hypochondriac

I think I do still have a social side, but I am wondering if there are certain people I am less interested in meeting up with. Not that I dislike them, more that I associate them with my old life and feel awkward. I am sure I will figure it all out in time. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about being crap all the time.

Jeni26

Heck...we had slipped onto page 2! We cannot let this happen!

How are we all?

KaPuka-I see you lurking! How are you James? I wish Job would check back in, I'm concerned for him x

hypochondriac

I am gearing up for interaction with people this weekend. I am teaching today so will mostly be maniacally cleaning for the next few hours and my sister is visiting tomorrow I also believe I will be starting my volunteer work in a few weeks too I still have no idea what I will be doing or what my hours will be but I figure it is gonna keep me busy. But in a good way. I am excited about it. On the sponsorship front, I am going through the big book with my sponsor and I have actually learnt a lot. I think I need to do this with every book I read! I have been listening to the joe and charlie tapes as well which has clarified some things for me about AA. It's all good.

How are you Jeni? x

Jeni26

Wow...all positive.

Well if you'd asked me a couple of days ago how I was I would have given you a completely different answer. Which shows that 'this too shall pass' is very true. I still have the same stresses but I have got a better handle on them today. Work is the main culprit as usual, but my Dad is in hospital too and not well at all. This throws up an awful lot of stuff for me, and with a particularly hard week on top, I have struggled.

Nothing has moved on really except maybe I have learned a little more acceptance in the past few days. I cannot take on the worries of the world on top of my own.

I hope you enjoy your sisters visit. Sounds like you're pushing yourself out of your comfort zone a little as far as interacting with others is concerned. I'm still as anti-social as ever!x

hypochondriac

Oh, but what is less fun is that I keep breaking out in hives...! No idea why and doctors just tell me to take antihistamine. Problem is I am having to do that daily to keep them at bay. I am going to have a chat with a chemist tomorrow. I am worried my loratadine will stop working and then I will be screwed. I am pretty sure it is stress because I can't see any other factors. I don't respond to stress in a normal way, it always comes out as something physical, I am sure that is what all my health stuff was before I quit drinking too. There, that's my rant of the day x

hypochondriac

I am sorry to hear to hear about your dad Jeni

This too shall pass has become a favourite mantra of mine too. I can list a ton of things where I felt utterly distraught and then hours/days later I was fine.

But dealing with family who are ill is a whole different matter as there are many other people's emotions thrown in there too. Has your dad been sick with alcohol related issues? x

Jeni26

Yes, you've had hives before haven't you when faced with a stressful situation.

Have you tried meditation? I can't remember if you said you did that? It has made a real difference to my stress levels x

Jeni26

He has cancer. He originally had cancer of the mouth and had major surgery and reconstructive work done. That was caused by alcohol and nicotine. (The part of his face/mouth that was affected was where he used to rest his pipe). He also drank the best part of a bottle of brandy a day which contributed. He has had all the chemo and radiotherapy he can now. This week he was rushed in with stomach pains and they've had to remove part of his bowel. He also has COPD. He continues to drink but I believe he has stopped smoking, although I'm not absolutely sure.

The family dysfunction has trebled if that is possible. Dad is in hospital. My alcoholic drug addict brother is 'looking after' my codie Mum. I just couldn't begin to explain how just thinking of it all round there sends my anxiety levels through the roof.

I'm supporting from a distance at the moment but will step it up if I need to. Plenty of prayer and meditation going on here I can tell you!x

hypochondriac

Oh gosh Jeni. that's awful. Hugs and prayers coming your way xxx

I keep meaning to meditate. I have got as far as downloading guided meditations and have read a few books on it and have googled a class near me... I am lazy. But I imagine that it is the only thing that can help and I know it will have many other positive side effects.

Jeni26

I meditate for 20 minutes every morning now before work. It has had the most amazing effect on my general anxiety levels. That and counselling has really made a difference.

