Huxley

Dammit, I didn't think you'd notice that diversion

Thanks both, and you're both right. One thing I've realised today (in between the crying) is that somewhere I lost my momentum. I lost it the first time I relapsed, actually - last Christmas, when I was away for ages. I always told people back then that even if you slip you still had the days and months you'd managed to, what, collect? Or something? I mean, if you had three months under your belt then slipped, those three months shouldn't get wiped. You still made them.

And that's probably true for all sorts of people, but not for me. It stopped mattering so much. My sobriety date stopped mattering at all. So the next time I slipped - this summer thing that I told you about - it didn't matter so much either.

Oh, except I did so much coke that night I thought I was going to die. I don't think I told you guys about that.

shoes...shoes...shoes...

So I'm wiping the slate clean. I don't have one and a half years with a couple of slip-ups. I have one day. Tomorrow's day two.

It feels good.

Love you guys xxxxx

hypochondriac

The date thing is a funny one, and it is best to do what works best for you. I know that if I allow myself slips it won't be long before I am saying I'll just drink at weekends etc... but it isn't about allowing yourself anything really, it's just about not beating yourself up. If it helps to start from scratch then by all means do but it doesn't take away what you learnt before. Oh and distraction is totally okay as long as it doesn't make you drink so if you find yourself with 20 new pairs of shoes... x

Huxley

I want twenty pairs of shoes! One amazing thing about sobriety is how much money we've realised we've got after a year and a half of basically not spending any. I mean, H is on minimum wage so we're not exactly rolling, but I was going through my winter routine of trying to find some leather (read: rainproof) trainers and saw some brilliant suede Pumas. It was only afterwards that I realised that, actually, it is possible to have TWO pairs of shoes, and keep one of them for days that it doesn't rain!

Woo-hoo!!

I mean, I didn't buy the Pumas, because woah Huxley, just slow down there. But it's nice to know I can.

And you're right, it's about finding the bit that works for me. What I was doing before hasn't, so I'm going pure. And definitely not beating myself up. Finding solutions, not wallowing in it.

Love you girl xxx

hypochondriac

You have far more self restraint than me. I bought quite a few new pairs of boots in sobriety. I had never before that moment bought more than one pair at a time but by the time I was asking the shoe shop man if I'd get a discount for buying 3 pairs... Thanks to the dog walking they're all wrecked now though!

Huxley

Hangover's gone. I already want to drink again. It's 6am for god's sake.

Jeni26

I think every time we pick up it gets harder to quit. Make this the last time you have to go through this....

Work will keep you busy. Check in here with us later. Love you lots xxx

Huxley

I was done with crying before work a year and a half ago. I can't get my head around being back at square one. I had those other two slips, but they were planned, you know? I decided to drink. This was the first time I just caved.

One day at a time, right? I'm not going to drink today. I'll take care of tomorrow when it comes.

Love you too xxx

Jeni26

One day at a time Hux....today is the only thing we have. You can do this xxx

hypochondriac

It seems so hard initially Hux but it does get better. Just remember that the craving will pass. CarolD always used to say that she timed her cravings. They last minutes in a day full of hours. They will pass as long as we keep ignoring them x

Huxley

Thanks girls. I cried a lot this morning, feel better this evening although still out of my mind busy. But I'm glad I made the decision to recognise a new sobriety date. Clean slate and stuff. Am tired as hell now so going to have an early night. Sleep well all, okay?

xxxx

Jeni26

Night night xxx

Caledonia1

Hi troops
Hux you've made a great first step admitting you had a drink and have quickly jumped back into your recovery. You've done it before and you can do it again.

I had many many years of slips so i hear what you're saying and feeling. ((big hugs toots))

Jeni Woah what a load you are carrying at the moment. Take care and look after yourself, seems the meditation is working for you so keep it up. I too have a brother with alcohol issues and drug addiction, so so difficult at times but coupled with the worry of your poor dad. All credit to you for dealing with it all.

INH Loved your update and honesty and delighted you're doing so well

Anyone heard from Jobei yet?

I'm off on my travels again, just a wee trip down south to my dad's as the kids are off school this week.

Life's hectic as usual but the longer I'm sober the easier I seem able to handle all.
Business, work, home etc etc etc I'm just a born worrier........lol

Catch you all later
x

LDT

Hey Hux.....you know I love you more than my luggage. It's good to hear you're feeling better, with a new resolve. Maybe try looking at your statement " Being back at square one", as just "Being BACK". That's all that matters.

Jeni26

Morning guys x

Counting days worked for me but I know for some people it can be counter-productive.whatever works for you...what I do know is that once we've accepted we're alcoholics, half the battle is over. For me there is no...'maybe one day...' The thing that has kept me going has been the memory of my last relapse. I was just such a mess. Nope. Done with that. Not saying there haven't been times when the thoughts of drinking haven't been very strong at times..but they do pass eventually.

Keep going my lovely...and if LDT loves you more than her luggage...well, you've made it!

Have a good day xxx

InsertNameHere

Ditto.

My last drunk was a ****** day that I needed to realize that it just wasn't working anymore. I don't have to hold onto that moment quite as tight any more but for the first month or two I held onto that with a fierceness whenever thoughts to drink crept up.

Anyhow, I figured I would say something to so you all knew I was paying attention.

