I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: I’m in Despair
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, you are definitely letting it win. That's not good.
Tats, I could list out several pages of horrible things that have happened to me. Really the worst of human nature being aimed right in my direction. Some of life is truly frightening and incomprehensible.
And yet...
Yet...
There is enough grace for all. There is healing and hope and Life on the other side of addiction and hurt.
I'm sorry. I'd send a hug but frankly internet hugs are only slightly less creepy than real life hugs. Neither are very helpful to me.
We're here. Come back.
Tats, I could list out several pages of horrible things that have happened to me. Really the worst of human nature being aimed right in my direction. Some of life is truly frightening and incomprehensible.
And yet...
Yet...
There is enough grace for all. There is healing and hope and Life on the other side of addiction and hurt.
I'm sorry. I'd send a hug but frankly internet hugs are only slightly less creepy than real life hugs. Neither are very helpful to me.
We're here. Come back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Bimini, thank you, I’m so sorry about the horrible things that happened to you, and so glad you surmounted them. Humans can inflict such pain upon the undeserving, it’s cruelty., evil.
The mere thought that you’d send a hug to me, warms my soul. Because I’m not into false hugs either, but your sentiment is real, and is soothing. Thank you, so very much.
The mere thought that you’d send a hug to me, warms my soul. Because I’m not into false hugs either, but your sentiment is real, and is soothing. Thank you, so very much.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
If it is AV, it is lies. There is no truth in anything said by the AV. The AV is false in its nature, to its very core of being. AV<====>lies
How do you know it is AV? AV is any thought that supports drinking, now, in the past, or in the future. It is also any thought that diminishes in your mind your own ability to quit drinking forever. By extension then, AV is also any thought that seeks to diminish your own self esteem, your worth to yourself and to others.
The AV clearly has a single minded purpose then, to continue consumption of alcohol in pursuit of that deep pleasure and the relief that it brings. It will try to convince you that it and it alone makes life worth living while it makes your life unworthy of living. It will try to convince you that this is all you are capable of while it seeks to diminish your capabilities. It tells you it calms you while making you more anxious, it tells you it cheers you while making you more depressed and it gives you a feeling of satisfaction while removing all reason for self satisfaction.
AV becomes 'not you' by the mental act of declaring your sobriety, by becoming mindful of these thoughts as they occur, and accepting them without struggling with them. Allow them to be. They will pass and you will remain.
There is nothing in that bottle for you, Tatsy, and nothing in your present life that alcohol cannot worsen and destroy.
This is no platitude, Tatsy, you and I know you can do this. Are you ready to make that plan for your continued use of alcohol?
I believe in you.
How do you know it is AV? AV is any thought that supports drinking, now, in the past, or in the future. It is also any thought that diminishes in your mind your own ability to quit drinking forever. By extension then, AV is also any thought that seeks to diminish your own self esteem, your worth to yourself and to others.
The AV clearly has a single minded purpose then, to continue consumption of alcohol in pursuit of that deep pleasure and the relief that it brings. It will try to convince you that it and it alone makes life worth living while it makes your life unworthy of living. It will try to convince you that this is all you are capable of while it seeks to diminish your capabilities. It tells you it calms you while making you more anxious, it tells you it cheers you while making you more depressed and it gives you a feeling of satisfaction while removing all reason for self satisfaction.
AV becomes 'not you' by the mental act of declaring your sobriety, by becoming mindful of these thoughts as they occur, and accepting them without struggling with them. Allow them to be. They will pass and you will remain.
There is nothing in that bottle for you, Tatsy, and nothing in your present life that alcohol cannot worsen and destroy.
This is no platitude, Tatsy, you and I know you can do this. Are you ready to make that plan for your continued use of alcohol?
I believe in you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Thank you Freshstart, I’ll read your post when I’m less inebriated in the morning.
TomSteve, I see you’re following my thread, I tried to PM you, but it didn’t work. If you’ve any words of wisdom, you’re welcome to PM me, very welcome
TomSteve, I see you’re following my thread, I tried to PM you, but it didn’t work. If you’ve any words of wisdom, you’re welcome to PM me, very welcome
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Originally Posted by Tatsy 
I truly love every single person who has posted here, you’re special souls, indeed.
