HeadLump

Two months completely free of sugar would be amazing all on its own, MB, but add your circumstances into the mix and I hope you'll see what a fantastic achievement that is! So proud of you, my badass one

It's been just over a week since I made my pledge with my sister and I'm doing fine. Something she said really hit home and I've repeated it to myself every time I thought I might weaken and it's really helped

Hope you're ok, Jeni. I loved your supportive post to Midnight. Very proud of you too

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

Thank you, HeadLump for congrats and kind words. But I havent' been much of a badass today...

Despite of all your great support and advice I overate.. Not a binge, but big overate..

I just feel like my will power battery has died..

I have some work to do on this weekend, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I procrastinated putting more and more stress on me.. I can't focus on it because I am totally wiped out mentally. It was like the last straw for me these days.

Jeni, my friend, answering your questions..

What kind of people I am hanging with?

Unfortunately or fortunately, I don't know, I can't avoid interacting wtih people in my daily life, including these real estate issues.

First, my ex.

A little bit of background. Even if the real estate splitting is ok, my share is still hardly enough to buy ANY apartment, so my ex is giving some extra money to buy something proper. And, should be grateful to him..

But interacting with him is still hard. First, I have to get his approval for the flat I am considering to buy. If he believes the price is reasonable, he will give me money. Fair enough. But I am sick and tired of him reminding me how "unpractical" I am, that I am so soft touch and easy to be fooled. That I am not tough enough and unexperienced in bargaining. And so on, and so far.

And every time after talking with him I feel like... idiot or whatever.. Yes, I am terrible at barganing, guilty as charge. Cutting profitable deals is not my cup of tea for sure. And I feel awkward when asking for a price decrease. And it is easier for me to pay higher price than endure tough negotiations. But I am fed up with him telling me this.

And real estate prices incresed during the last year. And he surely thinks he knows everything, but methinks, he has a little bit outdated info about apartment prices now, and still he keeps telling me "it can't cost that much". And I can't say anything to him but swallow my wish to say "f** you" and agree.

Then, for the flat I really liked - that place that doesnt' need any refurbishment, and I am not really eager to spend another half a year with all these renovations, where I can just finally LIVE - it's price is higher higher. Much higher. And I am ready to get a loan if the bank approves it.

But first I have to get my ex's approval. I've procarstinated for two days to call him, because ... I am not eager to hear again the same crap...

Today I finelly did... Yes, I am "insane, it can't cost that much". Ok, that's only that much I can do here...And every time I have awful feeling that I only pretend to be independent, fooling myself, but in reality I have to almost humiliate myself asking my ex for money.

Then I experienced some 'moments" in the Bank while applying for the loan. I know, it's their job to be sure that I will be able to pay out... But they have asked me like a thousand of questions...

Then, my real estate agent, who is a nice lady, suddnely felt like giving me advices about getting married and having kids, and so on. Yeah, that's really what I need right now - that it's hard to find a good man. And when I answered that I am not obsessed with marriage she looked at me as if she didn't believe me. Oh, please!

And, what is more, no one knows what a terrible "issue" stands behind this real estate splitting. Nobody knows what it takes to met my brother. What it takes me to "make a deal" with him and keep my emotions shut while communicating.

And this weekend my head is torn apart between all this, and this work...I just wanted... the mere thought that there's another tough week ahead, and I even can't relax properly.. It was too much...

My emotions are all over the place. One moment I manage to put myself together, next moment I am crying and look into the future in despair, because these chain of problems seems to be endless..

I am scared that even after splitting property I don't know how long it will take to sort out other issues with my brother. And what is more - he will never pay for what he had done to me.

Every time I hear the word "fair" - about splitting some expenses for paperwork or whatever - every cell of me resists to it - I want him to suffer all the way and there can be no "fair" with him.

Every day I am drained out and tomorrow still holds no promise that it will be easier. I know it will be eaiser some day. But, you know, when your phone's battery is dead, it's just dead - and won't wait for some day.

I don't live, and I can't wait any longer for "some day" to start living. I know, I know - it's all about attitude. But it's darn hard to discuss deal with my abuser, and enjoy life at the same time.

Well, that's my rant.

It's about 9 p.m. here, and I have to submit work tomorrow. And I still have a lot to do. And I have no idea where to get power to do it.


See you, pals.

Jeni26

Wow MB there's a lot of stuff in that post that I'd like to respond to, but as usual it's 6.30 am and I'm on my way out to work.

Just a very short response and I hope you can forgive me...but you are doing a lot of living with one foot in the past and projecting into the future. That can be a really hard way to live (take it from the expert here!). How about taking time to be in the moment. Are you meditating?

I will send you a pm, perhaps we can keep in touch away from SR a bit. My life is just really full and busy now...I check in here every day still but am always on the run it seems.

