Chery, I relapsed after having 12 years of clean time. I went threw the whole cycle again for 3 ½ years. I had to face some things about myself I had not been honest. One being that my life was totally unmanageable from the inside, that is what lead me back to using. I had to take an inventory of who I was, what I was and what my addiction was and how it all effected me staying clean and happy.
Before I relapse, there were things going on in my head that I had to go over in depth, my life and behavior was in shambles, my attitude was really wrong and I wasn't listening to my higher power who was YELLING at me to do just a few things differently.
Keep sharing with us, take the help that comes your way, allow yourself to get better, make meetings, as many as possible... postpone your using thoughts, put in on hold for one-hour at a time, read the chapter "Recovery and Relapse".
In early recovery I remember my head would always want me to continue using, give up on recovery, feel miserable and hopeless so that I get permission to pick up and use. My Sponsor used to tell me back then that just because my head says so doesn't mean I must listen to it... I have a choice... that made a lot of sense to me back then...
Prayers and hugs.
Ivan