I separated from that ‘want’ to drink, as I did before. Then, then, the AV spoke in such terms, that it was the truth, and I agreed. This isn’t the same as the last time, I was happy and content not drinking, Then life’s events were tumultuous and unfair and quite frankly, in some respects, pretty evil and vindictive and uwarranted and directed at me. And I simply don’t see a way to have karmic justice. And the ramifications and repercussions, if there’s no justice is life changing for me.
And I do realise, that to drink, is to absent myself from engaging proactively in my life, in order to alter its course, but I think it’s too late and I really do not know how I can possibly rebuild. I just don’t.
August, you’re right, first-person Tatsy is still here, but battling, battling against that voice that speaks such truths, and often agreeing that I’m in dire circumstances and how it’s too late to turn things around...and it encourages me to drink, to drown out the doom and gloom and might as well end it all thoughts. Sorry, everyone, but first-person Tatsy listened to the AV and left the room.
Yet, I know I can return, if I can summons, whatever. Because I don’t want to die, so any experience, whatsoever, will be welcomed by the real me, not the me that wants to drink herself to death, in hopeless despair.
I hate myself for writing that last sentence, there are good people lying in hospital fighting and dying of cancer and other terminal illnesses, and I’m tipping alcohol down my throat, it’s disgusting.
I separated from that ‘want’ to drink, as I did before. Then, then, the AV spoke in such terms, that it was the truth, and I agreed. This isn’t the same as the last time, I was happy and content not drinking, Then life’s events were tumultuous and unfair and quite frankly, in some respects, pretty evil and vindictive and uwarranted and directed at me. And I simply don’t see a way to have karmic justice. And the ramifications and repercussions, if there’s no justice is life changing for me.
And I do realise, that to drink, is to absent myself from engaging proactively in my life, in order to alter its course, but I think it’s too late and I really do not know how I can possibly rebuild. I just don’t.
August, you’re right, first-person Tatsy is still here, but battling, battling against that voice that speaks such truths, and often agreeing that I’m in dire circumstances and how it’s too late to turn things around...and it encourages me to drink, to drown out the doom and gloom and might as well end it all thoughts. Sorry, everyone, but first-person Tatsy listened to the AV and left the room.
Yet, I know I can return, if I can summons, whatever. Because I don’t want to die, so any experience, whatsoever, will be welcomed by the real me, not the me that wants to drink herself to death, in hopeless despair.
I hate myself for writing that last sentence, there are good people lying in hospital fighting and dying of cancer and other terminal illnesses, and I’m tipping alcohol down my throat, it’s disgusting.
Tasty...absolutely none of this is true. None.of.it.
I’ve been the victim of tragic life events, unfair, hurtful, evil acts...and the perpetrator never saw justice. He’s dead now so too late. I learned to recover from them by getting sober and seeking out personal therapy. I grew to accept what had happened and to move on. I could not move through the pain until I was sober, I was trapped in a dark world of fear and resentment until I broke away from the shackles of addiction.
It is never too late to change. It is never hopeless. They are lies.
And drowning out the doom and gloom? Temporary relief followed by more shame....no thanks. You are worth way more than that.
You CAN walk through life with your head held high and facing everything life throws at you. You are strong.
I’m rooting for you ❤️
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Oh Jeni, you made me cry, I’m so very sorry that you suffered so much, and yet you’re still here, on the other side, posting and offering me hope. That’s humbling. Maybe Bimini is right, is this grace? I don’t know what it is, Jeni, but you telling me your history, has given me hope. I’m not going to drink anymore tonight. It’s 9:30 pm in the UK and I’ve drank, well, you all probably know it was a ridiculous amount
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Tatsy, if you believe “the voice” that you can drown doom and gloom and sorrow and unfairness and lack of justice and self-disgust and despair....you will have to keep drinking to keep doing that, as they do not drown.
they just lie submerged.
you’re a smart woman, you can see the vicious cycle that traps you in and keeps you trapped in, circling.
this is the secular forum, so there are limits on what can be said here.
to me, despair is part of a spiritual context, and it needs something other than just stopping drinking.
but right now you are in despair about your drinking/inability to stop?
not sure; genuine question.
there are really no words of wisdom as such that can make you change this; you need to act by not lifting any more booze to your mouth, ultimately, and if you cannot do that by yourself, you need to act to get to a detox place and/or do some other stuff you really may not want to do.
