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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

Old 07-31-2019, 11:33 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, you know that only you can stop this tail spin, and the duration and damage it causes is entirely in your control. Not ITs. Yours.

I've been learning the tarot and on the devil card the people are chained by big loose chains, symbolizing that at anytime they can lift their own chains and free themselves. Just walk away. It is an illusion that they are enslaved.

If the real you didn't want this, you wouldn't be here. Pure AV buddy.

I think you were grieving and your heart was breaking and you turned to what you thought would give you some relief, and it turned on you, like it always does.

Take it back.
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Old 07-31-2019, 11:44 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Yes, Wholesome (Zen) grief instigated this self-indulgent drinking episode and fuelled it.

I love that you mentioned kicking off the chains, because I dug out a book today, on the cover, saw the butterfly, released from its chains. Beautiful release from entrapment.

And that can be me, again, if only I stand up for my freedom, and eschew self-indulgence. I need to put an end to this self-induced pity-party. Thank you all, for your posts, I appreciate everyone of you.
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Old 07-31-2019, 12:05 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Grief is a response to something that happened it is a result.

Drinking is planned action, preemptive planning to reach a result.

Good try, Tatsy's AV, but just another non sequitur, which your justifications are made of, but good try, you (AV) knows the gig is up , yeah ?
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Old 07-31-2019, 12:16 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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I dearly wish I had access to you guys when I first contemplated, then drank, many months ago. Perhaps my fault, probably, wish it hadn’t happened. I’ve learnt, but it’s a very damaging lesson.
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Old 07-31-2019, 12:25 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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What's done is done. What matters now is today and the future.

Now you know and you've learned your lesson. Maybe it was the hard way, but I've found that those are the ones I learned the best. Now you can move forward without a nugget of doubt left about your future plans with alcohol.
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Old 07-31-2019, 01:31 PM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by freshstart57 View Post
Whatís your plan for continuing to use alcohol, Tatsy? What is the end state? You get to choose everything about this, you know. Your alcohol pleasure monkey says Hey, Not so fast! I canít quit, and if I could, I canít quit right now.

You know better. You can. All you have to do is say so. Go all Patrick Stewart on itís azz and make it so. Of all the possible times to quit and make it so, the best by far is this present moment. In a way, and itís a big way, now is the only time to quit. Now.

Dump it all. Take a big drink of water and look at the death defying act youíve just committed. Take a walk and look at what is there for you. You are doing what you know is Ďyouí.

I love this.

Tasty, I know how hard it is to come back from a relapse, I had a similar amount of sober time as you and threw it all away.

But Iím now in my 4th year of sobriety again, and I treasure every day of this new freedom. Everything is better, and I am no prisoner to my addiction any more, and never will be again.

You can do this. I believe in you. ❤️
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Old 07-31-2019, 05:28 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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We can't undo the past Tatsy - today is the day that counts

D
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Old 08-01-2019, 03:39 AM
  # 68 (permalink)  
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I've been meditating to sounds and frequencies, here are a few of my favourites for to try, if you want Tatsy.




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Old 08-01-2019, 06:26 AM
  # 69 (permalink)  
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I hope you're not drinking today, Tatsy.

When I was newly sober I was so jumpy. I couldn't even listen to any music with words, it was just too much. I listened to instrumental classical music on Pandora, and I had some old affirmation/white noise subliminal tapes that I listened to.

These days I start my morning with coffee and birdsong:

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Old 08-01-2019, 10:35 AM
  # 70 (permalink)  
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When do you think is the best time to give yourself that chance you would give your best friend, your child or sister or brother, your cousin, or indeed any random stranger on the street? When is it time for that fresh start? Is it enough yet? Is it time to put it down?

Can you quit for a moment? Can you quit for this moment now? How about this one? And this one? We both know the answers here, Tatsy. You have everything you need already to do this. Itís inside you. Put it down and just sit and listen. Itís there. You are there. And that is enough.
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Old 08-01-2019, 11:08 AM
  # 71 (permalink)  
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Thank you Wholesome, Cosima, Entropy, Fini, Jeni, Dwtbd, Dee, Bimini and Freshstart and all the earlier posters ��.

