ReadyAndAble

I don't think it always works that way. I believe that for some of us, even the odd slip is like a pull of the trigger in Russian roulette. You never know if the next pull is going to be your last. For some of us, there simply is no middle ground, no blue moon. It's either never drink again, or drink ourselves to death.

I saw you posted elsewhere today, NC. You sound better. I hope Day 4 warmly greets you.

Ollie909

Hi Noble Cause,
You've captured the minds and hearts of many of us here, including me.
An old memory just came to mind. My mother grew up in an alcoholic environment.
She never took up to drinking, just from what she experienced. I never knew that until later. When I was a youngster, I remember her saying after a family gathering once.
Didn't know what she talking about at the time. She said "those damn drunks, their never happy with their booze and their never happy without it."
Just some memory out the past. Hope you didn't mind me sharing it.Best to you and all of us.

NobleCause

i think i see your point, but the odd slip for me has generally not been containable - one drink means i may as well have two, and since two's officially "drinking", then 10's the same difference. hair of the dog the next morning to get going, and, since that day's then shot for sobriety, might as well pick up a fifth after work, get nostalgic, lock the doors and put on some old records. the next day i'll wake up feeling rotten, mad at myself and angry at the world, and my personality shifts a bit as the depression and anxiety roll in. now i've gotta have some drinks to medicate, be functional, and i try to regulate it throughout the day but all of the sudden i lose count somewhere, forget to eat, and i'm wasted before evening. blacked out for a day or two, I wake up in a strange place, far, far away. i need a drink to process what just happened, to absorb the mortification and dull the odd pains. about then, i stop caring, because it's easier and all of it is just frankly too much of a heartbreaking disaster to bear, and i am off on a tear, mindlessly drinking with a vengeance for days or weeks on end till something happens. that's how i roll. to complicate matters, i am on probation. an odd slip for me can translate to some pretty heavy stuff if detected. i really shouldn't drink. period.

as for day 4, it feels good, really good - like being human again. on this end of withdrawal, the world is a different place. smiled at a stranger today for the first time in weeks. feeling oddly hopeful.

tomdecel

I am sorry to hear of your slip, Noble. You write very well. But after a while, it is just words. I still remember your post from July:
I have been in that same marry go round you are in countless times. Maybe it is time to step off of it and like you say in your own signature:"Be a fountain, not a drain."

I hope you feel better in the days to come. Strength to you my friend.

artsoul

Hi NobleCause - I'm so relieved to know you're back from your 40+ days (it brings to mind the story of Jesus spending 40 days in the wilderness)..... My relapses lasted years and years, so I can identify with how easy it is to pour one more drink.....

I also remember smiling on day 4 and it wasn't the usual smile (the kind to make others think I had everything together). I had an appreciation for life that morning.

Keep going and don't look back.......We're all in this together!:day6

NobleCause

One week down. Funny how everything that I'd been avoiding and escaping during the last drinking spell was there waiting for me when I came back to surface. It's catch up time, and I've got some digging out and likely some apologizing to do (tricky given the limits of my memory, but guessing I did something to provoke these walls of silence I keep bumping into). There's a lot I need to do now and a decent amount of pressure riding on me to get it done - I'm tempted to internalize & become overwhelmed, but if I can just stay this course without sabotaging or destructing myself, I might actually be on track to make some progress in my own life and come through for the folks relying on me. Crazy concept.

Ran into a colleague as I left the office late tonite. 'Welcome back,' he said, most likely referring to my recent business travels. 'Thanks, man. Good to be back,' I replied, referring to a whole lot more. My life is fairly challenging right now, but I'm happy to be awake for it.

BackToSquareOne

Hi NC, just remember that all of this withdrawal nonsense can become a distant memory. It will get much better as time marches on. Don't know if you're experiencing worse and worse withdrawal periods with each bender/detox but that was my experience. Hang in there and stay strong!!

Humbled77

NC,

I haven't been spending much time on SR lately, but just came across this post. I remember we both hopped aboard the sobriety ship at about the same time last spring and exchanged several PM's in regards to the similarities between our careers, lives, and alcoholism stories. So it pained me to read through your recent struggles. However once again it seems we have lived in parallel.