I'm fine HeadLump. Doing great. Happy, sober, non smoking and....eating well! Ha! Xxx

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni.

Thank you for your post and pm)

I am meditating but somehow fail to live in the moment. The truth is that my present is a mess and I can't fake it any more, I can't pretend any more that it is not a mess. I've been living long enough being afraid that tomorrow I will have no place to live in. I've been living long enough pretending my life is ok, and I can't do it any more.

I am suffering from panic again, and severely depressed. I can't put myself together and hate all this.

And I hate whining and whimpering and self-piting.

And...

And I overate again today - like my old habits are gradually coming back dragging me to the abyss from where I've climbed up.

And I don't know what to do. I don't see light at the end, and the tunnel is getting narrower, and I am suffocating.

And this damn winter again, it's freezing and I seem to get a cold again.

Hate all this. Hate the life. Hate people telling me what's wrong with me.

I just want to run... far away..

LifeRecovery

MNB-

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

I think that you are already more than half way there on whatever you decided to work on. You put it out there, you are real and practical about that it is where you are at. I have lived this life long enough to realize many people never get to the point where you are starting from.

Being real is so hard, especially when we are in a hard place....

That is not about somthing intrinsic in you, that stuff is all external. It is not that you don't have to deal with it and wade through it, but I think I get into trouble when I start to believe that the hard stuff outside is a reflection of my insides.

I see none of your struggle about what you write as failures. I see your journey as so much growth forward that you have hit a challenging spot. A spot that your coping mechanisms were designed for. This is not a step backward it is a chance to see what you are made of.

There are studies about when people in research groups try to change behvaiors that during the study period if they DON'T hit a time of challenge like you are experiencing, they do worse in the long run....they guess it is because they don't learn the coping skills of what to do when things get rough.

I hate that you are in a hard spot, and you sound like you are beating yourself up on top of it.

Hugs to you.

MidnightBlue

Thanks for your thoughtful post, LifreRecovery)

Everything you have said makes sense to me. And yes, I am beating myself up. Ruthlessly...

Beating myself up is my companion that follows my progress and it is never enough and I am never good enough..And in real life there are always people who won't hesitate to remind me about that.

I hope I will develop some really bullet-proof coping mechanism out of all this. Because I feel really terrible right now, hating every day the moment it starts...

Thank you a lot for your words -they are of great help to me. And hugs too)

See you, pals.

LifeRecovery

Hmm it makes me wonder (as the inexperienced AVRT person I am).

Could you do a big plan on your self talk?

It is that thought pattern and flogging of myself that really gets my behavior into trouble in the long run. Yes the behavior is an issue, but even if I don't engage I still feel bad about myself and find some other poor coping mechanism to use.

GerandTwine

Hi MB,

It's really nice to learn a little more about you even though you're feeling bad a lot, but...

The above sentence is the only part of the long post of yours having to do with AVRT. This is not a criticism, just an observation, because the sentence above that I quoted is All BEAST.

Using AVRT has nothing to do with getting "great support and advice" to prevent you from "emotional binge/over eating", unless it's specifically about AVR Techniques, such as the one I discussed in my previous post.

Then you said the above in your next post which is, again, all Beast. Your Beast with its AV can't "drag" you anywhere, let alone down into an "abyss". In fact the force of gravity itself is on YOUR side, not the BEAST's side. IT has to get you to oppose gravity's restful state and go buy, open, smell, taste, chew, and swallow. That's a lot of getting up and doing stuff - the opposite of being dragged down. YOU can "drag down" your Beast, though.

If YOU still like that emotional over eating (and I know it feels good) then I don't see anything wrong with your simply acknowledging that. For me, it would be a bright spot of deep pleasure in an otherwise complicated and problematic day. But, as you've decided it's wrong for you to eat like that, then you know when to recognize ITs hunger and simply stop, or not buy ITs unhealthy stuff. YOU, of course, get some pleasure from the right amount of the right food, but that's not what IT wants.

Then you said in your next post -

Well, AVRT is "bullet-proof" when used with the Big Plan, BUT, AVRT is only about NOT doing something. I don't think "coping" fits well with my Big Plan any more than it would with my "coping" with NOT drinking Drano. I just don't do it, and I know the Techniques to Recognize my Addictive Voice.

What I think you're really asking for when you say "I hope I will develop..." is some way to handle feeling negative emotions. I'm sure your working on that with your therapist, and I'm happy to cheer you on from the sidelines, here, too, although that's different than AVRT.

GT

MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

Thank you for you great post, GT. A lot of food for thought - I'll take some time to respond.

Just a little note - I am not eating unhealthy food any more, sugars and salty snacks are out of question. But I eat too much of healthy food - nuts, wholegrain bread, etc.

