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Class of March 2012 Part 7

Old 09-16-2013, 02:31 PM
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Sounds like you are doing really well Jeni

I am embarrassed to mention my anxiety when I think what you have been through and have to deal with Jeni. My life has been and is a picnic in comparison, yet I still have anxiety issues. I feel overwhelmed by the stuff I have to do but it is nothing in comparison to other people's! My pupil who is in his late 60's (he's retired twice so far) gets up every morning at 5 to travel to London to teach Maths to some rather difficult kids, 5 days a week. He loves it, and he still comes to his violin lesson religiously every week. I have one social occasion a month and I get panicky.

You're an inspiration to me Jeni

How long do you meditate in the mornings? And is this before you leave for work at 5 or 6?! x
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Old 09-16-2013, 10:58 PM
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Anxiety isn't directly comparable to the amount or type of issues we have or don't have. Not at all. I support people at work now who have major problems with anxiety and who on the surface have lives which are comparatively straightforward. That doesn't mean their problems with low self-esteem and under-confidence aren't real. I mean, if people looked at my life...I have a good and stable family life, house, career...etc etc they could be forgiven for thinking that I should be in a better place mentally than I am. None of us know what lies beneath the surface except us. Comparisons aren't helpful because they can lead to us beating ourselves up...'what's up with me, I should be able to do this, I'm rubbish' etc. I've done that for a long time. But time to stop doing that.

Accepting ourselves for who we are and being gentle on ourselves is a start. You are working hard on your recovery Hypo. Yeah, you get angry and anxious, you recognise that. It's ok. This second year of sobriety is just the right time to look at those things and move forward slowly. No rush though because I think you're just lovely the way you are anyway xxx

I'm up at 5, and leave at 6.30, and have a 15-20 min meditaion. Buts nearly 7 o'clock today and I'm still here...eek! Still, never mind, I will still be the first one in probably!!
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Old 09-17-2013, 04:12 PM
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Aww thanks Jeni. And wise words. I usually say something similar when people make comments like 'what's she got to be stressed/anxious about' but forget to apply it to myself.

I absolutely loved yoga tonight. I remember from when I went to classes before, I always walk out feeling a foot taller and I've just felt very pleasantly relaxed since. I am going to try to do little bits on other days too. It would be a good excuse to keep some space free on my bedroom floor!

Work hasn't been pleasant but I am trying to see things from the other side. My manager is in one of her weird moods where she acts hassled all the time and is trying to be hyper organised (the rest of the time she's pretty lazy and acts like she has no idea what's going on) which usually leads to her not being pleasant, but I am trying to avoid paranoia and realise that the way she is acting is largely down to her own feelings of inadequacy and are nothing to do with me. I can only sort out my own sh;t. Which, y'know, I am trying to do x
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Old 09-17-2013, 10:19 PM
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Yoga sounds cool. I must give it a try sometime. I am finding there's just not enough hours in the day sometimes though.

Meditation was excellent last night. It is going to be so beneficial for me. After only 3 weeks I'm already learning how to manage my anxiety better.

Wednesday already...time passes so quickly now, must be a sign I'm getting old!!

Have a good day xxx
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Old 09-17-2013, 11:05 PM
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The headshrinker that they made me go see for a while suggested yoga for me as an "social activity". I wasn't averse to the idea but I was still drinking then and wasn't exactly honest with her. She was big on any kind of "social activity" being a good treatment for depression.

I am glad that you are enjoying your Yoga sessions Hypo.

Jen you were right on about anxiety not being proportional to an outside opinion of their severity. Each stress-er is unique to the individuals perspective. From what I understand a lot of peoples perspectives (definitely mine) can be pretty darn screwed up.

As for me just chugging along, all the previous things in my rant stand true, and despite a new alarm clock (which works really well) I can't seem to consistently get to work on time. So I am going to try and not beat myself up to bad over it, apparently berating myself doesn't really get anything accomplished.

Went to my meeting though and I feel a little better. I even shared today, there was an irregular percentage of "old timers", whom I do like for their ability to share on a consistent basis, if not always poignant.

