HeadLump

So glad to hear you're still kicking and fighting that badass beast!

You are a brilliant example of WTF

MidnightBlue

Thank you, HeadLump...

I am still kicking, still fighting..

But I dont' get it...I've just done with my most massive binge during the last 3 months..

I've been anxious today... Even scared... These real estate issues are almost over, but I am still scared. I feel scared of life. Like... I don't know.. Even though I'm done with this s**t, there's still nothing good in store for me in life. Like no matter hard I am trying there will be always some "higher power" that will always return me to the sh**y ground zero where I stared my life from...

And what I don't get is why I still can't end the binge eating. I mean, AVRT worked for sweets - I am not even craving them now.

I don't eat in front of computer any more - said and done.

But somehow I still end up with this binge eating that makes me sick. Sometimes it seems that this binge eating is the last straw I am holding to that connects me to my past habits, to that person that had no other treats but food. Like I am s**less scared to be the other person.

I know I have to end it. But I still keep hiding behind this binge-eating from my new life. As if stepping in a new life, my authentic life, I am so scared - what if all I picture about myself as authentic will be just fake?

I've been facing the fear and walking through it enough by far, as still I am damn scared every day to face the world.

Well, that's for the moment.

See you later.

HeadLump

Ah, Midnight!

Could it be fear of change? Even good change can be a trigger for me. Now that the real estate issues are virtually behind you, could it be that there's some kind of emptiness? All that struggling and worrying and now it's done, your mind could be thinking 'so what do I fill my time with now?'

Or maybe a reaction to all of it? Remember HALT - are you mentally tired? Or possibly lonely? Could be there's pent up anger there, too. God knows, you've reason enough!

You've done so brilliantly well, MB. I think your AV is clinging on for grim death! Let this be its final hoorah - you're in control of the reins now - and you are one BADASS girl!

And it takes real courage to face the world when you're scared, but you are the WTF Queen!

MidnightBlue

Thank you for your great response, HeadLump)

I think it's almost all you've mentioned - emptiness, fear of change and new life, pent up anger, being mentally absolutely exhausted and wiped out, lonely...

WTF Queen - it's made my evening))

Well, then - WTF!

See you)

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals)

Though it's not "all perfect" about my nutrition, I think I still have a reason to congratulate myself a little bit today: it's been three months since I've been free of sugars.

And it's my Orthodox Christmas today as well)

See you later!

HeadLump

Merry Christmas, Midnight

And many congratulations on 3 months! You're amazing!

MidnightBlue

Thanks, HeadLump)

Well, so much for celebration, time to get myself together.

I am starting my new 3-months challenge - it's possibly going to be the toughest one. It's quite late at my part of the world, so I'll elaborate on this tomorrow.

But first I have to big another Big Plan. And it is going to be a very hard one. Actually when I am typing this, I am telling myself (or this is AV?) "Come on, you can't be serious about that. You are getting obsessed and paranoic. You can't do that. Everyone does that. It's absolutely normal. You just crazy, girl".

Well, I know... Right now I don't even believe myself... But, look, every next Big Plan is going to be harder, otherwise - what's the point?

Anyway... Now when I don't eat in front of laptop any longer, guess where my binge eating and overating resides? Right, in front of TV.

So.. Darn, I am scared... But still I am not eating in front of TV alone any longer. .

Challenging, isn't it?

See you tomorrow)

GerandTwine

Hi MB,

I've made three Big Plans and they've gotten progressively easier. To me, it's like riding a bicycle. The (alcohol/drugs + nicotine) one was the first. Then Caffeine: a lot easier. Then sugar: the easiest. For me, AVRT is just a technique with basic rules that ends a bad habit. I liked learning about Paleo/Primal eating after seeing Received mention it in a recent post in another AVRT/food thread. I'm getting close to actually doing it, but I'm not sure about making it a Big Plan, yet, ie. "I will never eat anything not Paleo/Primal"

We'll see.

GT

GerandTwine

Oops. I just realized it was in an AVRT/nicotine thread that Received mentioned Paleo/Primal eating.

