hypochondriac

I hope you'll post here more Job too March needs it's Marchers x Where's Huxley disappeared to too? (bad English! I work with a couple of Koreans and I am always telling them not to learn from my weird sentence structures!).

Getting back to reading is one of the major pluses of sobriety I reckon. I could never see the page in my drinking days never mind focus on the words. At the moment I am reading lots of science fiction along with some alcoholic biographies. I am working my way through the list in the newcomer stickies. It takes me a while though because I don't read them on the bus in case anyone see's and thinks I am an alcoholic!

I was at work yesterday, another really busy day. I am quite enjoying it at the moment. Typical procrastinators thing to say but I work better under pressure. This morning I have just been out with the dog. We met a few other people so it's been quite social so far. I am teaching later so best clean the house up...

Jeni26

God, I had forgotten how much I love reading. It really is like picking up with an old friend to curl up with a book. I feel like I've dropped an old abusive lover in alcohol and settled down now to what feels comfortable.

How has this taken me so long to work out? I'm sure I'm a slow learner and others get this much faster than me.

I had a really successful counselling session yesterday...she can see real progress now (again, about time!). She said I'm usually fragmented and dissociated a lot during sessions, but that it didn't happen once yesterday.

Last day of the holidays, I didn't sleep well but I'm determined not to mope today. I'm going to prepare for the week, do the food shopping and cook lunch for the 4 of us. This has been such a lovely break from the usual stresses and I am determined to enjoy it until the very last minute rather than dread the next few weeks. After all, I don't have to stay in a job I don't enjoy do I? I have real choices and sobriety has given me that blessing.

I've not heard from Hux for a few weeks, I will give her a nudge to see if she's ok. She starts a new job next week I believe.

Have a good day Hypo.

And check in Job xxxxxxx

Jeni26

Thinking of Job, hoping he calls in soon xxx

Back at work and it feels like I've never been away! Crazy way of working i tell you! not a moment to stop all day, I ate my lunch driving home from work in the car, and went straight to a meeting. I'm going from work to my meditation course tonight. I'm hoping that will really do me good. I'm feeling stronger and quite mellow in spite of the stress, I even shared at my meeting last night despite the fact the last time I did it I had a panic attack. So....I hesitate to say this...but things are ok so far....

Hope all is well with everyone else. X

hypochondriac

You manage to do so much Jeni, I feel so lazy in comparison. I'm sorry work has been so hectic. I am sure the meditation will help with that.

I am thinking of going to a yoga class next week. I have been stretching a lot because I've been having back problems and it seems the logical thing to do. It is a miracle for me to voluntary do anything that involves leaving the house though.

Last night I did go to a gig with a friend. Much to my disappointment I am still socially awkward and iffy about the whole not drinking thing. Two people commented on me not drinking and I was defensive and changed the subject both times! One person was a more casual acquaintance but my other friend is someone I have known for years. She wrote my referral for volunteering as we organise a group together and I was expecting her to ask about it at some point as it is an alcohol addiction agency. I thought if she did I would tell her I volunteered there because I was a service user, but because she asked 'are you not drinking tonight' I just said no and changed the subject. What gives? Or am I not supposed to tell people and make a big deal out of it. It seems disingenuous to not be honest about it but at the same time I am really reluctant to. Plus everybody was drinking there. I was just saying to someone the other day how not everyone is out drinking, but there I was out on a monday night with a bunch of old folkies all drinking pints of stinky beer

Work has been manic for me too, and I want a medal for not murdering my co-worker who can't carry out a simple task without asking a million follow up questions... I know we shouldn't be asking for praise for not doing stuff we shouldn't be doing anyway like drinking, or murder, but damn it I want my medal!

InsertNameHere

Sometimes I think there should be medals for not murdering people too Hypo lol!!

Jeni26

Hypo...I'm socially awkward too, but I'm learning that its just a part of me. I have always been the same apart from when I was drinking, when I managed to transform into some sort of social butterfly. I just don't go out to pubs unless its for a meal. I don't put myself into that situation where people might question me about my drinking. I'm a bit reclusive I think. Not sure if its right or wrong, but I guess I just lost sight of who I really was. Certainly not the loud, outrageous risk-taking drunk one. Probably the complete opposite of her. Thing is, I'm really quite happy not going out. I prefer to be at home. And for the moment, that's ok by me.

