Once More Unto The Breach
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by noblecause
i'm a vacuous caricature, detached from everything & everyone by virtue of all of the lies,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Good for you, NC. I know exactly what you mean about feeling detached from everyone. I could be talking with someone about the weather, and I felt like I was playing a role. Acting one way, while feeling another. Protecting my secret. It was exhausting and demoralizing. I'm glad to hear you're open to getting some help. You can do it. You don't have to ever go through this again. Get as much rest as you can. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
I wish you the best of luck for tomorrow and I fully agree with soberlicious - you are better than this.
Please keep us posted.
Thanks for your post,
BB
The feeling I always had was that I was living but not really alive. Going through the motions of the task at hand to keep up appearances, to keep the charade alive to the extent necessary to keep my addiction satisified. Problem of course is that you can only keep the pretense going so long, it will eventually blow up...it always does.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Prayers for you NC.
I am hoping tomorrow is your day.
Maybe consider calling the AA hotline in your area, and asking for a sober member to contact you. Go to a meeting tomorrow. Get a sponsor. Read the book daily. Call others daily. Get out of the house daily. Get in the middle of recovered people. Create a strong network of sober people around you that will care about your sobriety.
I had this idea versus the "I'll look into AA if I fail" approach.
Quote...Noble Cause: "if that doesn't work, i'll go to aa."
Just skip that idea, and go straight for the help.
This is too hard to do alone, and we don't have to do it alone. We are the ones that self imprison. This is a disease of isolationism. Take action to save your life. I'll be thinking of you.
I am hoping tomorrow is your day.
Maybe consider calling the AA hotline in your area, and asking for a sober member to contact you. Go to a meeting tomorrow. Get a sponsor. Read the book daily. Call others daily. Get out of the house daily. Get in the middle of recovered people. Create a strong network of sober people around you that will care about your sobriety.
I had this idea versus the "I'll look into AA if I fail" approach.
Quote...Noble Cause: "if that doesn't work, i'll go to aa."
Just skip that idea, and go straight for the help.
This is too hard to do alone, and we don't have to do it alone. We are the ones that self imprison. This is a disease of isolationism. Take action to save your life. I'll be thinking of you.
The feeling I always had was that I was living but not really alive. Going through the motions of the task at hand to keep up appearances, to keep the charade alive to the extent necessary to keep my addiction satisified. Problem of course is that you can only keep the pretense going so long, it will eventually blow up...it always does.
while sneaking away for a few quick drinks this afternoon, it occurred to me how much i hate this, and how much i am growing to hate myself. i'm a vacuous caricature, detached from everything & everyone by virtue of all of the lies, and fundamentally incapable of caring about anything more than I care about a trapdoor and a bottle in the next room. not to mention drunk all the time.
NC,
I have been lurking here off and on since my relapse about two years ago (coincidentally after 5 months of being sober as well).
I was morbidly enthralled while reading this thread and about your struggles, because you are me. I know it is often said in these forums, but I could have written your posts (albeit probably not nearly as well).
Same struggle to keep up appearances, same maintenance drinking just to get by when I can't get drunk, same obsession, same lies, same fear of withdrawals, same blackout weekends etc, etc...
Your post that I quoted above, along with RAA and BTSO's quotes really hit home hard and true.
I wish you luck, I will be thinking about you. Perhaps there's hope for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
it's a distant, hidden life, stealth & duplicitous, with the rest of the world always an arm's length away. not surprisingly, in the past month and a half i've often found myself most lonely when in the presence of others. and so as much as i know intellectually that my struggles with drinking aren't original and that there are others in this world who can relate, it seems to be the nature of this thing, particularly now, on day 1, to make me feel utterly lost, rootless, insane and alone. thanks for your comments Sphalerite/Soberlicious/ReadyAndAble/Beebizzy/BTSO - they've made me feel a little bit less those things tonite.
24 hours are almost under the belt. i managed my way thru an airport lounge, a long flight with beverage carts piled high with those mini stoli bottles that call out like sirens, and through many rounds of vacillation courtesy of my mind's wavering conviction. i feel god-awful and i've got an itch that's desperate for scratching, but i'm sober. tomorrow i'll take a deep breath and do it again.
24 hours are almost under the belt. i managed my way thru an airport lounge, a long flight with beverage carts piled high with those mini stoli bottles that call out like sirens, and through many rounds of vacillation courtesy of my mind's wavering conviction. i feel god-awful and i've got an itch that's desperate for scratching, but i'm sober. tomorrow i'll take a deep breath and do it again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
That itch isn't you—it's the addiction. The addiction is trying to bring you back in, whispering in your ear, trying to engage you in a debate over whether one drink might help, or whether maybe just say eff it and try again next week, or maybe next month, when conditions will somehow be magically better. Don't listen to that voice. Don't argue with it. Just ignore it—go for a walk, eat a big meal, read newcomer posts on SR—do whatever you have to do until it subsides.