MB, In re T.A.P.S. for the AVRT Feast Beast, while you've used the S. for sugar, it's clear you are considering utilizing the A. and P. Big Plans for those require either measuring food or going to or away from particular settings in order to eat or not eat. I commend you for that. Something in me feels that is too irritating for myself.

For me, the S. is the key to beating my Feast Beast. I think it's easier to just never again eat certain stuff. And I've found when I eat the right stuff, my three h's (health, hunger, and heaviness) are just right.

GT

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

Fist day off eating-in-front TV today. I've never realized what a strong habit it is - almost automatic. I almost forcefully stop myself repeating that I am not doing this any more.

GT - Thank you for your insight. I also noticed that every next BP is getting easier - I was surprised how easy it was for me to stop eating in front of my laptop. What I meant by "harder" is that I am getting to more deep-rooted habits that are quite hard to die. They are powerful enough to blow a bomb of fear in my mind when I am ready to make my Bip Plan. They are shouting outloud "What on the Earth, are you going to do when you kick out this habit? You've been doing this for so long, you have nothing to substitute it with. You are depriving yourself of the only comfort which is available to your right now. Etc., etc.". At least it was quite hard to make a first step here with this TV thing. It requires from me to be ultimately focused on now, because when AV gets so much as nanosecond of my "idle mind" it grasps it immediately and threatens with "what ifs...". - "What - do you mean no your fav cheese and grapes, and hot bread when you are watching boxing? Come on , you will feel miserable....".

It's not even so hard to stay away from food when watching boxing. It's hard to fight thoughts that I would enjoy it more with some fav food to go with it.

As for beating my Feast Beast - I also thought that once I banned sugar out of my nutrition, it would be so much easier. Well, it's surely easier, but turns out, again there are more layers to be stripped off till I get to the core of the issue.

As I've already mentioned, I can't ban all the food, and even if nothing left, I can easily binge on chicken breasts. This problems runs so deep for me, taking origin in childhood and developing through my whole life, that in some weird manner it is interconnected with almost all the areas of my life.

It migrates, and runs, and hides. And I am eliminating its shelters one by one.

But sill don't quite understand why AVRT doesnt' work for binge eating while it proved efficient for sugars, salty snacks, no eating in front of laptop.

Ok, no back to my new challenge.

I am planning to stick to very strict nutrition next three months. Almost like a pro athlete.

Just before the New Year eve I was talking to one of the trainers in my gym. We are pals with this girl and she once told me that when she saw me first she was impressed by my workout and thought I am a new trainer) Anyway, she told me that she is going for competing at Fitness Bikini this spring. I answered "Cool. Go girl". She looked at me and said "Why don't you go with me. It will be fun".

My first reaction was "You are kidding here. You are what, about 24-25. And I am 36, and by the time of competing will probably hit my 37, for crying outloud". Then I thought "Why not? It would be badass enough. Maybe, it would be that kind of wild challenge I lack in my life".

I met the trainer a couple of days ago in the gym, right after my big binge. She told me "I've already started my pre-competing nutrition routine. You?". I thought "My, she is serious about that".

Honestly, I don't know, will I have the guts to apply for competing, or if I even be allowed there, but I think I should just try.

So, it's my first challenge for the next three months - to survive on a pro nutrition and workout schedule. Along with dealing with other issues - you know, life doesn't care much about me competing. But it's ok, it's life.

Please, send some good vibes my way - honestly, I am quite scared.

See you all)

GerandTwine

Stripping off layers to get to the core of the issue doesn't have anything to do with using AVRT to stop eating after a certain amount has already been swallowed. You don't have to "beat" your Feast Beast. Simply know your plan and Recognize and IGNORE the Feast Beast.

When you're eating and you reach the limit of your plan, it is your Feast Beast that says "Keep on swallowing since you don't understand the core of the issue. We'll work on all the layers you need to strip off so you can figure it out later. MMMmmm, love that chicken. Stuffing yourself is ok for now."

If you want to do a shifting exercise, you can cook more than your plan's limit and stick the extra piece of meat on the end of a fork and look at it and smell it and recognize how YOU feel about eating it and how IT feels about eating it. Then wrap it in foil and put it in the fridge for later.

You see, the shifting exercise is using AVRT to show IT how YOUR Big Plan is the perfect solution to end bingeing.