Have a good one all, especially you Huxley! Stay strong chica!

Huxley

Hey beautiful people, thanks so much for your messages.

I had a horrible morning with the crying etc (ugh) but a pretty good day after that. I've been thinking a lot (well, only a bit, but quite deeply for me) about change, and how you change as time goes on, but my sobriety was staying the same. And that's not going to work for anyone.

So this weekend I'm going to have another think about where the next stage of my sobriety is going to take me. I'm really seeing it as phases now, and I'm moving into another one. I'm going to take all the things that work, like working out and writing, with me, and look at chucking out some other things, like the 13-hour days that I constantly pull at school, and figure out what things are going to look like.

Yeah, day 3 was pretty good

I also realised while I was talking to my friend that I've relapsed 3 times in my year and a half, and each one has been really different, and utterly awful. It's time to forget about ever drinking again. It makes me miserable. Being sober makes me happy, really happy.

So how y'all doing today? xxxxx

Jeni26

Thinking (even if only a bit!) won't hurt. Sometimes I think we should look at the things that make us really happy and just do more of them. Sounds simple I know...but we do over-complicate things sometimes. I hear you with the long days..I do those too. They can wear you down.

Do you plan ahead to your weekends and put nice things into place? A balance is so important xxx

hypochondriac

So if you look at it another way you have drank 3 times in a year and a half...! That is change in itself. I don't know what you drank like before but I know that if I relapsed every week it would still be progress, hell twice a week. I know I shouldn't compare but if you look at all the nice normal well adjusted non alcoholics out there, I bet none of them quit drinking for that long!

I was thinking about change today too. I have changed a lot during my sober time, actually not drinking was the only hard bit, the rest is just a series of adjustments. A book I have on meditation talks about doing 'habit releasers', changing little seemingly unimportant things like the chair you sit in in meetings or the way you walk to work. I am more conscious of the little things now because they do make a difference. I remember just how changing the way I shopped, the food I ate and the way I got home helped me when I first got sober. Of course there is the big stuff too, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that external stuff will change how we feel inside. Except the long days, they can go x

I had yoga tonight and that was really nice. Oh and I took the dog for a walk in the forest in the dark! I got her a light up collar. I load of people still go there even when it is pitch black and I am considering it but am a big girl. It wasn't too dark tonight but still enough to make me see things in the shadows. A couple of girls said they'd let me know when they're going and we'll take head torches and stuff. I think I have watched far too many horror films to cope it that situation though!

Jeni26

Oh Hypo...get yourself some wellies and a torch and go hit the woods...night walking sounds like fun!

As for making adjustments, I think I've learnt/am learning to do that with my thought processes as well as daily routines. I sure did have some weird ways of thinking. I know now that I have PTSD, and that I dissociate all the time...any potentially stressful situation and I'm gone in my head. Weird but wonderful and I guess it's what has kept me going in the past troubled times. But now...I'm so aware of what my brain is doing and why, I can change the way I think and view things. It gives me a totally new perspective on things.

Anyway...long day today. Meeting after work, then my meditation class. I won't be home til 10.30 pm.

Hugs to you all. Have a good day xxx

InsertNameHere

Hello all.

Hypo, I agree with Jen night walking sounds like fun, though even i think i would like to have someone with me, it sounds like you have a troop waiting so what the hell go for it. Also the dog collar light is a pretty awesome idea, i haven't seen that before.

Hux, I am relieved to hear its only been the onezy twozies now threezies that you've gone out on. For some reason i was under the impression that you'd been drinking for a while and just now came back. I am relieved to know i am wrong. Maybe i was projecting myself onto you cause now that i think about it you never said anything of the kind. I am also glad to hear you are able to stop after the one time, I'm not certain I would have that strength so damn good on ya girl.

Cali, thank you. You all know it took me a long time to get here but I'm here now .

I had me a pretty good day all things considered. I had an assignment due in class that I had procrastinated away till this weekend, but I was still sick all weekend so I didn't do it. All that sounds bad... and it is that is a prime example of some bad habits of mine and behavior that I hope to over time curb. But what's good about it was two fold; one I was asked for it in the morning and told the truth, that I didn't have it, so the just said okay get it to us by the end of the day and I knocked it out during lunch, two this would have been a perfect opportunity for me to practice one of my biggest defects which is self deprecation. Normally I would have created myself mercilessly over something like this, this would have run me into the ground by nine in the morning and I would have ended up in a very bad state mentally. I did none of that today. I hands led it very calmly and cooly, not beating myself up just facing realities and doing what I needed to do. I came out feeling just fine, maybe even a smidge happy.

After turning that assignment in work was easy and uneventful. I took a nap after, and upon awaking I finally made a decision to buy the damn furniture for my bedroom and get my clothes and myself off the floor. I am a horrible feet dragger when it comes to making decisions especially ones where money is involved. But hell I'm 31, I can afford it easily, why not own furniture, plus it will make daily living that much more tolerable if I have places to put things other than the corner. So I went to the store and ordered the set I was eyeing. My credit card statement is going to be a little larger now but easily manageable. I look forward to seeing it when it gets here.

After that I hit up my meeting, i tried to help a friend there put the 12 and 12 on his kindle to no avail but i will give it a shot again when i see him next. Other than that nothing much special there, now I'm home and its about beddy bye time for this bonzo.

Have a good one all.