Huxley

Hello lovelies! So nice to see so many faces here

Hypo, I'm with the others - get your butt on that night walk! I love being out in the dark, it's cosy and secretive and anonymous for just a change, no one can see every damn expression on your face and you just bloody relax. Lovely. But like INH said, go in a pack, okay? Because seriously vulnerable otherwise. And I'm sure your little dog's a trooper but possibly not the most effective for personal defence?

Jen, 10:30? Jeez, girl. But meditation sounds nice. I'm glad you're starting to embrace the oddities in your brain - I did, and it's okay. So I hallucinate? All cool. So I disassociate and smell colours? It's all cool, all cool. And you're one of the coolest people I know - you can sure as hell roll along with this.

INH, bless you, I think I might have given that impression because the only bloody time I've been here in months is when I've been relapsing. And now I think about it, for the last eight or nine months, even when I haven't been relapsing I've been thinking about it. No more.

And I'm so glad you bought the furniture! You should live somewhere nice, and no self-respecting 31 year-old, even a boy, should be keeping their clothes on the floor. I mean, mine are on the floor of my wardrobe, but at least they're out of sight And massive well done for the way you dealt with your assignment, especially the not-beating-yourself-up part. I always hated that you knocked yourself about like that - you're brilliant and should feel it. Anyway, knocking you about is my job :P

So yesterday was a good day. I had the lesson observation that pushed me over the edge on Saturday

Wait, that's grammatically ******. I, yesterday, had the observation of which the thought had, on Saturday, pushed me over the edge.

Haha! Yes, much better

So I had the damn thing, and I am NOT good at observations, I get terrified and shaky and always get the same feedback - "It's alright, okay? Don't worry about it, we know you're a great teacher, you just weren't at your best today. Okay? Don't sweat it. We don't think any less of you. Really."

Ugh.

Well, not this time dammit!" ******* nailed that m*****f****r!!! Officially Outstanding teacher, right here. And that wasn't even from my Head of Department or anything, was from two of the Assistant Principals, one of whom is the Director of Teaching and Learning. Hell yeah!

So I've gone from being a quivering wreck to top of the world in a week. And yeah, okay, I can usually knock that out in a day but it's good!

Love you guys, hope you all have groovy days and thanks Jen so much for texting me yesterday morning to say good luck. You have no idea how nice it was to get that message

xxxxxxxxxx

Jeni26

Hey Hux...you know I think we teachers are all the bloody same. I'm now the one doing the lesson observations...all those years of being a quivering wreck as you described, now I'm the one responsible for inflicting that on others! It still feels strange that. I used to think that I was the only one who felt inferior to others, you know like at ANY MOMENT I would be found out for being a complete fraud. I worried that the management team would all be in a huddle somewhere discussing me and scratching their heads in amazement they'd ever seen fit to put kids in my care... Of course that was in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I never had any observation that wasn't positive, but even so I thought I had just got really clever at hiding my incompetence.

Why do we do that to ourselves? I make a point now of dipping in and out of lessons all the time and giving teachers a pat on the back. That way I'm hoping lesson observations will become less traumatic and I will have picked up any issues beforehand.

Life has got to be less stressful somehow. Nothing worth drinking over anyway that's for sure.

The Head is out for the rest of the week and so extra pressure on me. Ugh. I'm not ready to be responsible...I want to go sit on a beach and skim stones across the waves...that's what I was born to do.

Have a good day everyone xxx

Huxley

I love it when my boss drops into my lessons - you're doing a really nice thing there. I'm sorry you're under pressure again this week, but do you break up next Friday?

We had a great day at work yesterday - none of my department joined in the strike, we went in and taught all of Y11 all day, prepping them for their exam next week. The kids were AMAZING and learned so much without the rest of the school getting in the way haha! We could get so much done without all those pesky other subjects...

Am playing badminton with my brother this morning. Can't wait. Day 6 bring it on...

Love you all xxxx

Huxley

Oh oh, and that's EXACTLY how I felt, you genius Jeni! Like everyone just assumed I'm a good teacher for some reason, and any minute a wave of astonished news is going to sweep through the school - hey guys, did you know, Huxley's actually not that good. No, I know! Apparently it's all smoke and mirrors, the massive faker.

Oh, yeah, and she's a drunk.

Haha! Screw you, brain, I'm a drunk in recovery

xxx

hypochondriac

Gosh, I though it was just me who thought that too, that any minute now people would discover I am a complete fraud. I get that a lot. I have always felt guilty that my work wasn't my only interest, like it pretty much was for my dad and most other violin makers I know. I loved it when I got this job because my colleague is just the same. But the downside is that we both beat ourselves up about our abilities when in actual fact we both have incredibly high standards and are pretty good at what we do. We were talking about this yesterday and have decided to do a list of all the positive and negative feedback we get. We already know which one will be longer but we still have ridiculous amounts of anxiety about these things.