If you believe you are powerless to stop eating any more chicken breasts when you've reached the limit of an experimental anti-bingeing Plan, then you've simply decided to set AVRT aside for a while and possibly consider using it later. When you make a real Big Plan about it, though, you will be deciding that you will never again set AVRT aside as you reach the limit of an eating period.

100% Feast Beast.

MidnightBlue

GT - thanks a lot for your response.

You are right - I seem to put AVRT away and start overthinking, overanalyzing, and again discussing it with the Beast forgetting the basic principles of AVRT.

Today I've been just keeping its all in my head and never engaged myself in discussion with the AV. I felt a lot of anxiety again, but didn't give in. I just faced all this without eating even one tiny extra bit of anything other than was enough for me.

Thank you.

See you all later.

HeadLump

How you doing now, Midnight? From your last post, it sounds like you've got that beast right where you want him! Yay, you!

I've just passed six weeks without purging! That is the longest I've been in 4 years and the first time ever without resorting to alcohol, so I am really pleased. Have had no chocolate at all, but granary bread is proving a challenge at times - I feel a new Badass Plan coming on. . . .

Oh, and I'm spending hours and hours doing sudoku but I know I'm not ready to confront the beast about that yet!

Hope everyone else is doing well

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

HeadLump, I am so happy for you, my friend. 6 weeks - you are doin great. Really great. I am so glad you joined our badass thread)

Me…Things are so weird with me…I feel like I am getting back to my old patterns.. Just one day I stopped fighting… Fighting hard… Overcoming myself to the extreme extent…And immediately force of resistance or whatever threw me back…

I screwed up… On 3 my Big Plans! Even on Big Plans which worked well for me. First, I binged… Then I binged in front of TV… Then I binged in front of the laptop… Sprially slippery slope…

I understand all this about AVRT… I do…I understand and still listen to it, debating and give in..

I've been screwing up for three days in a row. I am going to make today my new day. I'll take boxing class and close the door to the past again.

It's just - I am so tired.. Overwhelmed, anxious, still too much worries, too much overcoming… And I am just human…

I realize that bingeing has nothing to do with it but…
When I feel so scared again I give in… All the AVRT logic seems to abandon me and I reach for the only immediate "rescue" that I've been turning to for so long - to delicious food…
Again… I am constantly beating myself up… No matter how fast I am moving forward - it seems never to be fast enough..
I am punishing myself for past mistakes… Now I am punishing myself for not solving my real estate issues earlier. REALLY?

At some moment I feel so lost, so in vacuum and zero gravity that I turn to the old moulds that were shaping my reality .

And it is so insulting that I've screwd up being close to success again. I never realized that fear of change may be so strong, so terryfing. I am sabotaging myself like never before… Well, Ok, like never before in my recent few years.

What am I doing wrong again? Still don’t get it..

Well, at least I stick to my "No sugar" plan…And today I hit 100 days sugar-free.

See you, pals)

HeadLump

First of all, congratulations on 100 days without sugar, that, as well as the little matter of reaching 15 months sobriety, is a monumental achievement!! Never, ever underestimate that, Midnight. You are a true success story

But you are very much 'just human' and it's this very humanity which makes you the role model that you are (and makes you not be able to see it!!). Please don't beat yourself for that! Breathe in the 'Now' - you know inside that right now, everything is as it should be. There is no 'it should go faster' or 'I should have done it quicker'. It is what it is now and it is good

You know that you can walk through fear - you're the WTF Queen after all! It's not a vacuum, it's a possibility of something new. And, yes, change is scary, but you are more than equal to it. Look at all the changes you've already made! This is just a new chapter with all the promise of all the words and all the insights it might contain.

Whatever is happening at the moment, you're not going backwards. That mould is well and truly broken. You are already a new person, one who can beat the AV by showing that same compassion to herself that she has shown to me and many others here

It's never a straight path, Midnight, but you're walking it in the very best way you can

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals)

I am back... After a week of bingeing... Now trying to straighten it all up again...

I can't explain what's going on. At some moment I started feeling like I got into my old mindset, into my old thinking. Feeling so helpless, as if I can't change anything in my life...

But I am back...