life’s events will always include those you mentioned, and yes, yes you can learn new ways , ways to be okay with life and reality, you can get help with that, and you are not so special and unique that you are so screwy you cannot do it. if what you call your AV is telling you that you are somehow uniquely different in such a way from the rest of us ordinary drunks(no offense intended to those of you who don’t use that word) that you cannot possibly get and stay sober, that is the biggest give-away it has no truth. none.
they just lie submerged.
you’re a smart woman, you can see the vicious cycle that traps you in and keeps you trapped in, circling.
this is the secular forum, so there are limits on what can be said here.
to me, despair is part of a spiritual context, and it needs something other than just stopping drinking.
but right now you are in despair about your drinking/inability to stop?
not sure; genuine question.
there are really no words of wisdom as such that can make you change this; you need to act by not lifting any more booze to your mouth, ultimately, and if you cannot do that by yourself, you need to act to get to a detox place and/or do some other stuff you really may not want to do.
life’s events will always include those you mentioned, and yes, yes you can learn new ways , ways to be okay with life and reality, you can get help with that, and you are not so special and unique that you are so screwy you cannot do it. if what you call your AV is telling you that you are somehow uniquely different in such a way from the rest of us ordinary drunks(no offense intended to those of you who don’t use that word) that you cannot possibly get and stay sober, that is the biggest give-away it has no truth. none.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Tatsy.
Listen to me clearly:
You. Can. Do. This.
No more AV excuses about grief, something unfair and unjust that happened, tapering, etc. You know drinking alcohol (a depressant!) and being on this quitting drinking roller coaster are not helping you one bit with handling life. As you know, life is HARD, and there are unfair things that happen, but those things have absolutely nothing to do with your drinking. Not one iota. They are just excuses. I’ve used them myself, I know. The ONLY thing that is causing you to drink is that you are listening to your AV. Why? What has it ever done for you? Do you think all of us are lying and your friend AV is the only one telling the truth?
If your AV actually IS telling the truth, drinking will still be a good idea in a week, right? Why not listen to us, quit for 7 days, and only after 7 days have passed then vow to quit for good with your Big Plan? If drinking is such a good idea, it’ll still be there for you in a week, right? What is the harm of trusting us and putting down the bottle, at least for a short time, until you clear your head so you can actually USE your head?
You have done this Tatsy. You have! So, your sober neural pathways are all built, they’re just waiting for you to hop aboard. Please, please trust us. I know you can do this. I really know it. You don’t have to know it right now. You don’t. Just stop. For this moment, then the next, then the next moment, just stop. Eventually, you will find peace. Just TRUST this.
Listen to me clearly:
You. Can. Do. This.
No more AV excuses about grief, something unfair and unjust that happened, tapering, etc. You know drinking alcohol (a depressant!) and being on this quitting drinking roller coaster are not helping you one bit with handling life. As you know, life is HARD, and there are unfair things that happen, but those things have absolutely nothing to do with your drinking. Not one iota. They are just excuses. I’ve used them myself, I know. The ONLY thing that is causing you to drink is that you are listening to your AV. Why? What has it ever done for you? Do you think all of us are lying and your friend AV is the only one telling the truth?
If your AV actually IS telling the truth, drinking will still be a good idea in a week, right? Why not listen to us, quit for 7 days, and only after 7 days have passed then vow to quit for good with your Big Plan? If drinking is such a good idea, it’ll still be there for you in a week, right? What is the harm of trusting us and putting down the bottle, at least for a short time, until you clear your head so you can actually USE your head?
You have done this Tatsy. You have! So, your sober neural pathways are all built, they’re just waiting for you to hop aboard. Please, please trust us. I know you can do this. I really know it. You don’t have to know it right now. You don’t. Just stop. For this moment, then the next, then the next moment, just stop. Eventually, you will find peace. Just TRUST this.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey, Tats.
You said it's not the same this time. The AV is just as intelligent as you are, so of course it's different. You wouldn't fall for the same tricks again, so it tries new and more malicious and/or sneaky tactics. I recognize the tactic of the AV using what it knows to be true. From there, it takes the truth (your current pain, hurts, fears, resentments) and twists that truth using manipulation and bribery: in order to bear this truth, you must drink. False! You will never be able to get out of this hole. Wrong! You're beyond hope now; might as well stay drunk. BS!
