Hi guys.
Feeling a little bit better today. I read everything you guys wrote and it made me feel a little better. The intake really got to me. I have a heavy history of domestic violence from 1989 to 1991. I was beaten/raped/sodomized by the man I was involved with almost daily during the last year of our relationship. When the counselor asked me about sexual abuse and/or trauma that gave me a diagnosis of PTSD...I guess I wasn't expecting it. It brought up so much stuff within me that I had supressed for so long. I came home an absolute nervous wreck. I got ahold of a "friend" that I know has drugs (I wasn't going to touch my husbands...he would have refused to give me them anyway) and just gulped them down to make it all go away. I felt so comfortably numb afterward...but guilty and ashamed. I went to my IOP meeting today...and I felt like even more of a failure. These people have been in recovery for awhile and are doing exceedingly well...like I was before I blew it. I am so saddened by my reaction and that I threw away all that clean time. The only saving grace is that I know now how to get back on the right track again. What I think is that I need to talk to a counselor, a separate counselor from the IOP and hash out my issues that I never really got past. I set up NA meetings for the week...and realize that I need to work them a little harder than I thought.
I didn't mean what I said about being a common street addict. That came out wrong...and I said it out of distress. I didn't mean to sound like some sort of sophisticated addict or something. I apologize, Penny, if I offended you by making that remark. I know that I am no better or worse than any other addict. I feel terrible for saying that...
You all have to know how precious you are to me. I felt, as I took the pills, that I was betraying all of you...right along with myself.
I lost one of my closest friends to a drug overdose about two years ago. Today is his birthday. He would have been 30 years old today. I suppose that I will celebrate his birthday by making it my new clean date.
I sat in the Kmart parking lot last night, after IOP and after I took those pills and just cried my eyes out. I am all puffy today. I am trying to get past the feeling of self loathing and not punish myself so much. I screwed up. Those 102 days were so precious to me. I cherished them and took such good care of them. I was so excited to have so much time under my belt. I was proud of that achievment. Now I feel like I have nothing to be proud of anymore.
I am blathering. I don't mean to. I just wanted you all to know that I am safe today. I have IOP meetings all week long and have the schedule for NA meetings for the rest of the week. I am going to go daily now...and work the steps a little harder. I suppose that I was doing so well on my own that I took it for granted and didn't work as hard as I should have. Now I realize how easy it is to relapse. It only took a single moment to take away all that hard work.
I appreciate all of you who shared your story of relapse with me. I know it must be hard to revisit something so terrible. I feel very ashamed of myself right now...and it is hard to look at my (very puffy) face in the mirror.
Thank you all so much for supporting me even though I failed. I promise to do better next time around. I want to be an example...not a statistic.
The problem with me is that I feel like I am no longer "qualified" to talk to others about how to get help and get through their addiction. That was one of the highlights of my coming here...to talk about how to be successful in recovery. Now I guess I will have to sit back and keep my mouth shut.
Anyway, I love you all very much. I think of you all the time...whenever I am suffering or struggling...and even when I am having a really good and positive day.
Thank you for keeping me in your hearts and in the fold of your love. I need to have you all in my corner...and it's comforting to know you are all here.
Peace and strength to all of you. Serenity always.
Cher.