“You're never a loser until you quit trying.”

I am starting over.

And, though bingeing - still no sweets at least...

See you all later.

HeadLump

I'm sorry about the bingeing, Midnight, but it's great to hear that you're back and fighting again!

I'd been doing brilliantly, nearly 8 weeks without purging, but then I had a slip. Am straight back on it now, though, and, like you, I refuse to be beaten! I've stayed away from chocolates and sweet things, it was granary bread I couldn't control this time. I've not had any now for 2 days and actually feel much more energised. And I've given up sudoku too! It's almost a week since I deleted my apps and my headaches are much improved

How is everyone else doing?

MidnightBlue

Hi, HeadLump)

Sorry about your slip. But... it's the way it goes - we fall and get up, fall and get up...

As for me... My slip is more like downhill skiing this time...I just can't stop...No, I can actually, and I will... RIGHT NOW.

I am good with not eating sweets though, but I am with you here on bread obsession now... It's a tricky issue about this wholegrain bread.. It will be too much to put a ban on it completely, but I constantly fail at moderation...

I've re-read the posts by GT and it all makes sense, and I understand all this, but somehow I fail...

I binged again today...The worst thing I am losing hold of my faith... I don't believe I will ever achieve my goals... I know that it has nothing to do with bingeing... I know that whether I will hit my goals, or not there is not logical connection between my goals and overating...

But it's wired in my brain, in my thinking patterns. I know that it's super-short-term gratification, but still it gives me some little spark of pleasure, of feeling good, something I lack so desperately in my life. I need this little "shots" to keep me going... That's what I am looking forward to at the end of the day, and in the morning when I wake up and want my cup of coffee...

Anyway...

I am back to my Big Plans:

- No bingeing;
- No eating in front of laptop;
- No eating in front of TV.

I can hear AV laughing in my face and the Beast smirking: "Yeah, right. Sure. Been there, done that. Tomorrow you will wake up. Feeling disheartened about everything, in need of your regular "shot of good mood". You will tell yourself - WTF, I want it."

I don't feel anything right now. And I don't believe in myself. I know I don't need to see the whole staircase to make the first step, but it's weird - I can't see the first step, instead I see the whole staircase which is up in the sky and I can't see the end of it. What is end? Death? Climbing all the way up to death? What's the point then?

Maybe, there will be some bypass though with some beautiful road worth traveling..

We'll see...

My best wishes to all.

See you)

MidnightBlue

Ok, that will do...

It stops now...

I am sick of bingeing, of fooling myself that "I am doing ok - after all I don't eat sweets...". I am sick of myself now because AV is winning and laughing at me rubbing its hands...

It stops now, it really stops now, January 27, 2014, 11.09 P.M.

I know, I know, I know all the arguments the AV and the Beast start throwing at me right now: "Oh, what's the point for you being free from bingeing, being fit and slim, if you are anyway in big financial debt and it will be probably years till you settle all your finances and afford yourself something really nice... Come on girl, just eat what's in you "life plate"...

First, jerks, I don't listen to you, I don't talk to you... I an not on speaking-listening terms with you. You can go find some other vacant ears - I can provide you with a couple of candidates who would love your pity-pot talk... But f***k off me!

I am strong and brave. I don't need this. Not any more.

Maybe I will be still in financial mess, with a big pile of issues to resolve. But I will be better fit, slim, and on healthy relations with my food.

I know, I know. You will scare me, bully, cajole, gather all your army of pathetic allies and use "low-blows" all the way like appealing to my childhood memories and jerking me with something like "you don't deserve good life, you don't deserve love, you don't deserve anything but suffer and constant punishment in every possible way".

I know you will get more and more furious and of no principles when I am getting closer to achieving my goals. You will push all my triggers and buttons to turn on self-sabotaging and self-destruction...

But this time I will be vigilant. Every step, every minute and second of my way. Because again it's about my life. I have only so much days in my life - days which are stolen away by the Beast, AV and my self-doubt, by BS I am listening to and believe...

I know we are not counting here on secular section... Anyway, at the beginning of the journey it's always easier for me to count...

So, tomorrow will be Day I for me for not beingeing...

