Class of March 2012 Part 7
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
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Morning.
I was just re-reading your post Hypo and I had a thought that we can redefine ourselves at any time. Our identities are constantly changing otherwise we would forever have the personalities and thought processes of children (ahem...not sure I haven't actually...). When I was a drinker, that's how I was seen by those people in my social crowd...loud, gregarious, a risk taker etc etc. when I quit, I immediately changed and became an introvert and a bit antisocial. Now, if people meet me for the first time, I guess they would say I'm fairly quiet and reflective. Maybe. I've no need to go explaining that's the new me, or what I used to be like.
When you meet someone new, you can be who you want to be. There is no baggage you need to lay down before them. You are you. Be how you want to be Hypo. Have respect for yourself and expect it from others. You will find that someone xxx
The storm is raging here. All public transport has been cancelled and I'm glad to be at home and not driving to work today. How is it with you guys? (Hux and Hypo)...it's supposed to be worse here in the South I think. Got a feeling we may lose power soon as the lights keep flickering! Take care guys xxx
I was just re-reading your post Hypo and I had a thought that we can redefine ourselves at any time. Our identities are constantly changing otherwise we would forever have the personalities and thought processes of children (ahem...not sure I haven't actually...). When I was a drinker, that's how I was seen by those people in my social crowd...loud, gregarious, a risk taker etc etc. when I quit, I immediately changed and became an introvert and a bit antisocial. Now, if people meet me for the first time, I guess they would say I'm fairly quiet and reflective. Maybe. I've no need to go explaining that's the new me, or what I used to be like.
When you meet someone new, you can be who you want to be. There is no baggage you need to lay down before them. You are you. Be how you want to be Hypo. Have respect for yourself and expect it from others. You will find that someone xxx
The storm is raging here. All public transport has been cancelled and I'm glad to be at home and not driving to work today. How is it with you guys? (Hux and Hypo)...it's supposed to be worse here in the South I think. Got a feeling we may lose power soon as the lights keep flickering! Take care guys xxx
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Ugh. I'm struggling so much right now with feeling totally incapable of helping those who need it. I found out last week about a fellow member of SR who has gone back to drinking. I was/am good friends with him and am gutted that this fricken disease has got its claws into him again. He had worked so hard to move away and build his new life. Everywhere I look I see examples of people who just can't find their way out and now...my lovely son. Drinking all weekend and vomiting all over himself in the night.
And H is next to useless. So caught up in his own codependent alcoholic thinking.
Aargh...I really want to scream!!!
I just forget what ' normal' is you know? I spoke to my Mum last night who revealed that she's now addicted to diazepam and codeine...she was the only member of my family not an addict!!! This fricken world has just gone crazy and I need a break from it all.
And H is next to useless. So caught up in his own codependent alcoholic thinking.
Aargh...I really want to scream!!!
I just forget what ' normal' is you know? I spoke to my Mum last night who revealed that she's now addicted to diazepam and codeine...she was the only member of my family not an addict!!! This fricken world has just gone crazy and I need a break from it all.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I'm sorry Jeni. That's a lot to handle all at once.
I know it's hard to remember this but it's not your job to fix everything.
try to do something for yourself today, no matter how small, ok?
D
I know it's hard to remember this but it's not your job to fix everything.
try to do something for yourself today, no matter how small, ok?
D
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I haven't got much time to respond now as I am off to volunteering in a minute, just wanted to send massive hugs your way Jeni xxx Just remember you can't control other people's behaviour (otherwise they'd all be perfect right 
). Have a you day if you can x Not to be cheesy about it but you are being the change you want to see in the world, that's all you can do, and the best thing you can do. You are setting a good example to your son and everyone else. Oh and personally I don't see how your parents get to dump their addiction on you but you can't tell them about your own struggles. They need to sort themselves out, like you did. You can't do this for them. Anyway, hugs xxx
). Have a you day if you can x Not to be cheesy about it but you are being the change you want to see in the world, that's all you can do, and the best thing you can do. You are setting a good example to your son and everyone else. Oh and personally I don't see how your parents get to dump their addiction on you but you can't tell them about your own struggles. They need to sort themselves out, like you did. You can't do this for them. Anyway, hugs xxx
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
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Back now I have had a fabulous day and am so pleased I am doing this volunteer stuff. I had a few moments where I wondered if I would be able to handle it, time wise and stress wise, but I am loving it so far. I really think it will work really well as part of my recovery and I am learning lots of new stuff. They are incredibly supportive as well.
Thank you for your kind words Jeni. Especially this...