Yeah, you can have a medal for not murdering....but only if I can have one for not falling asleep at the wheel. Ugh, 2 long days, I haven't got home til 10 pm, and getting up early is a struggle already and it's only Wednesday.

Anyway....meditation was absolutely brilliant. I feel inspired. At one point I almost got overcome with emotion, and I do not EVER do that. Months of counselling, and not a tear, but sitting in a room with 3 strangers and visualising a completely peaceful place...and my eyes starting filling up! Good grief!

Anyway, I'm going to love it. I already feel like the other women there are friends, and I've only known them 2 hours! It was amazingly peaceful, calm and safe. I actually thought of you Hypo, shame you don't live closer to me xxx

jobei

Hey hope everyone is doing well, just wanted to check in.
It's been 5 days and things are OK. Just so you know it's
Just as bad out there with booze in your life, I made the
Foolish mistake of forgetting that.

hypochondriac

Hey Job, thanks for stopping by x How's things? Are you getting some support with quitting?

Hey Jeni I would happily travel and meet you somewhere convenient for us both just for a quick coffee Okay, we're not close enough to meet up regularly but once in a blue moon isn't unfeasible x

I am actually okay with the social stuff usually. I am, and always have been really, better with people I don't know than existing friends. Maybe because they don't know me and don't have any preconceived ideas about me... I am also better socially with people I don't like which seems stupid but I live in terror of making an arse out of myself in front of people I respect. I am definitely more reclusive now and that suits me fine too. I just feel abnormal when I am out with other people. I really need more sober friends up here. My friend I was out with the other night hardly drinks at all but she still forces down half a lager shandy. Maybe I will meet some nice people if I go to that yoga class

Jeni26

Hi Job, it's good to hear from you. Tell us how it's going...don't forget how much SR can help. Besides, me and Hypo are your English sisters, remember? Xxx

Hypo, am loving the coffee idea. We will arrange something privately x

Interesting that you are better with people you don't know. I'm okish with that scenario too because I can be whoever I think they want me to be, and they don't know any different. To be honest, I can't really be bothered with trying too hard. I'm eternally lazy and after a hard day/week at work I'd rather be at home doing nothing. All or nothing. Sigh. Yeah, same old story....!!

Yoga sounds cool. Meditation lasts 8 weeks, perhaps I will look into that next. Actually they run a class at my gym so I could go to that. God, this self-improvement malarkey gets exhausting doesn't? Lol xxx

hypochondriac

How is everyone doing?

I am feeling spectacularly useless this weekend on the sheer basis that I have a to do list of things to do which isn't getting shorter. That old procrastination thing again. The sum total of my achievements this weekend are collecting a bike from work and doing my laundry. I was also supposed to clean the entire house and sort some lights out for the bike so I can use it to get to yoga tomorrow. Looks like I'm walking...

Jeni26

Cleaning the entire house sounds like a good thing to avoid at all costs. Procrastination isn't all bad.

I'm in a bit of a productive spell though work is starting to dominate everything again. I missed my meeting last night as I worked late and that sort of sets my week off on the wrong foot. I've got some horrible stressful situations to have to face today and I'm wanting to avoid rather than face it. Hmm...guess the holiday is well and truly over.

Where's INH?

hypochondriac

I cleaned my kitchen and bathroom Jeni. I am leisurely tackling the rest, which usually means reorganising my books for 3 days and then manically doing the rest 10 mins before someone comes to visit.

So... my news is that I have an AA sponsor now All a bit sudden but I stumbled onto an online AA forum and asked and they said no problem we'll sort you out with a sponsor in a few days, which they did and we have been emailing each other daily since. She actually lives less than an hour away from me so face to face isn't unfeasible. So that's all good.

I am still waiting back to hear about my volunteering, all my paperwork is in now so I am just waiting on them now.

