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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: I知 in Despair

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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: I知 in Despair

Old 07-27-2019, 06:50 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, I did a taper without drugs. I think what you're doing is going to serve you far better in the long run. Drugs/benzos are their own little corner of Hell. Been there. I believe a natural detox taught me what I needed to learn.

I did a very short taper though. I went from daily long-term round-the-clock drinking of around 12-14 units down to zero in three days.

Yes, it was uncomfortable. And it was difficult. Anxiety? My constant companion. A lot of it is physical, so just keep doing it and keep stepping down. After I was clean again it still took a few more months to lose the anxiety feelings, so I had to research other things to do about anxiety in natural non-substance ways.

Box Breathing, the Navy Seal Technique

It's gonna take time.

I'm glad you made it back.

Keep reading and know that we are in your corner.
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Old 07-27-2019, 06:55 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I have tremendous sympathy for those in the UK having to deal with the broken system in place for alcoholics. The US is so much easier. Frankly its a tough social problem and I'm not sure anyone has really figured out how to handle addicts. No doubt its a huge cost to society. But stigmatizing and acting like its a 'moral' issue is ridiculous.

It's good to see you back. The 2 year year mark is a common relapse mark. Oh hell maybe any mark is a common relapse mark. I dunno.

For me, I always remind myself that drinking absolutely won't work. I don't care that I'm an addict, I don't care about control or normal drinking. Not sure I ever was a normal drinker, even when alcohol didn't really screw up my life.

I've had a bit of a crap storm life for a couple of years. Not all bad, not at all. But hard. Very very hard. And there have been many times that I've wanted to drink. But the stark reality is, it won't help. My brain will suggest the idea, and I have to, almost sadly, accept it won't do a darn thing. It isn't just I don't drink, or I won't drink. Its, why bother? Nothing will change. Well, not true. Life will suck even more. Ha! That doesn't sound very hopeful. Just real.

Glad you are back and keep us posted!
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Old 07-27-2019, 09:30 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
i personally don’t believe in the idea of a right time, as it implies there are wrong times to stop, also.
it is always the right time.
but i guess it is meant more in the sense of “being ready”, which is a nebulous concept, yet i know it was true for me.
great to see you connecting again.
Thank you fini, it’s great to be reconnected.

Yes, it’s my ‘being ready time’.
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Old 07-27-2019, 09:38 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
I know well the feeling of shame, but you can discard it here now that you've expressed it. It takes a great deal of humility and courage to come here and post about relapse
Thank you O for your kind words. It wasn’t easy, making a relapse post: particularly after I was previously SO cocksure, that I’d never drink again, and never change my mind!

I was apprehensive and did worry that I’d encounter some finger-pointers. But I was so very wrong, and I’m sorry I even had that negative thought regarding SR members. I’ve experienced quite the opposite, nothing but fantastic support.
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Old 07-27-2019, 09:47 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by least View Post
I wish you well on your sober journey. I know how hard it is to come back. I drank after 20 yrs sober. But this winter I'll have 10 yrs sober, so I'm getting there.
Thank you for your well wishes, Least, they mean a lot to me .
I never knew you had a previous 20 year sobriety, there痴 hope for me yet. Your constant words of support on SR have drilled into my head, to good effect:

添ou have to want to be sober, more than you want to drink and 敵ratitude works. Oh yes. Yes to both.
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Old 07-27-2019, 11:02 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Tatsy, I did a taper without drugs. I think what you're doing is going to serve you far better in the long run. Drugs/benzos are their own little corner of Hell. Been there. I believe a natural detox taught me what I needed to learn.

I did a very short taper though. I went from daily long-term round-the-clock drinking of around 12-14 units down to zero in three days.

Yes, it was uncomfortable. And it was difficult. Anxiety? My constant companion. A lot of it is physical, so just keep doing it and keep stepping down. After I was clean again it still took a few more months to lose the anxiety feelings, so I had to research other things to do about anxiety in natural non-substance ways.

Box Breathing, the Navy Seal Technique

It's gonna take time.

I'm glad you made it back.

Keep reading and know that we are in your corner.
Thank you, for your kind words regarding my return. I looked up the Box Breathing link, and practised it today. Blimey, it’s amazing, my heart rate fell! Wow!

Yes, I’m inclined to think you’re correct regarding the benzos, they apparently act on the same brain receptors, so yes, I’d be at risk of swapping one addiction, for another.

Anxiety? Oh my, Bimini. I too have lived with it all my life. Most likely I began drinking to self-medicate the effects. Who knows, why, really, I just wish to stop again. Drinking does not work, for anxiety, or anything else. I drink (sorry drank) to pass out. I might as well have given myself concussion, it would’ve been less damaging to every single cell in my body.

I’d really appreciate it if you would give me guidance regarding natural ways, that you’ve found beneficial, to deal with anxiety. I really do appreciate your support, thnak you for being in my corner
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Old 07-27-2019, 11:57 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, there are many many ways to work with your body to keep anxiety down.

Exercise, healthy nutrition, therapy, meditation, joining in activities like sports or taking a class in watercolors or learning to kayak. Reading recovery books or listening to recovery podcasts like, "This Naked Mind," self help books, volunteering. Grounding activities like walking barefoot, doing "tapping," visualization, hypnosis, massage, other spiritual practices like yoga. That breathing exercise I linked is just one tool.

We each come with our own past to overcome and I had to treat *my* issues, which are likely a little bit different than yours.

Seek and you will find.
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Old 07-28-2019, 05:48 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Welcome Back, Tatsy!

