Cherybaby66

I relapsed tonight.

The pressure from the first night of IOP got to me. This man dredged up so much of my past; the domestic violence, the sexual assault I experienced at the hands of the man who beat me...so much. I took four percocet with the intention of numbing it...making it go away. I can't believe the things that this man was making me talk about. Things that I put away so long ago...all back in front of me, tearing down the nice safe walls I had put up for myself.

I was doing so well on my own. 102 days down the drain. All for nothing.

I should have never went into this program. I should have left well enough alone. Now I have nothing for all the hard work I have shown. Nothing. I worked my ass off for those 102 days. I did the work. I went to my meetings. I came here when I needed to. I got honest with my doctors, my family and myself. If I had known for a MINUTE that the intake was going to consist of pulling things up from so long ago, I would have avoided it like the plague.

I hate myself right now. I truly wish I were dead...I gave up my whole life in one moment of weakness. I was so proud of myself and the fact that I was able to stop cold turkey.

And now, tomorrow, on what should have been my first day of intensive outpatient therapy, I need to go let them know that my urine screen will be dirty because I used. No one is going to care that I just got through the hardest 3 months of my life...because all that matters is that I blew it.

I went from feeling on top of the world to feeling insignificant, small and stupid. It's a far fall from the pedastal I had just begun to put myself on. A hard, long fall. Four pills. Four f*cking pills just changed my life and put me back at square one.

It's almost ironic that, despite swallowing painkillers, I am in the worst pain of my entire life.

I told my husband. He held me, told me it will be alright...that tomorrow is a new day and at least I won't go through the horrors of withdrawal again. He doesn't get it. I don't expect him to. I would rather have the physical withdrawals all over again than the emotional pain I am experiencing right now.

I am embarassed and humiliated, filled with self loathing.

I made myself vomit. I thought, maybe if I could throw them up...then it really wouldn't count...wouldn't be a relapse and I could save my clean date. Interesting, the mind of an addict, isn't it?

So here I am...heart in my hands, throwing myself, once again...at the mercy of all of you. I don't know what to do with myself now. I don't want to go back to this program tomorrow because I feel like it put so much pressure on me that I caved. The intake was the hard part...I know that. The rest will all be group meetings and some individual counseling. I know what lies ahead...but I'm scared of it. For the first time in the longest time...I am actually afraid of being sober.

I was doing so well...so god damn well.

I wish I would have left well enough alone. And now, it's over. I can't stop crying...like I am mourning the loss of a beloved friend. I don't want to hear "tomorrow's another day". It isn't. It's day one all over again...a day I hoped to never revisit.

i just want to crawl into bed and die. i don't care if tomorrow never comes.

I have never felt more alone in my entire life.

I don't think I can forgive myself this time.

lostbutterfly

As a serial relapser myself, I can assure you that you are NOT back at square one, unless you let all these negative feelings about yourself lead you to using again and again.

102 days! That is incredible and all the stuff you learnt, all the tools you used, they are still there. You will be amazed how much you learned. This is a BUMP in your recovery, not the end!

Luv LBxxx

Faerie

Chery,

You are far from alone.

I want you to know I still think you are a Goddess regardless of what happened tonight.

You, Lost Butterfly and Penny are my role models here because you all are all kicking these damn pills in the arse. Just like I am working so hard to do.

As you probably know I too have suffered sexual assault, three times over for me. I understand how painful it is when old feelings you had buried are dredged up.

You have really helped me by sharing you story today.

Tomorrow I have to go to the rape crisis centre for the first time. My evil little addict mind was planning on taking extra pills with me 'just in case I needed them'. You know what? I'm not going to go over my taper dose. I'm anxious, I'm scared, I don't want to go but I know I have to. Unlike you at least I'll be talking to someone who is trained to deal with sexual assault.

You have done so well, come so far and all the time had so much pain inside. Like LB said this is just a bump. I don't blame you for what happened and doubt anyone else will either.

You still inspire me and I'm sure so many others.

You are still one of my heroes, don't forget that.

Thank you for helping me,

Much love,

Faerie xx

Dee74

I totally utterly and absolutely agree with LB Cher.

You'll never hear me say a relapse is acceptable - but sometimes in early recovery we try to juggle a lot at once - sometimes like or not we lose it.

The lesson to learn is not that we suck, but that we're human - and we need to accept that so we can factor that in to our equations in future.

You've got work to do and things to sort out, sure - but first get some perspective here.

