NobleCause

A few weeks ago, I got carried away inside a moment. Out with friends late into the night and feeling nearly on top of the world, I swatted away a dozen rounds before one made it past my lips. It was, of course, just the beginning. The first drink was electric, the second made me giddy, and the third was when the ball started rolling. Details aside, the inevitable conclusions were reached a couple of weeks later, and now I'm mostly detoxed, again. Instead of five months sober, I'm grunting thru day 4 with a beaten down body, a restless ambivalence, more questions than answers, and a less than confident outlook on my odds. I considered staying out there, accepting my fate as destiny and just chasing along til I washed up or out one way or another. But, for a couple of reasons, I'm doing my best to fight those feelings of futility and give this one last shot.
Onward.

Dee74

With respect to drinking, I strongly believe we choose our own fate and control our own destiny.

Welcome back NC - I hope this is your time too

D

instant

Noble I am pleased that you are back and starting to feel better.

Justfor1

I recently relapsed after being sober since the beginning of the year. It was a 3-5 day bender which included an overdose. I just wanted to say that I relate to the feeling of just "staying out" there. Then I get the feeling that though that maybe life is easier & better just staying sober. Drinking on every day basis becomes too hard.

BackToSquareOne

Good to hear you made it through this last bender in one piece. Even though you feel physically and mentally beaten down it's important that you keep a positive outlook. A lot of questions, the how, what and why of it all don't always have easy answers. The mystery of why we would repeat the same experiment over and over again knowing what the end result will be is one I never really figured out. Hang in there N/C.

bellakeller

Yeah. Been there and it sucks. I am glad you made it back here.

Take care of yourself.

CarolD

Nc.....

I do hope this will be your last run with drinking ..welcome back

ZZworldontheweb

Good luck and welcome back. Maybe next time, just stay away entirely from places where you'll need to "swat away a dozen rounds".

Also re-evaluate the company you keep. Who the heck would keep offering drinks to somebody that turned them down repeatedly? Sounds like these people thought your pain was amusing.

soberlicious

I strongly believe this too. This belief is why I am a non-drinker.

yep lucky you...with friends like this you don't need any enemies.

I have no problem going to bars, parties, etc. But NO ONE that is my friend would ever offer me a drink...including my friends that drink, and I have many of those. If someone I don't know offers me a drink, I politely decline. But a stranger continuing to offer and badgering me is a little creepy and wierd, much less a friend...don't you think? Everyone that I count as a friend supports my decision to be a well and whole person. Someone encouraging me to drink is how one gets punched in the face by my circle of friends...LOL They don't need to protect me as I am a big girl and have long been strong in my sobriety...but it's rather endearing behavior . True friends have your back...fo sho

NobleCause

My friends carry no blame in this - they aren't amused by pain, they simply don't understand. To be clear, this wasn't a situation of one or two people incessantly pushing drinks my way - this was a mandatory event, a packed room blowout celebration partially in my honor, and many of the guests didn't know me 6 months ago. I dodged toasts, I pushed aside the wine at dinner. After turning down another drink, someone whom I don't know very well asked, 'Ah, you don't drink. Do you miss it?' I shrugged and forced a 'No' without elaboration. It was a simple query, but it stuck with me all night. I did miss it, I thought, I missed it a lot. It was getting lonely in my world apart and my conviction faded. Not long before last call, I found a double vodka in my hand, and then another, and another, and so on. And then it was on.

I don't publicize the fact of my not drinking or the reasoning behind it - it is a minor character in my daily life. Those who know about it generally don't challenge it, those who don't sometimes try to push the boundary. I have friends who try to bargain with me, promising to babysit me if I'll party with them, and obviously not understanding that the party doesn't just stop once they clock out. It's not an issue of them sabotaging my sobriety, it's an issue of them trying to be inclusive and knowing I can be a trainwreck when drinking without a handler, but not getting fully the totality of what it means to be alcoholic.

I chose to drink. In that moment, I wanted to and did. I cast aside wisdom and good sense, and I drowned myself in the stuff. Since then, I've been chasing my tail. I'm back on Day 1, and I honestly don't know whether I'm coming or going right now. But I do know it's unproductive and incorrect to cast blame anywhere but squarely on myself here.

soberlicious

I agree, Noblecause...and I was not insinuating that they carried any blame in this. I just stated that I think encouraging someone to drink is weird and creepy...just seems sophmoric to me in any circumstance... I'm sorry.

You are absolutely right...All on you no doubt.

My point is...they don't need to get the full totality of what it means to be an alcoholic to support you in a decision that has proven to have a positive impact on your life. I apologize if I just don't get it...I have many friends that drink and my experience is just so different from yours.

Best to you...

sugarbear1

Maybe you drank because alcoholism wasn't treated?

My best to you!!

Beebizzy

NobleCause,

I am so sorry to hear about this. I love reading your posts, and I hope you are feeling better now (physically, anyway)?

NC, something comes to mind: during your 5 months, you had moments where you felt like you were teetering on the brink, right? Do you think this might have contributed in some way to you getting 'carried away'? (Although, I realise from your previous posts that more recently this was less the case). Not saying it did, or anything, just wondering if recent events are something you now feel, in retrospect, were just a question of time?

IDK, just wondering what you would make of that.

Give it as many shots as is required - you can get your 5 months back again and many more. I know you can.

Best of luck to you - thinking of you,
BB

Zebra1275

Welcome back.

Swatting away a dozen rounds was good, but as you found out, if they keep coming at you eventually you are going to miss one. I think it is important not to put yourself in situations where you have to swat away a dozen rounds.

SASA

it was hard for me too learn never let my guard down. there is this one moment of weakness and the enemy will use it, whisper from the side saying one will not hurt.... I learned to be vigilent, I know the monster is waiting for me to return to him. Glad you returned

NobleCause

Tomorrow is it, truly and seriously. Woke up today face down on a hotel suite floor, hugging an empty vodka bottle and a quarter full glass of brandy. Some old friends were strewn across the bed in the other room, collections of empty liquor bottles and little baggies on each night stand. I remember nothing of the night before, but I am starting to remember why I don't hang out with these folks anymore.

9/11 is a tough day and there was a long way home, so I fell into a few rounds earlier to settle my roll when things got shaky. I'm locking myself in for the night, doing nothing more than maintenance, and then dumping the reserves. Tomorrow I will start anew. It'll hurt, but I look forward to it, I'm sufficiently sick of living this way. It absolutely sucks.

BackToSquareOne

You know N/C, your resolve is always going to wax and wane, there's just no way around that. It's easy to stop when your going through withdrawal and feeling like death warmed over. You need a way to get recentered when your feeling good and your resolve is weak. Try visualizing all the misery alcohol has caused in your life and honestly ask yourself if that's what you want to go back to, it should make taking that first drink a lot less desirable. Force yourself to do this whenever the thought of drinking pops up and just say No! No! No!. You'll get through this, just find something that works for you.

NobleCause

@BTSO, thank you for the encouragement. I'll get there, I know. I'm just frustrated and feeling like an idiot now for having chosen such a bumpy detour. Drinking that initial drink, I was thinking of feeling free, I wasn't thinking of my inability to stop the ride once its begun. Odd now that I am feeling anything but free. The silver lining of three weeks of brutal binges is that they got me back to the mercy point, hands up and surrendered. Just in time, as there may be some consequences rolling in for my recent escapades.

Dee74

I really hope you find a better way to deal with life and stress and pain and social obligations and all the other myriad reason we drink for NC...

I hope you find it soon because boozing will consume you - if you let it.

D

NobleCause

@Dee74: Thanks. Me too. That's why I'm hanging up the cups. Or trying to.