I was thinking the other day that I will have to wait til I get my sh*t sorted but I did suspect that it might be an extremely long term project. Besides I am much better than I was last year. At least I am not randomly bursting into tears now. I have always been very guarded with relationships though, in part because I am just like that, but also that 2 of my most significant relationships were abusive, emotionally and physically. I'd like to think that I am strong enough not to be in that situation again, or not for long anyway, but it has made me just very closed off. But I haven't found a way of having a satisfying relationship keeping people at arms length so I guess I have to have a better compromise. My friend who is recently separated is a bit of a hero to me on that front because she is just so emotionally open and non judgemental and it seems just such a pure way to be. Me, I am always cynical and distrusting and constantly on guard, and constantly trying to reiterate my independence and self reliance, a total 'I don't need you' attitude.
To be honest I really have reinvented myself already, it is just a matter of consolidating it in my head. I felt really awkward and apologetic the first few weeks I was eating vegan, but now it's fine. I guess the same applies to this
Regards your son Jeni.. Have you asked him what or how much he's drinking? I know how difficult it must be to judge these things. It seems to me that a lot of people pass of this kind of thing as a right of passage, and to a certain extent that is true. But having your experience you know the dangers. I know when I talked to my mum about my drinking I drew attention to my drinking as a kid, because she was really worried about me then, but she passed it off as just something all kids go through. It took me some time to persuade her that I carried on drinking like that. The thing is some people do do it as a kid and never drink like that again, and others just continue. All you can do is warn him of the dangers, especially of getting to the point of throwing up in his sleep, and hope he calms down. I do think it might be worth asking him how much he drinks though. I don't want this to sound rude but it might be that he is just a bit of a lightweight. I knew people who made such a show when the drank some, being sick and passing out, who never made it to the alcoholic depths I did because they just couldn't handle it. I would be more worried in a way if he was drinking all night and not being sick.
I hope you have done something nice for yourself today Jeni!
Oh, and no storm here yet...
Has it really been bad down your way? I am surprised that public transport was cancelled. I hope that happens here so I don't have to go to work
I have had a fabulous day and am so pleased I am doing this volunteer stuff. I had a few moments where I wondered if I would be able to handle it, time wise and stress wise, but I am loving it so far. I really think it will work really well as part of my recovery and I am learning lots of new stuff. They are incredibly supportive as well.Thank you for your kind words Jeni. Especially this...
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
If I'd have waited til I felt emotionally mature enough for a relationship before starting one, I'd still be waiting!!
To be honest I really have reinvented myself already, it is just a matter of consolidating it in my head. I felt really awkward and apologetic the first few weeks I was eating vegan, but now it's fine. I guess the same applies to this
Regards your son Jeni.. Have you asked him what or how much he's drinking? I know how difficult it must be to judge these things. It seems to me that a lot of people pass of this kind of thing as a right of passage, and to a certain extent that is true. But having your experience you know the dangers. I know when I talked to my mum about my drinking I drew attention to my drinking as a kid, because she was really worried about me then, but she passed it off as just something all kids go through. It took me some time to persuade her that I carried on drinking like that. The thing is some people do do it as a kid and never drink like that again, and others just continue. All you can do is warn him of the dangers, especially of getting to the point of throwing up in his sleep, and hope he calms down. I do think it might be worth asking him how much he drinks though. I don't want this to sound rude but it might be that he is just a bit of a lightweight. I knew people who made such a show when the drank some, being sick and passing out, who never made it to the alcoholic depths I did because they just couldn't handle it. I would be more worried in a way if he was drinking all night and not being sick.
I hope you have done something nice for yourself today Jeni!
Oh, and no storm here yet...
Has it really been bad down your way? I am surprised that public transport was cancelled. I hope that happens here so I don't have to go to work Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thank you Dee and Hypo. I must admit to having the teeniest meltdown yesterday and I still feel anxious today. Things are just not sitting comfortably with me at the moment. I'm so much calmer and content with my life now in general, but yesterday I wanted to scream and cry and shout 'it's not fair!'
After everything that's happened in the past year and a half, after all the work and soul searching and facing stuff...it's like I turned full circle and addiction was there in my face again and not a damn thing I can do about it.
I got sober for my kids and for me. I know I left it late but the past year has been nothing short of a miracle to me. All our times together have been relaxed and loving and just real...even the times when I've wanted to strangle my daughter lol.
And now? What's the point? Alcohol wins again. H and I are not on the same page with this one, more issues to resolve.
I've talked to my son Hypo. He's a good kid. Maybe this will just be his growing up alcohol experience. Thing is, for many years alcohol was seen as fun in our house and the kids were never exposed to the fear or violence I was as a kid. They see it differently.
Who knows? I don't. Time will tell I suppose. I just need to learn the secret of letting go and living with what I've got, which is a lot. Sigh.
