Class of March 2012 Part 7
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Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Hey I get to start the thread!
Duty at the barracks was alright, one Marine got some traffic tickets which is not good. His boss and him will have to go talk to the man but all it effected me was that I had to write down the who what where and why. The only killer was class the next morning. Our instructor is really monotone and I was half asleep the whole first hour or two. So I drank 64 ounces of red bull. Overkill? Maybe, but it worked.
After I just racked out right away after getting home, woke up at 0100, rolled over and woke up again at 0300 then 0700, then 1000 and finally at 1200 for the last time. Weekends are glorious things lol. I did have a dream about drinking but it didn't freak me out much, I just felt dissapointed in myself, imagined the conversation with my sponsor I was going to have to have and how to reset my sober day counter on my phone. But once I figured out there was no way I could have drank when I haven't left the house since I got back I was good and reality came back to me.
Since the. I have been recovering from sleeping that long lol.
Huxley! Glad to see you back! Sorry you got sick, but glad you got a new casa and internet.
Per the previous conversation I am accepting my inner introvert a little more. I think being in the Marine Corps has kinda veered me even more than I normally would into thinking that I wasn't good enough and had to be different. Especially since I have picked up my last two ranks, I had this vision of what I thought the perfect leader was and I wasn't it, so I tried to force myself, against my nature, to be a certain person. What that resulted in was almost akin to a split personality only a conscious one, I was aware of the change and encouraged it. I was a different person at work, all business all serious, I liked the fact that I was closer to the person that I thought I should be but it wasn't something I was able to maintain constantly. I did manage it for years, but it messed with me and made me worse about myself knowing it was all a charade.
I don't know where I am going to go from here as the last few years have been a collapse of a lot of things including that way of being as it really stopped working. So now I am working on just being okay with myself as I am. Thankfully this transition is taking place when I don't have anyone at work that I am in charge of so that makes working on me with no need to concentrate on others. I just have to work on me which is good because I am only just handling me with problems I may be able to help/lead others eventually but let's give it time lol
Have a good one all.
Duty at the barracks was alright, one Marine got some traffic tickets which is not good. His boss and him will have to go talk to the man but all it effected me was that I had to write down the who what where and why. The only killer was class the next morning. Our instructor is really monotone and I was half asleep the whole first hour or two. So I drank 64 ounces of red bull. Overkill? Maybe, but it worked.
After I just racked out right away after getting home, woke up at 0100, rolled over and woke up again at 0300 then 0700, then 1000 and finally at 1200 for the last time. Weekends are glorious things lol. I did have a dream about drinking but it didn't freak me out much, I just felt dissapointed in myself, imagined the conversation with my sponsor I was going to have to have and how to reset my sober day counter on my phone. But once I figured out there was no way I could have drank when I haven't left the house since I got back I was good and reality came back to me.
Since the. I have been recovering from sleeping that long lol.
Huxley! Glad to see you back! Sorry you got sick, but glad you got a new casa and internet.
Per the previous conversation I am accepting my inner introvert a little more. I think being in the Marine Corps has kinda veered me even more than I normally would into thinking that I wasn't good enough and had to be different. Especially since I have picked up my last two ranks, I had this vision of what I thought the perfect leader was and I wasn't it, so I tried to force myself, against my nature, to be a certain person. What that resulted in was almost akin to a split personality only a conscious one, I was aware of the change and encouraged it. I was a different person at work, all business all serious, I liked the fact that I was closer to the person that I thought I should be but it wasn't something I was able to maintain constantly. I did manage it for years, but it messed with me and made me worse about myself knowing it was all a charade.
I don't know where I am going to go from here as the last few years have been a collapse of a lot of things including that way of being as it really stopped working. So now I am working on just being okay with myself as I am. Thankfully this transition is taking place when I don't have anyone at work that I am in charge of so that makes working on me with no need to concentrate on others. I just have to work on me which is good because I am only just handling me with problems I may be able to help/lead others eventually but let's give it time lol
Have a good one all.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Hey Lee, How's you? x
That's such a good place to be though isn't it? There are a lot of changes in sobriety and it can be scary and unsettling but ultimately very freeing I think. It kind of shows you that there is no limit to your potential, as long as you are honest with yourself.