You know this is because the beast doesn't have the capacity to care about anything, it just wants so very badly for you to drink. You know this.
Telling you that your troubles are nothing because other people are sick and dying is another AV tactic. "Look how selfish you are; if you cared about other people with 'real' problems, you wouldn't be such a selfish sot." Thereby making you feel like an even bigger loser. How to forget or drown that feeling? AV says, "Might as well drink."
My favorite brother had Stage IV cancer when we had a discussion about my drinking. Very brief because that's how we tend to be in my family, but it was powerful to me. I said "Our situations are completely different - you are really sick; I did this to myself." He said something like, "No, O. Your struggle is just as real as mine. We're both fighting to live."
You've got the fight in you, I know it.
You said it's not the same this time. The AV is just as intelligent as you are, so of course it's different. You wouldn't fall for the same tricks again, so it tries new and more malicious and/or sneaky tactics. I recognize the tactic of the AV using what it knows to be true. From there, it takes the truth (your current pain, hurts, fears, resentments) and twists that truth using manipulation and bribery: in order to bear this truth, you must drink. False! You will never be able to get out of this hole. Wrong! You're beyond hope now; might as well stay drunk. BS!
You know this is because the beast doesn't have the capacity to care about anything, it just wants so very badly for you to drink. You know this.
Telling you that your troubles are nothing because other people are sick and dying is another AV tactic. "Look how selfish you are; if you cared about other people with 'real' problems, you wouldn't be such a selfish sot." Thereby making you feel like an even bigger loser. How to forget or drown that feeling? AV says, "Might as well drink."
My favorite brother had Stage IV cancer when we had a discussion about my drinking. Very brief because that's how we tend to be in my family, but it was powerful to me. I said "Our situations are completely different - you are really sick; I did this to myself." He said something like, "No, O. Your struggle is just as real as mine. We're both fighting to live."
You've got the fight in you, I know it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
Morning Tatsy;
Just having my first coffee and packing up for a weekend at he lake with spouse.
Grab a cuppa and let's sit in the field out front by the flowers and watch the sun come up. Amazing how many birds you can hear, isn't it?
I'm headed to the lake house soon. I will load the car and hit the road within the hour.
I wish it was as relaxing as it sounds but unfortunately will be working on much deferred maintenance and remodeling projects plus grotty cleaning from last basement flood. He's being stubborn about trying to solve plumbing issues himself so we can only use minimal water which I find particularly irritating.
Plus my own "deferred maintenance" from work projects so I am culpable too.
I've had some struggles recovering from the last relapses to be honest.
I really empathize with where you are right now. The AV is a tough critic with a one-stop solution which simply doesn't work for me anymore. The oblivion is so short now and comes with a terrible cost physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The pain / pleasure ratio has totally flipped. This I guess is later stage alcoholism.
I see the endgame to drinking so clearly now. Not through my lenses of denial, deferral, and desperation to escape myself and my situation no matter how briefly. Endgame for AV is drama, destruction, and death. Maybe more on that later but I find myself when alone saying out loud "I don't want to die from this" and I don't, no matter how tired I am or how unfair my circumstances have been. Even with all the hurt and pain and massive clean up I have begun facing, I want to create a better outcome: An endgame not chosen by addiction but by me. One I can be proud of and enjoy living with.
Tats, it is hard, but isn't drinking so much harder? Even overwhelmed, I am so much more peaceful and positive sober. If I get nothing else done but not drinking of a day, I've done a good day's work towards rebuilding my life and healing my wounds.
It does get easier and relapses can be great portals of insight. We can do this together. We deserve a life worth living.
More coffee or would you prefer tea?
Love ya girl
Just having my first coffee and packing up for a weekend at he lake with spouse.
Grab a cuppa and let's sit in the field out front by the flowers and watch the sun come up. Amazing how many birds you can hear, isn't it?
I'm headed to the lake house soon. I will load the car and hit the road within the hour.
I wish it was as relaxing as it sounds but unfortunately will be working on much deferred maintenance and remodeling projects plus grotty cleaning from last basement flood. He's being stubborn about trying to solve plumbing issues himself so we can only use minimal water which I find particularly irritating.
Plus my own "deferred maintenance" from work projects so I am culpable too.
I've had some struggles recovering from the last relapses to be honest.