After everything that's happened in the past year and a half, after all the work and soul searching and facing stuff...it's like I turned full circle and addiction was there in my face again and not a damn thing I can do about it.
I got sober for my kids and for me. I know I left it late but the past year has been nothing short of a miracle to me. All our times together have been relaxed and loving and just real...even the times when I've wanted to strangle my daughter lol.
And now? What's the point? Alcohol wins again. H and I are not on the same page with this one, more issues to resolve.
I've talked to my son Hypo. He's a good kid. Maybe this will just be his growing up alcohol experience. Thing is, for many years alcohol was seen as fun in our house and the kids were never exposed to the fear or violence I was as a kid. They see it differently.
Who knows? I don't. Time will tell I suppose. I just need to learn the secret of letting go and living with what I've got, which is a lot. Sigh.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
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I know it's not a nice thing to deal with but I wouldn't say that alcohol has won Jeni. I mean you're still kicking its arse And a mini meltdown is okay. Sometimes I think it's good to get those 'it's not fair' moments out there. But ultimately it isn't that uncommon for husbands and wives to disagree 
When you learn the secret of letting go, let us know... all I am learning is what not to do. For instance my sister is getting her son assessed for dyslexia and all my mum could say was 'the thing I worry about is that she should have done it years ago'...I think that classifies as insane unhelpful thinking...
Hope you have a better day today Jeni x What are you doing with your half term? X
And a mini meltdown is okay. Sometimes I think it's good to get those 'it's not fair' moments out there. But ultimately it isn't that uncommon for husbands and wives to disagree When you learn the secret of letting go, let us know... all I am learning is what not to do. For instance my sister is getting her son assessed for dyslexia and all my mum could say was 'the thing I worry about is that she should have done it years ago'...I think that classifies as insane unhelpful thinking...
Hope you have a better day today Jeni x What are you doing with your half term? X
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God, you're so sensible and grounded Hypo. Where would I be without you? No, alcohol hasn't won of course...and I will continue to kick its arse.
Ok...confession time. Yesterday I did allow my thoughts to follow the crazy route of....'what would happen if I drank tonight?'...would it just be as terrible? Would H join me? Could we recapture some time in the distant past when it was just fun? We were certainly on the same page then.
It was madness but I dunno why but I let those thoughts drift on for a long time. I went shopping and I looked at the vodka. I swear it made my mouth water.
I think some of it was self-sabotage too. 'Just look at your son, you were and always will be a drunk. Nothing you've done sober has made a difference. Go get pissed... '
Madness. Total madness. I don't think I was seriously tempted but it was just there, and I've got no one to fess up to now except you all here. I haven't been to an Aa meeting in weeks and am no longer in contact with my sponsor.
So in answer to your question about what I'm doing in half-term, I think the answer would be to get out of my own head and go find someone to help because that always helps me.
See you later xxx
Ok...confession time. Yesterday I did allow my thoughts to follow the crazy route of....'what would happen if I drank tonight?'...would it just be as terrible? Would H join me? Could we recapture some time in the distant past when it was just fun? We were certainly on the same page then.
It was madness but I dunno why but I let those thoughts drift on for a long time. I went shopping and I looked at the vodka. I swear it made my mouth water.
I think some of it was self-sabotage too. 'Just look at your son, you were and always will be a drunk. Nothing you've done sober has made a difference. Go get pissed... '
Madness. Total madness. I don't think I was seriously tempted but it was just there, and I've got no one to fess up to now except you all here. I haven't been to an Aa meeting in weeks and am no longer in contact with my sponsor.
So in answer to your question about what I'm doing in half-term, I think the answer would be to get out of my own head and go find someone to help because that always helps me.
See you later xxx
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I think you need to focus on your achievements more Jeni.
Addictions not some ravenous beast lunging for your throat - not anymore.
You beat it.
Don't let the fear overwhelm you. You're a great mum, a thoughtful and kind person, and you deal with other peoples lives everyday - you're very capable.
Some of this stuff you can;t do anything about - but some I think you can - the trick is working out whats what.
D
Addictions not some ravenous beast lunging for your throat - not anymore.
You beat it.
Don't let the fear overwhelm you. You're a great mum, a thoughtful and kind person, and you deal with other peoples lives everyday - you're very capable.
Some of this stuff you can;t do anything about - but some I think you can - the trick is working out whats what.
D
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks Dee. You are right. There was a time when allowing myself to drift down that mental path towards a drink would have been lethal. But it wasn't. Not really...there is no ravenous addiction beast for me any more and I know that.
I have come too far. And the truth is, after every struggle I've had there has followed a time of real growth and I learn to understand myself that bit better.
