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AVRT to end emotional binge eating Part 2

Old 11-15-2013, 05:22 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Hi, pals.

Just popped in to say hi. have a lot on my plate now, but I will answer once have a liitle bit of time)

I am ok, sugar free, not bingeing, and more confident. I have new experience now - that after a slip I come out stronger and wiser, and doing better. And that's progress, and that's progress what matters.

See you later!

Have a great Friday all!

P.S. Should I send a search party to Dorset, my friend?)
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Old 11-16-2013, 08:00 AM
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Hi all

Thanks for the shout-out, MB! I am still here, still solidly sober, but not doing well at all on the food front. I've felt too embarrassed and unworthy to post here, but I'm very proud of how well you and Jeni are doing. You give me hope that I can get there and I'm not giving up!

Here's to beating that beast
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Old 11-16-2013, 08:43 AM
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HeadLump...embarrassed and unworthy??? Please!! Your AV is just gotta be rubbing his hands in glee at those words....

You have been reading along with this thread haven't you?! Me and MB...well we've had our fair share of struggles with this! My beast is having a field day with me at the mo...delighting in finding every sugary snack in the world that isn't covered by my Big Plan, and seducing me with them all.

You need to get your arse back to this thread and stay with us. Ok? Don't make me drive over to Dorset to get you now...

Xxx
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Old 11-16-2013, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
HeadLump...embarrassed and unworthy??? Please!! Your AV is just gotta be rubbing his hands in glee at those words....

You have been reading along with this thread haven't you?! Me and MB...well we've had our fair share of struggles with this! My beast is having a field day with me at the mo...delighting in finding every sugary snack in the world that isn't covered by my Big Plan, and seducing me with them all.

You need to get your arse back to this thread and stay with us. Ok? Don't make me drive over to Dorset to get you now...

Xxx
Oh, thank you, Jeni! That's what I needed to hear. I will make sure my arse stays firmly on this thread. . .

As for coming to Dorset, well, it's a lovely county, but a tad chilly at the moment!

Hope you're having a super weekend
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Old 11-16-2013, 10:12 AM
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Hi, Headlump!

Here you are!

Glad you are back!

I absolutely second what Jeni said - it is your AV is telling you all this.

You witnessed my multiple slips here, and a lot of times it was epic slips, when I landed on my behind and AV was just laughing and mocking me.

But I just kept getting up, and I encourage you to do so)

Keep getting up - keep going!

And NEVER EVER feel embarrassed to post on this thread - this word doesn't exist in our badass vocabulary.

Jeni - hi to you. I am doing much better with hooks now - need some help to knock out AV?)

My best wishes to all.

See you later)
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Old 11-16-2013, 10:16 AM
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Thank you, both. You are so inspirational
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Old 11-17-2013, 04:19 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Hi, pals, I have some time to respond to previous posts. Sorry, this one is a little bit mussy - pressed for time right now to straighten up my logic)


GT and LifeRecovery - I agree with what you both say.

Banning sugar and salty stack was one thing for me. Because these substances also have "addictive nature" - the brain gets hooked on them and wants more.

Surely I loved to binge on cookies and cakes to get my feeling of escape and instant gratification. The origin of my bingeing was in seekieng relief from anxiety and depression, and pain, and other emotional issues. But when I started to "cure" it eating sugars, then also some chemistry chimed in, and then both my mind and body were dependant.

So, when I decided to kick out sugars and later, salty snacks, I helped myself with some sort of addiction also.

But, as I have already said, I can binge on nuts, dates and other dried fruits, cheese, apples, etc. Anything that is good enough to chew.

And here I go to behavioural patterns and underlying phsychological roots that force me to binge.

Liferecovery - I think that choice of "bingeing places" is not accidental for me. It's the places where I also find escape from disturbing thoughts and "emotional loneliness". Escape from amxiety, as if I "hook to this "life rings" and as far as I holding to them, I keep anxiety and nasty thoughts at bay. So, there's no surprise I eat a lot there.

And that's why it's kind of scary to ban completely eating there.

I can have even my healthy breakfast of oats with berries in front of laptop while reading SR in the morning, and coffee, and the moment of bliss and joy for me. And I fell like I am in my emotional comfort and secure zone. But I have to face the day and reality, and life issues, and uncertainly, etc. And I don't want to leave this zone. So I tell myself: "Ok, just another cup of coffee and a couple of dates, and a little bit more time on SR". And then more and more... But my anxiety increases, since I realize I am running from facing the reality.

And the same with TV - I never watch TV as it is, just download moovies and shows I am interested in. Now I have another fav - boxing fights. Yeah, it's a great way o fprocrastination to build this wall between my comfort zone and reality. There's nothing wrong about relaxing at the end of the day watching a good show/boxing, but it's hard to "moderate" for me here as well - "oh, just another episode/round/fight, and another cup of dates/raisins/cheese to go with it.

