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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

Old 08-15-2019, 07:03 PM
  # 181 (permalink)  
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ďMy experience is irrefutable.Ē

that knowledge is the foundation.
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Old 08-15-2019, 09:36 PM
  # 182 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, so proud of you, and so good to see you back.
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Old 08-16-2019, 02:40 AM
  # 183 (permalink)  
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Happy Day 3, my friend!
How are you feeling today?
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Old 08-16-2019, 04:11 AM
  # 184 (permalink)  
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Morning All,

Just got a discount on a new Chambourd Bodum French Press coffee maker.

How about some French roast coffee and an omelet? We can watch the sun come up and moon set.

I am feeling much better today so game on for drive to lake house, spouse, and puppies!

Happy Day Three Tatsy—
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Old 08-16-2019, 04:16 AM
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Welcome to Day 3 Tats, sorry to be late to the party but I slept in.

The coffee is delicous, thanks. I do love an omelet from time to time.

Safe drive Hawk.
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Old 08-16-2019, 06:14 AM
  # 186 (permalink)  
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Glad you're feeling better, Hawk. What a nice way to start the weekend. An omelet sounds delightful - spinach, sauteed mushrooms and onions, and swiss cheese. Soft, not overcooked.

(Emoji selected to make sure Tats knows she's special and deserves them. )
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Old 08-16-2019, 12:27 PM
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Hey Tats how are you? Sleeping better yet?
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Old 08-16-2019, 02:01 PM
  # 188 (permalink)  
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Thank you all for your continuing support. Day 3 successful and Day 4 dawns!

I want to post this here, because it was instrumental in my girdling my sobriety loins. It was posted by our esteemed Dee74 on Obladi’s Thread Part One.

It struck me as helpful equating the Addiction/AV as a parasite, which negated it’s power. As opposed to the Addiction/AV being a Beast. In my mind, a parasite is tiny and powerless, compared to its larger host: me. Whereas a Beast, could be deemed to be stronger and more powerful than a human. I am a higher being, I make the decisions, not the parasite/beastie.

This post struck a symphony of chords in my mind. It spoke directly to me, was a mirror of my experience, to include the losses. So here it is in full: thank you Dee! ❣

My addiction loved it when I 'pushed the boat out',
Lose my job? great - more time to drink...

Push away everything and everyone I hold dear? great - more reason to drink and less impediments.

Our addiction is basic and primeval - it doesn't care about anything but the next drink. It's a basic parasite and not even a good one at that - it doesn't even had a survival instinct - if the host dies, too bad, at least It'll die sated.

It wants you not to care - about jobs, about relationships, about health, about self worth....

Even if you can't love yourself today thats not reason enough to continue the self destruction.

That's its agenda, not yours.

Even on this thread its obvious you are loved and respected,
Whatever babbling BS the AV has got going in your head is a total lie.

You're a higher being - the basic parasitic AV cannot compete with that. You hold the power.
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Old 08-17-2019, 04:35 AM
  # 189 (permalink)  
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Coffee anyone??

Raining here, and lots of work to do (as always it seems).

Thanks for reposting Dee's post, loved it then, love it now.

How is day 4 going? Would love to hear.
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Old 08-17-2019, 05:35 AM
  # 190 (permalink)  
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On Day 4, Iíve been reflecting on what drove me to sabotage my 2 and a half year sobriety. Yes, I listened to/enacted the AVís missive, that drinking would make me feel better, deaden my despair.

But, at the same time, I also realised that drinking, would do no such thing, in fact make matters worse. So why the dissonance?

Yesterday, I noted a Newcomer mentioning the Freedom Model. Last year I posted in the sub-forum below ĎíSecular Exploration of Different Recovery Methodsí - the Freedom Model thread . SoI bumped it, then began re-reading, and reflected that ĎIí had lost sight of the fact that alcohol holds no panacea, doesnít make me happier. There mustíve been a residual conscious belief that alcohol ingestion held a positive for me.

Food for thought indeed, after my relapse.
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Old 08-17-2019, 05:59 AM
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When I say a ‘residual conscious belief’ I mean ‘me’ my true/higher self - not the sub-conscious programming that is the AV. Of course, the AV always believes alcohol is a panacea - but why did ‘I’ acquiesce? There should’ve been no reluctant acceptance that a drink might help.

I need to revisit the Freedom Model.
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Old 08-17-2019, 06:05 AM
  # 192 (permalink)  
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Hey Drops and friends, definitely on for coffee

I need to check out that model Tats.

