that there is something more that gives along the way for you - maybe try to find out what it is and address it, and indeed add something new to your recipe?
And remember - if alcohol never crosses your lips, you cannot get into trouble. So keep 'swatting them away' ;-) Simple but not easy. Also, not impossible. You have done it before. For 5 months, at least on the last occasion, so you CAN do this. Find what's missing - if you can't just do something different, align your resouces and go for it. I have every faith.
Very glad you are back and thinking of you - please take care, once again.
BB
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Grunting through the day two blues, sweaty, sick, shaky and full of want. The cravings roll in and out like waves, and there's not much peace of mind, but I'm hobbling thru with profuse amounts of green tea and the mantra 'no condition is permanent'.
I'll concede that the change called for this time around is likely more radical than I've planned. I've adopted a new seriousness, partially fear based, as a result of the past month, and feel a bit more mature about sobriety this time around. That said, I also understand that scaring myself straight isn't on its own a sustainable roadmap for success - were that the case, I'd likely have a decade of clean time. Truthfully, there's a part of me that recognizes how deeply engrained my habits and instincts are and doubts I'll ever change - it would be ridiculous of me at this point not to feel that way at least in part. Dee and the others kind of called it on the coping skills, etc. - I'm pretty sharp, but I've got nothing whatsoever in the way of that sort of thing. I'm toying with the idea of seeing an addictions counselor - something I've done before, tho not honestly (relapsed about 2 weeks into it and drank daily for months but never came clean as I didn't want the counselor to be disappointed. Real normal, eh....). Am thinking perhaps it would help to work some real life accountability into the plan. At any rate, it's a good point that you all have raised, and I'm keeping it in mind as I map things out. For now, just breathing and focusing on finishing out the nite on the straight and narrow.
I'll concede that the change called for this time around is likely more radical than I've planned. I've adopted a new seriousness, partially fear based, as a result of the past month, and feel a bit more mature about sobriety this time around. That said, I also understand that scaring myself straight isn't on its own a sustainable roadmap for success - were that the case, I'd likely have a decade of clean time. Truthfully, there's a part of me that recognizes how deeply engrained my habits and instincts are and doubts I'll ever change - it would be ridiculous of me at this point not to feel that way at least in part. Dee and the others kind of called it on the coping skills, etc. - I'm pretty sharp, but I've got nothing whatsoever in the way of that sort of thing. I'm toying with the idea of seeing an addictions counselor - something I've done before, tho not honestly (relapsed about 2 weeks into it and drank daily for months but never came clean as I didn't want the counselor to be disappointed. Real normal, eh....). Am thinking perhaps it would help to work some real life accountability into the plan. At any rate, it's a good point that you all have raised, and I'm keeping it in mind as I map things out. For now, just breathing and focusing on finishing out the nite on the straight and narrow.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
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Hi NobleCause.
Thank you for your postings. I've been following along. You are getting so much support
from the best. I've been reading S/R post for almost a year now. What I do know from you is, you really do want out of this. My only offering right now is, when you really want out of this, there will come that day.
Thank you for your postings. I've been following along. You are getting so much support
from the best. I've been reading S/R post for almost a year now. What I do know from you is, you really do want out of this. My only offering right now is, when you really want out of this, there will come that day.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
about 8 hours after my last post things got quite a bit sicker and crazier. i drank. going on a week later, i'm still drinking, tho sticking to maintenance levels, aka, no more than a half of a fifth on any single day. some last minute stuff came up with work the morning after i cracked, so since then i've been flying around the country and staying in swank hotels dripping in cocktails, but hiding at night from the raucous scenes on the street below and drinking just the bare minimum to keep my hands steady, my stomach settled and my mood docile. at times i've had to hide my drinking completely because of the company i've been in (colleagues who believe me to be/need me to be sober), and so i've gotten to be a pro at liquor runs to the bathroom stalls, waking early to find one round before we meet for breakfast, and feigning the need for an afternoon nap back in my room. they sense me as 'off', i'm crying jetlag and allergies. it's an absurd life. i can't stop immediately as an airplane or a hotel in a strange city are terrible places to detox in, but i will try again soon. actually, i won't try. i'll just do it. till then, i'll be excusing myself early and sneaking into the next room to find the stash i hid earlier to slam a quick one to stay functional and keep from crawling up the walls. joke of a life.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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I'm sorry to read this NC.
The thing is there's never a good time to quit.
I realise jobs, airplanes, hotels are complications but every day you keep drinking you're in real danger of losing all that anyway - and a lot more besides.