There is no way I would have coped last week had it not been for that. I'm still procrastinating about my job...to stay or to go? Thing is, I'm on a pretty decent salary now, well as far as state education pays anyway, and we've got our daughter going off to uni next year. If it wasn't for needing to financially support her, I think we would just cut back and I would go back into a teaching position of some sort, maybe part time, and certainly closer to home. An hours drive in the morning and at night on top of a long day doesn't help. But...I want to give her the best chance and it costs unfortunately. X

InsertNameHere

Man oh man have you got a lot on your plate Jen. I am sorry to hear about your dad. What's his prognosis? Or is it to early to tell? Hopefully it is recoverable. Then work dominating your life, and a job that you don't exactly enjoy anymore, another pile of straw on the camels back. I don't know how well I would deal with an hour long commute, mine now is twenty minutes and I don't like it I wouldn't dare triple it. But that is noble of you to put your daughter future first, I know that people think it is the norm for people but from what I have seen and experienced it isn't unusual for parents to just say "you're 18 now GTFO". So good on you for taking on those parental duties beyond what could be considered minimal requirements. I take it the brother "looking out for" mom is more for his benefit than hers? All of that piled together is a heck of a lot. You seem to be handling it with gusto though, much congratulations, sobriety has to make that easier, I don't want to try to imagine all that coupled with crippling anxiety and depression that come from our class of drinking.

Also so impressive that you do all that and still take time to meditate and otherwise work on your recovery. Where do you find the time?

Hypo you sound like your doing well, social is good, family visiting that you actually seem to like is good, spending time with your sponsor going through the big book is good. Thats a heck of a lot on the positive side of the scales. Its amazing how much more you can glean from the BB when going through it with a sponsor isn't it. I know i disagreed with some parts of the doctors opinion until I sat down with my own and went through it looking up definitions to words I thought I knew and pausing to discuss concepts. I am glad to hear you are enjoying the experience rather than dreading it.

I have a few things going on in my life but nothing crazy or too unusual at least not for the last couple of weeks. I have gotten better but not good at getting to work on time. I haven't been "late" in a few weeks, but I have come walking in right at the last minute, which is almost the same thing. Still it is an improvement.

The American government shutdown is potentially causing complications with the school I am going through as a lot of the instructors are civilians. There are several rumors flying around but nothing solid, everyone is playing it by ear on a daily basis.

I am considering getting bedroom furniture, but am indecisive as I may not be living off the base everywhere I go, one drawback of not being married is that they can make me live I. The barracks if they have them. That and its a lot of money so I want to make sure I am getting something I like. I don't know which way I will eventually go but I am getting tired of having my mattress and clothes on the floor.

This weekend my sponsor and me got together and played an Huber geeky star wars game. We used miniatures of the fighter space craft from the movies and had a table top dogfight. I killed Luke Skywalker . He has had the game for a while and wanted someone to play with, well obsessing might be a better word for it. So I finally relented and we played a couple of games. It wasn't a bad time for certain, I like any kind of game. Maybe when we figure out the game better it won't take so long or be so confusing.

I am still taking the woman to meetings pretty much daily, she has gotten less annoying, still a little but not as bad as at first. Sometimes I take a couple of other guys, then occasionally there is a nearly blind guy that asks for one. Now I also have a couple of Marines that might start asking for a ride occasionally. I am a regular AA taxi cab. That thought is grating sometimes but I just grin and bear it reminding myself service is supposed to be good for me. Any grievances I have would be coming from a place of selfish annoyance at having other people dependant on me, I tend not to like that, nor do I like depending on others. Maybe this will curb my tendency to isolate due to self centeredness. On reason among many that I stay away from people is that if you spend time with people they start asking you for things and expecting things of you. I don't like that, I don't want anyone to expect anything of me that way I don't feel obligated, and therefore I can't feel guilty when or if I let them down. Random thought tangent. Previous experience has taught me that proximity to or familiarity with people can lead to emotional pain either through perceived insult or self inflicted guilt and shame. Or i take an opposite tack and decide that i don't like you for whatever reason and being around you only aggravates me. So to fix those problems by staying aloof and distant. Its flawed, mostly subconscious, thinking which I will have to work on, in several ways.

Anyhow that's my last week or two. Thanks for checking in these that did.

Has anyone heard from Stills, or Huxley? Either or.

hypochondriac

Thanks for the update INH!

I like your random thought tangent... I was thinking about a similar sort of thing today, except I don't mind people being dependent on me, I volunteer myself for all sorts of things, but I like to be totally independent myself, but at the same time I am resentful that I have no one to depend on! I am odd like that, contrary. I think I have a people pleasing streak in me. I always try to help other people out and am surprised when others don't do the same. An example of this was helping out at my sisters concert. I wasn't really able to do it this year so I suggested to my mum that she do my previous role and she basically just said no. And there have been numerous times at work when I have done stuff voluntarily when my colleague has just said no. I think a lot of the time I don't consider saying no is an option, like people won't like me if I don't or I am always putting other people's needs before my own. But another thing is that I have no idea what my needs are... It used to be just to get enough drinking time. Now I have no idea.