Well done on day 6 Hux x

Huxley

Thank you darling It was really nice to see my brother and be honest about why I cancelled our plans last Sunday. And to have a bit of a cry and a hug and then play badminton. He won one - he's definitely getting better, I'm going to have to up my game a bit...

Hypo, there's a brilliant conversation in House between Wilson and Cuddy, when she's beating herself up over finding it difficult to juggle all of the incredibly difficult things in her life. He asks her why women set such ridiculously high expectations for themselves and then beat themselves so badly when they fail to achieve them. I love that. H is really happy to chug along in his life (our life) gradually improving and learning and growing, but day-to-day he's pretty much just chugging along. While I'm... well, I'm me. Ridiculously, endlessly difficult ambitions and expectations. What d'you mean I can't be a successful writer, an outstanding teacher and a devoted wife AND read all those books AND work out three times a day AND learn to speak Spanish and to play the guitar? Dammit, those are the LEAST I should be doing!!!!

xxxxx

hypochondriac

The funny thing is I am entirely convinced that I don't set the high expectations but that others project them on to me. I think I have always felt like I am falling short of something. Ultimately though, if I had my way I would be sat at home reading all the time. I actually have pretty low expectations of myself and just feel guilty about it so make some half arsed attempt at doing normal functional things. All the things I enjoy doing are utterly pointless and not useful in making a living.

InsertNameHere

Damn Hypo, its kinda scary how much I can relate to what you said. I have extremely low expectations of myself, I figured for a long time that if I didn't expect things then I would never be dissapointed. The flaws in that thought process is actually described in a book about depression that my sponsor gave me. A lot of the expectations of myself that I never seem to measure up to have to do with my proffesion. I have walked around for years with that feeling of "I'm not good enough" and feeling that all of my professional endeavors are some kind of poorly acted charade, like I don't really know what I'm doing so I try my best always "knowing" that my best is pathetic. Then also like quite a few of us it seems I have that "if you only knew" thinking, thinking that at some point someone is going to realize how much of a fraud I am or that they know it already and just aren't saying anything. That's one of the reasons for my isolating especially from those I worked for or with, because dear god no I couldn't let them get to know me, the person I presented to them was flawed enough, if they really got to know me there would have to be a public stoning lol. Man, there is a hole I am only beginning to work my way out of.

Huxley

Man, it's crazy how many of my favourite people are secretly carrying this. INH, you completely rock; I can't believe what you've achieved in the short time that I've known you. I have nothing but respect.

I finally convinced H that I'm not always the best at my job. He was carrying this idea of, "yeah but even on a bad day you'd be better than average." He was arguing that because I care and I like the kids and they like being in my class they'll learn just by, like, being near me or something. Haha! God I love that boy. I told him that on Tuesday I told my Tourism class that since we were all beat from the English deadlines and exam, we really needed a bit of a break, so they spent the 2-hour lesson on their iPads "researching."

He agreed that I do indeed suck

Jeni26

I'm thinking Hux that you are exceptionally skilled and talented at what you do, but that brilliance cannot be maintained all the time, so it dips to less than ok sometimes in order for you to re-gain your strength. Other people can just maintain a better than average run forever, but those kids might never be inspired in the same way yours are. They like you because you're a great teacher MOST of the time. Reckon in the long run, you're the sort of teacher who makes a real difference to their lives. Ok? No beating yourself up now. I won't allow it.

I've given up chocolate. Did you hear that? I'VE GIVEN UP CHOCOLATE!! Life will never be the same again. This is tougher than the smoking. I kid you not....

Love to you all xxx

Huxley

Thank you

And, AAGGGHHHH!!! You nutjob!! Why, Jen, why would you do that to yourself??

I've given up any chocolate except Fairtrade (one of my knuckle-dragging 16-year-old boys wrote a coursework essay on child slavery, made me cry, never going back) and that was hard enough! Thank god for Dairy Milk's big step forwards.

So, why? And for how long? And...why???

So, it's Sunday, which marks day 7 for me. I know I posted earlier and that was Sunday too, but it was still dark so it didn't count. I ran along the seafront to where H is working like I did last week, only this time I wasn't crying and wishing I was dead. Woo-hoo! LDT says I'm making progress And I feel better about never drinking again than I have in a year. In fact, this time last year I'd put SR down and was already planning to drink at Christmas. Dammit, no - I'd already drunk on holiday. Dammit, I'd completely forgotten about that. So 4 slips not three. Hey ho, that just makes my decision to mark a new sober date a good one.