They are just feelings. They will come, and they will also go. You don't have to act on them.
You can do this. One day this will all be a memory. A better life is waiting for you.
They are just feelings. They will come, and they will also go. You don't have to act on them.
You can do this. One day this will all be a memory. A better life is waiting for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
I have friends who try to bargain with me, promising to babysit me if I'll party with them, and obviously not understanding that the party doesn't just stop once they clock out. It's not an issue of them sabotaging my sobriety, it's an issue of them trying to be inclusive and knowing I can be a trainwreck when drinking without a handler, but not getting fully the totality of what it means to be alcoholic.
:ghug3
totally get this.
I posted a few weeks back about a person who begged me to sip wine in a businessy-social situation. I think i was 10? 12? days sober at the time. fewer days than today (which is 40 days) (did people wander the desert this long carrying only matzoh? I digress...) I had only a few tools at the time but really started to notice how others react when I say I don't drink, or no. My friends or acquaintances think i'm "fun" but I did notice that once they got drunker, and i stayed sober, they started to annoy me. And that's my crapola. they weren't doing anything wrong. But it definitely showed me i have a long way to go before i feel comfortable in social situations. blech.
Incidentally, I also watched one woman nurse a beer for over an hour. How does she DO that?!?!?! I have no idea.
Anyway, I really get this. My last drunk, it's not something anybody else did. simultaneously, those who are not alcoholic do not understand what it means to feel or be alcoholic, because they aren't alcoholics while drunk or dry. they mean no harm when they encourage a drink. the challenge is with us to be "fit" - sometimes we falter but we keep trying and the only other people who get it are....other alcoholics.
My last drunk happened within a split second after I was determined to not drink at all. But when one person I like a lot walked by me and said, simply "Glass of wine?" I said yes and it took me to my knees. Pretty grateful for it, actually. Because now i'm here.
NC, you are such a wonderful writer.
welcome back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
day 2, when the fun begins. simultaneously restless & exhausted, i'm an unslept, hyper sensitive, sweaty, puking, scatterbrained mess. one minute brings sunshine soaked epiphanies, angels, harps and absolute joy for sobriety, in the next i'm panicked and paranoid and the mind schemes for relief… 'why do this?' the chatter says, 'no really, why go thru this, i mean seriously, whattaya trying to prove here? everyone's an alcoholic, you just find your way to keep it under the radar like they do and carry on.' it is no wonder my head is pounding.
but all of this is just part of the deal, and this madness will pass as long as i just grow the eff up and do what i need to do here. day 3, i'm looking at you now.
but all of this is just part of the deal, and this madness will pass as long as i just grow the eff up and do what i need to do here. day 3, i'm looking at you now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Good for you, NC. Let the voice say what it wants; you are in control. You know what you want and why you are doing this. Most of all you know where that drink leads.
From this vantage point, you look a helluva lot better than you did a few days ago. Day 3 is yours for the taking!
i'm an unslept, hyper sensitive, sweaty, puking, scatterbrained mess.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
You know this already but; alcohol causes what you are going through. It doesn't solve it. I know it sounds trite, cliched and doesn't remotely hit the spot of what you are feeling right now. Nevertheless, slightly annoyingly, it's true.
You rock, and you will rock day 3 like you did days 1 & 2.
I'm thinking of you. Looking forward to hearing more about how you are getting on.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
still a sick mess, and my mind's an absolute minefield today… but the death glaze is starting to fade from my eyes and things are looking a bit clearer. shuddering at the recklessness and close calls of the past forty plus days, i am both shocked and wildly grateful to be alive and free. earlier today i cancelled all of my plans for the weekend when it occurred to me that even if i'm well enough to leave the house then, i'll likely not be well enough to weather a party with an open bar. time to go underground for awhile. baby steps onward to day 4. thank you all for your support, you guys are awesome.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 192
In my opinion you shouldn't feel so bad at having gotten drunk because think of all the sober time you had and will have in the future...the odd slip up won't kill you, just do your darndest to make sure you never drink and if it happens once in a blue moon then so what.
It's not a competition for sober time here.
It's not a competition for sober time here.
So glad to hear you are sober after that ghastly business trip.
This gave me a sad smile because it was so like myself:
"if i waver even once, i will start treatment with an addiction counselor. if that doesn't work, i'll go to aa. if i still can't keep it together, i'll do inpatient."
This is a bit like saying:
"I have a serious illness. I am going to try operating on myself in the kitchen with a butter knife and paper towels for backup. If that doesn't work, I will seek help."
Why not just get some help now??? I am rooting for you today.
This gave me a sad smile because it was so like myself:
"if i waver even once, i will start treatment with an addiction counselor. if that doesn't work, i'll go to aa. if i still can't keep it together, i'll do inpatient."
This is a bit like saying:
"I have a serious illness. I am going to try operating on myself in the kitchen with a butter knife and paper towels for backup. If that doesn't work, I will seek help."
Why not just get some help now??? I am rooting for you today.
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