How come you know exactly the right thing to say?
How come its 9.30 am and I'm still not up? ......
Time to move on now. Thanks my friends xxx
I have come too far. And the truth is, after every struggle I've had there has followed a time of real growth and I learn to understand myself that bit better.
How come you know exactly the right thing to say?
How come its 9.30 am and I'm still not up? ......
Time to move on now. Thanks my friends xxx
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
Jen, it sounds like you are pulling through well. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and have for a while, but you seem to be dealing with it in as healthy a manner as a person can. Kudos to you there. Life happens, even in recovery, and we are going to have to deal with it as it does, some do better than others, and from what you are writing I would think your doing very well. Especially if you consider not all that long ago our only reaction to **** like this would be to get pissed. (see there I am picking up some of you brits lingo )
Not much going on in my world, I had been posting from my phone app but its on the fritz so I haven't been around as much. I am still reading, just not posting much.
Hypo, I can't give much advice on relationships, personally I am kinda giving up on the whole institution, which I think I have talked about before. I really have no idea what a healthy relationship is like, as I haven't ever been in one. I don't think the three relationships I have been in have been all that unhealthy or crazy or anything, just that they were all established on the woman's desires not really mine, mostly I was just glad to be wanted and a little frightened about what I should do. Then eventually the emotional closed off-ness of mine won out, in the last two anyway. Since then I have learned at least to not accept the attentions of a woman showing interest when I know I don't feel the same. Unfortunately I haven't learned much more than that, so my last relationship was in 2006. What is that 7 years ago, lol. There are a few mitigating circumstances in there but not many. Of course it was also a few months after the last one that I started drinking on a daily basis, that could be easily be one of the circumstances. Anyhow time for me to get off that subject.
I am still trying to get my home life together, rather unsuccessfully, but whatever. The furniture I finally decided on was discontinued so now the search is on for a different set, and i'm not having a lot of luck there. I am rather picky, and haven't found something that fits my desires as well as I would like. But since I seem to be staying here for the next few years I suppose I have no excuse to not start getting unpacked and organized.
School is going well. I seem to have solved my "showing up late problem" so that is a huge lift off of my mind. Showing up late first thing would just put a dark stain on the rest of my day, so figuring that out (mostly) has really increased my average attitude. It sounds to me like a bad excuse, but that was the reality for me. Now if I can solve my laundry and cleaning problem then I would have a comfortable place to come home to every day.
I have a lot of time on my hands this morning so for no particular reason I feel like putting random things down in no particular order, feel free to skip the following entirely lol :
There is a Thanksgiving potluck at the AA hall I go to. My mom used to make delicious apple pie and I have wanted to figure out how to do it for years, so i am thinking about getting the recipe from my sister and starting to experiment so that I can have it prepared in an edible form for the potluck.
I am considering getting a snake for a pet. They are nice and chill, don't require much attention or cleanup, and are something I don't think my rental agency would care about. If I do it won't be one of those that grows to be 10 feet or anything like that, maybe just 4-6 feet.
There is a girl that I think would like to grab dinner sometime that works in the restaurant where I eat sushi. I am not sure of the protocol on approaching women whilst at work, especially waitresses. My sister is a waitress so maybe I'll ask her. Of course I have to decide if that is an avenue that I even want to pursue, i'm still not sure. I will also talk to my sponsor about it.
I am going to volunteer for a group service position in the AA hall that I go to. I am sure I will get picked for something, they don't have a lot of people willing to go farther than getting to meetings. So well see how that goes.
My 17 year old cousin popped out her baby. personally I think it is probably the stupidest thing she could have done, but I have kept those thoughts to myself, it won't do her any good as the decision has already been made, so I will be as supportive as I can from long distance.
I was trying to get away from computer games, and instead I started reading useless fiction that I have already read which is another habit of mine.
One of the other things that is going on in my head, is that one of these days probably Christmas I will have to swing by my family. I am not sure that I am looking forward to that. We don't have a lot in common any more and most of them I don't really know. Also sans alcohol I am a lot more reserved and cautious around people I always was a little but especially in the last 5 or so years I have gotten worse, and it has been at least that long since any of them have seen me, so it is going to be interesting how they perceive my demeanor. I am trying to not let all that in my head as much as I can anyhow. But it still slips in there from time to time.
Well that's me, for now, Jen hang in there, Hypo it sounds as if you are doing well working things out, good on you. Dee, it's nice to see you back, giving your sound and to the point advice.
Have a good one all.
)Not much going on in my world, I had been posting from my phone app but its on the fritz so I haven't been around as much. I am still reading, just not posting much.