After several months of sanity, the sobriety ship (actually a jet) dropped me off in Europe for two weeks in August. The stronghold I had constructed seemed well fortified, but soon it was under siege by the allure of fine wine and jolly pubs. After a noble fight, the walls were breached. I have never fought well on foreign soil. Travel is a trigger for me.

Soon it wasn't just the excuse that a world class meal deserves a world class wine, but that a world class dessert deserves a world class scotch. And then how can you be in Europe and not visit the legendary pubs. So not too many nights later I was sitting by the mini bar, world class drunk. The cycle began.

I brought home my old liquid friend from Europe and we had a jolly old time for a couple weeks. In fact, we spent more time together than we ever had. Everything was going splendidly until one morning I met some real friends for a long trail run. Though my European friend stayed under the seat in the truck, I did chat him up a spell on the 7am drive. 1/4 mile up the trail, I puked, then again. But I refused to look weak in front of friends, so I pushed on saying to myself "come on, you're fine, you have run this before, the liquor will burn off". Then about mile 2 I started to get the chills, then dizzy, and then I am told I just collapsed and rolled down a ravine. I escaped with just a sprain and superficial wounds. However another mile up the trail exists a 50-80ft cliff band (that would have hurt). I knew drinking could kill me but I always think about it in terms of liver disease. The experience caused me to reevaluate how much risk a drunk life really brings.

I promptly kicked my European friend out of the house and haven't seen him since, that was about 3 weeks ago. All in, it was about a month long binge of around a 5th a day. The relapse allowed me to brush off my excuse book, I absolutely hate excuses, and go through detox/withdrawals again, which we all know is a blast.

NC, I am happy to see that you are back on the ship with me. Sobriety is without a doubt the most difficult thing I have taken on, but I have hope. Us alcoholics come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities. But, for people that have spent most of their lives confident, overachieving, rewarded, and rarely surrendering without favorable compromise, it appears inconceivable to admit total defeat and powerlessness to themselves, and even more so to those around them. It is certainly a major part of my struggle. However, I have been taking a different view, I can actually win this battle by not letting alcohol rule, ruin, and/or end my life, and that psychology inspires me. Hang in there. And feel free to PM me if you need to chat.

NobleCause

hey humbled77,

nice to see you back here - funny to hear we've once again been running a similar course. early sobriety is a challenge like no other - it seems to move in fits and starts and feels both like the most important thing in my life and also a really pathetic, annoying detail that i'd just rather not think about. needless to say, i'm a little bit all over the place right now, as is my life to some degree. but i'm hanging in.

hope you are finding strength and peace in your journey back to the sober seas.

nc

ps - how bout them yankees?

Humbled77

The memory (vague as it is) of that Oct 2004 night alone should be enough to keep me sober. Wow, I have been at this a long time! Well, I am sober now anyway. A day at a time. Good luck NC. I am routing for you. Keep us posted.

NYCDoglvr

It helps to realize that alcoholism is a progressive disease. As you continue drinking life sinks lower and lower. I lost two jobs because of alcohol and kept drinking until I came close to dying before I "got it". They say alcoholics suffer from "terminal uniqueness" and I think that's true (for me at least). We think we're the exception, that we're different from other alcoholics. But we're all the same.

I wouldn't have been able to get -- or stay -- sober on my own. I owe my life to the fellowship of AA, the support of other alcoholics.

Good luck! Remember, you don't have to drink today.

NobleCause

I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a wave of indignant protest rising in my mind when I read these lines. 'But I really am different,' goes the whimpering cry. It is hard, hard, hard for me to admit that there isn't a workaround to this. And it is even harder to admit that I might not be able to do this solo.

Ollie909

Hello Noble Cause.