Well that's it for me, as always have a good one.
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:31 AM
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Hey INH, some of us are just sleepers. I overslept this morning too but managed to pull it together by skipping eyeliner and running the dog For some reason I never hear the alarm on my new phone, or it doesn't work... That said I have two other alarms which are meant to wake me up but I have a habit of sleeping through them. I thought this was one of those things which would be solved by sobriety but apparently not. Sleeping remains my number one talent.

You're right Jeni, there aren't enough hours in the day. I have decided do do one course at a time. Yoga for 12 weeks then hopefully meditation next. We do a bit of relaxation in yoga and last nights was this really freaky body awareness one. I used to use a yoga meditation to help me sleep at night and I really ended up feeling like my body was too heavy to move. So I have always had faith in these things. I am excited to see what I learn in proper meditation classes.

Have a good day everyone xxx
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:33 AM
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For most of my first year in sobriety, I never slept more than 3 hours consecutively. I had nightmares and panic attacks in the early hours regularly. That stopped about 3 months ago..ish...and now I mostly sleep well. But I wake up like clockwork at 10 minutes to 5 every day (even at the weekends!).

I always turn the alarm off before it sounds. I'm much better in the mornings than the evenings. I'm rubbish past 9 o'clock p.m, no point in even talking to me as I make little sense!

Being late for work would set me off in panic mode!x
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Old 09-18-2013, 03:58 PM
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back on deck guys - hope everyones doing well

D
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:33 PM
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I am a little envious of the waking up every day like clockwork, but oh man am I not jealous of only sleeping for three hours or so with nightmares and anxiety for more than a year! That must have been rough to go through. I am glad your sleepy time has improved I can't imagine something like that lasting that long.

I had to make a trip to the hospital last night. Not for me. For the lady that I give rides to the meeting to. She has a really bad knee and tweaked it last night getting up to get coffee. Luckily she is only a little thing and I could easily carry her to the car and into the hospital. She texted me this morning, she is okay enough to want to go to the meeting so it can't be that bad.

Other than that I took another test today, aced it no sweat. The practical application will be the hard part, its on Monday. They will give us four broken radios and we have to figure out what's wrong with them. There is a one hour time limit for each one. I will pass I'm sure so I'm not really worried, this part is so far much easier than what I was doing before.

Also the hall that I go to is holding a meeting for service positions, what and who is available. I plan on going, but not volunteering for anything. If the ask I will probably do whatever I can, I just have to make sure they are aware that I am probably moving somewhere else in February.

That's all from me I've been doing pretty well these last couple of days.

Have a good one all.
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Old 09-21-2013, 03:20 PM
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Man was I tapped out yesterday. We had an intensive workout in the morning (which I was almost late for) that really kicked my but. Then we played softball all morning after. I was first baseman, and I did pretty well. I played a little baseball when I was a kid so I can catch decently. Anyhow the workout followed by more physical activity, and also the sun kind of took it out of me. I am about as pale as one can get without being an albino so me and the sun don't mix well, I put on sun screen at least three times throughout the day. Anyhow yesterday I was spent. The guys I go to class with were impressed by my ability to play and may be starting to like me more. Why I care about peoples opinion of me when it is swayed so easily by sports ability I don't know but there it is.

I had an opportunity to go camping with two couples from my meeting hall which I was hesitant to go to anyhow as j didn't want to be a fifth wheel, the exausting day just gave me an additional out. Anyhow, that is so far the beginning of my weekend, I spent the rest of the day eating Chinese takeout and recovering. That's about it thus far.

His goes it for the rest of you.
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Old 09-22-2013, 12:00 AM
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If I'd had a day filled with as much physical exercise as you and too much sun, I'd have flaked out long before you did! I'm just sooo lazy. I'm going to force myself to the gym today. I love how I feel after I've been, but the energy it takes me to put on a pair of jogging bottoms...well, that's often beyond me!

H is at work all day, our daughter is working as a waitress at weekends so I get to do the taxi run to the restaurant and back, our son plays sport all day...so it's just me and some work for school which I'm in denial about. Maybe the gym doesn't sound so unappealing after all...