The only way to get out of the hole is to stop digging, NC.
D
The thing is there's never a good time to quit.
I realise jobs, airplanes, hotels are complications but every day you keep drinking you're in real danger of losing all that anyway - and a lot more besides.
The only way to get out of the hole is to stop digging, NC.
D
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by Dee74
The only way to get out of the hole is to stop digging, NC.
you all have given me amazing amounts of support, advice, and guidance - there's really not much else i can ask for. i've got to make the next leap, find a way to reach out perhaps, and then do something radically different. i don't know how or when or what exactly that will look like, but i know it's gotta happen soon.
(apologies if the 'i'll quit tomorrow' sentiment is becoming a bit of a broken record. my intentions are always good, i swear.)
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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no, I understand...the train analogy is a good one...
once you start drinking to function, you're in a bind...it really is a vicious cycle...need to function...need to drink...drinking impairs function....
Breakdown of that situation is inevitable, really.
I'd much rather choose to break the cycle deliberately than have it forced upon me, as was in my case.
make that next leap NC
D
once you start drinking to function, you're in a bind...it really is a vicious cycle...need to function...need to drink...drinking impairs function....
Breakdown of that situation is inevitable, really.
I'd much rather choose to break the cycle deliberately than have it forced upon me, as was in my case.
make that next leap NC
D
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Scotland
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by NobleCause
about 8 hours after my last post things got quite a bit sicker and crazier. i drank. going on a week later, i'm still drinking, tho sticking to maintenance levels, aka, no more than a half of a fifth on any single day. some last minute stuff came up with work the morning after i cracked, so since then i've been flying around the country and staying in swank hotels dripping in cocktails, but hiding at night from the raucous scenes on the street below and drinking just the bare minimum to keep my hands steady, my stomach settled and my mood docile. at times i've had to hide my drinking completely because of the company i've been in (colleagues who believe me to be/need me to be sober), and so i've gotten to be a pro at liquor runs to the bathroom stalls, waking early to find one round before we meet for breakfast, and feigning the need for an afternoon nap back in my room. they sense me as 'off', i'm crying jetlag and allergies. it's an absurd life. i can't stop immediately as an airplane or a hotel in a strange city are terrible places to detox in, but i will try again soon. actually, i won't try. i'll just do it. till then, i'll be excusing myself early and sneaking into the next room to find the stash i hid earlier to slam a quick one to stay functional and keep from crawling up the walls. joke of a life.
Easier said than done i know, i wish you all the best (and everyone else on this site).
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
NC, when I drank it was always an effort to recapture the initial feeling, the warm glow, the relief from inhibitions, freedom from stress or worry, the brief "feel good" state that a few drinks always delivered. The feeling never lasted though, it took more and more alcohol just to feel any semblance of normal once I lit the fuse. As soon as the booze starts to wear off your brain goes into a state of hypervigilance, now the stimuli really come pouring in and your body and mind cry out for more alcohol to calm things down and your back on the merry-go-round again and again. Without exception I always wound up feeling many times worse than before I started. You can get off the merry-go-round but the only way to do that is to just never light the fuse in the first place.
When it's all said and done it all boil down to acceptance, that what is, is and that's OK. However you feel just accept that that's what is and you don't need to try to change that with alcohol or anything else. Life is not easy nor is it fair, it just is. Don't know if this makes any sense but it all really does start with acceptance on so many levels. Get off the train before it crashes NC and find your missing pieces of the puzzle, it will be worth the effort!
When it's all said and done it all boil down to acceptance, that what is, is and that's OK. However you feel just accept that that's what is and you don't need to try to change that with alcohol or anything else. Life is not easy nor is it fair, it just is. Don't know if this makes any sense but it all really does start with acceptance on so many levels. Get off the train before it crashes NC and find your missing pieces of the puzzle, it will be worth the effort!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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while sneaking away for a few quick drinks this afternoon, it occurred to me how much i hate this, and how much i am growing to hate myself. i'm a vacuous caricature, detached from everything & everyone by virtue of all of the lies, and fundamentally incapable of caring about anything more than I care about a trapdoor and a bottle in the next room. not to mention drunk all the time. god knows who's noticed, there have been comments. i tell myself that i'm just doing what i need to to get by, but really i'm going down fast with full complicity in the deal. clearly, it's time to get a grip. tomorrow i'll be home and the drinking ends, no exceptions. if i waver even once, i will start treatment with an addiction counselor. if that doesn't work, i'll go to aa. if i still can't keep it together, i'll do inpatient. i am really ready to be done with this. tomorrow it is.
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