Work is okay at the moment. I am having a few problems with a moody colleague but my manager has noticed it too so I have support. He basically just doesn't like the work he is doing but it is all stuff that needs to be done. I get the brunt of the arseyness though as I have to organise everyone's workload. Hey ho.

My yoga class was good Quite full on for a beginners class but most of it is stuff I have done before so it isn't too bad. I am quite looking forward to next weeks already.

Oh, and I have been emailing someone who is a potential date... wasn't in my game plan but he asked and I didn't find him irritating so I thought why not? (answers on a postcard please...) He might however be potentially insane, I am not sure so could be interesting...

Another positive that might sound odd... my friend has separated from her wife. It's good because our friendship suffered because her partner was suspicious of me. But we have always just been really close. Basically it means we get to hang out now, which is good as she has my dogs sister

Oh and a few people have commented that I have lost weight The vegan lifestyle is paying off

How is everyone else getting on?

Hux, INH, Nicky..?

Jeni26

Gosh Hypo...you've got a lot going on..an AA sponsor? A hot date? Yoga, and cleaning the entire house!! Whoa, you spend a year procrastinating and then it all happens at once!!

Well, I will need to know everything about your date. This reminds me of when Job first started dating. And btw, you must check in with us Job!! I think about you lots xxx

And I'm really surprised by the AA sponsor. But pleased too...will you work on-line all the time? Are you going to start doing the steps with her? I have taken a step away from my meetings now, I just do one a week, but still follow the principles everyday. I've incorporated some AVRT as that has worked so well with the smoking, and together with counselling, meditation, SR and exercise, seem to have found a way to stay sober and achieve peace. My own little programme!

INH, how's things?? I get anxious when people disappear. Hux is ok, I heard from her last week. Very naughty about not posting..I will have words!!

Have a good day. Friday is nearly here xxx

InsertNameHere

Hey guys, or gals rather, I'm still around, been reading just not posting. Like an AA meeting I don't always know what to talk about and when I am uncertain I just figure keeping quiet is the best way to go.

Hypo congrats on the sponsor, and the date (I hope he isnt crazy) and i the friend being available to be a friend. Sorry work is difficult I know how it is when there is always something even if you fixed everything about work there would still be something else to crop up and be annoying/difficult to deal with. At least that's what it seems like.

Jen, you seem to be handling going back to work well, if I recall correctly you weren't really looking forward to it.

Other than that I can ramble on about what is going on in my life, but I'm not sure how much good it would do anyone including me. Mostly I just chug along, try not to be too annoyed by people, especially myself. And try to do whatever it is I should be doing, when I can't or don't do that I just try to do what I must, failing that is when I start feeling shift about myself and then just try to not beat myself up to bad and take whatever comfort in can in however I managed to do well. Of course there are all kinds of details mixed in there but that's the wide scope view (I think).

Post script; Hypo trust and believe your procrastination on house cleaning has nothing on mine not that its a contest but unless you are running biology experiments out of your kitchen like me I think you're doing alright, by my standards any least.

hypochondriac

Hey, we'd love to hear random stories from your life! It can be quite cathartic to rant away. To be honest I find it quite nice just to be able to tell people what's going on with me on a minor level, whether you're interested in hearing it or not My friends just want to know about births deaths and marriages at this point and my life is so quiet that I have nothing interesting to tell them.

On the plus side there are no science experiments in my kitchen It is so small that I generally have to wash up before I can cook.

I was a little surprised at the AA sponsor myself Jeni. I felt such relief when I stopped going that I didn't think I really wanted that, but I did really want to do the steps before (everyone goes on about how they are such a great thing, I didn't want to feel like I was missing out ), I was just a bit shaky on the meetings. The reason I think I stopped going though was because I couldn't find anyone to sponsor me and I felt a bit lost and paranoid. I am looking forward to having a bit of structure and having someone tell me what to do. So far I have been largely just making it up as I go along. My sponsor seems really nice too, and I am hoping to be able to incorporate the steps into my recovery without having to abandon the influences I got from AVRT or abandon my atheist worldview. It should be doable My perspective changes so much on things as time passes though so I am being open minded. I am aware that I have unnecessary issues with spirituality which I need to get past. I had an abusive partner who was very 'spiritual' and meditated all the time, all the while berating me for my lack of spirituality and generally being an absolutely vile person. And there are all my muso hippy friends who talk about spirituality and act like the sh;tty little painting they did is going to change the world. I have hippy roots but I am more an angry anarchist type. But that is the thing I need to work on. I don't mind being angry at political stuff but I am in general an angry resentful person towards others in my daily life too. I try not to be but it seems to be at my core. I am hoping the steps helps with that...