I really empathize with where you are right now. The AV is a tough critic with a one-stop solution which simply doesn't work for me anymore. The oblivion is so short now and comes with a terrible cost physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The pain / pleasure ratio has totally flipped. This I guess is later stage alcoholism.
I see the endgame to drinking so clearly now. Not through my lenses of denial, deferral, and desperation to escape myself and my situation no matter how briefly. Endgame for AV is drama, destruction, and death. Maybe more on that later but I find myself when alone saying out loud "I don't want to die from this" and I don't, no matter how tired I am or how unfair my circumstances have been. Even with all the hurt and pain and massive clean up I have begun facing, I want to create a better outcome: An endgame not chosen by addiction but by me. One I can be proud of and enjoy living with.
Tats, it is hard, but isn't drinking so much harder? Even overwhelmed, I am so much more peaceful and positive sober. If I get nothing else done but not drinking of a day, I've done a good day's work towards rebuilding my life and healing my wounds.
It does get easier and relapses can be great portals of insight. We can do this together. We deserve a life worth living.
More coffee or would you prefer tea?
Love ya girl
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Tatsy, I'm very glad you struck a little pal-ship with dear Jeni. She's terrific and I've known her since Feb 2016 She did her first year of uni with flying colors - just one thing done since she got sober!!
Hope you chime in today. What we have is a disease and while sometimes the comparisons to cancer, etc are useful - sometimes they just aren't because we are legitimately sick too. The huge difference is that we can choose to stop our poison, or the progression of our disease, ourselves. Every day, keep it in remission.
We all want you to quit- and we all know life is HARD. Right now, I'm facing some of the biggest challenges of my sober life: a stepson in a residential living program who has (drumroll) tested positive for pot twice - and a finally determined deal w my back, which is major degenerative disk disease (essentially I have zero buffer between my L4 and L5 grinding together) and a few other "little" things to boot, so it's surgery ASAP...and....
but being sober during all this (and getting myself a therapist to see weekly!!) is the only way I can deal - well. not perfectly, or every moment- I hit my threshold discussing my step son, for example, and my husband and I are navigating that!
I wish that for you too. It is TERRIFYING to leave the booze. I had no idea what life would - could- be like. And not to sound like a greeting card either, it's impossibly better than I could have imagined on this side. It's truly real.
Stay with us. While we are alive, there is hope. Don't let this disease kill you.
She did her first year of uni with flying colors - just one thing done since she got sober!!Hope you chime in today. What we have is a disease and while sometimes the comparisons to cancer, etc are useful - sometimes they just aren't because we are legitimately sick too. The huge difference is that we can choose to stop our poison, or the progression of our disease, ourselves. Every day, keep it in remission.
We all want you to quit- and we all know life is HARD. Right now, I'm facing some of the biggest challenges of my sober life: a stepson in a residential living program who has (drumroll) tested positive for pot twice - and a finally determined deal w my back, which is major degenerative disk disease (essentially I have zero buffer between my L4 and L5 grinding together) and a few other "little" things to boot, so it's surgery ASAP...and....
but being sober during all this (and getting myself a therapist to see weekly!!) is the only way I can deal - well. not perfectly, or every moment- I hit my threshold discussing my step son, for example, and my husband and I are navigating that!
I wish that for you too. It is TERRIFYING to leave the booze. I had no idea what life would - could- be like. And not to sound like a greeting card either, it's impossibly better than I could have imagined on this side. It's truly real.
Stay with us. While we are alive, there is hope. Don't let this disease kill you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
I’m overwhelmed by the astoundingly supportive posts from every one of you above.
I keep re-reading them, searing them into my consciousness. You all speak such truth. The AV speaks only untruths.
I had a dark night of the soul throughout last night. Whilst awake and asleep; the latter being excruciating nightmares reliving the past and corrupting my desire to prevail. So the AV continues it’s subjugation whilst I’m not conscious.
I will prevail. How can I not try and seize this opportunity, with all of you rooting for me. A heartfelt thank you to all💓
I keep re-reading them, searing them into my consciousness. You all speak such truth. The AV speaks only untruths.
I had a dark night of the soul throughout last night. Whilst awake and asleep; the latter being excruciating nightmares reliving the past and corrupting my desire to prevail. So the AV continues it’s subjugation whilst I’m not conscious.
I will prevail. How can I not try and seize this opportunity, with all of you rooting for me. A heartfelt thank you to all💓
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