'Secular' is a better place with you in it. Whatever the reason, I'm heartened to see you again, since your insightful Posts were always a real boost for my Permanent Sobriety. It is both kind and generous of you to display your usual rigorous honesty while returning here for support. Which, as you can read, you can count on. You're helping others more than you know.

One of my take-aways from SR over the Years is absorb and appreciate how individual the Recovery Journey is. It can't be reduced to a Formulaic Process; there's simply too many blunt Testimonials to the contrary. So, for whatever reason this latest detour was put in front of you by The Universe, you will prevail with your prior successes as part of your coping Arsenal. Your last run of Sobriety is extremely laudable. More importantly, it now provides a clear Roadmap of where you again need to be. Your steadfast resolve to get there radiates from your Posts.

I have no doubt that ultimately you can and will prevail over transient obstacles. Nothing is quite so clear as the Path Rediscovered.

You know where to find us. All the best...
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Old 07-29-2019, 04:18 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Bimini, thank you for your comprehensive list of ideas. It triggered a recollection of a long since buried stack of materials (wooden easel. pads, canvas, watercolours and oils) purchased in readiness for a failed sobriety attempt 7 or so years ago. I was great at planning, not so good on the doing.

I’ve dug them out. This time, I will use them, might even take and post a photo of my attempts - I’ll give a sight for sore eyes warning alert!
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Old 07-29-2019, 04:31 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Oh MesaMan, thank you so much for your kind post of support.

These words of yours are extremely uplifting and encouraging: I intend to adopt them as a positive affirmation.

Originally Posted by MesaMan View Post
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I have no doubt that ultimately you can and will prevail over transient obstacles. Nothing is quite so clear as the Path Rediscovered. .
I’m humbled and will do everything in my power, to ensure that your faith in me is justified.
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Old 07-29-2019, 05:56 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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"I知 humbled and will do everything in my power, to ensure that your faith in me is justified."

Not to speak for MM, but I'm sure I'm right , that his and my faith in You are rock solid, Tatsy gots to get herself some and Keep it !
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Old 07-29-2019, 03:42 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Welcome back Tatsy. I remember your posts about neuroplasticity always resonated with me.. We can always forge new paths but never fully erase the old ones if we go back to those same behaviors. Honestly believing in and utilizing that simple truth could almost be a recovery method of its own. And great news it can be applied to just about every other subconscious habit and pattern (which lay the groundwork of our lives) as well.

Best wishes with everything as you transition back into sobriety!
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Old 07-30-2019, 03:33 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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How are you today Tatsy? Well, I'm late. You're probably sleeping.....hopefully anyway!
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Old 07-30-2019, 08:58 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Hi Tatsy. When will be your last drink? I know that痴 a little abrupt, but you know that we need to get to that point first. Until that happens, it痴 not quitting, it痴 still drinking.
We have done this thing, you and I, and we know it痴 hard, but we致e done hard things before. It needs doing, Tatsy. I believe in you. You deserve a good life because you池e one of the good ones. Go do it.
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Old 07-31-2019, 07:51 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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I normally respond to every kind poster...but Cosima, dwtbd, entropy and freshstart, I simply can’t find the words, because I’m not fully corpus mentis, because I'm drinking, aka tapering.

Oh my. I feel like a bystander watching my own demise - like a distant rubber-necker at a road traffic accident, and I’m the one trapped in the vehicle.
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Old 07-31-2019, 07:55 AM
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Tats, said as kindly as I can...six days since your first post...that should have you down to one drink.

I found if I had two, all bets were off. Try to make it one. Today.

Then zero tomorrow.

A taper is only a taper when it has an end. Otherwise, like freshstart says - it's just drinking.

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Old 07-31-2019, 08:49 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, it's kinda easy to let yourself be the bystander. a victim to yourself.
being the actor in your life requires action...you know that, of course.
and if you cannot do the required actions to help yourself get to zero, then you can and need to take the actions to get help with doing that.
you can do this!
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Old 07-31-2019, 09:04 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Tatsy View Post
I知 not fully corpus mentis
Just noticed my spelling mistake, but it痴 still apt. Copious amounts of alcohol poison affects both mind and body LOLish
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Old 07-31-2019, 10:22 AM
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What’s your plan for continuing to use alcohol, Tatsy? What is the end state? You get to choose everything about this, you know. Your alcohol pleasure monkey says Hey, Not so fast! I can’t quit, and if I could, I can’t quit right now.

You know better. You can. All you have to do is say so. Go all Patrick Stewart on it’s azz and make it so. Of all the possible times to quit and make it so, the best by far is this present moment. In a way, and it’s a big way, now is the only time to quit. Now.

Dump it all. Take a big drink of water and look at the death defying act you’ve just committed. Take a walk and look at what is there for you. You are doing what you know is ‘you’.
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Old 07-31-2019, 10:52 AM
  # 60 (permalink)  
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Oh freshstart, thank you, I know you池e right, such sage words that speak truth and I know I知 capable. But, the AV whispers in my ear, it痴 too late, does that make sense?

Plus, for a few months I have troubling rashes on parts of my skin, which Dr, Google diagnoses as possibly cancer (after extensive research) and I can稚 find any less alarming condition possibilities. The rational part of me realises it could be the effects of resuming alcohol poison, after so long eating and drinking healthily.

And because I致e been drinking and in a dishevelled state, I致e been too ashamed to visit my doctor, in this regard. In any event, had I done so, the treatment wouldn稚 have worked. because I was drinking.

I do realise how pathetic and weak I sound. I know I知 capable of stopping drinking again (I致e done all the neuroplasticity research and contentedly achieved that state before) but the question now is - do I want to? Or am I in full self-destruct mode. Or am I pandering to the AV.

As Algorithm once said to Zenchaser 奏here痴 no separation there, Zen.
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