Here a question arises - why do I need food at all while watching shows? Ok, I may "binge" on moovies/fights without food to go with it, may I not? But here's a very interesting trick - while I am eating, I "feel" (or rather follow stupid long-time-ago ingrained pattern) that I am "doing something useful/meaningful?. I mentioned before that back in my childhood the dinner table was something like "ceasefire zone" - where Mom, thought following her fav passive agressive behaviour and keeping "meaningful silence", was at least silent and not attacking me with hysterics, etc, etc. And often, anticipating other "storm" I just made everything possible to make my meal last longer.

And now, I can't find "justification" for, say, watching boxing per se - it is too useless for a grown up woman. AT least I have to "water down" this "usefullness" with eating. crazy logic , but I suspect something like this goes on in my head. Food gives me idiotic meaning - that I am not "wasting my time" . How's about that?

There's also another trick - when I feel good, say, reading SR, I need something to "add up and make the most of the pleasant moment". So, dates and cheese, adn coffee would be just fine.

I don't know exactly how to address this yet. Because, again, if I say " I will never eat in fron of TV"... I don't know... I hope there will be one day, when I will be able to watch boxing, and have just "moderate" amount of dates. Why not.

So, that's my thoughts for the moment.

Have to head for the session with the therapist. Wish me luck - we are starting working through "those episodes today". Mighty forces of the Universe, please, give me strength to bring my mind home still in one piece after that!


See you pals.

And, one more note.

Sometime even great fighters and champions get knocked down in the first round. They are on the floor, face is bloody mess. And guess what? They get up, wipe away blood, and keep fighting. And never get embarassed by being knocked down because it's part of life and fighting. And then they regain themselves and win the rest of the fight, never letting the earlier slips bring them down and deprive of winning spirit. And they are also humans - two legs, two arms. So, we can do it as well, right!

See you, my badass pals)
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Old 11-18-2013, 02:40 AM
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue View Post
Sometime even great fighters and champions get knocked down in the first round. They are on the floor, face is bloody mess. And guess what? They get up, wipe away blood, and keep fighting. And never get embarassed by being knocked down because it's part of life and fighting. And then they regain themselves and win the rest of the fight, never letting the earlier slips bring them down and deprive of winning spirit. And they are also humans - two legs, two arms. So, we can do it as well, right!
Thank you for your post, MB. Lots to think about there!

I hope your session with the therapist went well and you are back in balance again. I was sending you mighty cyber hugs - I hope you felt them

I loved your comment about fighters and champions - bloody but unbowed. That helps me today
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Old 11-18-2013, 10:25 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Hi, pals.

I had a very low day yesterday - I checked the real estate market and found out that after splitting the real estate , even if everything goes ok, I will still have money that would be just enough to buy some kind of... maybe not completely dump, but small apartment in not the best location. I was so upset.

Why can't I pull my life together? Why I am so "unpractical" and found myself in the situation like this? Ok, that's for the rant, it's not the point of the post.

The point is that I didn't "eat it over". I felt the urge to go and buy some dates - it wouldn't be that awful, and I had two very intensive workouts yesterday. But I wanted to cope with all this anxiety and lowest mood on my own. And I did. I cried. I meditated. I posted on SR. But stayed sticked to exactly planned amount of meal. I think, AV is in deep knockout.

I think I should remember what I wrote myself in the previous post about fighters. Yes, it was kind of knock down to know that I can only afford the place at the lowest price range. But I am smart, and tough, and I can gather myself up and make the most of what I have. Regardless of what AV keeps telling me - that I am so "soft touch", that I am a failure, that I can't keep negotiations and stand my ground, and that I always run when there's emotional conflict and tough situation. That my head in in the clouds and I am not "down to the Earth" enough.

Screw you. I will win anyway. I am a badass.

My best wishes to you, pals.

See you later)
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Old 11-21-2013, 10:32 AM
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Hi, pals.

Quick check in from me.

I've been suffering from huge anxiety and very low mood recently. But - no sweets,no binges, not even "borderline binges" (when I eat more and not sure if it qualifies as a binge or not), I even managed to stick to my range of 1500-1600 cal.

Still eating in front of my laptop, but that's another question - one fight at a time)

Still doing therapy, along with it in the midst of real estate issues, trying to keep my sanity...

How's everyone doing?

See you later)
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Old 11-23-2013, 10:16 AM
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Hello everyone I hope you're all doing well.

I'm so sorry you're feeling low, MB, and that your real estate position is not a happy one, I do hope that you manage to find a way through it. I'm sure you will as you seem to be full of determination and pure badass to me! I love the thought of your AV being in deep knockout!

1500 to 1600 calories doesn't sound very much, not on the days when you're boxing. I find that food cravings increase when I consistently go under 1800. But good for you for staying binge-free. That's amazing - and is testament to your excellent strength of character

Things are not going too well on the food front for me, though I am 300 alcohol-free days today! I'm looking more into mindfulness at the moment to try to tackle the bulimia. On a more positive front, I have confessed to my husband that I have an addiction to chocolate/carbohydrates. It is the closest I have ever come to telling him about bulimia. He thinks it's only started since I gave up drinking, but in reality it's been a problem for years. If I cannot crack it soon, I will seek therapy.