Love you xxxx

Jeni26

You are totally different this year Hux. Totally. There is an honesty and a vulnerability about you that makes all this more real. It's like you're not hiding any more. You're standing up straight and facing this head on. You rock.

I'm giving up choc because I'm addicted to it...and I can't be doing with addiction any more. Plus I've put on loads of weight since I gave up smoking. You won't recognise me any more! X

hypochondriac

That's one of the reasons I went vegan too Jeni. I would sit there and eat a whole 100g bar of milk chocolate, maybe a couple of times a day, but at least once. I just eat the fairtrade dark chocolate now and you can't eat a whole bar of that cos you'd be sick, but it's nice and gets rid of the chocolate craving. My 'addiction' seems to just pass itself round to other things. I don't seem to be able to get rid of it so I just try to keep changing it. Actually at the moment I am not too bad. My last one was to oreo cookies and I just did a week without any so I must be okay! Yay

What's the book INH? I have to say that has been my thought process for a long time but I have suspected it may have been flawed, but then I have been listening to these buddhist podcasts that keep saying 'lower your expectations'. Actually thinking about it I think I have low expectations of myself and high expectations of others, that's not right! A big part of it for me is just not wanting to be here. That's the best way I can describe it. It is isn't depression and I am not suicidal but I am hugely disappointed with life in general. The thought of having to participate in it is exhausting to me.

That said today I am going to a 2 year olds birthday party A friend of mine who I don't see very often just had a miscarriage so I want to go give her a hug. Plus her nan is going into hospital for an operation for lung cancer. It is just horrible right now because she has already lost both of her parents, and with the 2nd baby and now her nan. I just can't imagine how she must feel. Me and another friend are taking flowers and chocolates and cuddly toys for the little un.

Tomorrow I have my induction for volunteering too. I am excited about this but as above, I am having fears of inadequacy already, and I don't even know what I'll be doing yet.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend x

InsertNameHere

The book is called "the depression book" subtitled "depression as an opportunity for spiritual practice". Its not a very big book, and I can quote the page I was referring to, as so I will do that now

(the quotation marks inside my quotation marks are in the book meant to quote your own inner thoughts)

"We believe that if we don't get our hopes up we won't be disappointed.
"If I am always disappointed, then disappointment wont be so disappointing."
"If i'm not to happy and optomistic, I won't have so far to fall when bad times hit."
The place where most people can recognize that is the times when they've been feeling good for a while and then they start getting nervous that it won't last. This is commonly known as "waiting for the other shoe to drop."
Belief: If I maintain a low grade depression, maybe I can shield myself from real unhappiness.
(ed.'s note: If this page describes you, have you ever asked yourself if this process actually works?)"

That's the page i was talking about. There is a little more in the book, it isn't an end all be all, but it got me started thinking about certain beliefs and things I simply took as writ.

Ditto, I find myself disappointed (have I used that word too much in one post?) with life in general. I am sure this is somehow my fault, but regardless I feel like a disappointed customer who can't find his sales receipt to return an item, and is now stuck with it. I often say that I just don't like life in general, for a while there (I was going to say a long time but I am not sure now that it was a "long time") I dreaded waking up in the morning. Now I don't dread it, but I don't exactly wake up thinking "Yeah another day!" Mostly I just get on with what I don't seem to have a choice in, and try to see any bright side that I can, even if the extremely pointless and or ****** parts seem to be the dominant forces in life.

My latest theory is that most of my life I have lived in my own head, I am a consummate day dreamer and secretly wish I had super powers , and life just can't live up to that. while I may not actually expect life to be how I imagine it, I am still let down somehow that it isn't. Also there is the belief that most people aren't worth getting to know because they are assholes and idiots. I am starting to think I am wrong there as well, its just that we live in a very defensive and suspicions culture, where meeting new worthwhile people is made harder than necessary. That and there really are a lot of idiots out there lol.

On that note there is one dude in the meeting hall that I go to that is really trying to be my friend, and at first I thought I was going to give it a chance as i needed to be more social. However, the more I get to know this guy the more I can't stand him. I really don't like this dude and kinda feel bad that i am being standoffish now, but seriously hanging out with this guy does nothing but annoy and frustrate me.

Anyhow, yeah I feel you Hypo on being crestfallen with life. I had to look up synonyms for disappointed to get crestfallen as I was using it too much . I am working on it slowly, mostly by trying to ignore the world and work on myself and make sure I feel better about me. I figure I can't change the world and life in general, but i might have a chance at changing my attitude about myself and therefore, maybe my outlook on life. I don't know that I have great expectations about that last one but that is a secret back of my mind thing anyway, mostly I am just hoping to one day be as okay (maybe even good) about myself, whatever comes after that is farther away than I even want to speculate on.