Btw, I have been living on a mattress on the floor and no bedroom furniture for the past 4 or 5 years. Ever since I bought my house. I planned to live in it as it was til I had finished my degree (which incidentally I still haven't done) but then I had damp problems so ended up stripping the paper and now I just have bare walls, with plaster falling of in places, and my furniture amounts to one 2 seated sofa, a dining table, a table my mum got as a wedding present many years ago and my computer desk. Oh and the chair I am sitting on There are some pleasant things about having minimal surroundings, though most people tend to think I am weird. It has always been an issue between my mum and me. When I told her about the alcoholism bit she started on the house issues again and offered to come and help me fix it up, like I wouldn't have been an alcoholic if I had paint on the walls. I have never been able to get her to see that how I feel on the inside is nothing to do with my external surroundings and it is not like one effects the other.

On the subject of studying, yeah my parents, or more specifically my dad was one of those who stopped any parental support at 18. In part it was because he didn't like my boyfriend but also he had just divorced my mum and she had been the one who looked after the purse strings when my sisters went to college. I paid my own way through college, but I was lucky cos that was in the days when there were no fees for people from the EU so all I had to pay was my living expenses. I don't know how kids do it now. I have two years left on an OU degree and it is going to cost me 10 grand. I have no idea how I can afford this but I want to try. It has taken me so long with my general fecklessness that I missed the point when the government withdrew funding. But seeing as all my education up to this point has been free it is not that much to ask for.

Hope everyone else is well. It be lovely to hear from Hux and Job...

Huxley

I got drunk last night.

****, i have nothing else to say.

Love you guys xxxxxx

Jeni26

Well you know what I'm going to say Hux....you need to stay right here with us. Post or text me every day. Type out those feelings and niggles out before they get a grip on you. There isn't a day when I'm not on SR. I frequently talk complete nonsense and probably drive people completely nuts, but it keeps me accountable. It is part of my stay sober routine. I go welcome a few newcomers too, I remember how scared I was when I first started here.

I know you're fiercely independent Hux, but there's no shame in asking for help. Me and Hypo understand...you should read back at our meltdown posts to each other in the past. Isolating yourself isn't working for you. Try a meeting? I know you're not AA, but go see what happens?

Just don't give up. The spiral downwards is just too horrible to contemplate.

Love you girl xxxxxxx

hypochondriac

Lots of love to you Hux xxx

I will just echo what Jeni has said, and for the record I am fiercely independent too but have learnt that the strong thing to do is to ask for help when you need it. I didn't like it at first. I was talking to someone in AA when I first went and I said that I wasn't very good at asking for help. He very flatly replied 'unfortunately that's why so many of us don't recover'. It was a bit of a slap in the face to me. No offer of, 'it's okay we'll do it for you' or 'do you want me to find you a sponsor?'... so it was like great, I have to do this myself. Incidentally I am still asking for help on a regular basis now, I am thinking of going back to counselling, and I have a sponsor, but online. I am still not sur I want to make AA meetings a part of my life. But I am working on possibly arranging a woman's meeting...

I guess I am saying don't feel bad if it requires more effort than you think it should. I feel like the non addict people around me don't get it or understand the effort it takes (and when I say effort, it isn't like a job, it just requires occasional attention, most of which I get here). And this place does help with the accountability. That seemed so much more important to me in the early days but it is still there. Whenever I am away from this place my mind starts drifting.

Oh, and the best advice I got was from Job... to tell someone whenever I had thoughts of drinking. At the time it seemed silly because I had them all the time. But I did it. I just stopped pretending I was okay and admitted that those thoughts do happen, and I swear they went away much quicker than if I kept them to myself.

Glad you popped in Hux, it is nice to see you. I hope you find the support you think you need, whether that is just here or face to face somewhere. I bet there'll be some great addiction agencies where you are and they often offer face to face support and group sessions too, usually non recovery method specific.

InsertNameHere

**** Hux, I joined SR November of 2011, this is the March 2012 group, and my sobriety date is in January 2013. This stuff ain't easy, not by a long shot. We, who have been right where you are know that better than anyone else. Please keep in touch as we look forward to hearing from you regardless of what's going on. Of course we would love to hear that your sober, but that is by no means a requirement. I know I felt shame and like I wasn't measuring up to the others here every time I managed to drag my hungover butt back here, but all of that I see now was unfounded on anything people here thought and all based on my self deprecation. So in short, keep coming back woman we love ya regardless and love hearing from you. Its a journey and you can't get to where you want to be if you stop trying.

Okay now I'm trying too hard to be too deep. Love ya Hux.