The bank didn't approve my loan, so I am not buying the apartment I liked.

Anyway, I am not overating over this.

See you later.

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

All these issues finally got to me - I am overeating again...

Just don't know what to say.

See you.

GerandTwine

To me, I hear you saying two completely different things. That's how I would see it in myself.

About issues: How about hanging a huge watermelon in a very strong clear plastic bag at head height and use it as a punching bag? (without gloves?)

About overeating: I enjoy it when I eat a lot. What if you changed "overeating" to "eating a lot"? And to me, eating a lot of the right stuff is a heck of a lot better than eating a lot of fatty/salty/sugary processed stuff.

Partly due to this thread, I'm also considering stopping some more foods forever, and I really like that AVRT has made that type of decision easier for me to do.

I think I'm getting better at understanding feeling hungry because it's slowly becoming easier to stop before I get full. I'm curious how other people think about their experiencing the feeling of hunger and what they do about it.

HeadLump

How you doing now, MB? I've been thinking about you such a lot. I do hope you're feeling calmer

I hope you've got the eating back under control, but it didn't sound to me like you were eating enough at times. As I'm sure you know, that can cause the body to feel it's being starved and prompt over-eating - and that's without any of the additional stress and pressure you've been under. Be kind to yourself, MB. You're very precious

All is fine here, I'm delighted to say. Following my conversation with my sister and the pledges we made, I've not had any binges. I've probably eaten a bit too much at times, but nothing that's resulted in purging or even come close. I'm still using AVRT techniques and you could say that a pledge is just a BP by another name, so I think I'm still entitled to post in this thread?

Jeni, I saw your brilliant post on a different thread. I'm so pleased for you

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

I binged again - yesterday and today. Really binged. So disappointed, I thought I got over it.

I'll come back later, with more details.

See you.

LifeRecovery

So sorry you are feeling down Midnight.

HeadLump

Thinking of you, Midnight

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals!

I want to wish you all the Great Fantastic Awesome New Year! Year where the beast and AV are not allowed, where the land is burning under their feet and our willpower and friendship creates a bulletproof defense against them.

I haven't been posting much lately due to the issues you are aware of. I am taking a lazy day today, but going to write more tomorrow, sharing my experience about this tough time and how it went for me in terms of AVRT.

But by now I have one revelation to share with you. Revelation that struck me yesterday when I was having a cup of coffee in MacCaffee, watching out of the window and thinking about what's been done and what I still have to be done.

I was writing some ideas into my note book and I wrote "Walk through fear". And you know what I noticed? That if you put initials together it would be WTF!

So, it's my new meaning for the New Year!

And now when I ask "WTF?" - I think that answer is "WTF!"

HAPPY NEW BADASS YEAR!

HeadLump

Fabulous post, Midnight! And WTF? I love that I also love 'where the land is burning under our feet' - so expressive and evocative

I want to say a very special Happy New Year to you and Jeni and a thank you for extending the hand of friendship and for being infinitely wise and supportive

I'm starting this year in a very good place. I've been alcohol-free for nearly a year and have just entered my second month bulimia-free. I have never before been able to do both together! I have also discovered mindfulness and am thankful every conscious minute of every day. You've played a great part in that

Bless you xxx

MidnightBlue

So happy for you, HeadLump, that the New Year finds you in a good place!

And thank you for all support and kind words during these tough times for me)

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

New Year - old issues..

I am extremely anxious again, almost freaking out..

For those who is not in the know - though we finally legally split the real estate on December 30, I couldn't get my money of the deposit box because the banks' computer system got stuck. I had been calling the bank all day long on December 30, and half a day on December 31, and no one answered me.

I am going to go there again to morrow. And it's the state-owned bank, the worst you can imagine, the way the deal with consumers is pure nightmare. And guess who chose this bank? Right, my f***g brother.

And I am eating again because I can't get my nerves under control. WTF?!!!!

Well, right - WTF!

Meaning - walk through fear!

New Year - new Big Badass Plan!

Most of my binges are when I am eating in front of my laptop. Sure, I am BSing myself that I am saving time having breakfast, lunch and dinner in front of the laptop, but that's just BS.

So, I am not going to eat in front of the laptop again. Never. And I will never change my mind. Efficient from right now.

Wait a second.. Who is here? Oh, year - AV!

"Wait, wait! What are you doing? You will never be able enjoy your food reading you favorite SR and other interesting things on Internet!"

- Shut up.

Well, coffee and tea are allowed, any food - no trespassing.

See you, pals)

MidnightBlue

Quick check-in from me, pals.

Finally got my money.

And no eating in front of the laptop. Every time I want to do it I tell: "I am not doing this any more. End of story".

Going to take some rest -all this took all the energy out of me.

See you all)