Man I get rambling and thinking out loud on here. I might need to start journaling more often or something, as most of these thoughts weren't even articulated in my head how I said them here until I started typing. So now after subjecting you all unjustly to whatever happens to pour out of my fingertips once again, I am going to shut up.

Have a good one all. Sorry for the rant, but as you know I do that a lot, thanks for putting up with it.

hypochondriac

Thanks for that INH I might have to get that book. I don't think I really suffer from depression too much. I used to get these patches of depression that lasted for months though and I couldn't drag myself out of them. It's not so bad now. But when I think back to my childhood I was a total loner and always wanted to go off on my own and have always been very passive in friendships. I don't think I don't want to make friends with people, I actually attach pretty easily to people and am often surprised when they don't too. But I just don't feel the need to be around them all the time. I am a terrible daydreamer too Except I don't have superpowers. Maybe super powers of the perfect comeback cos most of my daydreams are playing out arguments and confrontations in my head. I swear to god I am paranoid as hell. My general dissatisfaction in life I think comes a lot from not fitting in, not wanting the normal stuff in life that other people seem to, like a nice house, kids, a good job. I really have no desire for these things. I really don't know what I do want. I see a lot of sh;t around me that I'd like to help fix. I was a total hippy when I was a kid, campaigning for animal rights and the like, but I lost that a bit in the drinking years. I used to like yoga when I was a kid too so it is nice to get back to that, though in a much less flexible way! But other than that I feel a bit aimless. I just wanna read books and walk the dog. Btw INH this is the perfect place to rant Well I am hoping so anyway cos that's all I do here. I have discovered that even children's birthday parties are a trigger for me. Not because lots of people were drinking, though a few were, but for being thrown in a room with a bunch of people you don't know or have anything in common with. I felt really awkward for about 20 mins and clung to my friend for dear life. Then it was totally fine. I just played with the kids (more my mindset ) and my friends tortoise and joked around with some of the adults. I can function without booze, I can function without booze... Oh and there was a firework display near mine so I was looking forward to a mental night with the dog, but it turns out peanut butter is the perfect distraction and she wasn't bothered Good day all round x

Jeni26

It is uncanny how similar we all are. I have felt much the same as you both for a long time. I also live in my head most of the time.. I'm either reliving past scenarios where I feel I have been wronged or am imagining future ones which may or may not happen. When I type it out like that, I realise what a huge waste of my time that is. I am just starting to get the hang of mindfulness and living in the moment. It is really powerful when we learn to do that. I simply cannot prepare for every eventuality. It is pointless.
The other day I was driving to work and I passed an accident. It must just have happened because the emergency services weren't there yet. I had to drive past a van which had overturned and was blocking 2 lanes. No-one seemed to be hurt and I continued driving. But my thoughts went haywire...they lurched from feeling shocked and concerned to how I would feel if it was my son. By the time I'd got to work I had almost planned my son's funeral in my head. I was so upset and anxious! I had to unravel it all and remember it wasn't even real.
I deliberately isolate from people because I just can't be bothered. Yesterday I went over to my friends for lunch and it was lovely, although it took me a little while to relax. That was the first time I had been out for months. I really got out of practice in how to talk to people...

Anyway, that's enough rambling. I wonder how Job is. I hope he checks in soon. And where's Hux this morning?

Have a good day everyone. 5 days til half-term and counting...

Xxx

InsertNameHere

Oh, I forgot to mention, I got 9 months today! Can you believe that ****?!?! Go me

Jeni26

9 months is brilliant!!!

InsertNameHere

Haha double ditto on that one, I have tended to get away from being as bad as I used to be about it, but I can still get on a tangent if driving like you were, or late at night by myself smoking in my backyard. I don't know if I am practising mindfullness its only that I have been told that doing that stresses me out or more commonly angers me over something that has never and probably will never happen. Or if the event being replayed and revamped is in the past it is something that it does me no good only bad, to dwell on and I just need to let it go. I don't really think that out all the way I just try to stop myself whenever I realize I am doing it. That action is so second nature though that I don't always catch myself until I am minutes in and starting to get emotionally into the internal conversation, by then its sometimes hard to stop on a dime lol.

Huxley

Hey beautiful people, sorry too tired to post properly but wanted to check in and tell you I love you.

And INH, you ******* rock!!!! Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - Can't Hold Us (Live on KEXP) - YouTube