I am finding it a weird and unsettling process myself but I am trying my best and that's all I can do. I really feel though that I can't go wrong if I keep on this path, whereas I knew I was going all kinds of wrong before!
Lovely to have you back with us Hux
Don't be jealous of us loners, you're probably the normal one... 
x
Originally Posted by InsertNameHere 
I don't know where I am going to go from here as the last few years have been a collapse of a lot of things including that way of being as it really stopped working. So now I am working on just being okay with myself as I am. Thankfully this transition is taking place when I don't have anyone at work that I am in charge of so that makes working on me with no need to concentrate on others. I just have to work on me which is good because I am only just handling me with problems I may be able to help/lead others eventually but let's give it time lol
I am finding it a weird and unsettling process myself but I am trying my best and that's all I can do. I really feel though that I can't go wrong if I keep on this path, whereas I knew I was going all kinds of wrong before!
Lovely to have you back with us Hux
Don't be jealous of us loners, you're probably the normal one... x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
INH, I could SO relate to your post. I definitely have 2 distinct sides to me..the way I am at work and the way I am at home. I too feel my work life is a charade and I adopt a cheery, professional, calm exterior and my anxiety bubbles away underneath.
The only time I felt really at ease with what I was doing was when I worked directly with kids, and the more troubled the better. I can manage challenging behaviour and that sort of stress really well. My problem was that because I was good at it, I was asked to help others. That led to a promotion to head of department about a year ago, which cut done my teaching time to 50%, and then after Christmas I was promoted out of the classroom altogether. A complete change of role..chairing meetings, dealing with parents and other professionals, dealing with staff disciplinaries. I have felt hopelessly out of my depth at times, and for someone like me who doesn't really like people, it has stressed me out. Not that you would know it if you met me at work. Always smiling. Always positive. I'm not confident and you have no idea how much energy all this faking it takes!!
That's why I'm happiest at home. I can just be me here.
Lee-great to hear from you xxx
Have a good day everyone x
The only time I felt really at ease with what I was doing was when I worked directly with kids, and the more troubled the better. I can manage challenging behaviour and that sort of stress really well. My problem was that because I was good at it, I was asked to help others. That led to a promotion to head of department about a year ago, which cut done my teaching time to 50%, and then after Christmas I was promoted out of the classroom altogether. A complete change of role..chairing meetings, dealing with parents and other professionals, dealing with staff disciplinaries. I have felt hopelessly out of my depth at times, and for someone like me who doesn't really like people, it has stressed me out. Not that you would know it if you met me at work. Always smiling. Always positive. I'm not confident and you have no idea how much energy all this faking it takes!!
That's why I'm happiest at home. I can just be me here.
Lee-great to hear from you xxx
Have a good day everyone x
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
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Is there any way you could get back to dealing with the kids Jeni? Btw it is awesome that you got those two promotions when you were sober. I can't see that the work you is a charade though, it is still part of who you are just it is something you work hard at x
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
No I'm here too, just nothing much going on. I suppose I could tell you all about one thing.
I have officially crossed a new line, one which when crossed changes you and peoples perception of you forever. This line is into the realm of the uber nerd, I learned binary and hexadecimal the other day in my class, god help me. Lol
I have officially crossed a new line, one which when crossed changes you and peoples perception of you forever. This line is into the realm of the uber nerd, I learned binary and hexadecimal the other day in my class, god help me. Lol
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Originally Posted by InsertNameHere
No I'm here too, just nothing much going on. I suppose I could tell you all about one thing.
I have officially crossed a new line, one which when crossed changes you and peoples perception of you forever. This line is into the realm of the uber nerd, I learned binary and hexadecimal the other day in my class, god help me. Lol
I have officially crossed a new line, one which when crossed changes you and peoples perception of you forever. This line is into the realm of the uber nerd, I learned binary and hexadecimal the other day in my class, god help me. Lol
What has happened to you since you got sober INH???
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I'm here! Doing okay. I have had some pretty strong 'cravings' recently which I should admit to here really. I think it might just be anxiety because it feels very physical, like that empty feeling I always got. It is funny because it is so urgent one minute and the next I am brushing it off as ridiculous. Feels a bit schitz sometimes.
Otherwise things are okay. Work is fine, though my colleague got a written warning. I haven't had a 'chat' with my boss since so not sure if anything is coming my way. I am just plodding on really.