I am pulling together my troops again - get ready for anti-AV deployment, dudes:

- Meditation - yep, I stopped doing this. Big mistake, actually...Meditation helped me a lot in the toughest moments on my way, but then I got lazy again to do this, and lost this inner balance. I am re-starting this tonight;

- Planning food. You won't believe why I stopped planning my nutrition again. Ok, I will write it down just to see on "paper" how idiotic this AV reasoning looks like. Ready? Though no one is really watching me right now, I've been worrying that other people would think I am kind of "crazy and weird" planning my meals almost week ahead. I mean people would say something like: "You are not a professional athlete, you are not earning money my training like hell and watching your nutrition. So, what's the point?". WTF????? I hate this. I know where it comes from, but I don't care. Even though if I care I don't care! Because if I keep not caring about this, at some point I will not really care about that. Matter of habit. And you know what, a lot of people just have no willpower enough to do that, so it's easier to ridicule me about that;

- My sleeping habits. I am suffering from anxiety again, so I am up till late to avoid those disturbing thoughts. I will go to bed just 1 minute earlier every night. I can do that. It's just a minute.

And to wrap it all up for today... I've been listening to the audiobook "One small step can change your life". It's about how important it is to make small changes every day. Among other useful ideas there I've come across one that resonated with me. That being a kid, when we are afraid we rush to our parents, and when we don't find love and understanding at that time, we then feel insecure, and later on start looking for this "love and consolation" in different sorts of addictions...

Sounds a lot like true for me...

Anyway... I am done with it... Yes, I am still sometimes, even often, feel insecure and vulnerable. And I do need love, a lot of love to heal my soul and revive my feelings. But what is also true that I am strong now. And I am able to give this love to myself. Love comes in a lot of forms, not only in surrogate of junk food being presented as fake "love and reward" for being a good girl, for being.. whatever.

I also know that tomorrow I will feel low because of today's overeating. I will feel sluggish, slow, lazy, sleepy...Like an overall loser....It's ok. It's not a verdict, it's just a mere result of stuffing myself with ridiculous amount of food - no play of malignant high power forces here. Just a play of some stupid voices in my head. Just phantom play of hard dying shadows of past...

I also know that tomorrow I will be "blimped" and will hardly fit in my jeans, and my cheeks will be sticking out shoulders, and my belly will be hanging over my sports leggings. And I will feel like sh**t. And when I will be doing abs exercising at the boxing class and I will feel all this belly fat I will be thinking "Oh, hell, why in on the Earth do I keep doing this?".

And when after I will go for swimming I will wrap a towel all over my body covering all my binges located on my hips and my behind. And I will be cursing myself for doing this again and again...

I will be thinking about my future...I will be worrying about it... Most of the time I will not be able to focus on today and stay in the moment...yet...But still I won't binge... I won't overeat... I won't "cure" my uneasy and uncomfortable feelings packing away a pack of dates. I won't "eat away" my fear with a loaf of wholegrain bread. I will not look into my fridge like in a "crystal ball" searching for a magic piece of food to solve my life issues.

I am not doing this any more.

And I will not look for "approval", for permission to live the life I want to live, doesn't matter how weird it may look and sound. I am a human being. I have the same set of "assets" as every person on this planet, so I can set my own records, and do my own impossible.

Oh, it's already a new day at my place. So, it's my Day 1.

See you, pals)

LifeRecovery

Midnight-

My heart aches for you in this post.

It feels like you have worked yourself in the middle between a rock and a hard place.

I read this and read into it that you feel like you are not in a bad situation, you are a bad person because of the situation you are in.

For me it was most clear in the spot on meditation.....

For me the purpose of meditation is to go inward and to be curious with whatever is there....the good stuff, and the bad stuff. Whipping myself because I have not done it for me is the opposite of the purpose of mediation.

I know you are in a tough spot, but I don't think that is because of you, your faults or your shame.

Sending loving thoughts to you.

Also I am curious about something. I think you quit drinking using one type of recovery, and sweets with another.....could the bingeing behavior need another type of recovery for you? I ask only because at times "failing" at AVRT seems to be part of what you heap on yourself.....where I in your posts see all the hard work you have done, and how far you have come as only steps toward success.