See INH, ranty ramblings... your turn x

InsertNameHere

Don't say you didn't ask for it.

Since I passed the last course we are starting a new one that is giving me some difficulty but not too much. Mostly what is really kicking my but is the fact that the new boss is more of a stickler for physical training, I am kinda pooped. During this course we are putting the lessons we learned in the first one into actual practice as before it was all theoretical. So now we are trouble shooting circuit cards in a radio training system. For starters the instructors seem to be happy with just sitting there discussing football (the American version, you know the one that barley involves using your feet ) rather than actually helping any of their students. I was going to work alone on my radio, as I usually prefer working alone, but one of the others in my class noticed and grouped up with me. That annoyed me mildly as I find I do better without someone else there to slow me down. Then, we were supposed to be working with "known good" radios, meaning that the radios worked just like they are supposed to. All so that we can go through measuring at various points and seeing what we should see if everything is working correctly. This is so that later in the week, when they give us an intentionally broken radio, when we hit a measurement that is wrong we would know it. Unfortunately none of the instructors actually bothered to test the radios prior to giving them to us. Throughout the day we asked several questions but were given varying answers, that at the time seemed legitimate and we tried to apply them, but in retrospect it now seems like either ignorance by the instructors covered with pretended knowledge, from a new instructor, or from the experienced one brush off answers as he was much to interested in bullshitting with the other instructors and students. To his credit The new instructor did come around to offer help but now I know that he doesn't really know what he is doing that well so his help, well, didn't. About 3/4's of the way into the day, me and my partner are now thoroughly confused at the readings we're getting. Eventually during the last hour and a half a civilian instructor that has been with the school for years and is an expert on most of the courses provided stops in just to check us out, stops at our radio. Suddenly after he takes an interest in one component we are stuck on because it is not doing what it should be. Suddenly once he sees a problem all the instructors are very involved with us and they find that the radio we have been measuring and asking questions on all day, is completely jacked up. It took them the next hour and a half to adjust it to where it would work correctly, meaning that all of our work up to that point was meaningless. I was fairly frustrated that day to say the least, but of course I just kept it to myself and let my frustrations seethe. We moved onto another radio that two other students had finished hours ago so we knew it was good, and did what we could in the time we had left. Its only been a week but I have already encountered more of the same from the instructors and think its a pattern I will come to know and love. The one good thing about that is that it does force you to learn yourself, the hard way. Generally with me those are the lessons I don't forget. Unfortunately they also take longer to learn and time is not a luxury I have in these classes, we test out next week.

Recently I have been giving rides to an older lady and a guy about my age, to be honest they mostly annoy me as a lot of people do. The guy I get along with alright, I just wish he would stop slamming my car door. The woman while a perfectly nice person is a little dim in my opinion. no matter how we try to explain a viewpoint or an idea she completely gets it wrong and then steers the conversation back to herself in a usually unrelated way. I find it annoying. I say nothing to either of them, at least nothing critical as that wouldn't do any good either. The guy, I can honestly relate to and have had some conversations with, he is struggling with staying sober for any amount of time, but seems to kind of want to. We will see how he does, all I can really do is tell him what I have done and continue to offer the rides to meetings that I have been.

Wednesday "the hall" (where I go to meetings) was plagued by flies as its raining here in the desert so their breeding, well, like flies. One guy knew a trick for getting rid of flies which is a bowl of bubbly soapy water. Raised up to them, they sometimes fly into the bubbles and get stuck. So I spent the whole meeting holding a bowl of water up above my head, I didn't get all of them but I got a lot. I didn't spill the water once. That actually made me happy, something to do that I can handle, easy, repetitive, and simple, makes me smile.