I seem to have developed a compulsive shopping thing going on which is worrying on some level. Only books and stuff and mainly second hand ones from amazon so I am not breaking the bank, but it does feel like seeing as my eating is okay now I have to move on to something else...
INH, nerds are cool
Otherwise things are okay. Work is fine, though my colleague got a written warning. I haven't had a 'chat' with my boss since so not sure if anything is coming my way. I am just plodding on really.
I seem to have developed a compulsive shopping thing going on which is worrying on some level. Only books and stuff and mainly second hand ones from amazon so I am not breaking the bank, but it does feel like seeing as my eating is okay now I have to move on to something else...
INH, nerds are cool
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Aaaah...there you are!!
I think anxiety produces cravings for sure, it's what we do with them that's important. I have had the strongest cravings for cigarettes over the past few weeks, I even started queuing at the kiosk for some the other day. No such urges for alcohol, but I've driven myself half-crazy this week worrying about my holiday. Free drink all week, 2 alcoholics in recovery...etc etc.
But, now we are all packed and will be leaving in the early hours, and I've calmed down a lot. I had a good counselling session this morning looking at self-sabotaging behaviour and feeling that I don't deserve good things. There is still a strong feeling of impending doom that surrounds me sometimes and she reassured me that it is just part of my old script, and that I'm strong now and can re-write a new one. Anxiety is so hard to shake off sometimes even when rationally we know there is no reason for it. This week has seemed hard.
But all good now. H and I managed to pack without killing each other...the kids are happy and excited.
All is well.
Stay strong my friend xxx
I think anxiety produces cravings for sure, it's what we do with them that's important. I have had the strongest cravings for cigarettes over the past few weeks, I even started queuing at the kiosk for some the other day. No such urges for alcohol, but I've driven myself half-crazy this week worrying about my holiday. Free drink all week, 2 alcoholics in recovery...etc etc.
But, now we are all packed and will be leaving in the early hours, and I've calmed down a lot. I had a good counselling session this morning looking at self-sabotaging behaviour and feeling that I don't deserve good things. There is still a strong feeling of impending doom that surrounds me sometimes and she reassured me that it is just part of my old script, and that I'm strong now and can re-write a new one. Anxiety is so hard to shake off sometimes even when rationally we know there is no reason for it. This week has seemed hard.
But all good now. H and I managed to pack without killing each other...the kids are happy and excited.
All is well.
Stay strong my friend xxx
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
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Are you leaving tomorrow Jeni?
Self sabotaging is so it Jeni. I have that with my health, self destructive behaviours. I know a lot of people do unhealthy things but I feel like there is a lot of intent with me. Learning to look after myself is so unnatural to me. It is like getting little flashbacks to how we used to be I guess. But I reckon about 80% of the time I feel pretty content. That's higher than my old average
I hope you enjoy your holiday. I am sure it will be ace. xxx
Self sabotaging is so it Jeni. I have that with my health, self destructive behaviours. I know a lot of people do unhealthy things but I feel like there is a lot of intent with me. Learning to look after myself is so unnatural to me. It is like getting little flashbacks to how we used to be I guess. But I reckon about 80% of the time I feel pretty content. That's higher than my old average
I hope you enjoy your holiday. I am sure it will be ace. xxx
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Leaving home at 2.30 am. Not bothering to go to bed.
I'm smuggling my iPad with me so I can get hold of you all if I need to but won't post much.
Self-sabotaging has got to stop. I'm allowing myself to enjoy this.
Thanks my friend xxx
I'm smuggling my iPad with me so I can get hold of you all if I need to but won't post much.
Self-sabotaging has got to stop. I'm allowing myself to enjoy this.
Thanks my friend xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Thanks Dee. You're the second person to say that My mum however thinks I am nuts because I told her I bought new editions of a book I already had. On the plus side I am considering doing up my house cos I need more bookshelves! It's motivation of sorts.
My mum however thinks I am nuts because I told her I bought new editions of a book I already had. On the plus side I am considering doing up my house cos I need more bookshelves! It's motivation of sorts.
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
I don't know Hypo, you could think of having to redesign your house to accommodate one of your favorite hobbies as a a perfectly natural thing. I know my living room is set up only for the computer and TV. But then again its pretty small, not much else fits .
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