Hypo, I can't give much advice on relationships, personally I am kinda giving up on the whole institution, which I think I have talked about before. I really have no idea what a healthy relationship is like, as I haven't ever been in one. I don't think the three relationships I have been in have been all that unhealthy or crazy or anything, just that they were all established on the woman's desires not really mine, mostly I was just glad to be wanted and a little frightened about what I should do. Then eventually the emotional closed off-ness of mine won out, in the last two anyway. Since then I have learned at least to not accept the attentions of a woman showing interest when I know I don't feel the same. Unfortunately I haven't learned much more than that, so my last relationship was in 2006. What is that 7 years ago, lol. There are a few mitigating circumstances in there but not many. Of course it was also a few months after the last one that I started drinking on a daily basis, that could be easily be one of the circumstances.
Anyhow time for me to get off that subject.I am still trying to get my home life together, rather unsuccessfully, but whatever. The furniture I finally decided on was discontinued so now the search is on for a different set, and i'm not having a lot of luck there. I am rather picky, and haven't found something that fits my desires as well as I would like. But since I seem to be staying here for the next few years I suppose I have no excuse to not start getting unpacked and organized.
School is going well. I seem to have solved my "showing up late problem" so that is a huge lift off of my mind. Showing up late first thing would just put a dark stain on the rest of my day, so figuring that out (mostly) has really increased my average attitude. It sounds to me like a bad excuse, but that was the reality for me. Now if I can solve my laundry and cleaning problem then I would have a comfortable place to come home to every day.
I have a lot of time on my hands this morning so for no particular reason I feel like putting random things down in no particular order, feel free to skip the following entirely lol :
There is a Thanksgiving potluck at the AA hall I go to. My mom used to make delicious apple pie and I have wanted to figure out how to do it for years, so i am thinking about getting the recipe from my sister and starting to experiment so that I can have it prepared in an edible form for the potluck.
I am considering getting a snake for a pet. They are nice and chill, don't require much attention or cleanup, and are something I don't think my rental agency would care about. If I do it won't be one of those that grows to be 10 feet or anything like that, maybe just 4-6 feet.
There is a girl that I think would like to grab dinner sometime that works in the restaurant where I eat sushi. I am not sure of the protocol on approaching women whilst at work, especially waitresses. My sister is a waitress so maybe I'll ask her. Of course I have to decide if that is an avenue that I even want to pursue, i'm still not sure. I will also talk to my sponsor about it.
I am going to volunteer for a group service position in the AA hall that I go to. I am sure I will get picked for something, they don't have a lot of people willing to go farther than getting to meetings. So well see how that goes.
My 17 year old cousin popped out her baby. personally I think it is probably the stupidest thing she could have done, but I have kept those thoughts to myself, it won't do her any good as the decision has already been made, so I will be as supportive as I can from long distance.
I was trying to get away from computer games, and instead I started reading useless fiction that I have already read which is another habit of mine.
One of the other things that is going on in my head, is that one of these days probably Christmas I will have to swing by my family. I am not sure that I am looking forward to that. We don't have a lot in common any more and most of them I don't really know. Also sans alcohol I am a lot more reserved and cautious around people I always was a little but especially in the last 5 or so years I have gotten worse, and it has been at least that long since any of them have seen me, so it is going to be interesting how they perceive my demeanor. I am trying to not let all that in my head as much as I can anyhow. But it still slips in there from time to time.
Well that's me, for now, Jen hang in there, Hypo it sounds as if you are doing well working things out, good on you. Dee, it's nice to see you back, giving your sound and to the point advice.
Have a good one all.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Thanks INH You sound a bit like me on the relationship front too. I am generally pretty passive and tend to just respond to people who show me attention. Maybe that's completely normal though. I avoid my family quite a bit now too INH, especially at Christmas! I went to my mums one year and I felt like the spinster daughter. It took a while to convince her I wouldn't try to commit suicide if I spent Xmas alone but I finally get to spend Christmas at home now
Thanks for the confession Jeni I have to admit it made me smile cos I am always thinking stuff like that! Isn't that normal for us? Whenever I have a depressing thought I frequently still think that getting trashed would help somehow. I still feel like alcohol is my warm fuzzy blanky and that it would help my anxiety which appears to be still alive and kicking. BUT... I don't do it and that is the important thing. And the brave thing. So many people just give in to those thoughts and so did we for years. To not do that is really miraculous and strong and brave. Okay I am sure non alcoholics will think that's an over reaction but I do think it is an incredibly strong thing to do to face our insecurities rather than trying to cover them up. Sometimes really going through those drinking thoughts can help really break down the behaviour and see the flaws in it. I bet that even though you feel like you and H would be on the same page if you were drinking, a part of it is that really you wouldn't really care if you were or not...?