Have a good day. Oh and INH...why do you think people from your class don't like you? Perhaps they didn't like you more because you were good at softball, but you were just forced to interact with them to a greater extent when you were playing? You became more accessible to them while you were doing a team sport? Dunno...if you're like me, you isolate deliberately then notice that people don't respond to you like you think they should? Xx
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Old 09-22-2013, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
Dunno...if you're like me, you isolate deliberately then notice that people don't respond to you like you think they should? Xx
Wow, that's totally me too Jeni. Spooky. I have a tendency to assume people won't like me so don't bother making an effort. Though I have had a few instances where I have made a huge effort and been a really good friend to people and it hurts when it isn't reciprocated. I am easily smited.

No extra exercise for me today, other than the usual do walking. I have my music group today so that is enough exertion. I have had a hectic week because I had to anticipate a social event. My sister had organised a charity concert which I was mainly just attending and helping out a little. What I am surprised about is how much other people's attitudes towards alcohol still effects me. This was a non drinking affair so drinking really shouldn't have come up, apart from my sister has not drank for a month before this as she made herself ill with it last time, so that got commented on a lot and how she would need a drink once it is all over. My stepdad was practically desperate to get out of there after the gig while I was trying to help pack up and put the church back as it was. I couldn't understand why until my mum said 'he's desperate for a drink, bless him'. Well under the circumstances I thought that was a bit selfish and seeing as this guy really doesn't have an alcohol problem couldn't he have just waited. Made me think about degrees of addiction. Also, my brother-in-law has Crohn's disease and really shouldn't be drinking, but does and no one sees a problem with that. I said jokingly 'what's wrong with not drinking? and my sis made out like I was being preachy. She also made a comment about a family friend being more fun when he was drinking. He wasn't drinking cos he was driving and he rushed of after, I am assuming to drink. Now this guy has had serious liver problems and has stopped drinking every now and then. He always goes on these little binges though and my brother in law worries about him so goes to visit him. My sis says he is lonely like that is why he needs to drink. Well I didn't say anything but we have discussed this before and I tried to suggest that he drank because he was addicted and my sis dismissed this saying it was a lifestyle choice. I guess I was a little offended by this as I didn't feel like my drinking was a lifestyle choice. Anyway, this wasn't an issue at all in the evening it was just banding around in my head so I thought I would rant here. I am not bothered by being around alcohol, not even remotely tempted, and faced with my stepdad's desperation I have never been so grateful to be sober. I don't ever have to need to drink But I guess people's perceptions and excuses for drinking get to me still. I feel like their excuses are the same as my excuses were but I am not allowed to be open about it lest I seem preachy (btw I really am not, I totally understand people drinking to have fun and I wouldn't want to get in the way of that, but then I just don't see a massive difference between me drinking my way into alcoholic neuropathy and my friend's liver disease and my brother in law continuing to drink in spite of his crohns...).

Sorry, ranty rant rant rant....

Nice to have you back Dee, I am sure you missed our ramblings

Well done on passing your test INH Did you get roped into any service positions too? x
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Old 09-22-2013, 09:34 AM
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I agree that I do isolate deliberately, and sometimes I am guilty of exactly what you mentioned Jen. With the people in this class I don't think it is the case. Marines can be fairly judgemental and I have made mistakes during this class that puts me right on the list of people that "shouldn't" hold my rank in their eyes. Not all of the class, just a few. I don't mind so much as they are usually the type of people that I don't want to associate with anyhow, not that their bad necessarily, just that..... well we wouldn't get along anyway. I would be annoyed by their arrogance and they would be annoyed by my "meekness" (or at least aspects of my personality that they would perceive as being meek) and neediness. But as far as them liking me a little more you can't get much clearer than the statment from one of them, and I quote "I'm starting to like you (my last name)" after I made a difficult catch. It didn't bother me any, just got me thinking that if a persons opinion of me is so easily swayed by ability in baseball, then I am pretty sure the esteem in which I hold their opinion just dropped a little.