Thursday, I was late to work, again. I don't remember doing it but I must have shut off both of my alarms and then went back to sleep.

Oh did I mention that my evening meeting gets done with at 930, then we hang out for a while after, say 1030 or 1100 then I have to make the 20 minute drive home, then wake up at 0500 in the morning. That might have something to do with the previous sentence/paragraph.

So I was late, which I have made an exceptionally bad habit of lately and as you can imagine is not something that is acceptable in the Marine Corps. They tend to seriously frown on that. If it were only that then I could probably deal with it easily enough, but its the part where I beat myself up in my head that really gets to me. I am already down on myself as it is for all of my other failings as far as what I "should" be and do as a Staff Non-Commissioned Officer (SNCO) in the Corps. That is just one more notch on the demerit stick that I use to flog myself mentally. I am trying to do as my sponsor says and don't "should" on myself but its getting difficult.

For my personal life, I have been a lazy lazy man. My house is a wreak, clothes all over my bedroom floor, dishes piled, cans of soda and energy drinks laying around willy nilly. seriously its bad. I just never seem to care enough to do anything about it. I find it difficult to motivate myself to do just the bare minimum that i need to do so that I can go to work the next day, thats about it. Whenever I have a day off I spend the whole time lazing in front of "my wife" which is what I have taken to calling my computer and watching movies. That is exactly the same thing I used to do when drinking. Now thankfully I am not drinking, but most of the rest of my life has remained the same. My outlook on things has certainly improved, but other than the fact that I drag myself to meetings everyday, not much else has. I am still trying to figure out if I should care or not about the mess, as I have lived in worse and no one sees it but me. Sometimes I do sometimes I don't. I know one thing i need to do is get bedroom furniture as the clothes will never get off the floor if I don't have anywhere else to put them haha.

Random other note, my dad is being annoying as hell. For back story he didn't raise me, just wanted to be a part of my life after I was already grown. He is definitely a black sheep in his family and I learned why years ago when he took advantage of me momentarily. he is a perfect example of manipulative selfishness and delusions of grandeur, oh did I mention he is pretty much an alike himself though he would never admit it, he refers to himself as a wino. Any how he insists on calling me once or twice a week and blathering on about what he is doing. I couldn't care less, but I never tell him so, I just let most of the calls go to voice mail. There is a story in there that I could easily write a whole other rant about but I will spare you all the horror.

Here is another one for you. For service work I am the acting "stockboy" for "the hall" (again the place where I go to meetings). meaning that I stock the fridge with sodas, and make sure the hall has all the rest of the supplies it needs to function; toilet paper, papertowels, sugar, creamer, coffee, ect.. Now however I have three different secretaries wanting me to take over their meetings. I was already getting a little indignant about the "old timers" inability to do much of anything, as it seems like once you reach a certain amount of time sober service work is beneath you. There are of course a few rare exceptions to that rule, and I admire/pay attention more to them that actually practice what they preach. But I have seen five meetings change hands since I started going to them, and all but one went into the hands of a newcomer, and they took it, not really knowing what they were doing but because they felt obligated to. Not once have I seen one of the "old timers" volunteer instead they have nominated the newcomers which is why they feel obligated. I am wanting to ask some of them when was the last time they acted as secretary for a meeting. Some of them I imagine it has been a while. That is something that I don't let get to me to bad, but it niggles in the back of my mind, especially when I was asked the third time, and especially when each of the people asking have made it sound like I was the only option, two of which actively applied subtle guilt tactics, knowingly or not, to try to get me to agree. Regardless of that, I thought this kind of thing was not appointed by the current secretary, like a leader nominating a successor, but rather a group decision by the meeting overall? When its all said and done though, I would be willing to take on a meeting, but only one, and not confidently at that. I just don't like being persuaded/encouraged/guilt-ed into something via subversive means, maybe that is a harsh word. I would rather see some people that have a year or more sober (that is supposed to be the secretary time requirement but 4/5 meetings I have seen change hands have waived it) step up, but they don't.