You did not lose everything, you did not return to square one - unless you let loathing, fear, and recrimination take you there.

You have everything to show for those 102 days - everything.

I've seen the journey you've been on, I've been here for most of it - don't let a moment of madness overshadow those 102 hard earned hard fought days.

I'm not a great fan of counting days - it's useful in some ways but IMO it can be woefully inadequate in others. You can't map a journey like this, like yours, by days - not completely.

You took a wrong turn and hit a cul de sac.

Reverse out and get back on the right road...and once you get your bearings and learn from this? Don't look back.

D

Stagebear

Please listen to what's being said here. And please, please call me before you give this all up.

Everything we do in the process of recovering is a part of building a new foundation.

And, like Dee, I don't recommend relapse, but I've done it twice, once after 15 years. If I can survive that and come back stronger, so can you.

Mark75

Chery

I am convinced God put that counselor there for you. Obviously you weren't doing so well, otherwise you'd have had the power of your Higher Power to help you through that very difficult recollection. When you posted in the other thread about how much he got under your skin I was worried.

Get the power, Chery. Turns out this road to recovery had a big pothole. Rely on the strength of your program, the good people at SR, the IOP (yes... the counselor who may infact know what he's doing....) and most of all.... God, as you understand him.

You won't won't be the first one to show up with a dirty screen. No, it's not a good thing, but it's gonna be what you make it.... You can avoid the consequences, run and hide, deny it to yourself....

Or you can hold your head up, tell the truth, and ask for help. Throw yourself thoroughly into the program. You are only alone if you make that way.

You don't know how much I am really praying for you Chery.... This addiction thing is powerful, turns out you got a lot more work to do, uh? Well, you can have all the power you need to recover... but you got to look for it... Time to look at your first three steps, really take them into your heart, for the first time....

((Chery))

Mark

gunslinger

Hi Cher--

I too have suffered some retro-PTSD from childhood sexual abuse that caused more relapses than I care to count. As I got older, the drugs stopped numbing, stopped working...the dreams, flashbacks, and shame and humilation however, continued and got stronger. Working thru some of this over the past year has allowed me to keep sober. That and using suboxone, which afforded me the chance to plunge into therapy without the burden of cravings. I have used both these tools to the max and I am the better for it. Just one man's strength, hope and love.
Remember: You NEVER have to have a first day again!!!!

Keep the faith...

YOurs,
GunSlinger

Impurrfect

((Chery)))

Please, honey, stop beating yourself up. Most of the time we see a relapse coming, but this one caught you way off track. The thing is, hon, this IS something you probably need to get out and in the open to strengthen your recovery. I'm not saying out and in the open as in everyone should know about it, but it's those "dirty little secrets" that we hide that keep us sick....most of them, we have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Like Mark said, you aren't going to be the first to come in with a dirty screen. No, it's not what you wanted...you were damned proud to be coming in with 102 days clean ALL BY YOURSELF and now you can't. Okay, so little change in the plan. Remember....look at the big picture....recovery is for your life..literally. If you want to be a nurse again, you will have to jump through their hoops, so like my dr. says "suck it up"...and I promise, he says it with a ton of compassion, just as I am saying to you. I KNOW how hard it is, that's why I haven't taken the steps yet. I'm doing the recovery part, but I'm just not ready to hear the BON tell me that MY recovery doesn't really mean anything because it doesn't follow THEIR PLAN of recovery.

So see, you are way ahead of me! I'm still being stubborn, dragging my feet, and you're doing the work, as hard as it is.

Hold your head high, sweetie. Get back on that recovery path and next time pick up that phone and call Bear or me first, okay?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Nallabelle

Im not going to convince you that "its ok, you slipped up" because thats not what you want to hear. You know what you did. I think you also know that its not going to happen again.
I feel the pain in your post. My eyes watered for you. Im so sorry. The problem is, all those painful memories that triggered you will resurface again someday if not dealt with now. Its ok Chery. You are on the right track and you are stronger than you think you are.

Daisy09

(((Chery)))

Thinking of you...

Daisy

change4penny

Chery, I'm sorry.
But know this...it will never be that day 'one' again, because even though you slipped, you have learned a whole lot in those 102 days...things you would not have known had you never expierenced that 'clean' time.
Now, take what you've learned and apply it to your recovery. Learn how to deal with past emotional issues, face them, then leave them where they belong...in the past.
Today is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Penny

change4penny

Chery, I just read your other post, I somehow missed it before. The post where you were getting directions from the guy @ IOP.
I'm gonna call you out on this...