I also don’t know why I kept giving in and drinking this past year.
I did know it wouldn’t “work” and that I would pay dearly. Still kept doing it.
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Old 08-17-2019, 06:15 AM
  # 193 (permalink)  
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Hi Drops and Hawks, and anyone dropping in soon, the coffee is superb! I have some delicious biscuits, sorry, but no keto here yet, I must replace the alcohol with sugars and carbohydrates! Itís good to have friends and this journey, thank you all 🤗
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Old 08-17-2019, 06:17 AM
  # 194 (permalink)  
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Great job on distancing yourself from *your* AV, and unflinchingly seeing it for what it is. A total Con Job.

Think of your AV as you might a Male. Both have been known to lie to you.
.
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Old 08-17-2019, 06:28 AM
  # 195 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MesaMan View Post
.
Great Think of your AV as you might a Male. Both have been known to lie to you.
.
😂 😂 MesaMan, my friend, thank you! Another friend on SR wrote recently about Mr. AV the Cult Leader (alcohol). I loved that phrase!

Thankfully not all males are like Mr. AV: thereís some truth-sayers still around, such as you!
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Old 08-17-2019, 09:59 AM
  # 196 (permalink)  
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I just feel so sad. I don’t know how to improve my life circumstances. I know I can’t change what happened, that resentments will only eat me up, so I’m fine with that, forgive, whatever.

But the future looks bleak and it’s so hard to sustain a Pollyanna type resolve, that things may get better in time. So I’m pretty at risk to the AVs WTF you might as well drink. I won’t, but how to develop resilience, in the face of adversity, when hope is dwindling? Therein lies the rub.
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Old 08-17-2019, 10:06 AM
  # 197 (permalink)  
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The AV speaks for the beast. It will use every trick in the book (your book) to convince you that drinking is a good idea, or inevitable, or your only option to cope.

It's clever, that AV. Hence the Big Plan. The only response to the AV can be "nope" once that plan is made. I've read about people quitting in any number of ways here, and some form of "never again" seems to be a thread throughout.

Time and time again, I've heard that action is key Tats. What sort of action do you think you might take?

p.s. Day 4 can be really challenging for me; it's it for you too? Has to do, I think, with that tendency to forget how bad it truly was and with feeling well again.
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Old 08-17-2019, 10:40 AM
  # 198 (permalink)  
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Yeah, I really find Days 4-6, after withdrawal but before week one is in the bag, to be very tough and I have lots of doubts.

I don't know any way to build resiliency except by challenging your edge--sort of like yoga. You take the stretch as deep as you can, to discomfort on the edge of pain and just hold it there for awhile.

It isn't fun, and in fact can be extremely uncomfortable while you are doing it. A yoga teacher told me once that going to our edges regularly made more space for us to Be. It allowed expansion--more freedom of movement of body and hence mind.

Maybe try a little yoga. I find it to be an increasingly critical tool in my recovery toolbox. I recently found a groovy podcast that you can also watch as video from a source called yogadownload. Various teachers and topics offering 20 minute sessions

There is lots of free content: https://www.yogadownload.com/

You might try it as a starting point for engaging the hard stuff you are facing.
Some gentle practices, and maybe Yin Yoga in particular would help give you the literal metaphor of edge. It also just feels good to be inside you body and in the moment for a bit.

Plenty of room for tears in Presence--
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Old 08-17-2019, 10:46 AM
  # 199 (permalink)  
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Thank you O,. Action is key, I will.

Thank you Hawks, I’m off to look at your yoga link and recommendation. Strangely enough, I’ve started automatically stretching the last couple of mornings, so I may have a natural inclination?

Prescence, oh yes, therein lies the rub. It’s so hard to remain in the present, instead of ruminating in the past and projecting, fearfully, into the future.

So O and Hawks, into action it is :yoga!
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Old 08-17-2019, 01:01 PM
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The website link has lots of stuff but I actually first accessed the free content by going to podcast app and searching yoga. I found it under "20 minute yoga sessions from YogaDownload"

When I played the first one, I actually mirrored it from my ipad to my TV and soundbar as the sound is much better, but to my surprise, beyond the audio there was actual video content of them doing the postures just like in a real class. Very helpful to "see" the movement from the teacher and their students, although the podcast content has PDFs of yoga positions illustrated with names which would be very useful if you are new to yoga--

Enjoy!
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