You sound a bit like me on the relationship front too. I am generally pretty passive and tend to just respond to people who show me attention. Maybe that's completely normal though. I avoid my family quite a bit now too INH, especially at Christmas! I went to my mums one year and I felt like the spinster daughter. It took a while to convince her I wouldn't try to commit suicide if I spent Xmas alone but I finally get to spend Christmas at home now Thanks for the confession Jeni
I have to admit it made me smile cos I am always thinking stuff like that! Isn't that normal for us? Whenever I have a depressing thought I frequently still think that getting trashed would help somehow. I still feel like alcohol is my warm fuzzy blanky and that it would help my anxiety which appears to be still alive and kicking. BUT... I don't do it and that is the important thing. And the brave thing. So many people just give in to those thoughts and so did we for years. To not do that is really miraculous and strong and brave. Okay I am sure non alcoholics will think that's an over reaction but I do think it is an incredibly strong thing to do to face our insecurities rather than trying to cover them up. Sometimes really going through those drinking thoughts can help really break down the behaviour and see the flaws in it. I bet that even though you feel like you and H would be on the same page if you were drinking, a part of it is that really you wouldn't really care if you were or not...?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Wow, great post INH. We've all known each other for a while, but it's only been in the past few months I've really felt like I am getting to know you properly...well as properly as I can when we're thousands of miles apart and never actually see or speak to each other. Lol.
I like the idea of a snake. I've thought about that before. Someone brought one into school before and I really liked it. Thing is it wouldn't last 5 minutes here with our cat.
I think you and Hypo sound very similar with your relationship stuff. Do you think part of it is as we grow older, we are less prepared to compromise on who we are or how we want to be when with others? Many of my friends are single after ending marriages, and they are content to be that way. They like their independence and not having to be accountable to anyone else. They do not want to share their space or have to negotiate on anything. Maybe as we mature we all get a bit like that? Dunno.
H and I have got to have serious words though...things are a bit wobbly here. Love him and all that but he really needs to step up a bit on the parenting front. He thinks he can be the kids friend all the time but when unpopular decisions have to be made, I need to know he's on my team. The kids view him as a complete walkover. He tries so hard and loves them so much, but oh I don't know... I feel like a single parent a lot. Anyway, that's my moan over with. It's probably unfair. He's always been the same, not sure anything will change there.
I'm feeling more positive today. I'm going to see my sister tonight for dinner. I'm trying not to question her motives for inviting me over. She only really speaks to me when she wants me to babysit. I've accepted that and it is just nice to spend time with my nieces. But today, I'm going over for a meal. Lovely. As long as she hasn't been sent on an errand by my parents to get me to go visit them. Suspicious? Yup!
Have a good day everyone.
I need to hear from Hux by the way. You know I worry when people don't post for a while. It would also be nice to hear from Job and Marks xxx
I like the idea of a snake. I've thought about that before. Someone brought one into school before and I really liked it. Thing is it wouldn't last 5 minutes here with our cat.
I think you and Hypo sound very similar with your relationship stuff. Do you think part of it is as we grow older, we are less prepared to compromise on who we are or how we want to be when with others? Many of my friends are single after ending marriages, and they are content to be that way. They like their independence and not having to be accountable to anyone else. They do not want to share their space or have to negotiate on anything. Maybe as we mature we all get a bit like that? Dunno.
H and I have got to have serious words though...things are a bit wobbly here. Love him and all that but he really needs to step up a bit on the parenting front. He thinks he can be the kids friend all the time but when unpopular decisions have to be made, I need to know he's on my team. The kids view him as a complete walkover. He tries so hard and loves them so much, but oh I don't know... I feel like a single parent a lot. Anyway, that's my moan over with. It's probably unfair. He's always been the same, not sure anything will change there.
I'm feeling more positive today. I'm going to see my sister tonight for dinner. I'm trying not to question her motives for inviting me over. She only really speaks to me when she wants me to babysit. I've accepted that and it is just nice to spend time with my nieces. But today, I'm going over for a meal. Lovely. As long as she hasn't been sent on an errand by my parents to get me to go visit them. Suspicious? Yup!
Have a good day everyone.
I need to hear from Hux by the way. You know I worry when people don't post for a while. It would also be nice to hear from Job and Marks xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
On the snake front... my friend has one and it's a bugger for sh*tting on people... At least dogs go on the floor But I think otherwise they're good pets. My friend had geckos too and they were ace, apart from you had to feed them live crickets and dead baby mice...