First of all, relapse happens way before we actually use, and seeing that post made me wonder if you were already projecting using.
Secondly, your comment was basically, "I'm not your common addict, I'm no street criminal, or no check forger"...Let me say this...YET. I'm sorry to inform you of this but, you are an addcit, so am I, and we're no different than that 'street criminal or check forger' only by the grace of God, we haven't gone to certain extremes...YET. When we start setting ourselves apart, then we start justifying our using, and I believe that's what happened in this situation...and that's why you relapsed. There are no variables of addiction....you're either an addict or you're not....period.
I used to think like this...before I got help and went to rehab. I used to say, "oh, I'm not robbing a bank to get high" or "I'm not selling my body for drugs". But I found out while I was in rehab with, doctors lawyers, teachers, and yes, nurses, that no one addict is better than the other, that we all at one time,were little babies full of inocense, some mother's presious child. We all have had problems in our childhood, in our lives. I, for one grew up in a very disfunctional home, with both parents being alcoholics. But, I realized that hanging on to all of that pain, was making me sicker, and furthering my spiral into addiction. I forgave the past and now I've been set free.
You need to do the same and not let it be and excuse to relapse ever again. Today can be the first day of the rest of your life, if you let it.

Penny

Timebuster

Chery, I relapsed after having 12 years of clean time. I went threw the whole cycle again for 3 ½ years. I had to face some things about myself I had not been honest. One being that my life was totally unmanageable from the inside, that is what lead me back to using. I had to take an inventory of who I was, what I was and what my addiction was and how it all effected me staying clean and happy.

Before I relapse, there were things going on in my head that I had to go over in depth, my life and behavior was in shambles, my attitude was really wrong and I wasn't listening to my higher power who was YELLING at me to do just a few things differently.

Keep sharing with us, take the help that comes your way, allow yourself to get better, make meetings, as many as possible... postpone your using thoughts, put in on hold for one-hour at a time, read the chapter "Recovery and Relapse".

In early recovery I remember my head would always want me to continue using, give up on recovery, feel miserable and hopeless so that I get permission to pick up and use. My Sponsor used to tell me back then that just because my head says so doesn't mean I must listen to it... I have a choice... that made a lot of sense to me back then...

Prayers and hugs.
Ivan

bval

It's not really going to be CLOSE to the same 'day one' as was your last 'day one' Chery, because you're going to feel fine in terms of withdrawals ... *this time* ... you won't really have any. But they will come back with a vengeance if you let yourself keep using. Stop now, again. Don't let the fact that you messed up one time put you back into the spiral.

This is only 'the end of the world' ... if you LET IT BE. Right now you still have a choice. You are not physically ensnared with the addiction again ... yet.

Lets just say, this one time, that you had a legitimate medical need for the pills on this one day, just like I felt I did when my tooth exploded on me a few weeks ago and I 'had' to take four percs. I just accepted that I needed them at that moment, and I moved on and everything is fine now.

Had I allowed myself to think OMG my two years is GONE, down the drain, etc, like the way you're thinking, I would've probably been in real trouble ... but I refused to think that way, and I think you should do the same.

Right now, only four percs into a relapse, your 102 days is NOT 'all for naught' ... and it won't be UNLESS you CONTINUE to mess up. You still have a choice, and making the right one here is so unbelievably critical.

Because: trust me, the consequences of your continuing to mess up are going to get nothing but worse and worse. Nothing much has changed here Chery just because you used one time ... but everytime you use from here, things will change more and more, you'll get nothing but further and further from where you were. So ... don't. It's that simple. You gotta suck it up and move on. You got 102 days before, you've proven you can do it. Now you just gotta do it again, and then go beyond it.

BTW ((hugs)) sorry for all the pain you've just been put through again Chery ...

We love you

kj3880

Hi Chery,
Was it considered to be OK to have a dirty urine coming into the first phase of IOP treatment, but wouldn't be later in the program? Because if that is the case, it might be part of why you relapsed. You might have been sucked into the "last hurrah" type of thinking, which is common in entering treatment, even IOP. Or did you just say to yourself "Well, the man from IOP on the phone thinks I'm a common drug addict, so I might as well act the part."