I’ve been avoiding my thread, reading around SR and posting in others threads. Avoidance behaviour. Not focusing upon the enormity of what I need to do. Deflection.

Crazy, I know.....I just can’t seem to garner the impetus required. Or should I say, hope, for the future. Yet this impasse sure feels horrendous. Deflated. Defeat seems easier.

And I’m sorry I keep adding to this post, but I want to express, truly, how I’m feeling right now.
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Old 08-01-2019, 11:12 AM
  # 72 (permalink)  
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Same.
Let's do this.
We can.
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Old 08-01-2019, 12:20 PM
  # 73 (permalink)  
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Still rooting for you Tatsy.

You just gotta flick that switch and you will be back. You know how it works. I think your almost there - teetering on the brink of sobriety.
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Old 08-01-2019, 01:06 PM
  # 74 (permalink)  
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Thank you Kaily, I appreciate your support . Everyone elseís too
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Old 08-01-2019, 01:58 PM
  # 75 (permalink)  
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An enormous task? That be your Alcohol Addiction Pleasure Monkey talking again.
"Pssst. We can't do this! This is HUUUUUUGE! A Sisyphean task if there ever was one. EY yi yi! It is terrifying! OH NOOOEESSSSS!"
You know better. You know it is as easy and simple as opening your hand. All the thoughts of future potential difficulties all come from beast. And the way to separate YOU from IT, to separate your thoughts from the thoughts of the beast, is to make, or remake in this case, that commitment to life and to you and your future.
There doesn't have to be any catastrophizing, you know that is all beast. In fact, absolutely ZERO badness will happen, and only good, life giving things will happen, many of them the very instant you make that decision to declare your freedom from alcohol .

Are you ready, Tatsy? Open your hand, step through the door into the light. It is all there for you.
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Old 08-01-2019, 02:25 PM
  # 76 (permalink)  
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The idea it takes impetus to stop sounds like AV to me.
Just stop Tatsy.

D
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Old 08-01-2019, 03:40 PM
  # 77 (permalink)  
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Rashes can be because of drinking. It really screws up our whole system and candida can rear up on skin. Also psoriasis.

I don't think you want to give up. You wouldn't be here. And drinking because of grief? You're actually just delaying the real grief....that will come. And that's ok.

The real question is, is drinking actually working?
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Old 08-01-2019, 07:30 PM
  # 78 (permalink)  
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i was thinking about both of you on my little hike with my dog today, Tatsy and Obladi, and remembering back to when i adopted this beast, Louie.
how i was prepared, knew lots about dogs, difficulties and challenges, and was prepared for anything she might throw at me. i mean: she was two and a half and clearly had had ample time to get whatever bad habits or fears or reactions deeply ingrained.
i was ready.
so i was convinced.
well no, i had no idea.
by day three i was in tears. hopeless, knew i could not, could see mo way out or forward. could not face returning her to the spca, and basically wished her dead a few times. that was the only solution i could see.
i know this sounds ridiculously over-the-top. and it was. but its also what was real to me.

in the end, there was only one thing to do: buckle down and hire some trainers, let them go after a week or two, take the beastie-girl and myself to several sets of obedience lessons and do the damn training. every day.

just thinking this morning about the similarities...the overwhelm, the despair, the powerless feeling that paralyzes, and seeing only a destructive solution.

and then the decision of a direction, and putting in the work to get and keep the result.

i read this in a book by the Monks Of New Skete a long time ago: you have the dog you want. if you really didnít, you would do the work to change it.

enough with the dog-stories.
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Old 08-02-2019, 05:44 AM
  # 79 (permalink)  
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Awhile ago I got all paranoid about Facebook and Google and deleted all my accounts, because I realized it was about consent. I had to agree to let them in, sort of like a vampire. So I removed my consent.

It's not that different with the Beast of addiction. You have to consent to IT. At any time, you can say No and remove your consent.
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Old 08-02-2019, 05:57 AM
  # 80 (permalink)  
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Tatsy I hope you're not drinking today.

That's all I've got. Just sending support over the interwebz.
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