I have never been good at making compromises Jeni and I think that is sometimes what got me into trouble. I always went for people with similar interests and seemed to put less emphasis on whether or not they were a good person. So I ended up with complete arseholes. Now I try not to think like that and don't have a rule book. As long as someone is nice it doesn't matter about anything else. But I don't want to compromise myself... I don't really think people should have to change to be in a relationship. Little compromises are a different thing however...
But I think otherwise they're good pets. My friend had geckos too and they were ace, apart from you had to feed them live crickets and dead baby mice...I have never been good at making compromises Jeni and I think that is sometimes what got me into trouble. I always went for people with similar interests and seemed to put less emphasis on whether or not they were a good person. So I ended up with complete arseholes. Now I try not to think like that and don't have a rule book. As long as someone is nice it doesn't matter about anything else. But I don't want to compromise myself... I don't really think people should have to change to be in a relationship. Little compromises are a different thing however...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I think relationships are ALL about compromise....I don't mean you give in on the important stuff like your beliefs or who you are (although both those things have undergone a huge shift for me in the past year).
I mean, things that you do together, plans you make, even what you eat...well they need to be made jointly and not singly. I think one of the huge frustrations for me is that H has always left all the major decision making to me...where the kids went to school, where we should live, where we should go on holiday...etc. I have bitterly complained on more than one occasion that I feel like a single parent. He just shrugs and says he doesn't mind what we do...and he really doesn't. But that leaves me with the burden of responsibility. And the weight of stress when it all goes wrong of course.
Since we got sober, things have really started to even out. I just won't make decisions unless he's involved now. I think it's part of growing up and when we were drinking, emotionally we were still about 16 years old. He is now about 17...baby steps lol. He can cope when things are going well (can't we all).. But when stuff like this with our son happens, he hides his head in the sand. He used to drink and pretend it was ok. Now, he gets bad-tempered and I have that tendency to avoid conflict and try and sort it out without him. But no more..we are either a couple or not! No more codependent unhealthy stuff going on for me now!
Anyway, that's a snapshot of my marital disharmony..sure that was completely boring for you lol.
I'm off to London today with my daughter to watch a show. Should be good fun. Have a good day guys xxx
I mean, things that you do together, plans you make, even what you eat...well they need to be made jointly and not singly. I think one of the huge frustrations for me is that H has always left all the major decision making to me...where the kids went to school, where we should live, where we should go on holiday...etc. I have bitterly complained on more than one occasion that I feel like a single parent. He just shrugs and says he doesn't mind what we do...and he really doesn't. But that leaves me with the burden of responsibility. And the weight of stress when it all goes wrong of course.
Since we got sober, things have really started to even out. I just won't make decisions unless he's involved now. I think it's part of growing up and when we were drinking, emotionally we were still about 16 years old. He is now about 17...baby steps lol. He can cope when things are going well (can't we all).. But when stuff like this with our son happens, he hides his head in the sand. He used to drink and pretend it was ok. Now, he gets bad-tempered and I have that tendency to avoid conflict and try and sort it out without him. But no more..we are either a couple or not! No more codependent unhealthy stuff going on for me now!
Anyway, that's a snapshot of my marital disharmony..sure that was completely boring for you lol.
I'm off to London today with my daughter to watch a show. Should be good fun. Have a good day guys xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I guess you guys must have had to redefine your relationship since getting sober Jeni. That has to be far more complex than my efforts to redefine myself while single. In a way I am glad I have had that opportunity. So what show did you go to see? X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Yes...we are certainly going through some sort of transition process or something. If we don't actually kill each other, I reckon we could grow even stronger...
We saw 'the curious incident of the dog in the night time'. It is written from the perspective of someone with Aspergers. It was brilliant.
How is everyone else doing?x
We saw 'the curious incident of the dog in the night time'. It is written from the perspective of someone with Aspergers. It was brilliant.
How is everyone else doing?x
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
I have no idea how hard it is to work on a relationship while quitting drinking, that **** was hard enough by myself!
Good luck sorting out your parental responsibilities and roles, while trying to make sure your marital relationship doesn't end up in tatters. Man I thought I had it bad before, and I'm not being facetious. I only had me to deal with, you got children, parents, and a husband to be responsible to. I don't want to imagine how difficult that was to handle in the first six months especially.
It sounds like the show was a good one, glad to hear, the only time I was in London I got shnockered. After walking through the main historical hit ups of course.. Had a bad experience with a cab driver dropping me and my buddy off at a really shady place, like straight illegal human trafficking type place, thankfully we figured out what was going on and got out intact.
I went to the city to get my car serviced and watched a movie today. Unfortunately the movie was a total let down, but that always seems to happen when your a big fan of a book and they make a movie.