Hypo, I starting to think you and I have a lot in common. I still haven't ordered furniture but I am still thinking about it. Telling someone about thoughts or urges to drink was one of the first things my sponsor told me. He said, saying it out loud especially but not necessarily to another person, takes the power out of it. He was right. Keeping those thoughts to yourself just gives them room to grow and fester. Saying it out loud makes it easier to bear. For me that was hard to do as I didn't want to impose on someone else my own weakness, or to inconvenience them with my own personal pile of dookie. It really does help though.

I've been sick the last few days, pretty much laid out all day Friday and Saturday, but I am feeling much better now. Of course that might be the motrin talking.

Have a good one all.

Huxley

God you guys are so cool. I feel a damn sight better tonight than I did this morning and it's incredible to come here and see you've all written. So much love and support.

Hypo, it's weird, I don't think of myself as fiercely independent, although I guess my friends and family would disagree.

In fact, I don't think of myself as anything, much. I don't mean that I have a low opinion of myself, or a high one either. I don't really think much at all. I'm sort of a fighty reactor who just responds, and it fascinates me how self-aware all of you are. How, like, reflective. You're all figuring out the best ways to do this thing, and all I'm thinking about is how cool my new shoes are. And that's fair and valid, because look:



but then I get in trouble and I don't have the ******* resources for this. I can fight it and fight it because I like fighting and I'm good at it, but eventually I have to rest, and I just don't know how. And last night I was so goddamn tired, and stopped fighting.

Jen, you're right, I should come here. But when I'm feeling okay it SR kind of makes me want to drink, and when I'm not okay it's usually too late. But god knows I never want to feel like I did this morning again, so I guess I just need to bunch em up and get my ass online.

INH, I always loved that you kept on posting even though you were drinking. And I never, never thought you weren't measuring up. You had us in spades, darlin, always and I love ya too xxxx

So, yeah, away from the deep and introspective - have I missed people buying furniture? We just bought furniture! A proper grown-up couch and a really beautiful bookcase and tables made from mango wood. I never even heard of mango wood furniture but H says it's pretty popular back in Australia.

Jeni26

Oh Hux...you make me laugh. Yes, your shoes are very cool...now back to your sobriety!

We all find our own way through this but the ones I see who are the most successful have a plan of some sort. It shouldn't be a case of fighting until you run out of strength...way too hard. Just little changes to our daily routines can be enough sometimes. Looking at ourselves and yeah, being a bit reflective.

It doesn't have to be hard work. The thing that has changed my life most in the past month has been meditation classes. I couldn't just have carried on in my old routine minus the drink because I would have missed it too much, so I had to fill the hole that drinking left in my schedule with things that make me feel better and help me grow.

At first it was AA meetings, though I have now dropped those, counselling, meditation, the gym...and tons of SR. That has kept me going...the many friends who understand what it's like and don't mind when I have a wobble...they are my lifeline.

You can do this Hux...you just need to find your own path. And you don't need to run along the most dangerous cliff-edge path either, a slow and leisurely one will do. The journey through sobriety doesn't have to be hard all the time xxx

hypochondriac

Nice shoes

I am not sure fighting it is the way. Acceptance was always the key thing with me, then you don't have to fight. And I think we probably all qualify as impulsive/compulsive...? I react a lot. I am learning to think a bit before hand now (I got that from AVRT really), but it doesn't require tons of insight and self reflective qualities, just recognising thoughts of drinking as part of an addiction rather than this thing we must act on right now or bad stuff will happen... cos that's how it feels sometimes but it always always passes.

For me it wasn't changing my routine so much as figuring out why I drank in the first place, and I don't mean in a 'mommy never hugged me' kinda way, more of an understanding of addictive behaviour. That plus just support and working on all the other sh*t in my life. That has nothing to do with drinking but I have realised that a big part of my addictive behaviour was trying to avoid difficult emotions or just normal life stuff. I am an avoider. For me sobriety isn't about total vigilance around alcohol, more just being able to make improvements in my life because I am not avoiding it any more.

Just don't stop trying Hux and you'll get it xxx

Sorry you've been sick INH. Though I have to say I have always enjoyed being sick and sober. Something about actively trying to make myself feel better rather than trying to drown it in whisky is very satisfying.

I don't know why you'd see telling people stuff like that imposing your weakness...? It ain't a weakness. Besides, who among us hasn't got thoughts we'd rather not say out loud... it is freeing to get rid of them. Pile your dookie here dude

Huxley

Catching up with my reading and spotted this. Thanks hun xxxx