Either way of thinking is a trap. Your adict brain at work. Are you going to meetings now? Because it could really help you identify these patterns of thinking, as all of us addicts have them in common. Maybe it will be easier for you to relate now that you are off of that little pedestal you were trying to climb onto, as you put it. Take it from me, pedestals are very confining. You are better off with your feet firmly on the ground, even though you are down here with all the rest of us addicts...lol...we don't bite. It'll be OK, and it'll be a lot less lonely then the pedestal.

Love,
KJ

And hey, wait a minute...where did the pills come from and do you have access to more of them? I thought we flushed them and locked up the rest a few weeks ago during your HS reunion???? What is going on?

emmer

Hi, I think the main thing is , is that you have gotten back up and started again.
I once flushed approx 400 days. But like you, i started over

Missybuns

Chery,
Your husband may not have your exact experiences. This does not mean he does not have at least some understanding. From what you have shared he obviously has enough understanding to encourage and support you.

He has a good messege.

This is an opportunity to accept help from any source.

Needing help is one thing, accepting it is up to you.

Peace,
Missy

Faerie

Chery,

How are you feeling today?

Remember, you're still my hero,

Much love,

Faerie xx

Dee74

I'd like to know how you're doing too Chery...
you know me...




nosy. LOL
D

Cherybaby66

Hi guys.

Feeling a little bit better today. I read everything you guys wrote and it made me feel a little better. The intake really got to me. I have a heavy history of domestic violence from 1989 to 1991. I was beaten/raped/sodomized by the man I was involved with almost daily during the last year of our relationship. When the counselor asked me about sexual abuse and/or trauma that gave me a diagnosis of PTSD...I guess I wasn't expecting it. It brought up so much stuff within me that I had supressed for so long. I came home an absolute nervous wreck. I got ahold of a "friend" that I know has drugs (I wasn't going to touch my husbands...he would have refused to give me them anyway) and just gulped them down to make it all go away. I felt so comfortably numb afterward...but guilty and ashamed. I went to my IOP meeting today...and I felt like even more of a failure. These people have been in recovery for awhile and are doing exceedingly well...like I was before I blew it. I am so saddened by my reaction and that I threw away all that clean time. The only saving grace is that I know now how to get back on the right track again. What I think is that I need to talk to a counselor, a separate counselor from the IOP and hash out my issues that I never really got past. I set up NA meetings for the week...and realize that I need to work them a little harder than I thought.

I didn't mean what I said about being a common street addict. That came out wrong...and I said it out of distress. I didn't mean to sound like some sort of sophisticated addict or something. I apologize, Penny, if I offended you by making that remark. I know that I am no better or worse than any other addict. I feel terrible for saying that...

You all have to know how precious you are to me. I felt, as I took the pills, that I was betraying all of you...right along with myself.

I lost one of my closest friends to a drug overdose about two years ago. Today is his birthday. He would have been 30 years old today. I suppose that I will celebrate his birthday by making it my new clean date.

I sat in the Kmart parking lot last night, after IOP and after I took those pills and just cried my eyes out. I am all puffy today. I am trying to get past the feeling of self loathing and not punish myself so much. I screwed up. Those 102 days were so precious to me. I cherished them and took such good care of them. I was so excited to have so much time under my belt. I was proud of that achievment. Now I feel like I have nothing to be proud of anymore.

I am blathering. I don't mean to. I just wanted you all to know that I am safe today. I have IOP meetings all week long and have the schedule for NA meetings for the rest of the week. I am going to go daily now...and work the steps a little harder. I suppose that I was doing so well on my own that I took it for granted and didn't work as hard as I should have. Now I realize how easy it is to relapse. It only took a single moment to take away all that hard work.

I appreciate all of you who shared your story of relapse with me. I know it must be hard to revisit something so terrible. I feel very ashamed of myself right now...and it is hard to look at my (very puffy) face in the mirror.

Thank you all so much for supporting me even though I failed. I promise to do better next time around. I want to be an example...not a statistic.

The problem with me is that I feel like I am no longer "qualified" to talk to others about how to get help and get through their addiction. That was one of the highlights of my coming here...to talk about how to be successful in recovery. Now I guess I will have to sit back and keep my mouth shut.

Anyway, I love you all very much. I think of you all the time...whenever I am suffering or struggling...and even when I am having a really good and positive day.

Thank you for keeping me in your hearts and in the fold of your love. I need to have you all in my corner...and it's comforting to know you are all here.

Peace and strength to all of you. Serenity always.

Cher.