I bought bedroom furniture again yesterday, this time it isn't discontinued lol, so now I just have to wait a couple weeks and I will have places to put my clothes and ****.
Recovery related I have been appointed the Wednesday night meeting secretary for my meeting hall. It was only a matter of time till they roped me into doing that at one of the meetings especially considering I am not leaving when I finish school. So that ought to be interesting.
That's my life the last few days well that and trouble shooting military phone switchboards but that's a whole other conversation lol. Oh yeah and I have been going to a bar over the weekends a lot recently. Only to play billiards, and the bartenders know I don't drink, they make me coffee. So that's been fun. I haven't been tempted but I am trying to keep myself vigilant of any thoughts that lead to the possibility of drinking "one day" as that has happened. But AVRT style I stop those in their tracks with thoughts of my last drunk and reminding myself that its only a quick two steps for me to go from drinking in a bar to drinking like I used to, hell it would probably be like that the next day. So no worries.
Have a good one all!
Good luck sorting out your parental responsibilities and roles, while trying to make sure your marital relationship doesn't end up in tatters. Man I thought I had it bad before, and I'm not being facetious. I only had me to deal with, you got children, parents, and a husband to be responsible to. I don't want to imagine how difficult that was to handle in the first six months especially.
It sounds like the show was a good one, glad to hear, the only time I was in London I got shnockered. After walking through the main historical hit ups of course.
. Had a bad experience with a cab driver dropping me and my buddy off at a really shady place, like straight illegal human trafficking type place, thankfully we figured out what was going on and got out intact.I went to the city to get my car serviced and watched a movie today. Unfortunately the movie was a total let down, but that always seems to happen when your a big fan of a book and they make a movie.
I bought bedroom furniture again yesterday, this time it isn't discontinued lol, so now I just have to wait a couple weeks and I will have places to put my clothes and ****.
Recovery related I have been appointed the Wednesday night meeting secretary for my meeting hall. It was only a matter of time till they roped me into doing that at one of the meetings especially considering I am not leaving when I finish school. So that ought to be interesting.
That's my life the last few days well that and trouble shooting military phone switchboards but that's a whole other conversation lol. Oh yeah and I have been going to a bar over the weekends a lot recently. Only to play billiards, and the bartenders know I don't drink, they make me coffee. So that's been fun. I haven't been tempted but I am trying to keep myself vigilant of any thoughts that lead to the possibility of drinking "one day" as that has happened. But AVRT style I stop those in their tracks with thoughts of my last drunk and reminding myself that its only a quick two steps for me to go from drinking in a bar to drinking like I used to, hell it would probably be like that the next day. So no worries.
Have a good one all!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Ooh, sorry you had such a bad experience in London! I guess every city has its shady places.
You seem so grounded INH, taking on commitments and stuff with AA. I am shaking my involvement up a bit at the moment. There's stuff in my life I just can't seem to get beyond and it's frustrating me. I feel stuck in my negative relationship with my parents, and I need to move beyond this. I'm re-working the steps at the moment with the help of someone I met here on SR who has had similar problems and managed to resolve them. She is amazing in her faith that it's possible to find a way through so I'm going with it. My counsellor is helping too, but sessions with her are really painful at the moment. She says that's because we are at the centre of it all, the place where the hurt is worst of all.
I think there is a conflict between learning acceptance and forgiveness and working through my issues therapeutically. I should be further along than I am I think. I want to be a better daughter, but inside I want to rage at the injustice of it all. I want to be a better wife and not judge him and love him unconditionally, but inside I want to shake him and tell him to man up and help me with our son.
So...I am studying the Big Book, going to a few different meetings, and working my way through to the happy peaceful existence that I know is waiting for me!
Have a good Sunday everyone xxx
You seem so grounded INH, taking on commitments and stuff with AA. I am shaking my involvement up a bit at the moment. There's stuff in my life I just can't seem to get beyond and it's frustrating me. I feel stuck in my negative relationship with my parents, and I need to move beyond this. I'm re-working the steps at the moment with the help of someone I met here on SR who has had similar problems and managed to resolve them. She is amazing in her faith that it's possible to find a way through so I'm going with it. My counsellor is helping too, but sessions with her are really painful at the moment. She says that's because we are at the centre of it all, the place where the hurt is worst of all.
I think there is a conflict between learning acceptance and forgiveness and working through my issues therapeutically. I should be further along than I am I think. I want to be a better daughter, but inside I want to rage at the injustice of it all. I want to be a better wife and not judge him and love him unconditionally, but inside I want to shake him and tell him to man up and help me with our son.
So...I am studying the Big Book, going to a few different meetings, and working my way through to the happy peaceful existence that I know is waiting for me!
Have a good Sunday everyone xxx
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