Im not going to convince you that "its ok, you slipped up" because thats not what you want to hear. You know what you did. I think you also know that its not going to happen again.
I feel the pain in your post. My eyes watered for you. Im so sorry. The problem is, all those painful memories that triggered you will resurface again someday if not dealt with now. Its ok Chery. You are on the right track and you are stronger than you think you are.