Morning Tatsy;
Just having my first coffee and packing up for a weekend at he lake with spouse.
Grab a cuppa and let's sit in the field out front by the flowers and watch the sun come up. Amazing how many birds you can hear, isn't it?
I'm headed to the lake house soon. I will load the car and hit the road within the hour.
I wish it was as relaxing as it sounds but unfortunately will be working on much deferred maintenance and remodeling projects plus grotty cleaning from last basement flood. He's being stubborn about trying to solve plumbing issues himself so we can only use minimal water which I find particularly irritating.
Plus my own "deferred maintenance" from work projects so I am culpable too.
I've had some struggles recovering from the last relapses to be honest.
I really empathize with where you are right now. The AV is a tough critic with a one-stop solution which simply doesn't work for me anymore. The oblivion is so short now and comes with a terrible cost physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The pain / pleasure ratio has totally flipped. This I guess is later stage alcoholism.
I see the endgame to drinking so clearly now. Not through my lenses of denial, deferral, and desperation to escape myself and my situation no matter how briefly. Endgame for AV is drama, destruction, and death. Maybe more on that later but I find myself when alone saying out loud "I don't want to die from this" and I don't, no matter how tired I am or how unfair my circumstances have been. Even with all the hurt and pain and massive clean up I have begun facing, I want to create a better outcome: An endgame not chosen by addiction but by me. One I can be proud of and enjoy living with.
Tats, it is hard, but isn't drinking so much harder? Even overwhelmed, I am so much more peaceful and positive sober. If I get nothing else done but not drinking of a day, I've done a good day's work towards rebuilding my life and healing my wounds.
It does get easier and relapses can be great portals of insight. We can do this together. We deserve a life worth living.
More coffee or would you prefer tea?
Love ya girl