I know this an incredible disease. (dis-ease). I'd like to know why you find it so fascinating?
What drives you to keep doing it to excess. It's legal, cheap, readily available. Obviously does something for you. I personally don't like the buzz anymore. I'm older now though. You are too wise to be down trodden. By anything. That's not to say, You can't get the wind kicked out of you. When your able to catch your breath again. Get up. I'm sure you'll agree.I would prefer not want to experience that again, time to reconfigure. Become a stronger opponent.Not going down this easy. Talk soon

omenapt

i have been lurking a while but just rejoined SR and have just posted on Newcomers. But honestly, i became so absorbed in NC's thread , that it pushed me to re-involve. I suppose your posts, NC are so detailed about your struggles it is as though i can sense your every feeling,fear,etc. I am glad i dont travel for my job. that would be utter temptation being in strange hotels, waiting in airports (with plenty of bars)! i have two weeks now after many lengthy sobriety periods (nearly 8 years in my late 30's /early 40's) but emotional issues drove me to sober up then ...now its the horrible physical effects on a mid 50's man that are my motivation today! Keep going and keep thinking!

i want to get well and get back to things i enjoyed,like masters swmming, weight lifting, landscaping, etc. But alas i know my limitations due to age, but i keep seeing those ads of the 70 year old guy thats built like a brick poop house and I want that! We'll see!

NobleCause

I got high for the first time at a frighteningly young age (I was a cocaine abuser long before I was a drinker), and I remember vividly my first time inhaling lines in a tenement basement. Riding an enormous high as the drugs washed over my middle school brain, I was impervious, completely separated from all worry, and my eyes popped with epiphany at the realization that I'd come home, that this was exactly the way I was meant to live. I was washed up in rehab by sophomore year and switched to vodka the next. Nearly two decades later, the compulsion and drive to mindlessly chase after that initial relief is still engrained in me, and it exists independent of logic and thought, and regardless of tragedy and consequence.

Got blindsided by an itch to drink earlier today - no provocations, no triggers, no thoughts other than - stop everything, drink, now. I distracted myself by making a cup of tea, then another. On the sixth successive cup of green tea in the span of an hour and a half, I sheepishly became aware that I was drinking tea like I drink scotch - mindlessly, quickly and desperately. Took some deep breaths, shifted my focus to the world outside of my neuroses, and chilled out with the tea. It's been interesting to notice the millions of absent minded ways I avoid the present moment.

Tomorrow it'll be two weeks, still hangin' in.


@omenapt: Welcome to SR.

checkmate1

Hi Noble Cause we were on around the same time of sobriety. I found that the way to go was to do what I wanted to do. I wasn't drinking so for me it was OK to stay out until 5, 6am in the morning although this may seem crazy since I was sober I like being out and about. I am sorry to hear of your relapse. I stopped listening to what my parents had to say about my life and listened to myself and I know what i need to do noone else. At the moment I'm doing the best I can to live a drug and alcohol free sober life and noone knows yourself better than you do. Pretty much heading to 6 months and I'm still trying to piece everything together but I know if I pick up that first drink there will be no chance at succeeding in this life and getting to where I want to go. Drinking alcohol damaged my abilty to function normally and there is nothing wrong with normality. My life is good sober and a temporary fix of a drink, a joint, a line or a crack pipe will not help me see clearly. Get out the pros and cons list of drinking and there you will see where you need to be.

keyser

i too have been playing the "game". maybe tomorrow, pride, blame, poor me. been around AA for 20 years not a month sober. no ones fault but my own. i keep on drinking and rolling the dice. many persons have died over the years and im still around. went to a meeting on sunday and got myself my 1st sponser. sober now 5 days. most in years. i have no reason to drink but kept on doing it. need to meet the real me. i know this is not a game and the only winners listen and learn the AA way or lose the game.. hopefully ive had enough. vark :

instant

HI NC
"It's been interesting to notice the millions of absent minded ways I avoid the present moment."

My connecting with the HP thing a few months ago when I became aware of "noticing" reflective surfaces. Led me to read about mindfulness as a way of dealing with addiction and practice some of the skills I came across.

I wish you well.

Ollie909

Hello again Noble Cause,

Thanks for your postings. Your ability to express yourself, along with a command of vocabulary,enables your readers to be vicarious. Potential novelist if your not already.
Reading you post is a glide through air, and I experience what your experiencing.

I've read your past. Down time in airports. The initial rush when younger. Urge still
carrying on. The itch today with no provocations, triggers.
Stop everything and drink now.

What I really admire in your last post, is your true inner strength. This is why there so many congratulations, tokens. In your alone time, You had a choice. Option to drink with continued consequences.But you chose to drink a cup of tea. I'm sure you and everyone agrees. There is no magic escape. Now your 2 weeks. Thank you again NC. Talk soon

Dee74

hows it going now NC?

D