That is all I have for right now. I am tired, and enjoying my Friday, its the first time this week I have been able to just sit and relax for more than two hours. Sorry for the giant bitch session that turned out to be, like I said I am not sure how much good writing that can do me or you reading it. Either way its written now so might as well not waste it.

Have a good weekend everyone, I hope you have a good Saturday.

hypochondriac

Yay. See, you have stuff to say

That post made me smile, if not only because there are a lot of similarities with me there... y'know, people annoying the hell out of me, having a horrendously messy home...

I have had a sh;tty day at work. There have been some issues with a colleague of mine and I think my manager had words with him, well she had a meeting with my boss then my colleague. The thing that bugs me though is that no one has told me what's been going on, and she has been off with me all day so now I am paranoid that he's been complaining about me (I am technically his manager and have to organise his workload). I am feeling really excluded at work. But it's the little things that are bugging me... my manager complaining that the kitchen side is always wet, when she has never done any washing up in months (I think she is like your oldtimers where she thinks she has passed an age or service duty and now she doesn't have to wash up or make tea)... my colleagues who are korean always speak their own language when it is just me and them in the workshop but then make an effort to speak english when my manager is around... it is all petty stuff and I don't feel like I can complain, especially with all the issues about my 'attitude'. Maybe I am just really intolerant.

But I am glad there is something in your post that made you smile. Sometimes we have to hold on to the little things. I have just watched my dog figure out how to get treats out of a new interactive toy I got her. She normally figures them out pretty quick but this one has had her stumped for a few days. I'm so proud

Well, tis the weekend for me. No more work for two whole days

Jeni26

You too are alike! Your posts made me smile, I can't really relate to those irritations too much. I'm a lot more chilled than that generally although I occasionally get a resentment over nothing that can build unless I face it. Working the steps of AA has really helped with this. But generally, no, I don't feel anger or irritation to any great extent. H on the other hand.... In fact, I'm finding it increasingly hard to put up with his continual ranting over everything. I mean, I love him to bits, but I so wish he would take that chip off his shoulder and take a look at the positives sometimes. The Mr.Angry act is wearing a bit thin!! Sigh. Sorry, what was I just saying about not getting resentful!!

My problems are anxiety and fear, but counselling is really helping with this. I'm coping with the stress of the job better this term too, and I'm trying not to take on board other people's issues as though they're my own.

Off to cook dinner now. Love to you all x

hypochondriac

Oh I have anxiety and fear as well as anger! It is strange how anxious I have been recently for no good reason. The other day I broke out in hives again. I didn't even notice it happen, just woke up and noticed all these red dots on my legs.

Glad you are coping with stress better Jeni Got any good tips? x

Jeni26

Anxiety is horrid I know xx

I still feel like that but I'm learning how to think rationally through it. Most of mine happens as a result of me running a succession of scenarios through my mind. They start off as a niggling worry but grow into something huge. It is what I'm programmed to do...as a result of my counselling I can see that as a kid I lived forever on 'amber alert'. I became hyper-vigilant to changes in atmosphere and in people's (my Dads) mood and would go into protective mode over my siblings. I could tell by the sound of the key in the door or how he drove up the drive what sort of mood he was in. Nothing was safe for very long, we walked on eggshells. What with that and the other abuse that happened, I learned to expect the worst maybe? Dunno, but I don't always trust, even now, that the good times will last.

PTSD causes me to become anxious over the tiniest thing. I'm aware of the process my brain goes through now, and I'm learning how to stop it before it reaches panic attack level. It's a frustratingly slow old process but I'm moving forward.

Anyway, as regards work. I meditate every morning now. I'm better at sharing out the sh*t, I confront people in a nice way at the first sign of trouble, rather than avoiding confrontation. I still work too long hours but I'm a work in progress. I try not to take things personally, and I keep a photo of Crete on my laptop to remind me of the important things in life.

I also keep in mind that its JUST A JOB. I could walk away at any point. Somehow just being aware of that helps.

Anyway it's 6.15 on a grey Monday morning and I'm not fretting so something must be working!!xxx