H knows I have difficulty with addiction - my addiction to sudoku has resurfaced of late. On the face of it, it's pretty harmless, but it does mean I stay up very late and get frequent headeaches! He's trying to encourage me to become addicted to gardening but it's just too cold!
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Old 11-23-2013, 10:19 AM
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Hi, pals, where are you all?

I am here. No sweets, no binges. Had some "cheating" day today - indulged in cheese. Just indulged - no binge.

It's tough time now. There was a glimpse of hope at some moment that my real estate issues with resolve without "shedding much of blood", but nope. My brother wouldn't be himself if it would be the case.

I am on the verge of nasty war for my share. But I am not going to hide behind food - no way.

And therapy is still in the process of "reopening the wounds". It's tough, but it's surprising how strong we can be once we are pushing away BS of the Beast and walk through the fear.

I just need all your support, pals)

My major concern is with my thoughts chasing around all this I haven't been writing for a few days. Writing is my passion, and all this is robbing me of my passion, one of the best joys of my life. And I am freaking out about this and start my ole beating myself up "If you was are real writer, even invasion of aliens wouldn't stop you from doing what you love". You get the idea.

I wonder, can I use AVRT for keeping me at least in the chair and fingers on the keyboard. Like "it's behind and my fingers - so I won't let them escape being where they should be until I'm done with writing for today?". It may be won't help with thoughts, but my experience proves once I sit at writing I eventually shift my thoughts to it as well.

Hugs to you, pals. Miss you.

Have a great weekend.
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Old 11-23-2013, 10:28 AM
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Hi, HeadLump!

We must be posting at the same time)

I agree - 1500 -1600 is somewhat low considering my workouts schedule. I've just been so proud of myself that I can do this. I think I would go up 1700-1800 on days of training.

Congrats on 300 days of sobriety! That's awesome!

And that's a huge step ahead that you have talked with your husband about this. You will beat this sweets addiction - you take my word. It may take some time and different paths to try, but you will do it . Just never give up!

And I hear you about being "addictive personality" - I am now addicted on watching boxing. And, my, there are so many interesting fights to watch that I stay up till late, then wake up all grumpy, and promise "ok, tonight I will go up early". Then "JUST ONE fight" (this just one is everywhere). And here we go...

Keep posting, my friend - you make progress every day when you are not giving up and making another step closer to authentic yourself. And results will follow. Absolutely.

Hugs)
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Old 11-23-2013, 10:50 AM
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Thank you for your post, MB. I am so proud that you're my friend and I'm happy to provide double the support you need!

I understand about the writing, but you are still doing it! Writing on here is writing, and your posts are always thoughtful and beautifully expressed. You ARE a real writer - and a badass one, too - so you just tell that ole voice to shut up!
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Old 11-23-2013, 11:21 AM
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Hello my friends. So sorry for my absence.

HeadLump..I think that was great to talk to hubby about your eating disorder. Any addiction thrives on secrecy and lies and once a light is shone on it, it has nowhere to hide. Honesty takes courage xxx

MB...I'm sorry that this real estate problem is taking a while to clear up. But do you realise just how strong you sound? I don't think you are even aware of it. You are standing up straight and facing this difficult situation head on. No bingeing, no breaking of your Big Plan. You are amazing. Try not to be overwhelmed with this thing with your brother. When it is concluded, you need never be dependent on him for anything again.

I'm proud of you both, I really am xxx

I'm doing well. Not so much with the eating, which is why I haven't been posting here...but in general I'm just in a good place now. I've let go of a lot of stuff, I've learned how to accept what's mine and what isn't. I've come to terms with so much from my past and I'm now able to enjoy the present. I've learned to slow down in my constant quest for the next battle to fight. Yeah, I don't eat brilliantly, but I've stopped worrying so much about it. Is that AV? Not sure.
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Old 11-23-2013, 11:34 AM
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Hi, Jeni. So glad to see you!

Thank you for your words of support)

I think it's very important you found this point of inner balance, and stopped worrying. I know, I've started employing a lot of boxing vocabulary now) But essential thing for a good fighter is to keep balance - good balance give you freedom to move at your own pace, plan your actions and perform greatly. Inner peace is that balance which originates other progress and improvement in the areas we want to make better. So, I think when the time is right, you'll start eating "brilliantly"whatever it means)

And, please, keep posting anyway - even if just a couple of lines, and not about food...

Food was just the tip of the big iceberg for this thread which developed into a long self-discovering journey for us.

And, after all - there's always food for thought, right?

Hugs to you)

Enjoy your weekend.
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:50 PM
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How are you doing MB? Thinking of you x
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Old 11-25-2013, 10:15 PM
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Hi, Jeni)

Thank you for asking.

I am ... ok. But anxious.

Going to have face-to-face negotiations with my brother today, and take care of some legal issues.

Having coffee now, watching wet snow falling from the sky, and can't drag myself out of the chair to start my day...

On the top of all my cell phone died and I can hardly afford a new one now...

I know, I am a badass...Just tired

Have a good day, my pal.

My best wishes to all.
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Old 11-26-2013, 08:52 AM
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I hope it went well my friend. I've been thinking of you x
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Old 11-26-2013, 11:48 AM
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I've been thinking of you, too, MB, and hoping you're ok
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