Tatsy, if you believe “the voice” that you can drown doom and gloom and sorrow and unfairness and lack of justice and self-disgust and despair....you will have to keep drinking to keep doing that, as they do not drown.
they just lie submerged.
you’re a smart woman, you can see the vicious cycle that traps you in and keeps you trapped in, circling.
this is the secular forum, so there are limits on what can be said here.
to me, despair is part of a spiritual context, and it needs something other than just stopping drinking.
but right now you are in despair about your drinking/inability to stop?
not sure; genuine question.
there are really no words of wisdom as such that can make you change this; you need to act by not lifting any more booze to your mouth, ultimately, and if you cannot do that by yourself, you need to act to get to a detox place and/or do some other stuff you really may not want to do.
life’s events will always include those you mentioned, and yes, yes you can learn new ways , ways to be okay with life and reality, you can get help with that, and you are not so special and unique that you are so screwy you cannot do it. if what you call your AV is telling you that you are somehow uniquely different in such a way from the rest of us ordinary drunks(no offense intended to those of you who don’t use that word) that you cannot possibly get and stay sober, that is the biggest give-away it has no truth. none.