Hypo, that sounds like some interesting observations "he's desperate for a drink, bless him" that is a hell of a quote lol. But anyhow, it seems like you made it through okay, maybe with some frustrations regarding the modern day view of alcohol/alcoholism. I remember coming back to the states and noticing for the first time watching TV how many of the commercials were for alcohol. I started to irritate me. I have also of course ran into people that drink and drink often, I try not to say anything, of course that is mostly out of fear that I will have to tell them I am an alkie and then they will want to talk about it. I figure I shouldn't expect others to have the same (opinion, awareness) as me as they haven't had to deal with dependence on it like I/we have. It sounds to me like you handled the whole situation as well as one could so congrats for that.

And no not roped into another service position just yet, the meeting is this morning, in about 30 minutes actually so I will probably be late.

Either way gotta go, talk to you all later.
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Old 09-23-2013, 08:01 AM
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I did some more thinking on it and I am starting to think you are probably more right than I would like to admit Jen. . One more thing to think about/work on eventually. Its probably all fear based anyway, part of that whole "I can't let people know me or they won't like me" mentality.

I sat up for a little while in the chat room last night. Had a good time there. Then we went on a 5+ mile run this morning. I need to get some new running shoes as the ones I have now are spent. I got a small blister from the run not to bad though. I wasn't late though so that's a good start to the week for me lol.

Oh yeah, the group conscious that I went to on Sunday was extreamly disappointing.there were only five people there including me. I vollenteered for a secretary position. But its not of a meeting, its more like chief note taker for the group conscious meetings. That's about it as far as I can tell.
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Old 09-23-2013, 02:19 PM
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5 miles...! That's a long run. Okay tell me if this is daft but I am gonna start running and was thinking of starting with minutes rather than miles...

I have this thing of not letting people get to know me too INH.. I am really defensive. It comes from a place of fear I guess but then some of it is based in fact in that I have weird ideas about stuff which other people don't want to hear, so I feel like I can't talk around people... I don't do small talk well. And I get too excited talking about other stuff so people think I'm nuts. It's fun being eccentric.

I did my laundry today and got my hair cut. It's been exciting...
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Old 09-23-2013, 03:41 PM
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No there is nothing wrong with running for time. Just get to where you can run for however long your goal time is then figure out (eventually) how far you are covering during that time. With the goal being to make that distance longer within the same time. That is all long term depending on your current fitness level. I know if I am going on a run I like to be running at least 30 minutes. An hour is a little wearing, and I am not saying I am fast no not at all. My last fitness test I ran three miles in 25 minutes, which is kinda bad. I need to get back into the 22 something range. I would be happy with that. When I was 23 I once ran a 19:01 three mile but I was in pretty good shape then.
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted by InsertNameHere View Post
I did some more thinking on it and I am starting to think you are probably more right than I would like to admit Jen. .
Of course. I'm always right...I'm a woman!

I must get back to some exercise...work is really dominating my life again at the moment. I'm letting the balance slip. I've even given up my service position at my home group now as I stay too late at work to make the meeting...

Still, meditation tonight. That helps slow me down.

Have a good day everyone xx
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:19 PM
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Thanks hypo - it's a bit frenetic here right now but it's good to be back
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Old 09-26-2013, 06:41 AM
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Well this is an interesting turn of events. I now have a "guy on the couch". A dude has recently came to my meeting hall, I have been giving him rides. He has been drinking in term occasionally and I guess finally wore out his welcome at the place he was staying. I know the people he was staying with and really do not like them. Anyhow he was outside after the meeting and I couldn't let him just sleep behind a building so he spent the night on my small couch. He seems like an alright dude and I have heard part of his story so I guess for now I will see where this goes. I know where I live it isn't going to be easy for him to be sober, there's a bar and liquor store four blocks from my house. But hopefully I am a little better to be around than his previous benefactors, while they aren't bad people, they certainly aren't good. I am not worried about me staying sober just the complications of having someone live with me when they have no where else to go and nothing to do. I am going to talk to my sponsor today regarding this situation it was late last night when all this went down. That's about all I "know" right now, so this will be interesting that's for sure.
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Old 09-26-2013, 03:07 PM
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I think it's beautiful that you're helping this guy out INH Most people wouldn't do half as much... x
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